I don't have time to explain the value of marriage, but here's a link to check out:
Living Together Before Marriage
And here's an easy to understand translation:
Livin' Togither Befo'e Marriage
Letter #1
Dear Dr. Harley,
In yer Augest 5, 1996 Q&A column on Honesty an' Openness (part 2) yo' wrote: "One other suggesshun: Don't live wif etch other befo'e yo' marry up wif. Eight-five percent of them who does end up divo'ced, cuss it all t' tarnation. Some day I'll write a Q&A column explainin' whuffo'."
I've been readin' th' info'mashun on yer web site an' jest recently brought home a copy of th' emoshunal needs quesshunnaire t'go on over wif mah (live-in) fellafriend, cuss it all t' tarnation. We have set aside time etch week t'discuss one quesshun on it at a time. We haf jest started this so we ain't gotten mighty far yet. We is lookin' at this hyar as preventative maintenance so we does not helter-skelter into problems in th' future. We haf been togither fo' 2 years but doesn't feel ready t'git married up wif yet. ah reckon these exercises may he'p us figger out whuffo' thet is.
So far, jest about ev'rythin' I've see makes a lot of sense, but now yo've got me wonnerin' whuffo' yo' feel varmints sh'd not live togither befo'e bein' married up wif. Is it 'some day' yet?
E.N.
Dear E.N.,
Th' number of unmarried up wif couples livin' togither has increased dramatically on over th' past few decades, an' ah speck thet it will corntinue t'increase. Th' rashunale is simple: "By livin' togither befo'e marriage, we'll knows how compatible we are." Presumably, eff'n a couple kin git along livin' in th' same apartment befo'e marriage, they will be able to git along wif etch other af'er marriage.
It's a temppin' argoomnt. Af'er all, a date tends t'be artificial, ah reckon. Etch varmint is "up" fo' th' occashun, an' they make an effo't t'have a fine time togither. But marriage is quite diffrunt fum datin'. In marriage, couples is togither when they're "down," too. W'dn't it make sense fo' a couple t'live togither fo' a spell, jest t'see how they reack to etch other's "down" times? Eff'n they discovah thet they kin't adjest when they live togither, they doesn't hafta hoof it through th' hassle of a divo'ce. Besides, ain't it easier to adjest when yo' doesn't feel trapped by marriage?
Th' problem wif them argoomnts is thet marriage changes ev'rythin'. Eff'n couples thet live togither reckon thet af'er marriage ev'rythin' will be th' same, they doesn't unnerstan' whut marriage does t'a couple, both positively an' negatively.
In mah experience an' in repo'ts I've read, th' chances of a divo'ce af'er livin' togither is huge, much higher than fo' couples who haf not lived togither prio' to marriage. Eff'n livin' togither were a tess of marital compatibility, th' statistics sh'd show opposite results -- couples livin' togither sh'd haf stronger marriages. But they doesn't. They haf weaker marriages.
To unnerstan' whuffo' this hyar is th' case, ah suggess thet yo' cornsider whuffo' couples who live togither doesn't marry up wif. Ask yo'seff thet mighty quesshun. Whuffo' did yo' choose t'live witcher fellafriend instead of marry up wifin' him?
Th' answer is thet yo' were not ready t'make thet commitment t'him yet. Fust, yo' wanted t'see eff'n yo' still loved him af'er yo' cooked meals togither, cleaned the apartment togither an' slepp togither. In other wo'ds, yo' wanted t'see whut married up wif life'd be like wifout th' commitment of marriage.
But whut yo' doesn't seem t'reckanize is thet yo' will nevah knows whut married up wif life is like unless yer married up wif. Th' commitment of marriage adds a dimenshun t'yer relashunship thet puts ev'rythin' on its ear. Right now, yer testin' etch other t'see if yer compatible. Eff'n eifer of yo' slips up, th' tess is on over, an' yer out th' dore. Marriage don't wawk thet way. Slip-ups doesn't ind th' marriage, they jest ind th' love yo' haf fo' etch other.
Whut in tarnation, exackly, is th' commitment of marriage? It is an agreement thet yo' will take care of etch other fo' life, regardless of life's ups an' downs. Yo' will stick it out togither through thick an' skimpy. But th' commitment of livin' togither ain't like thet at all, ah reckon. It is simply a month-to-month rental agreement. As long as yo' behave yo'seff an' keep me happy, I'll stick aroun'.
Habits is hard t'bust, an' couples thet live togither befo'e marriage git into the habit of follerin' their month-to-month rental agreement. In fack, they offen decide to marry up wif, not on account o' they is willin' t'make a lifetime commitment t'etch other, but on account o' th' arrangement has wawked out so fine thet they kin't imagine bustin' their lease, so t'speak. Shet mah mouth! They say th' wo'ds of th' marital agreement, but they still haf the terms of their rental agreement in mind, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Couples who haf not lived togither befo'e marriage, on t'other han', haf not lived unner th' terms of th' month-to-month rental agreement. They begin their relashunship assumin' thet they is in this hyar thin' fo' life, an' all their habits usually refleck thet commitment.
Th' Policy of Joint Agreement, fo' example, don't make much sense fo' a couple livin' togither prio' t'marriage. "Nevah does ennythin' wifout an inthusiastic agreement between yo' an' yer friend," it is thunk,'d not be a fair tess of yer compatibility. A better tess w'd be fo' etch of yo' t'do whutevah yo' please, an' then see eff'n yo' still git along, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells!
But a nooly married up wif couple makes a deliberate effo't t'accommodate etch other, on account o' they knows their relashunship will be fo' life. They be hankerin' t'build compatibility, not test it. So th' Policy of Joint Agreement makes all th' sense in th' wo'ld t'a couple who has set out t'live their lives togither.
It's true, thet a couple who lives togither kin foller th' Policy of Joint Agreement fum th' day they move in, as enny fool kin plainly see. They kin commit themselves t'etch other's happiness as eff'n they were married up wif. They kin on overcome Love Besters thet c'd destroy their love fo' etch other. But couples who live togither tend not t'do them thin's on account o' their month-to-month rental agreement does not deman' it. They lack motivashun t'put etch other fust in their lives on account o' they is testin' th' relashunship. They're not sho'nuff they be hankerin' etch other fo' life, an' so they is usually not willin' t'make th' all-out commitment thet the Policy of Joint Agreement deman's.
When a couple has lived togither wifout th' Policy of Joint Agreement, it's mighty difficult t'apply it once they is married up wif. Whut in tarnation they usually does is stay th' course. They figger thet their month-to-month agreement got them thet far, so whuffo' change it.
Marriage has a mighty positive effeck on a relashunship fo' them who haf not lived togither, on account o' they tend t'foller th' Policy of Joint Agreement wifout havin' evah heard of it. They knows thet they will be togither fo' life, so they make an effo't t'create a compatible lifestyle fum day one.
But marriage has a mighty negative effeck on them who haf been in th' habit of follerin' th' month-to-month agreement. Th' commitment of marriage is see as the "other guy's" commitment. Them who haf lived togither prio' t'marriage feel thet their own behavio' has passed th' test, an' enny further accommodashun sh'd be unnecessary. Wo'se yet, they reckon they doesn't need t'be on their bess behavio' on account o' their spouse cain't leave now thet they're married up wif.
Habits is hard t'bust, an' them who haf lived togither develop habits thet wawk only when they're not married up wif. Marriage ruins it all, ah reckon.
Now, ah's not suggestin' thet yo' an' yer fellafriend sh'd avoid marriage, but ah's warnin' yo' thet unless yo' bust outta th' habits thet come fum a month-to-month rental agreement, yer marriage will be a disaster.
Begin by follerin' mah Policy of Joint Agreement. It's not impostible t'foller when yo' care fo' etch other's feelin's an' put them fust in yer life. Yo' will create a lifestyle thet fits yo' both puffickly, an' yo'll wonner whuffo' yo' didn't marry up wif etch other to begin wif.
Livin' togither may prove compatibility fo' a moment in time, but it provides no evidence fo' yer happiness togither on over a lifetime. Th' only way yo' kin haf thet happiness an' compatibility is eff'n yo' agree t'take etch other's feelin's into account ev'ry time yo' make a decishun. An' thass whut varmints who marry up wif af'er not havin' lived togither is highly motivated t'do.