*Last Update (I hope) girlfreind tells me "we need to talk"

[silverpig]

Sorry man. It sucks, but trust me, it gets a lot better.

 

[thraashman]

Well here's how I'd handle it, you may not want to, but I like to go for what I call the ironic punishment routine. Treat her like she's been treating you. For a little time (until christmas break or so) give her the general silent treatment. I'm not saying ignore her completely, but don't initiate any conversations with her. Don't IM her unless she IMs you first, and even then say as little as possible. Don't talk to her on the phone for more than 2 minuts at a time. Get in no long conversations with her. If she says she needs to talk to you, say something like "I'd love to, but I'm really busy right now, it'll have to wait till later." And when she calls you on the behavior (and she most likely will) tell her how you felt and that you were letting her now how it feels. Some people don't like having their own actions thrown in their face, especially women. But when they're in the wrong (as women usually are but will never admit) they need to be told so. Stand strong, stand firm, cut off emotions for a short while. I by no means think you should break it off unless you absolutely must, but the easiest way to train a dog is with a choke chain. Put a little choke on the relationship so to speak. I doubt you'll take my advice, no one ever does, even when I'm right (I don't have a girlfriend, this is all theoretical, I claim NO knowledge of women).

Or just sleep with a bunch of strippers, video tape it, and send it to your girlfriend with a letter saying, this is what happened when a girl just wanted to lay HER head in MY lap, so HA!!!!!

 

[Rallispec]

<< But when they're in the wrong (as women usually are but will never admit) >>


haha

so Traashman, your saying dont break it off yet? just kinda 'choke' the relationship for a while and see how she reacts....
I'm no expert but seems to me that if i were to show her less attention, thats just more of an excuse for her to go running of with other guys and less of a reason to make our relationship work. Of course, right now i feel like i'm the only putting effort into the relationship and maybe this is what i need to do. What would be stopping things from ending back like they are now in a month though. Thats what bothers me the most.. its not workin now, and i dont know how to make it work.

 

[Brutuskend]

Dude I'm telling you!

I've been dealing with women a LONG time. @47 I've been with A LOT of women.

Though I'm sure you don't want to take MY advice, listen to the voice of experiance.

....................................................read my post's........................................................

And suck it up. Your best bet is to do what I suggested.. IMHO

 

[mztykal]

I'll be real witcha...

...love? What the fvck is that? Is that before your heart gets broken? Or is that after when you know you ain't feeling the person as much? Or is that a word you use to get some?

To me, love ain't sh*t. It's just a word people use to front. :-(

<---is havin some girl probs himself now.

 

[wajih]

Danny,

man...i'm sorry...yeah women suck...here's my story, learn from it:

my gf and i....going out over 1.5 years....1 year of it long ditance (me @ college in NY, her still in hs in TX)....i really loved her, thought she was the one....btw we were best friends before dating...

over the summer....around mid-summer......she goes clubbing (nothing wrong with that)....grinds with other guys (sometimes wrong wtih that)....after i tell her not too (sometimes VERY WRONG with that)...and she lies to me....

she tells me at the end of summer...after i was thinking that we were having a WONDERFUL summer...we put the relationship on hold...i.e. we act like we're going out...but i need time to figure things out....school starts again and she's def. not putting in the required effort for the long distance thing to work out....

reminds me of the cake song "Never There"...somethings changed alot....so i cut things off about the month ago...i wasn't sure that i should of....i started missing her ect....was going to call her her to gert back together....2 weeks after the break up i call her....she's already started seeing other guys.....goes ahead and tells me that she's been making out with some guys .....i'm totally blown away! but i know that i made the right move!

it hurts to break up with someone...but just remember that you too need some love...and if she's not there for ya, dump her....it's harsh..but life works out in the end...and if you decide not to be with her...cut it off...don't play those stupid games where you choke the relationship...women don't respond as expected...and it hurts more....

plus...recently...i met this girl who's AMAZING....we'll see how it works out...i'm moving VERY slow.... ;-)

goodluck!

-wajih

 

[busmaster11]

Rallispec,

One thing I've learned, and this was especially difficult for me as someone whose not naturally proactive, is that in these situations you really have a lot more control over the matter than you may think. Spend a couple days thinking about her characteristics; that is, her loyalty, faithfulness, and just about everything thats important to you. And don't spend too much time remembering all the wonderful times you two have spent together. In short, try to be as unbiased as possible. Also, you better think carefully if she still comes out in a possitive light after what she's done to you lately.

If after all that you still feel that you love her, and that its not because you're afraid of losing her, or afraid of your own insecurities, or afraid of that loneliness/emptiness feeling, then go after her. It's hard to tell what kind of girl she is. For most girls, I think there are things you can do at certain points that can really win her back. What and when is the big mystery. Think creative and romantic. The most important thing is to let her know how you feel, and whatever you do, don't probe or raise your voice in a way that could make her defensive. That part cannot be stressed enough.

Good luck.

 

[Rallispec]

Brutuskend, I hear ya.. dont worry... and while i disagree with you on the fact that right now i really doubt my girlfriend is cheating on me, or has any intentions on it. (I really dont understand why should would have told me what happened if she was planning on having sex with him) But i do agree with you on this.. Its going to get worse before it gets better.. and i need to cut her loose. This is killing me, i've never been this stressed out in my life and its almost entirely becuase of the problems in this relationship. However, as i look back on the past few months, the good times have outweighed the bad and i dont regret anything up to this point.

mztykal It sucks man.. And i have my questions about love too right now. Anyway, best of luck to you with your girl problems.

wajih, good luck with this new girl. I'm not sure if i could move on so quick either.. I'm definetely going take things slower from now on. Me and my girlfreind now rushed into things a lot.. within a month of the time we started dating we had gotten really serious and it was kinda scary at times.

 

[Brutuskend]

Hey I know it hurts. It hurts BAD. I was a total zombie for a few month's after I broke it off with th girl in Ca. But shortly after that (as soon as my head cleared) Time's where GOOD!!! Women every where.. (until she came back at least)

Braking up is NEVER easy, But sometimes it's easier than the alternative...

What ever you end up doing, good luck, and be strong!

 

[Rallispec]

well i've had all the waiting up for her i can handle in one night. I'm going to call her tomorrow morning. I'll let you all know how things turn out.

 

[Rage187]

Man please dont be a pu55y, tell her off, and make sure you get the last word in...


Tell her you think you might be "infected", dont elaborate on what it could be.. A little worrying on her part would do her some good..



And it'll be even funnier when she has to tell the new guy she's screwing, that she ain't exactly "clean"...


So in the end, the best words of advice I can give is "You dont bring a knife to a gun fight", show your a big dog and bring a bazooka..

 

[OUdejavu]

Rallispec,

I went through the same thing you are going through a couple of years ago. The details are remarkably similar except we made the mistake of going to the same college. From what you've written here, I would have to agree with the people who have said you girlfriend doesn't have the guts to end it (or you either, no offense, i was there too).

The heart of the matter though is that she thinks she can treat you however she wants because you want the relationship more than she does. You've sacrificed your feelings, self respect, and admitted putting school in behind her, too.

She's gonna ease herself out of the relationship, and string you along and its gonna suck. Trust me, sack up now and put her to a decision and you'll be better off EITHER WAY.

- deja

p.s. yall arent gonna be able to be friends for a WHILE

 

[HOWITIS]

no woman is worth what your going for. she obviously doesn't love you when you gotta coax her into saying it. her being your first is one reason your so hooked on her, so it will hurt but you gotta let her go.

 

[Chrono]

Hey... I totally agree with hotchic there. 2 options.. end it or ... (too lazy to look at the second reason)

lol

uh yes! do it already... the more you drag the more it'll hurt you! obviously it's bothering you A LOT and it's not bothering her at all. I'm sorry to say but most of the time it's the girl that does the breaking up (they're the ones mostly unhappy all the time)

which really sucks doesn't it? oh well...

maybe if you two were 30 minutes apart? 6 hours is a big amount of time to see each other...

Goodluck... and godspeed hehe

oh yeah... you can always talk to us so feel free to post anything ;p anytime if you're depressed or whatever... I mean we've all gone through this sort of thing right?... wait.. maybe some of us are just pure computer geeks.. but most of us have..

 

[frogger]

Rallispec

There have been many posts as how to you should react.

Just remember this advice from a person who is dealing with an un-faithful wife.

If you have any doubts now, they will be amplified in the future.

RUN LIKE H@LL! NOW!!!!!!!!!!

You might think this is a tad strong. Wait until you pay for lawyers/courts/investigators. Then you will see moving on is "financially" correct and "emotionally" easier.

Run, Ral, Run NOW!

 

[lawaris]

we need a poll for this.............


the # of ayes and nays may give the ans.

 

[bozack]

Sorry to hear that man.....

Do yourself a favor and just end it....

Either

A. tell her over the phone, I know it is hard but it is best...be as short and to the point as possible, try not to get upset or anything...just make it seem indifferent to you, like she doesn't even matter (even though you know she does). Just say something like "I think it is time we move on" but be professional about it, that will piss her off more, and right now you want her to be pissed not you.

B. send her an email and avoid her calls for a while, when you do talk to her make it sound like you have something better to do, or that your in a hurry....this will definately annoy her.

C. send an IM telling her and see option B.

Also.....do not try to stay friends.....as it will never work!!!! at least for you it won't as you are "head over heels" for this girl....personally I would just be done with it and move on.

Good luck

 

[skace]

Well heres what I would do, although I've never been in your shoes (discredit at will I guess). I would completely ignore her and pretend she never existed. I guess this sounds pretty cruel at first. But heres my reasoning. It seems she likes toying with your emotions and leading you on for the sake of her own self-confidence. How did I come to this conclusion? Just from reading this thread she has done the following: Had a great time with you when you 2 got together but then proceeded to blow you off when she got back to school. Brought up the old "we need to talk" line to scare you, dragged out the waiting period, and then talked about trivial things. Told you she put her head in another guys lap and then let him touch her, when you respond, she gets mad at you for yelling at her. Then she goes out and friggin gets drunk with the same guy, and isn't back by 2am. By completely ignoring her, she will either learn that the love you gave her was something she was taking for granted or that she has truely gotten over you. If what others said is correct and she is trying to force you to break up, then this is the only option she doesn't anticipate. She expects you to either claw your way along or break off with her. If you call her back, she will either blow you off again and not let you get what you want to say in or you will end up apologizing for her actions like you seem to do often.

This way is probably too harsh and as I write this I already know you probably would never do this since you are so head-over-heals about her, you would ditch your own education to drive down and comfort her while she screws around with other guys. But I still think it is the best approach so I had to lay it out. If you did this and ended up running into her again (you mentioned families being close friends or something) then you could just state that you thought she made it blatantly obvious that it was over and nothing more needed to be exchanged. Her actions have spoken far louder than her words ever will - at least to the unbiased eye. Also, I think she broke the ability for you to be friends when she decided that you weren't even worth giving a proper breakup to and she needed to screw around with another guy to end it.

Whichever path you choose, one thing should remain unchanged. Don't pretend she has good intentions when she hurts you. Don't rationalize for her mistakes, that is BS. She didn't have good intentions when she told you she wanted to put her head in another mans lap and then decided to do just that. If she had good intentions, she wouldn't have done it in the first place or would have at least apologized for it. She told you it because she feeds off the attention and emotion. Good intentions would have been her saying she had put her head in another mans lap in a moment of weakness and wants your forgiveness because she feels terrible about it. And even that would have been shakey ground.

But....then again.... what do I know? I've never been in love and have barely any life experience with girls. My only experience is having the ability to read peoples emotions very well and being able to listen to people. Goodluck with your relationship, looks like you are going to need it!

*edit: I sound self-righteous, but I'm not. I'd prolly end up forgiving her anyways cuz I'm a wuss. But this still seems like the perfect approach

 

[Rallispec]

update
I crawl in bed last night around two, of course i have a lot on my mind and cant really fall asleep so i just laid there thinking about what to do. Just before 3am the phone rings.. Sure enough it was my girlfreind calling. Drunk off her a$$. I had really been wanting to avoid this.. Yes i wanted to talk to her, but not while drunk. I doubt she even remembers calling.
So I talk to her for a little while, hoping that she'll sober up some.. i wanted to know what she had to say. So I ask her whats been going on- why she's been so distant lately and keeping things from me. And of course she gets upset that i'm confronting her like this, becuase its very out of my character to do. Anyway.. here is what she said to me last night:

First- she kept saying that she loves me.. and said all her problems were related to her frustration and unhappiness at her current school. She hates it there and wants to transfer. I know she doesnt like school, she never has. Why all the sudden this effects our relationship- i dont know.

Second- James, the guy who's lap she was laying had a crush on her last year.. but as she put it "is ugly" and i have nothing to worry about. He's just a freind. I'm not sure what to make of this... Him having a crush on her doesnt make me any more comfortable with the idea. And when she went out drinking last night, She did not go to his apartment, she went out with her roomates to some Frat party aperently.

Third - Here is the real kicker. Her and her exboyfreind have been really good freinds since 7th grade, long before i knew her. They dated for a while ( a year on and off, not a serious relationship) but broke up about a year and half ago. She still talks to him all the time. Something that kinda makes me worry becuase i know he still has feelings for her. But she insists that she doesnt like him as anything other than a freind and just likes to talk to him sometimes. Well over thanksgiving break John (her ex) went over to her house to say and visit for a little while. He told her that he still has feelings for her and now that she is with me, and he cant have her... he realizes he needs her more than ever. Then he leaned over and kissed her. She said she did not want to kiss him, and pushed him away.. but he was pretty persistant and tried to put his arm around her or something like that. After her pushing him away enough times he got the hint and left. I dont understand this, if she didnt want to kiss him, its real easy to move your head or something.. i cant believe she didnt tell me this, and hid it from me all thanksgiving break when i thought things were going so well. She said she doesnt like him, and hasnt talked to him since then.

Around this time the effects of the alcohol starting taking their toll.. She told me she loves me and then she passed out. Haven't talked to her since then.

As much as i love her, and want to stay with her.. I really dont think i can handle this anymore. I really think i need to break up with her. But i'm having the balls to actually go through with it. She gets out of class around 12 today. I'm going to call her then, not sure what i'm going to say. One thing is for sure though, unless things change, i cant go on like this.

 

[bozack]

Do you really want to be with a girl that has to get drunk to tell you that??

Heck at least she admitted that she went to a "Frat" party...however when I was in school I was always leary when the girl that I liked would get hammered and go hang with a house full of horny guys


and the fact that she still talks to her ex all the time is not a good sign at all, not to mention they have known each other all of their lives.


I would take it easy for a bit and have some fun with some other women!!!

 

[Red Dawn]

Hmm.. now's a good time to deal with this on your own and spare the rest of us. You'll probably have to deal with this BS a few times with other chicks before you end up getting married (when the real BS starts)

 

[Looney]

It's not like the thread title is misleading or something... if you don't want to participate, you don't need to enter the thread. Personally, i find entertainment in others misery, so i like these kind of threads.

And i hate girls talking to their ex's. It's almost always about their current bf, and often it's just bitching (believe me, i know firsthand).

 

[rmblam]

She's not happy. She doesn't know what she wants. She's taking you down with her.

You've gotten some good advice in this thread. It's time to end it and move on. This is not a healthy relationship and not in your best interest. I don't see it getting any better any time soon.

It's time to tell her that you need some time to clear your head and not have anyone (her) in your life right now. You need to focus on you and your future first. Don't let your emotions steer you astray, as hard as that can be.

I can think of two relationships I had years ago that had similar scenarios. I wasted way too much time trying to make it work and in the end it didn't. I doubt your situation will end differently as this happens to most people as they mature. It is the same old story.

The writing is on the wall. You just need to come to terms with it (It sounds like you are, almost).

Best wishes.

 

[busmaster11]

On one hand you don't deserve to be put through this, and by breaking it off, you lose nothing if she wasn't right for you, or you lose a girl who needs some time to realize she shouldn't be stringing you along if she truly loves you, and in that case, you're right - it will get worse before it gets better.

On the other hand, there's something to be said for helping her and keeping faithful while she's emotionally in conflict. That way, if you guys last, you can always feel like you two have passed the most difficult trials.

Just figure out if you love her enough to stay with her. This isn't about ego, or pride, or who has the upper hand. It may very well be about who you're with the rest of your life. Patience is the hardest thing.

My girlfriend of three years wanted a "break" three months ago, after we talked of getting married... Like you, all this time she also told me she loved me, would never break up with me, and would never cheat on me. Yet she wanted a break, and I was in anguish the whole time and couldn't concentrate on anything. I even cried. Somehow I pulled myself together and told her I'll be here for as long as it takes, as long as I know she's faithful. But she also went out and had drinks with her friends, and later I found out she considered breaking up with me but didn't. I think we're pretty happy together right now...

One other note. IF she talks to you when she's drunk, she's probably being really honest, or atleast, you're getting some real insight into what she's thinking...

 

[Nitemare]

She let her ex kiss her, plain and simple. If she had wanted to avoid it she could have. Her ex still has the hots for her and talks to her regularly(trying to get back in her pants). This is ok to her as she still talks to him and lets him kiss her. I would not be surprised if she only told you this because he said that he would tell you in an attempt to break up the relationship. She did this behind your back and you only got it out of her in a drunk confessional. I would hate to imagine the other stuff she does behind your back.

She really needs to grow up. She is in college now and practically an adult, yet life and everyone else is a game and party to her. You are being used...so like I said earlier and a couple of others repeated, show her who the hombre is. Cut off all communications, don't call her, don't email her, or chat with her. You are too busy whenever she calls...homework, studying, chillin with your boys....then after a week or so..give her a "We need to talk", but you don't have time now. You will try and call her tomorrow. Don't call her then, tell her something came up, then call her the next day after that. So in that time you have had a week to think about all the crap she is putting you through lately. Make a list...and then run it by her in bullet fashion(one after another) Say you used to love her but don't know anymore. She has changed and not for the better. You want her to be the person she was and if she can't than you think we need to break it off.

So in other words, make her worry and wonder about you for a whole week, give her the "We need to talk" and then let her sit on that for 48 hours, then you slap her(hopefully some sense into her) with her behavior lately, then you issue the ultimatum, clean up your act or else.

This is if you wanted to stay in the relationship. Personally,...well you know what I would do..kick her a$$ to the curb. There is no way a man can be friends with a woman right after a breakup, that takes alot of time and healing. Good luck in whatever you decide and remember ATOT will be here for you if you need us.