*Last Update (I hope) girlfreind tells me "we need to talk"

[iamwiz82]

dump her. Do you relaly wanna deal with this crap? C'mon, there are over 2.5 billion women out there. You will find another one, and she'll be closer to you. Long distance relationships dont work.

 

[busmaster11]

Nitemare - I can't believe you wrote "she needs to grow up" and then ask Rallispec to stoop to her level by playing the game...

Please, be honest, and if you truely love her and think she's worth it, be faithful...

 

[Red Dawn]

Moralpanic

<< Personally, i find entertainment in others misery, so i like these kind of threads. >>

Truly a case of "Misery loves company"

 

[Nitemare]

<< Nitemare - I can't believe you wrote "she needs to grow up" and then ask Rallispec to stoop to her level by playing the game...

Please, be honest, and if you truely love her and think she's worth it, be faithful... >>



What is good for the gander is good for the goose as well. He is obviously hesitant to break it off with her and wants to try to salvage the relationship. After she experiences the game from the opposite direction I don't think she will play it as often.

Think back to the playground. There is a bully who always picks on one kid. He will do this forever if allowed. The only way to get him to stop is punch him in the nose. True you might get an a$$ whooping a time or two, but it will end the tyranny sooner rather than later. My suggestion was only if he wanted to salvage it, if he doesn't that is cool as well and probably agrees with the perception of 95% of the people reading this thread.

How would you advocate being faithful? being a puppy dog for her to play with and dispose of when she is done?

 

[busmaster11]

<< Think back to the playground. There is a bully who always picks on one kid. He will do this forever if allowed. The only way to get him to stop is punch him in the nose. True you might get an a$$ whooping a time or two, but it will end the tyranny sooner rather than later. My suggestion was only if he wanted to salvage it, if he doesn't that is cool as well and probably agrees with the perception of 95% of the people reading this thread.

How would you advocate being faithful? being a puppy dog for her to play with and dispose of when she is done? >>



Whatever happened to the "growing up" part? The playground was elementary school; are we not above that? By the time you're thinking retribution to hurt her the way you've been hurt, you're way past contemplating your love for the girl, whether you know it or not.

Maybe its just that I don't see, or am not entirely convinced, that the girl is purely mean, evil and unfaithful, which is what you assume in your puppy dog question. The reason for that, is simply that Rallispec still wants to be with her if she returns to normal... Thats why I keep saying that Rallispec should take some time to step back and try to evaluate her character in the most unbiased way possible. And if she is as evil as your assumption makes her out to be, then forget what I said about faith.

 

[skace]

"The reason for that, is simply that Rallispec still wants to be with her if she returns to normal... Thats why I keep saying that Rallispec should take some time to step back and try to evaluate her character in the most unbiased way possible. And if she is as evil as your assumption makes her out to be, then forget what I said about faith."

You mean just like how a victim of domestic violence always say their husbands are good people, can change, and have good intentions? Anyone can live a lie. I'm not trying to make Rallispec lose confidence in her, but what she has done is wrong and it is her turn to make it up to him, not his turn to continue making up for everything. One person can only patch a relationship up so many times before they burn themselves out.

 

[Nitemare]

She is behaving and acting as a child so she needs to be treated as such. You can not punish or teach a child as you would an adult because they would not understand...

You have to relegate yourself to their level to get your point across or else it falls on deaf ears.

 

[Nitemare]

<< "The reason for that, is simply that Rallispec still wants to be with her if she returns to normal... Thats why I keep saying that Rallispec should take some time to step back and try to evaluate her character in the most unbiased way possible. And if she is as evil as your assumption makes her out to be, then forget what I said about faith."

You mean just like how a victim of domestic violence always say their husbands are good people, can change, and have good intentions? Anyone can live a lie. I'm not trying to make Rallispec lose confidence in her, but what she has done is wrong and it is her turn to make it up to him, not his turn to continue making up for everything. One person can only patch a relationship up so many times before they burn themselves out. >>



And if the wifebeater got treated the same way he was treating his wife, there is a good possibility that he might change. Ignorant people have to be treated as such.
They know not what they do....so show em what they do.

 

[Nemesis77]

I think... That YOU need to have a talk with her. And do not accept if she says that she's busy or something. Tell her that

1. You are uncomfortable with the fact that she has been spending time with that "guy" (the one he met and got drunk)
2. You feel personally insulted and hurt that she did not tell about her ex visiting her
3. That she needs to start act more mature. She's not a kid anymore, it's time she gives up her childish ways.
4. That you understand her frustration with her school, but that is not an acceptable excuse to lash out on you and hurt your feelings and your relationship.
5. That she owes an apology for her actions
6. That you are willing to give you two space and time for her to think about 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5.
7. If she doesn't think about forementioned things or refuses to act on them, there's no point to continue with the relationship. It's causing you stress and anxiety, and you can't go on like this.

EDIT: spelling

 

[skace]

"And if the wifebeater got treated the same way he was treating his wife, there is a good possibility that he might change. Ignorant people have to be treated as such. They know not what they do....so show em what they do. "

Not exactly. A person who causes domestic violence, whether as a jerk reaction or premeditated, is showing they do not know how to communicate their emotions or feelings. This type of person should not be in any type of relationship at all until they are mentally stable. It is most likely they are stronger than the female and if the female ever struck back, she would be hospitalized. If you drag yourself down to their level, you get yourself hurt and you lose at a game they have been perfecting for years. A girl would have trouble beating up a wife beater just like Rallispec would have trouble being as low as his GF has been to him. He has already stated he couldn't drag himself to what she has done and even if he tried, she would do it better.

Just like the wifebeater, I don't think his GF belongs in a relationship right now. She needs some time to figure out what she wants and maybe, to the extreme, needs some help dealing with her problems. She also needs to learn how to say no, she can't just let every guy that wants to kiss her, kiss her. What if her Ex had wanted more than to kiss, would she have stopped him then?

 

[busmaster11]

<< You mean just like how a victim of domestic violence always say their husbands are good people, can change, and have good intentions? Anyone can live a lie. I'm not trying to make Rallispec lose confidence in her, but what she has done is wrong and it is her turn to make it up to him, not his turn to continue making up for everything. One person can only patch a relationship up so many times before they burn themselves out. >>



I think that just because you make the analogy doesn't make it valid. A lot of things can bring on emotional distress, and at a certain point it can lead to distress and confusion about other issues. It's okay to have to contemplate your devotion to a person. I know, its not okay to deal with your issues the way she's been doing it and treating Rallispec. Maybe if you give her some time, she will make it up to him.

To compare someone to a battered wife may or may not be valid. But to do so would undermine all the assumptions in this thread by taking away Rallispec's credibility to think for himself.

I don't even know why it seems I'm poised to defend this girl. I'm not trying to. But if she's not worth it, Rallispec wouldn't love her, and wouldn't bring this up in the forums. And we wouldn't be talking here...

 

[BD231]

What is good for the gander is good for the goose as well. He is obviously hesitant to break it off with her and wants to try to salvage the relationship. After she experiences the game from the opposite direction I don't think she will play it as often.

BOOM!, right there man. You gotta show her how it feels. Dont go off and screw chicks, just stop trying to get ahold of her so damn hard!. This girl sounds like a loose cannon and it looks like you need to give her a wake up call dogg. You sure as HELL, would not be stooping to her level by not calling her. You've done your very best to show her you love her, the only way to find out if she truely needs/wants you is to show her what its like without you in her life as a consistant figure in her life. What I've noticed the most, is that girls let there emotions take control of there dicisions, and in some cases there whole lives. Thats why a girl can get mad at someone for hearing a song they dont like on the radio, be a complete raving beoch one min and a frikin angel you cant live without the next. In your GF's case, it sounds like shes under a big load of emotional termoil, and shes just trying to get away from it all. I know when im drunk off my ass im sure as hell not thinking about anything important. You bitchen and moaning about how you love her and want to know wtf is going on is only stressing her out more, which is why shes avoiding you, and, geting drunk off her ass. Keep the faith dogg, cus thats what strong relationships are made of, but you gotta expect the worst. If she breaks it off on you insted of you breaking it off with her, dont front on it. That leaves her with the uncertaintys, and even though it hurts, at least you know your not missing out on anything. Trust me, there are ALOT of cool girls out there looking for a guy who cares, just like you care. Girls are undoubtedly the best companions in the world, sure there irrational in completely obsurd ways, but damn. When it comes to comfort, love, respect, fun and happieness, they just cant be topp'd. I know you want to know whats going on man, and your in the right for feeling like that. But sometimes patients is what it takes. You have to remember that shes not thinking straight, so give her some time, ALONE, to figure things out. Let her come to you, be the someone she falls back on when she wakes up.

 

[skace]

Busmaster11,

I didn't mean to say what she did was as bad as a wifebeater. My analogy was to show that people can overlook ANYTHING no matter how wrong. "Love conquers all" right? Rallispec loves her, no doubt about it, but does she love him? Only when drunk so far...

She has wronged him. He owes her no apology, she owes him the apology, therefor he shouldn't be calling her up constantly and trying to right her wrongs.

"Maybe if you give her some time, she will make it up to him. "

Exactly, some time ALONE. Otherwise she will never figure it out.

"But if she's not worth it, Rallispec wouldn't love her, and wouldn't bring this up in the forums."

I don't wish to undermine Rallispec's abiltiy to think or judge on his own either. I also am not trying to prove that she isn't worth it. What I am saying is that I think she needs help, and as long as he is constantly there to forgive every mistake she makes, that help will never occur.



The little catholic girl. She feels religious, only when she has done something wrong. She prays to god but at the same time blaims everything on him, always asking "why have you forsaken me god?". She sins all day, but never takes responsibility for her actions, because at the end of the week she goes to confession. She swears loyalty to God and claims to be religious, even though she can't say no when someone else wants to break the rules. But God loves everybody as long as they pray to him.

 

[busmaster11]

<< Girls are undoubtedly the best companions in the world, sure there irrational in completely obsurd ways, but damn. When it comes to comfort, love, respect, fun and happieness, they just cant be topp'd. >>


Are there even other options? Dogs? Computers? Gay men? :Q

 

[BD231]

Are there even other options? Dogs? Computers? Gay men?


busmaster11, im not sure but maybe you should try all three and report back a-sap!. Qucik, go buy yourself a Dell, Welsh Corgy, and introduce yourself to Fabio.

 

[UnixFreak]

Dude, you are getting hosed. Your worst fears are true. She is doin other guys, and keeping you hanging. Dump her. It amazes me how some people can be with a chick like this, with all these "opportunities" to cheat, and think that its by accident. Its just a strange coincedence that guys are hanging all over her, and she just cant help it, etc.. its bullsh*t. She is either teasing these guys along, making them think they can break off a peice, because she likes the attention, or she's putting out. Bottom line. In my experience, and what I have seen with freinds, is the girls who seem to have so many "opportunities" to cheat, and so many times guys are "coming on to them" by kissing them against thier will, etc, coming over all the time, etc, its by design. Its intentional because these chicks are either banging every guy that smiles at her, or she is baiting men, by giving them all the impressions that she is going to put out, and likes having them pining after her. Either way, its not someone you want to be with.

Is this a long distance relationship by chance?

 

[DDCSpeed]

Rallispec,

I feel for u on this. Here is a story for u about 1 of my past relationships:

A relationship i was in a 2 ago (lets call her M) was that M slept with someone else and she tells me she is sorry and I partially forgave her but I broke up with her later. Now, I realized that she was the one agree/consent to sleeping with the other guy. NO DOUBT about that she agreed to it. So, I say to you that SHE AGREED TO KISS HIM but hey you arent there to see it so you dont know if she was lying to you or not.

If the following happens:
1. she will make excuses about how you guys arent right together
2. she needs time for herself
3. Or in anyway wanting to break up with you.
She did more than kissing.

She probably called you drunk because she thinks you will believe her since she is drunk and you will think she is telling the truth. If I were you, I would ask her if she did more than "a kiss"

 

[pillage2001]

Oh man, I've been avoiding this thread for like ETERNITY. I was bored and ended up clicking on it.

Ronin and Viper, I've got both of you beaten. I was in a relationship which was 20 hours of FLIGHT apart.

Now back to the point. Pardon me but how old is she? From all this feedbacks that I've read from you. I can safely say that she's not old enough to handle the slgihtest situation around and everytime things hit her bad, she'll end up screwing with others. Am I right or no? If I'm not, then stop here. If I am, read on.

If I'm right, I can see that you've been talking to her. YEs she's not opening herself enough to let you know what wrong. Getting pissed drunk and calling you to whine and bitch at you is not opening up to you. Like you said, she don't even know if she's called. I don't take that as a call from her. More like a '5bucks per minute bitch all you want hotline' for her to call. Getting drunk is a symptom of weakness in her. People just don't get drunk in life for nothing. Not when it's a weekday or the beginning of a week. Not to start a flame on me but people just don't get drunk for nothing. It shows her weakness right there. Does she do it all the time?? She might have a problem if she does. Either she's an alcoholic or she's feeling damn good when she's drunk. Back to the point, after reading the whole thread. I can safely say, if she doesn't want to talk about it. Be it. It bothers you, right.

You're thinking your arse off just trying to figure WTF is going on. You love her alot. I can see that. You don't want anything worse than a bad hair day to happen to her. Damn straight I'm right about that. But can you see what all this is turning in to? It's a disaster waiting to happen. Again I ask what's herage? 18? 19?? Screw me but I'm calling her childish for all her actions. Laying down a ona guys lap who has a crush on her is like lighting a cigarrete with petroleum on it. It's a flamebait and PICTURE THIS. Imagine if she's the one getting pissed drunk with him and she was over at his apt. I can top explaining there because you can think what's gonna happen next. Again, I might be wrong, she might be lying she might be not. How sure are you she's not?? going to a frat party can be just as bad. Why I say so?? It's because I get girls flashing at me from nowhere and guys asking for more. I've not been ot a frat party but I can safely say thaaty I STAY in THE MIDDLE OF FRATERNITY VILLAGE! I think I ponder out of my discussion. Here goes, what's her age again?? THis is important.

My conclusion. She's childish. She can't handle herself and she's not talking to you over what's been going on lately and I hate when my gf lays on a guy's lap. And moreover, a guy who has crush on her. She would choose to get drunk rather then to talk to you over the phone. Hell yeah I would give anything to talk to my gf over the phone if she's like 20 hours of FLIGHT away from me. No, she did not. why? I don't know. All I can safely tell you is. Be prepared dude. She's looking for an excuse to go out with some other guys over there. WHy?? She's putting faults after faults in your mouth. Did you do it?? HELL, DID YOU DO IT?? DID YOU YELL AT HER?? NO?? You answered my question. She's putting her foot in your mouth and if she feels better bitching at you. Let her have it. I know you have to be there for her but be there for her just to flame ya and not let you talk sense into her, fvck her off. HOW OLD IS SHE? First time away from home?? I see this happening ALL THE TIME. She's not letting you into her life anymore dude. WAke up, smell the fire's she's cooking up. She would say that you're heartless opting for a break. You're doing it best for yourself and her. If she can't tell you what's been going on in her life, she's not worth it. AND GETTING PISSED DRUNK while telling you she loves you IS NOT AN ASSURANCE TO YOUR HAPPINESS THE NEXT MORN. I get girls drunk and elling me those. They're just not thinking right.

What's my say?? Give her a few more days and try to prster her to tell. IF she's the kind that wants attention. I bet she is, fine, give it to her and yet she does not want to tell you what's going on. I don't know what your tolerance level for all this shiat dude, I would just slam the phone on her and call it quit. It's th best you can do. She's getting drunk, she's laying down on a guy,who has a thing for her, lap. She's been kissed by her ex. Are you blind or you're in denial mode?? Tell me. Give her time. SHe's accusing you for every single shait you say. I don't know how much longer you can take. The last time I see this happening. The girl was looking for an excuse to break up so that she could sleep with her crush without being guilty. I can go on but I rather not do it here. Hope things turn out well for you guys.

 

[flyfish]

She's pregnant.

 

[Azraele]

rallispec, I've been following this thread and i really don't know what to tell you. Relationships go through ups and downs, highs and lows. For a relationship to be successful, both parties have to be willing to communicate. If you can get her to talk to you without her getting upset, you might be able to get somewhere. However, things have been so rough that I don't want to see you being hurt again and again, and I honestly can't say that this relationship is healthy when it's causing so much stress. You two might be able to make it work, however, I think you both need a cooling off period, time to seriously think about the road ahead. Once that's over, you both need to come to the table with open minds and not angry words. Communication needs to be open and honest.

I know you're at your wit's end, and I hope things turn out for the best, whatever that may be.

 

[crystal]

Drop her! I know right now you worship the ground the walk on. That she is perfect in every ways and you will make all kind of excuses for her actions/faults, etc. Looking back a few years later, you will be glad if you did dump her.
From personal experiences, I was blind until the last minutes. Looking back, all I can say is "I am is an idiot!".

 

[777php]

What's updated more, yahoo's front page or this thread? J/K

I feel for you man, long distance relationships are hard, things always seem to get better when you are face to face.

 

[Looney]

Scroll up and listen to Nemesis77, he's got a good suggestion there.

 

[rogue1979]

You sound like a guy that has his sh*t together, and after following this thread I can see that you figured out what the score is. I'll put my two cents in anyway, if it helps.

She is most definately seeing one of the two guys, she can't make up her mind, she doesn't want to lose you yet but she also doesn't know what she really wants. It really is a losing situation for you. You will be able to hold on to her for a while longer at the expense of great misery to yourself, but she will end up breaking up. Save yourself a ton of grief and move on right now! If breaking up is the wrong decision, she will come back to you later with her sh*t straight. If she was really committed to you she would not be "talking to her old boyfriend, laying her head on a guys lap that she knows has a crush on her, and it sounds like partying way too much instead of staying home studying or talking to you or at least writing you a letter.

Put everything in perspective, this is the first serious relationship you have had and it seems like everything to you, the whole world. But that is not the reality, because a few months after the break up you will not feel that way. You need to surround yourself with a good support group and get ready to ride out, it will be rough and get worse before it gets better. Friends, family, Anandtech, partying, a casual girlfriend to date, whatever you can to keep busy and do not sit there alone thinking about it all the time. You will find a better relationship in the future, that is a fact, just hang in there.

 

[tantos]

I've followed this thread also and it seems jack crap is getting done about it.. Is this your first relationship? Took me at least 3 relationships to realize what a fool I was in the the other ones!

You tell us all of this yet you seem to want to forgive her for her indiscretions. I used to be like you, always trying to make things work, overlook misgivings and such. One day you will regret this, one day you will become bitter at your own actions.

Any person who has to tell you personal stuff under the influence of anything is a coward! How can you know that she isn't keeping other stuff from you? Everytime you talk tp her you seem to hear new stuff!!

Wake up my friend, the train is leaving and you better go catch it! But then again knowing the person that you are from your posts, you will drag this on as far as you can. I know, I speak from experience.