Joke exchange thread

[WildHorse]

First year students at Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all
gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them
"The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention."

 

[WildHorse]

Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid
of falling & getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take
the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right person to
come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all
the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to
Women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something
acceptable enough to have dinner with.

 

[WildHorse]

The gentleman says...

"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I
had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked
for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a
Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?"

The clerk says, "Well, no!"

"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask
me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

 

[WildHorse]

Please answer all questions before scrolling down for the answers.




1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?



2) Which country makes Panama hats?



3) From which animal do we get catgut?



4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?



5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?



6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?



7) What was King George VI's first name?



8) What color is a purple finch?



9) Where are Chinese Gooseberries from?



10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?





All done?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass. Check your answers
below.





















ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)


1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years



2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador



3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses



4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
November



5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur



6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
Dogs



7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert



8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson



9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand



10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange, of course.

 

[EGGO]

What did "2" tell "3" about the annoying "6"?

Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.

 

[Mr Pickles]

A fish runs into a wall what does he say?

Dam

 

[hanoverphist]

Originally posted by: Kev

Originally posted by: Accipiter22
So 3 guys watch up on an island, and are captured by the natives. The chief tells them "we're going to skin you and use the flesh off of each of you to make a canoe. But I WILL let you choose how you die"

The first guy says: "I'll use poison." so he takes the poison, dies, and the natives skin him and use it to make a canoe.
The second guy says: "I'll use a gun" and he blows his head off. The natives skin him and use it to make a canoe.
The third guy says: "I'll take a knife"...and he starts slashing stabbing and ripping his body to shreds. He's running around spewing blood everywhere, and the chief asks "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?" and the guy replies "so much for your canoe asshole."

FINALLY a joke I haven't heard before :thumbsup:

same here, i like that one.


two blondes walk into a building...

youd think at least one would have seen it.

 

[WildHorse]

An elderly couple were attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart-- what do you think I should do?"

He replies, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

 

[rodneyxiii]

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. "

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

 

[jupiter57]

Best one yet!

 

[krunchykrome]

Originally posted by: scott
First year students at Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all
gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them
"The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention."

LMAO

 

[Zukatah]

What's so bad about fvcking a 4 yr old? - The blood on your clown costume.
How do you make her cry afterwards? - Wipe if off on her favorite teddy bear.

 

[bigrash]

Originally posted by: scott
First year students at Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all
gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them
"The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention."

HAHA! :thumbsup:

never heard that one before!

 

[WildHorse]

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pis+ed.
*************************
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
**************************
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and
so is your head.
**************************
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
****************************
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.
*****************************
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
*******************************
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
************************************
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
************************************
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
***************************************
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
***************************************
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To Hell".
*******************************************
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

 

[AmpedSilence]

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

 

[WildHorse]

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other wome n while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achi ve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

7. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . ... . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

 

[JEDIYoda]

Originally posted by: Tizyler
<blockquote>quote:
Originally posted by: illusion88
<blockquote>quote:
Originally posted by: silverpig
What's easier to unload, a truckload of hay, or a truckload of dead babies?

Hay. You can't unload dead babies with a pitchfork.</blockquote>

You got that one all wrong. It's:

What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?

You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork!</blockquote>

Seriously, he completely butchered it.... lol.

No you guys cant get anything right....

How do you unload a truckload of dead babies?

with a pitchfork!!

 

[InflatableBuddha]

Awesome thread!

--------------------------------------
Q:What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A: One goes WHACK! "Shit!"; the other goes "Shit!" WHACK!


Three strings are walking down the street and decide they want to go for a drink. However, the sign on the bar says "No Strings Allowed". The first string decides to try anyways. He puts on a pair of sunglasses and goes in to order a drink. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve strings here." The string walks out.

The second string puts on a trenchcoat and hat and tries to order a drink. The bartender says "Look, I just turned away your buddy. I can see right through your disguise. No strings allowed in here. Now get out." The second string leaves the bar.

Seeing that both his buddies were rejected, the third string has an idea. He furiously ruffles his hair, then grabs a bunch of the dishevelled threads and ties them together. He walks into the bar and tries to order a drink. The confused bartender takes a long look at him and finally asks, "Hey, aren't you a string?" The string says "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

 

[WildHorse]

THE BATHTUB TEST

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what

the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be

institutionalized.


"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub,

then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him

or her to empty the bathtub."


"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the

bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."



"No!" said the Director.


"A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?"


DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?