Joke exchange thread

[Lalakai]

Engineering jokes:

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, ?It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.? Another said, ?No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems have many thousands of electrical connections.? The last said, ?Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area.?

An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. ?Where did you get such a rockin? bike?? asked the first. The second engineer replied ?Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. The woman threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said ?Take what you want.?? The first engineer nodded approvingly ?Good choice! The clothes probably wouldn?t have fit.?

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

and a blond joke.......
why are blond jokes so simple? so that brunettes can understand them.

 

[CalvinHobbs]

Originally posted by: madogvt
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being
pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a
nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has
tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you
how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the
cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren."

 

[CalvinHobbs]

A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her -- knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man.
The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank, and 8 inches in your trousers."
Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her. It reads:
"Just so you know - I have a Mercedes AND a BMW, and over TEN million in the bank. But not even for YOU, sweet-heart, would I cut 2 inches off my dick. So send back the bottle."

 

[CalvinHobbs]

Originally posted by: Demon-Xanth
Two guys are drinking at a bar on top of a skyscraper. One guy says to the other "You know, if you jump off, the wind currents will blow you right into the 5th floor window". The other guy says "yeah, right". So the first guy jumps off and sure enough, goes right in the fifth floor window and comes up completely unhurt. The second guy says "No way!". So the first guy does it again. As he comes up, the second guy gives it a shot. He jumps off, and flies right past the fifth floor window and hits the ground and is killed on impact. The bartender looks to the first guy and says... "Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

:laugh:

 

[flexy]

Bushs meets with the Chinese President Hu Jintao and asks:

"Do you have elections ?"

"Well...Evely molning..."

 

[KMc]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. One day he comes across a 10 year-old Harley in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." Then he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the new bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, all right, that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"

 

[jamautosound]

Two men dressed in Pilots? uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they?re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, ?You know, Bob, one of these days, they?re gonna scream too late and we?re all gonna f**kin? die.?

 

[daveshel]

A man with a cucumber in his ear, a carrot in his nose, and a tomato in his eye walks into the doctor's office. He says, "Doc, I'm not feeling well. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "First of all, you're not eating right...."

 

[Cellulose]

1.Why are pool tables green?
----------------------------------
If someone kept poking your balls all day you would turn green too...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2.Why are fire engines red?
---------------------------------
If someone kept pulling your hose all day you would be red too...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3. A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

 

[jamautosound]

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He?d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ?Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other??
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.
?It?s called sexual intercourse, darling.?

Little Tony just said, ?Oh, OK? and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ?Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It?s called Bunk Beds!? and Jimmy?s Mom wants to talk to you?!!

 

[Mizugori]

aww 3 stars? come on people, vote generously for this page's rating =P
----------------------------------------------------
How do you kill a blonde? put a scratch-n-sniff sticker on the bottom of their pool

 

[gwrober]

Originally posted by: jamautosound
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He?d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ?Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other??
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.
?It?s called sexual intercourse, darling.?

Little Tony just said, ?Oh, OK? and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ?Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It?s called Bunk Beds!? and Jimmy?s Mom wants to talk to you?!!

:laugh:

Good one!

 

[Lalakai]

A young couple recently married were on their honeymoon in a small remote village in France. Sitting at the café, they overheard an older couple sitting next to them, talking about their marriage. The older man grinned and reminded his wife of the first time they had made love, outside that very café. The wife blushed and nodded, telling him it looked the same as it had years ago. Growing braver, the older man asked his wife if she wanted to go behind the café and repeat what they had done years ago. A little nervous and embarrassed, the wife agreed and in minutes the older couple were sneaking behind the building. Curious and a little impressed, the young couple followed them, watching as the man stepped behind the woman and in seconds had lifted her dress and started taking her from behind as she leaned over the fence. Looking more like mating rabbits, the older couple were more energetic then the younger couple had ever been, thrashing and moaning until they finally collapsed in a limp heap. The young couple couldn?t help approaching the still recovering couple, telling them how impressed they were at seeing how much in love the older couple still was. Still catching her breath and very embarrassed, the older woman commented that years ago the fence hadn?t been electrified.

 

[rodneyxiii]

This is kind of long so bear with me:

============================



Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round in the break room. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am.

He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay.

She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed!

Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth.

Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his "you-know-what" was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."

 

[KillyKillall]

Originally posted by: ggnl
Q. How do you catch a polar bear?

A. First you cut a hole in the ice. Make sure it's big enough to fit the bear or you're gonna have trouble. Next you take some peas, any kind will do, and spread them around the hole you just cut. Then you wait. When the bear goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice-hole!

That's not how it goes..here is how it goes:

Q: How do you catch a bear?

A. First you dig a hole and fill it with ashes. Then you put peas around the hole. When the bear goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash-hole!

 

[nweaver]

I used to have a ton of band jokes...here are a few

How do you know there is a trombonist at your door? The doorbell drags

How many bass players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10, 1 to hold the light bulb and 9 to drink until the room spins

How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1, they hold the lightbulb and the world revolves around them

How do you get two piccolos to play in tune?
Shoot one.

What's the definition of "nerd?"
Someone who owns his own clarinet.

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
His hat says "Domino's Pizza"

What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
You can tune a '57 Chevy.

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.

Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.


How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
2. Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
3. Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
4. Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
5. None. They have a machine to do that.

 

[RadiclDreamer]

Originally posted by: nweaver



How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
2. Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
3. Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
4. Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
5. None. They have a machine to do that.
6. 3, One to change the bulb and 2 to talk about how much better Neil Pert would have done it

Added one for ya.

Alas, I am a drummer of about 15 years and have heard em all.

 

[FoBoT]

http://blogs.msdn.com/ericlipp.../2004/03/10/87384.aspx

A pirate walks into a bar, and the barkeep says "Excuse me, cap'n, but did you know that you've got your ship's wheel stuck in your pantaloons?"

"Aye," says the pirate, "that thing be drivin' me nuts! Aaargh!"

 

[WildHorse]

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

Then analyze the situation:

* A. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

* B. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

* C. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

* D. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

* E. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

* F. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

* G. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

* H. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

* I. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

* J. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

* K. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

* L. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Executive Management.

 

[Fritzo]

Hot off the press:

A regular shows up at the bar. The bartender sees him sit down at his usual stool and says "How's it going! I'll get you your usual."

The regular cuts the bartender off: "Whoa...no....not tonight. I'm done drinking. Just give me a Coke with no ice."

The bartender looks confused. "What's the matter? You've had the same drink in here for 6 years!"

The regular looks up and explains. "I'm done with drinking. No more! Last night when I left here, I went home and blew chunks!" He puts his head back down, ashamed.

The bartender still looks puzzled. "So? Just about everyone has had a few too many and got sick from it. It's no reason to give up drinking."

The regular looks up again "No....you don't understand....Chunks is my dog."

 

[tatteredpotato]

Whats the difference between a freezer and a gay man?

The freezer doesn't fart when you take your meat out.
__________________________________

Whats worse than a fly in your soup?

The Holocaust

 

[Mizugori]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea", said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In the church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed."Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!"

Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice.

As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that dammned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation.

 

[gwrober]

Emailed to me today:

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an Canadian using Bill Gate's ( an American technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegal.....

That, my friends, is Globalization

 

[HammerCurl]

Originally posted by: BlameCanada
Whats the difference between a freezer and a gay man?

The freezer doesn't fart when you take your meat out.
__________________________________

Whats worse than a fly in your soup?

The Holocaust

The meat out is probably the best joke I've read in this thread. I skipped over a few of the long ones though.

This and the one that was like what do you get when you stab a baby in the head.

"You get an erection."

Oh man too funny

 

[Freejack2]

The thread asking if LCDs are bad for you made me think about this joke. It's stolen, it's old, and it's mildly racist so if any of this offends you then skip past.

An older oriental lady goes to the eye doctor.
The doctor checks her eye and says "You've got a cataract."
The oriental lady says, "No I drive a Rincoln Continento"

You may commence the groaning now.