joke thread... 18+ only pls

[Paratus]

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?


Because he heard the ref was blowing fowls!

 

[Paratus]

A black guy, a polish guy, and a jewish guy walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says what is this some kinda joke?

 

[Paratus]

(You can insert your favorite hick state in place of 'hillbilly' West Virgina, Kentucky, Arkansas, etc)

How do you know if a hillbilly girl is a virgin?

She can run faster than her brothers!

A hillbilly boy runs to tell his dad about his bride to be.

'Dad Dad my girl is a virgin!'

The father replies 'Son if she's not good enough for her own family she's not good enough you....'

Hillbilly boy is doing his sister. He says, 'You're a lot better this than Mom is.'

She replies, 'Ya thats what Dad says'

 

[Paratus]

A guy goes in to his doctor for a complete physical.

The doctor says, 'We're going to need sperm, urine, and stool samples today'

The guy replies, 'Geez doc, I'm kinda in a rush today. Can I just leave my underwear instead?'

 

[Paratus]

Mickey Mouse is in court trying to explain to he judge why he should be allowed to divorce Minny.

The judge says, 'In this state you can't get divorced just because you think your wife is a little crazy'

Mickey replies, 'I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was Fvcking Goofy!'

 

[Bignate603]

Originally posted by: bobross419
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

Was his wife lady Di Ameter?

 

[venkman]

Originally posted by: Bignate603

Originally posted by: bobross419
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

Was his wife lady Di Ameter?

His Gardner was Ray Diaz

 

[EMPshockwave82]

What's the difference between a Ferrari and 500 dead babies??



I dont have a Ferrari in my garage.

Did you know that 90% of asians have cateracts?


the other 10% drive cheverays and rinkons.

 

[jonnyjack]

A boy walks in on his parents having sex and asks his dad what he's doing to his mom. Dad replies that he's playing poker and mom is his wildcard.

The next day, the dad is looking for his son and finds him in the bathroom jacking off. The dad asks, what the hell are you doing? The boy says, I'm playing poker! The dad then replies, then where the hell is your wildcard?

The boy replies, who needs a wildcard when I got a hand like this!

 

[EMPshockwave82]

A boy asks his father what the difference is between potentially and realisticly. The father thinks for a few minutes and says, "Son, go ask your mother, sister, and brother if they would have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."

The boy goes and asks all three:
Mom: Of course I would, we could really use the money to pay off the house, the car and our credit cards.
Sister: OMG OMG OMG He's so hot!!!! YES!
Brother: A million dollars is a lot of money, I could buy that motorcycle and the Nissan GTR. Hell yea I would.


The boy goes and tells his father the results. "All three said they would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Dad, what's that mean?"

The father says, "Well son, the difference between potentially and relisticly is that potentially you and I are sitting on about 3 million dollars. Relisticly we are living with two whores and a lovely human."

 

[jonnyjack]

A boy is at the store with his father and sees condoms. The boy asks, what's the 3-pack for? Dad says, that's for when you're in high school, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.

The boy asks, what's the 6-pack for? Dad says, that's for when you're in college, two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.

The boy then sees a 12-pack and asks, what about these? Dad says, that's for when you're married. One for January, one for February, one for March...

 

[Twofootputt]

Originally posted by: squirrel dog
The young brave was puzzled by his name, and the names of others in his tribe, so he approached the old chieftain and asked ?Chief Stalking Dog, how did brave running duck get his name?? The old chief replied, ?After making love to your mother, it was the first thing I saw when I left the teepee.? Then the old chief asked? why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking in the Rain??

Also works with, "Why do you ask, Broken Rubber"

 

[jagec]

Originally posted by: CKent
/slowly backs out of thread

ATOT is the most blatantly anti-black racist forum I've ever been to. Bunch of scrawny white geeks from rural America, with a sprinkling of Asians and Indians. You should have no problem putting down blacks here, if the past is any indication.
[/quote]

You're saying that the only forums you have every been to are ATOT and the Online Black Panthers?

The internet is chock full of racists, and I mean REAL racists, not the poor-hating stereotyping sorts you find here.

 

[jonnyjack]

A doctor sees a female patient in the exam room and asks her to remove her top. The girl does so and on her chest is an imprint of the letter "S". The doctor asks why she has that and she replies, my boyfriend is so proud of going to Stanford, he refuses to take off his school jacket when they have sex.

The next female patient does the same and her chest has an imprint of the letter "T". The doctor asks why she has that and she replies, my boyfriend is so proud of going to Texas, he refuses to take off his school jacket when they have sex.

The next day, another female patient comes in and takes off her top and has an imprint of the letter "W". The doctor says, let me guess, boyfriend from Washington? The girl replies, no, girlfriend from Michigan, why do you ask?

 

[CKent]

Originally posted by: jagec

Originally posted by: CKent
ATOT is the most blatantly anti-black racist forum I've ever been to. Bunch of scrawny white geeks from rural America, with a sprinkling of Asians and Indians. You should have no problem putting down blacks here, if the past is any indication.

You're saying that the only forums you have every been to are ATOT and the Online Black Panthers?

The internet is chock full of racists, and I mean REAL racists, not the poor-hating stereotyping sorts you find here.

Fixed the quote nesting.

I visit a lot of forums, but it's true I don't exactly frequent white power type sites. It has always surprised me though, that a tech forum, founded by a man with brown skin and with many Asian and Indian members, is so incredibly anti-black racist. Ars isn't like this. [ H ] isn't like this. And those are just two examples.

It's from the top down, too. I recall a pretty blatantly racist thread a while back. I PM'd the mod account (at that time all moderators used the same "Anandtech Moderator" account) and was told that while the thread was iffy, enough real conversation was going on to warrant not locking it. This was BS; in reality a Klan meeting couldn't have been much more bigoted and closeminded.

But whatever, I find it entertaining. If I didn't I wouldn't come here

 

[silverpig]

Originally posted by: edro
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.

Brilliant!

 

[silverpig]

Why don't you go down on a woman in the morning?

Ever pulled apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

 

[Lithium381]

so i invited a teddy bear over for dinner one night. after dinner i asked if the teddy bear would like any dessert? it replied, "no thanks, i'm stuffed!"



a rope walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. bartender says 'no i don't serve your kind here'. the rope leaves the bar, and comes back an hour later. he asked for a drink. bartender said 'no, i told you once, i don't serve your kind here, no beat it or i'll kick your ass" rope takes off and goes around the corner, ruffles up his hair and twists around. he returns to the bar and orders a drink. bartender asks, "hey, aren't you a rope?" "nope, i'm afraid not"

 

[Paladin3]

My 8 year old daughter: "Dad, want to hear a dirty joke?"
Me: "Ummmm..."
My 8 year old daughter: "Two white horses jump into the mud! Hahaha, wasn't that funny, Dad!"
----------------------
How do you make and old lady say "FUCK!"?
Have another old lady stand up and yell "BINGO!"
----------------------
My 8 year old daughter: "OK, Dad, I know a clean joke too."
Me: "Ummmmm..."
My 8 year old daughter: "The two white horses jump into a lake!"

 

[xSauronx]

This elderly couple were at the Doctor to get the wife some tests, and the Doctor says "Sir, I'm sorry, but we had a mixup in the paperwork. I don't know if youre wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's"

The old man says "Well...what do I do, Doc?"

And the Doctor says "On the way home, drop her off a mile from the house. If she finds her way home, DON'T FUCK HER!"

 

[geno]

What's the difference between Heath Ledger and dead Heath Ledger jokes?

Dead Heath Ledger jokes can get old.

 

[JJChicken]

Originally posted by: geno
What's the difference between Heath Ledger and dead Heath Ledger jokes?

Dead Heath Ledger jokes can get old.

cant?

 

[geno]

Originally posted by: Barack Obama

Originally posted by: geno
What's the difference between Heath Ledger and dead Heath Ledger jokes?

Dead Heath Ledger jokes can get old.

cant?

No, the jokes CAN get old. Heath Ledger himself cannot, because he is dead. Here, let me draw a diagram for you...

 

[silverpig]

Originally posted by: Barack Obama

Originally posted by: geno
What's the difference between Heath Ledger and dead Heath Ledger jokes?

Dead Heath Ledger jokes can get old.

cant?

*whoooooosh*

 

[kranky]

A guy is shopping at the supermarket and sees an attractive woman waving at him. She comes up to him and says hello, but he can't place her. He says, "Do you know me?" and she says, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

He thinks back to the only time he had sex with someone other than his wife and says, "Oh no, so you're the stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the patio with all my buddies cheering us on while your friend was spraying us with chocolate syrup?"

She says, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
-----------------------

Miss Janet was the 80-year-old church organist who had never been married. One day the pastor stopped by her house to visit and she asked him to sit in the living room while she went to make some tea.

He was sitting next to her old Hammond organ and he saw a small glass bowl sitting on top, filled with water and a condom floating in it.

While they talked, the pastor tried to forget about the bowl of water with the condom but after a while he could not contain his curiosity any more.

"Miss Janet, what is that?" he asked, pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, isn't that great?" Miss Janet said. "I was walking through the park last week and found a little package on the ground. The package said to place on the organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease. And I haven't had the flu all winter!"