joke thread... 18+ only pls

[Freshgeardude]

Originally posted by: BlackTigers
You know, I was on this plane once. And I'm sittin' there and the captain comes on and he does his whole, "We'll be cruising at 35,000 feet," then he puts the mike down but he forgets to turn it off. Then he turns to the copilot and goes, "You know, all I could go for right now is a fuckin' blow job and a cup of coffee." So the stewardess fuckin' goes bombin' up from the back of the plane to tell him the mic's still on, and this guy behind me goes, "Hey hon, don't forget the coffee!"

i just posted a similar joke up 3 posts...

 

[FDF12389]

Originally posted by: xSauronx

Originally posted by: ironwing
What did the nun do when she wanted to have sex with the priest?








Dressed up like an altar boy.

reminds me of one...and i probably got it from here anyway but I found it just now via google

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks if she would have sex with him. The nun is surprised by the question, but politely declines and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know.

So, the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday at around midnight, the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the Lord. "If you go dress in a robe and some glowing powder," said the bus driver, "you can tell her you are God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. On Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in a glowing robe with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first."

The nun agrees and asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun.

After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"

The nun replies by whipping off "her" mask and shouts, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!!"

:laugh:

 

[aesthetics]

Originally posted by: ConstipatedVigilante

Originally posted by: MechxWarrior
A husband comes home drunk at 3:00AM and stumbles upstairs to pass out in bed. When he wakes up the next morning there are 2 aspirin and a glass of water at the bedside, and a note "Breakfast is down stairs honey".
When he goes downstairs the house has been cleaned, the Laundry is done, and there is Bacon, eggs, and pancakes waiting for him in the Kitchen, where his daughter is already having breakfast. He asks his daughter "what in the world is going on with you mother"?

The daughter replies, "you came home smashed drunk, broke the lamp in the front room, puked all over the hallway, and when mom tried to drag you in the bedroom you push her away."

The husband is still confused, and asks "So why is she being so nice to me?"

His daughter replies, "When she was taking off your pants and trying to put you to bed, you told her to back off lady I'm married".

:heart:

I agree.... awwww

 

[Mizugori]

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

 

[BALIstik916]

Originally posted by: Mizugori
Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

lol

 

[chowmein]

Originally posted by: Mizugori
Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

lol

 

[TehMac]

Originally posted by: Mizugori
Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

:laugh:

Originally posted by: Newbian

Originally posted by: TehMac

Originally posted by: manlymatt83

Originally posted by: Turin39789
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop

10/10

I dont get it....

I don't think they are well known for being able to hold their drinks...

Oh.

 

[WaTaGuMp]

A new Barbie doll has hit the shelves just in time for xmas, its the divorced Barbie and comes with all of Kens things.

 

[Saulbadguy]

Ever hear about the man with 5 penises? His pants fit him like a glove.

 

[Mizugori]

Originally posted by: WaTaGuMp
A new Barbie doll has hit the shelves just in time for xmas, its the divorced Barbie and comes with all of Kens things.

oh man, i laughed so hard a few people came over to make sure i'm alright. thank god IT guys are known for goofing off a bit every now and then...

 

[calvinbiss]

What do you call a field of masturbating cows?





Beef-strokin-off

 

[insect9]

A Zen master orders a hotdog from a street vendor and says "Make me one with everything."

 

[Mizugori]

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
The guy asks what the surgery is.
The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".
The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner.
While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.
No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.
His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face.
She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

 

[Mizugori]

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.

Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

 

[Mizugori]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

"A hundred dollars."

"Damn. All I've got is thirty."

"Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

"A handjob," Harry replies.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"


************************************************************************************

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "

********************************************************************

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk...

"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.

Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese.

Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy in the middle of the yard looking like he is dead from exhaustion.

Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's, "Shhh. They're getting closer..."

 

[Mizugori]

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer's
yard.

The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt.

The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?"

The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car. While walking back,
however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies.

He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said okay, he said, "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson."

With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule.

As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the passenger side. One of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!"

 

[Mizugori]

Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off.

After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."

Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."

"I'll take you."

"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks."

"I want you."

So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."

 

[Freshgeardude]

Originally posted by: Mizugori

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "

Lol

 

[Mizugori]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".

One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.

After a few minutes ?slap and tickle?, they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor?s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

 

[Mizugori]

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet.

As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: `Oral Sex` frogs! Only $20 each! Money back guarantee!! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody`s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, `I`ll take one.`

The man packaged the frog and said, `Just follow the instructions carefully.`

The girl nods, grabs the box and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do.

1. Take a shower

2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.

4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the from down `there`.

She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and to her surprise, nothing happens.

The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, `If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.`

So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, `I had some complaints earlier today. I`ll be right over.

Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, `See, I`ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.`

The man looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: `Listen to me! I`m only going to show you how to do this one more time!!!!!

 

[Mizugori]

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out.

He gives him the advice, "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had my wife give me a blowjob. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!"

Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?"

"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!"

 

[Mizugori]

A man is telling a story... "I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player, I was playing horribly that day.

As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, "three wood."

I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard "three wood."

I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three wood.

I thought it was stupid but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood.

It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me.

At the next whole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever.

I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog.

That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette.

I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel.

After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser.

Suddenly it looked at me and said, "kiss me." Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but the frog asked me again.

So I kissed the frog and it turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life.

And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room.

 

[Mizugori]

A captain in the foreign legion is transferred to a desert outpost where he notices an old, seedy looking camel at the back of the barracks.

He asks his sergeant what it is for.

"Well, sir, we're a fair distance from anywhere and the men have natural sexual urges. When they do, they use the camel."

"Gosh," says the captain, "Well if it's good for morale, it's fine by me."

The captain soon becomes frustrated himself and finally tells the sergeant to bring him the camel.

The sergeant shrugs his shoulders and brings the camel to the captain's quarters.

The captain gets a foot stool and begins to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he steps down, satisfied, he asks the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The sergeant replies, "Well no, sir, usually they just ride the camel to the nearest brothel."

 

[Mizugori]

After a long night buying a foxy woman drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home. After the walk to the door, the woman asked Joe in for a nightcap...

One thing led to another and before you know it, Joe was naked.

After making great love Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she said.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded Joe, bewildered.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

 

[wwswimming]

it's not a joke but i thought it was funny.

one of the winners of the Aniboom animation contest was about a loaf of bread
that takes exception with the Atkins diet.

http://www.aniboom.com/video/2...ng-Bang-You-are-Bread/