Joke exchange thread

[Mizugori]

Alright I'm in desperate need of some amusement.

Let's make it a rule that you don't post unless you are sharing a joke... no need to fill this thread up with replies that don't contribute anything ;p If you add a joke, you are welcome to also include some comments about other peoples' posts.

To get things started...

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A guy and his wife are having sex, when they hear a loud noise. Suddenly a man walks into the room with a gun, and drags the husband off the bed. He makes him sit on the floor, telling him not to move or say anything. Then the criminal gets on the bed, and starts to whisper in the wife's ear. After a minute, he gets up, walks into the bathroom nearby, and closes the door.

The husband looks over at his wife, and starts whispering to her frantically. "Honey, that guy looks really dangerous, I know he will kill us both if we don't do exactly what he says! I know it's hard but please just do whatever he says so we can make it through this... I love you, be strong for us honey!"

The wife turns to the husband and says "Actually, he told me he is gay and asked me if we have any vaseline in the house. So I told him there's some in the bathroom. He should be back any minute-be strong for us honey!"


Thread locked due to a few childish individuals posting extremely offensive jokes

Anandtech Senior Moderator
Red Dawn

 

[ggnl]

Q. How do you catch a polar bear?

A. First you cut a hole in the ice. Make sure it's big enough to fit the bear or you're gonna have trouble. Next you take some peas, any kind will do, and spread them around the hole you just cut. Then you wait. When the bear goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice-hole!

 

[rodneyxiii]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only
animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler
that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the
fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
And before he could say "F**k," the rottweiler ate him.

 

[Mizugori]

One day a teacher had a taste test for her students. She picked a
boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey's kiss in his
mouth and asked,

"Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your Dad wants from your Mom
before he leaves for work."

That's when a little girl at the back of the room yelled,

"Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!!"

 

[bigrash]

man you guys suck at teh jokez.

 

[So]

Originally posted by: bigrash
man you guys suck at teh jokez.

We'll get good ones. It'll take a while, but better Nate than lever.

 

[Mizugori]

Originally posted by: Mizugori
Alright I'm in desperate need of some amusement.

Let's make it a rule that you don't post unless you are sharing a joke... no need to fill this thread up with replies that don't contribute anything ;p If you add a joke, you are welcome to also include some comments about other peoples' posts.

And, to follow my own rules...

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Why did Michael Jackson go to Wal-Mart?

Because he heard that boys' pants were half off...

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How do you know when it's time for bed at Michael Jackson's house?

When the big hand is on the little hand...

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What's the difference between a plastic bag and Michael Jackson?

One is white, plastic, and dangerous to children... and the other is just a bag.

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[Mizugori]

omg what's it gonna take to get some jokes out of you people?!

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One day, Frank went hunting to kill a bear. He wanted to hang a big bear's head on his wall so all of his friends and guests would be impressed. So, he went into the woods, and soon enough, he found a bear and shot it. But, as he was cutting up the carcass, he felt a tap on his shoulder. When he turned around, he was staring face-to-face with a mean grizzly bear.

The bear said "Hey Frank... congratulations. You just shot my brother! I'll give you two options... either I can maul you or have sex with you. It's your choice..." So, seeing no other option, Frank turned around, pulled down his pants, and let the bear have its way with him. After a while, the bear left, and Frank limped home miserably.

He sat in bed for a week while his read end healed, and the whole time, all he could think of was how he would return to the forest, find that bear that had taken his honor, and kill it so he could hang ITS head on his wall. When he was well enough to walk again, Frank set out to find the bear. He shot and killed it easily, and began to cut off it's head. However, after a moment, he felt a tap on his shoulder and, sure enough, when he turned around an even larger, angrier looking grizzly bear was standing there!

The bear told him "Hey Frank. That was my uncle! Either I tear your face off, or we have sex. What's it going to be?" Horrified, Frank turned around without a word and did as he had done before. When the bear had finished he crawled home, where he sat in bed for a month, dreaming of revenge against this new grizzly bear. When Frank was feeling better, he set out into the forest to kill the bear, and after a while he found and shot it. A few moments later, Frank felt a tap on his shoulder, and when he turned around he was looking into the eyes of a massive grizzly bear.

The bear looked at Frank sympathetically and said "Admit it Frank... you don't come here for the hunting, do you??"

 

[patentman]

Did you hear about the presidential spelling bee? The contestants were Bill Clinton, Ted Kennedy, and George W. Bush. Bush won, because he was the only one who knew that harass was one word and not two.

 

[Demon-Xanth]

What was the most shocking thing men learned about Pamala Anderson after her breast reduction surgery?

Her eye color.

 

[lanielf]

"What's the difference between a red Lamborghini and a plastic bag full of dead babies ? ... oh wait, I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage !"

that's an old one, I'll think of another soon enough

 

[maddogchen]

Four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ.
They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.
?What brings you before the great wizard of Oz??
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:
?I?ve come for some courage.?
?No problem!? says the Wizard. ?Who is next??
Ronald Reagan steps forward, ?Well???, I??.I think I need a heart.?
?Done,? says the Wizard.
?Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz??
Up stepped George Bush sadly and said, ?I?m told by the American people that I need a brain.?
?No problem!? says the Wizard ?Consider it done.?
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn?t say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, ?What do you want??
Bill answers. ?Is Dorothy here?.? ?

 

[madogvt]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being
pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a
nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has
tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you
how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the
cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren."

 

[Bacstar]

i told my boss, I can't come to work today because I have anal glaucoma.

My boss said I never heard of anal glaucoma.

I said well I just can't see my ass coming into work today!!!

 

[50cent1228]

Originally posted by: rodneyxiii
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only
animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler
that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the
fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
And before he could say "F**k," the rottweiler ate him.

kind of amusing

 

[Quasmo]

What do you get when you stab a baby in the head with a pair of scissors?

You get an erection.

 

[Kelvrick]

Originally posted by: Quasmo
What do you get when you stab a baby in the head with a pair of scissors?

You get an erection.

WTF?


Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

He then dropped the second worm in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

 

[SoulAssassin]

So there's these two cannibals eating a clown. The one cannibal looks over at the other clown, pauses for a moment and says, "Do you taste something funny?"

 

[lanielf]

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, ?Hey, what're you in for??

?I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried,? said Tim.

?Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!?

?Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. ?That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for??

?I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,? Sammy answered.

?Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!?

 

[James Bond]

Originally posted by: Quasmo
What do you get when you stab a baby in the head with a pair of scissors?

You get an erection.

lol...

Amazingly enough, this is the only joke that got me to laugh. Is that bad?

 

[Mizugori]

yes. but, since it did make you laugh:
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How many dead babies does it take to paint a fence? Depends how hard you throw them...
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How do you make a dead baby float? Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby...
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How can you get 10 dead babies into one glass jar? With a blender!

How can you get them back out? With tortilla chips!
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[Mizugori]

A bear and a rabbit were crapping in the woods next to each other. The bear looked over at the rabbit and asked, "Do you have a problem with getting sh!t on your fur?" To which the rabbit responded, "No, never." So the bear picked up the rabbit, and wiped his ass with it.

 

[daveymark]

What do you get when you cross a pirate with a pedophile?






ARRRRRRR Kelly

 

[Demon-Xanth]

Two guys are drinking at a bar on top of a skyscraper. One guy says to the other "You know, if you jump off, the wind currents will blow you right into the 5th floor window". The other guy says "yeah, right". So the first guy jumps off and sure enough, goes right in the fifth floor window and comes up completely unhurt. The second guy says "No way!". So the first guy does it again. As he comes up, the second guy gives it a shot. He jumps off, and flies right past the fifth floor window and hits the ground and is killed on impact. The bartender looks to the first guy and says... "Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

 

[Arcex]

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Your Honor.

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These 2 cannibals are eating a guy, one starts at the head and one starts at the feet. The one who started with the head says "You having a good time?" and his friend answers "Yeah, I'm having a ball!" And the other cannibal says "Slow down, you're eating too fast!"

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What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.
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A grasshopper hops into a bar and jumps up on the counter, the bartender looks down and says "You know, we got a drink here named after you." The grasshopper looks up and says "You got a drink named Steve?"

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A guy walks into a bar with a huge chunk of asphault, he drops it on the bar and sits down. The bartender says "What can I get ya?" The guy answers "I'll take a beer..." then glances at the asphault and says "... and one for the road."