Living with SO?

[zixxer]

Wondering what others general consensus is on this.. I've never 'officially' had an SO move in, I have had them basically 'stay at my place' all the time though - but IMO that's really very different from someone actually moving their stuff in and everything.


We've dated for about 6 months, and have had a couple of issues. Nothing major, and most are fixed now.. and generally get along very well. She's at my place or I'm at hers almost all the time anyway..

Only issue I see is that this basically eliminates "giving each other space".. It hasn't happened with this relationship, but in others I've hit stages where I need to be by myself every now and then.. Living under the same roof makes this difficult.


EDIT:
Sorry, should have clarified - this is something that won't happen for at least a couple months -... we'll have been together 8-9 months by the time this might happen

 

[FoBoT]

http://www.pics.bbzzdd.com/beta/users/tallbill/Marriage.jpg

 

[KB]

6 months sounds too early to me. But I definately think you need to "test drive" before marriage.

To be by yourself, setup an area of the basement that is off-limits to her. If you have too, build a walled in area.

 

[Lola]

It takes time, patients and learning and especially understanding.
It can be a great experience that can make a couple grow very strong. set rules to start. keep open lines of communication, and understand that you are going to see the "true colors" of your mate.

 

[AbsolutDealage]

Originally posted by: KB
6 months sounds too early to me. But I definately think you need to "test drive" before marriage.

To be by yourself, setup an area of the basement that is off-limits to her. If you have too, build a walled in area.

LOL, let me know how that conversation goes...

"Honey, what is all that noise down there?"
"Ummm... I'm building a wall"
"What for?"
"To keep you out of my stuff"
*sound of woman stomping down stairs*
*sound of woman hitting man on head with hammer*

 

[blackdogdeek]

living with someone will bring up issues you'd probably want to know about before getting married.

 

[Aharami]

6 months is too soon IMO

 

[zixxer]

Sorry, should have clarified - this is something that won't happen for at least a couple months -... we'll have been together 8-9 months by the time this might happen

 

[Scarpozzi]

Do you think she is the one? If so, consider letting her move in. If not, keep her out and end the relationship. Don't settle for a chick you can't marry and certainly don't let one move in.

Keep in mind that when you take on this responsibility, you have to handle:
1. Mood swings
2. Sharing of YOUR space
3. Loss of food shares and alcoholic beverages
4. Mood swings
5. Bathroom space
6. Bathroom time
7. Alone time

Not saying it won't work out, but you need to enter the thing like you're roommates instead of a couple. Draw a line between the cohabitation and the relationship at first. Then you'll fall into your norms and you'll be able to work through stuff. Just keep in mind that if she moves in, you are going to have to give up a lot of freedoms. Not everyone is cut out for it and not all women handle this stuff reasonably. Some are just down-right immature and not ready for this step. Good luck.

 

[KarenMarie]

Studies have shown that ppl who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced.

I think that is stupid because I think it is a good idea to test drive something before outright purchasing it.

I have lived with the b/f for the past 7 years. We dated from 1,000 miles apart for 8 months first. But we are older and pretty much knew what we were getting into.

He has been trying to marry me since the day we moved in together.

 

[Zekial]

yeah, i did the moving in thing with my last SO. boy, was that a mistake. never do that again. cured me of the marriage/'dying alone' blues. now i just have the no-sex blues..but, from what i hear you get those anyway after you get married

 

[iamwiz82]

Originally posted by: KarenMarie
Studies have shown that ppl who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced.

My theory is that people who don't find it morally wrong to live together outside of marriage also don't find it morally wrong to divorce, so the numbers would naturally be higher. I don't think any study takes that into account.

 

[ElFenix]

Originally posted by: iamwiz82

Originally posted by: KarenMarie
Studies have shown that ppl who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced.

My theory is that people who don't find it morally wrong to live together outside of marriage also don't find it morally wrong to divorce, so the numbers would naturally be higher. I don't think any study takes that into account.

i agree that there is probably a selection bias there, rather than a causal relationship.

 

[Cerpin Taxt]

I've always been keen on the idea of living in a space where you each have your own separate bedrooms. There is nothing stopping either of you from "sleeping over" in the other's room, but when you want your own private space over which you have complete domain, it will be invaluable.

I lived with my S.O. and her sister for a year, but I lacked this personal domain. As a consequence, I was out-voted on house issues without fail, and I had no space over which they did not have a measure of control. In the end I didn't feel like we were living together, but that I was living at THEIR house. That's not the way to live. We broke up just as the lease was expiring.

EDIT: I wanted to add that I do NOT regret my experience at all because it taught me a lot about myself and her. We had been together for about 3 years before we moved in together, and I had contemplated proposing marriage. Having the opportunity to "test the waters" before rushing to get married saved everyone involved a great deal of headache and heartache.

 

[bcterps]

Originally posted by: iamwiz82

Originally posted by: KarenMarie
Studies have shown that ppl who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced.

My theory is that people who don't find it morally wrong to live together outside of marriage also don't find it morally wrong to divorce, so the numbers would naturally be higher. I don't think any study takes that into account.

I'm not sure why that matters though. If you quote that statistic to someone that doesn't have any moral problem with divorce, they won't care about the statistic, but if they do have a moral issue about divorce then they may take it into account.

 

[Darkstar757]

Well to be honest I have been living with my GF for about 6 months now we dated for about 5 before we moved in. We dont fight and all is well on the home front. I still a lil nervous about the whole getting married thing. Other than that all is well.

 

[bcterps]

Personally, I don't buy the idea that you have to live with someone else to really get to know them. If you can't really get to know someone before moving in with them, then you have unresolved communication issues. I can understand the allure of moving in with someone to save money though, especially if you live in an area with a high cost of living.

 

[Lola]

Originally posted by: benchiu
Personally, I don't buy the idea that you have to live with someone else to really get to know them. If you can't really get to know someone before moving in with them, then you have unresolved communication issues. I can understand the allure of moving in with someone to save money though, especially if you live in an area with a high cost of living.

i totally disagree...
you have no idea how a person is and all the idocincracies until you are with them 24 hours a day.
I feel it is better to find out who they are (the bad AND the good) before you get married.
I know personally, it was the best thing my husband and I could have done.

 

[astrosfan90]

Do whatever your gut tells you--you're likely going to do it anyway, regardless of what suggestions/stories/experiences people share with you here. Relationships are a strange beast, and you really have to learn for yourself IMO.

 

[ElFenix]

Originally posted by: benchiu

Originally posted by: iamwiz82

Originally posted by: KarenMarie
Studies have shown that ppl who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced.

My theory is that people who don't find it morally wrong to live together outside of marriage also don't find it morally wrong to divorce, so the numbers would naturally be higher. I don't think any study takes that into account.

I'm not sure why that matters though. If you quote that statistic to someone that doesn't have any moral problem with divorce, they won't care about the statistic, but if they do have a moral issue about divorce then they may take it into account.

it matters because most people think there is a causal relationship rather than mere correlation due to another factor that isn't measured. if you quote it to someone who has no moral predisposition either way, they might see it as a reason not to cohabitate.

 

[GTaudiophile]

Talk about perfect timing on this thread!

My GF and I have been in a long-distance relationship for two years, and I just helped her move from Salt Lake City to DC last week. She will be living with me in my tiny studio apartment until she buys her own condo. We both know we are not ready to live together but understand that this is the best financial compromise until she sells her SLC condo, can get use to her new job, and then start looking for a new place.

Anyway, after a 2,600 mile drive, we finally arrived at my place last Saturday afternoon, and I must say, despite trying to mentally prepare myself for weeks/months, I still was NOT (am not) ready to live with someone. I am an only child and severely independent. Sharing, compromising, and scheduling with someone else involved is taking some massive getting use to.

I just know I have an interesting couple months ahead of me!

 

[KarenMarie]

Originally posted by: iamwiz82

Originally posted by: KarenMarie
Studies have shown that ppl who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced.

My theory is that people who don't find it morally wrong to live together outside of marriage also don't find it morally wrong to divorce, so the numbers would naturally be higher. I don't think any study takes that into account.

That makes sense to me.

 

[bcterps]

Originally posted by: LolaWiz
i totally disagree...
you have no idea how a person is and all the idocincracies until you are with them 24 hours a day.
I feel it is better to find out who they are (the bad AND the good) before you get married.
I know personally, it was the best thing my husband and I could have done.

I had a great idea of who my wife was and what she was like before we started living together. I knew the good and the bad, and when we started living together, there weren't really any surprises. I think that if people are finding out tons of things that they didn't know before they started living together, that there wasn't great communication before that point, or that their relationship hadn't progressed to that level yet.

 

[Tuktuk]

I would advise against it, especially after only 6 months. My ex and I were attached at the hip for a year, and she basically lived at my apartment. She stayed over there 99% of the nights I lived there and had her clothes, makeup, etc. over there. In return for getting free rent she cleaned the place all the time and bought me food.

However, what seemed like a normal transition to another place changed everything. I didn't give it a second thought because we were already basically living together. But having her over all the time DOES NOT equal living together. There are many other factors involved when both of your names are on the lease and both of you are responsible for certain bills.

If you value your relationship I would give it some more time. Also try to pay attention to little things.. is she good with money? Does she pay you or others back on time? Is her place clean? Is she used to having premium cable TV? Is she noisy? Does she have a bunch of friends that might be over all the time? Not necesarily problems I had, but these are the little things you have to look for. They could lead to big trouble when you're sharing a place together.

edit: In my case since we had an arrangement where she didn't deal with any bills, and the place was "mine," everything seemed perfect. Then when we lived together officially she never paid any of the bills she was responsible for, and had her sister over ALL THE TIME. Like a babysitter for a 16 year old. Things like this can pop up once your moved in together.

 

[minendo]

The wife and I lived together for ~2 years before getting engaged. Lived together almost 3 years before the wedding. Definitely recommend living together before marriage, but 6 months into a relationship my be too soon to do so. All depends on what stage of the relationship you guys are at.