Joke thread

[chimaxi83]

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it??"
The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?"
The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out.
he friend says "well, did you get the money?"
He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

LOLed for a good 10 seconds.

 

[John Connor]

Spoiler

a man used to go to church every sunday just to see a reallllly hot nun
when the man finally worked up the courage to go talk to her, she said "i couldn't. Besides, i'd only fool around with a priest."

broken-hearted, them man took a taxi home. When the taxi driver asked the guy why he was so sad, he told him the story. The taxi driver suggested dressing up like a priest, going to the church and ¤¤¤¤ing the nun . Thinking this was a good idea, the man went and bought a priest's disguise.

Next sunday, the man went to church and after everyone else had left, he donned the disguise and asked the nun for some . The nun replied, "ok but only in the bumhole, i don't want to completely lose my viginity."


after the act , the man ripped off his disguise and said "ha ha, im not a priest, im the guy who you turned down last week!"

"ha ha, jokes on you, im the taxi driver!

bahahaha!

 

[JTsyo]

Old joke

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

 

[John Connor]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 

[shortylickens]

 

[TastesLikeChicken]

Two old-timers are playing golf. The first geezer hits his drive 150 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. The second blue-hair steps up to the tee and pulls his drive left, deep into a stand of trees. After a bit of searching they finally find his ball sitting right next to a frog.

As the old guy reaches down to pick up his ball the frog says, in a sensuous female voice, "If you pick me up and kiss me I will turn into a beautiful women who will give you the best sex ever, any time you want it, for the rest of your life." He thinks about it for about a second, picks up the frog, puts it in a pocket of his golf bag and zips it up. Horrified, his buddy asks "What the hell are you doing?"

The geezer replies "At my age...I'd rather just have a talking frog."

 

[John Connor]

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, “Please come over here and help me… I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”

He took her hand and said, “Second, I’d want you to relax… Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…”

He sighed, “let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

 

[John Connor]

A Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."