At dinner, little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer.
"But I don't know how to pray," he replied.
“Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.," said his father.
"Okay”, the boy said,".
"Dear Lord,... Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my Daddy's Blackberry. And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work.
AMEN"
A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthetic shot. No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.
So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. "No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."
So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. "What are those?" he asked.
"Viagra," she replied.
"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested a 22 year old male, who was fornicating a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the courthouse, he was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. He explained, "As there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around." He went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. “Guess I was really into it, ya know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, he failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until the Deputy approached him. “It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,” said the Deputy. “I walked up to him, and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.”
The Deputy went on to describe what happened when she approached him. “I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there. And then he looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin?! Damn! ... is it midnight already?'”
Thought for Today:
"A liberal paradise would be a place where everybody has
Guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare,
Free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free
Utilities, and only law enforcement has guns."
"And believe it or not, such a place does indeed exist."
"It's called prison."
Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Maricopa County, Arizona
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"