Moving out guiltiness

VinylxScratches

Golden Member
Feb 2, 2009
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I told my Mom that I'm moving out and she started crying and saying that she's a failed mother since her kid doesn't want to stay at home. There were other comments too that made me feel like crap. How do I avoid feeling so guilty? I'm going to be 25 soon and have a solid job and not much debt. How do you deal with aging parents? If I had to come home to help them I would in a heartbeat but I want a taste of the real world and being on my own....

My Dad still works and is capable, my Mom is sick and doesn't work anymore but is capable. I just feel like I'm abandoning them.
 

speg

Diamond Member
Apr 30, 2000
3,681
3
76
www.speg.com
Haha, I just turned 26 and just moved back home a few months ago. My mother wants me to leave soon, but I'm going to mooch it until I am ready to travel abroad for an extended period of time.

Why are you moving out? Take the free ride while you can!!!
 

VinylxScratches

Golden Member
Feb 2, 2009
1,666
0
0
Haha, I just turned 26 and just moved back home a few months ago. My mother wants me to leave soon, but I'm going to mooch it until I am ready to travel abroad for an extended period of time.

Why are you moving out? Take the free ride while you can!!!

The free ride will last until they are in their graves....
 

MJinZ

Diamond Member
Nov 4, 2009
8,192
0
0
I told my Mom that I'm moving out and she started crying and saying that she's a failed mother since her kid doesn't want to stay at home. There were other comments too that made me feel like crap. How do I avoid feeling so guilty? I'm going to be 25 soon and have a solid job and not much debt. How do you deal with aging parents? If I had to come home to help them I would in a heartbeat but I want a taste of the real world and being on my own....

My Dad still works and is capable, my Mom is sick and doesn't work anymore but is capable. I just feel like I'm abandoning them.

Fail.
 

JMapleton

Diamond Member
Nov 19, 2008
4,179
2
81
You have to talk to them and get them to realize you're an adult and they should be proud because you're moving out because it's the transition into adulthood....even if you're 25. Some people move out much later.
 

MJinZ

Diamond Member
Nov 4, 2009
8,192
0
0
Debt can mean many different things which aren't bad. Car loan, student loans, and many other stuff.

So pay them off. Unless you're flush with cash and you have no net debt (you could pay them off if you wanted to), then you might as well stay at home a little longer.
 

aplefka

Lifer
Feb 29, 2004
12,016
2
0
I've NEVER understood this. Only started running into it when I moved from Northern California to Southern California. I can't believe you've spent your entire adult life to this point at home. I feel like 18-20 are years when you should learn a lot about being independent and there's no way you can do that living at home.
 

MJinZ

Diamond Member
Nov 4, 2009
8,192
0
0
I've NEVER understood this. Only started running into it when I moved from Northern California to Southern California. I can't believe you've spent your entire adult life to this point at home. I feel like 18-20 are years when you should learn a lot about being independent and there's no way you can do that living at home.

18-20 is college.

Not at all independent.
 

Dumac

Diamond Member
Dec 31, 2005
9,391
1
0
People live with their parents past 18?

So pay them off. Unless you're flush with cash and you have no net debt (you could pay them off if you wanted to), then you might as well stay at home a little longer.

Wouldn't you feel guilty and helpless mooching off your parents so far into your adult life?
 

VinylxScratches

Golden Member
Feb 2, 2009
1,666
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That actually makes sense. Old world Polish? Were your parents born there? I think it is much more common to have children live with parents much longer in Europe and Asian. At least that is what I saw when I lived there.

Yes they were.

My Debt is my college loans which is 13,000 now. I have about 14,000 saved and will not pay it off in one swoop because I want safety money.
 

MJinZ

Diamond Member
Nov 4, 2009
8,192
0
0
People live with their parents past 18?



Wouldn't you feel guilty and helpless mooching off your parents so far into your adult life?

Who knows, I can't stand my parents, but even though I have my own place, they are going to be helping out and leaving me with shit I don't ask for (apartment, houses etc).

If I have kids, I would probably do the same thing.
 

AnonymouseUser

Diamond Member
May 14, 2003
9,943
107
106
I told my Mom that I'm moving out and she started crying and saying that she's a failed mother since her kid doesn't want to stay at home.

Parents should raise their children with the ability to survive in this world on their own, so if you can live on your own and without your parents assistance then your mother did not fail.
 

MJinZ

Diamond Member
Nov 4, 2009
8,192
0
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Yes they were.

My Debt is my college loans which is 13,000 now. I have about 14,000 saved and will not pay it off in one swoop because I want safety money.

Well that works, so get a studio apartment or something reasonable and explain to your parents that you need privacy at this point in your life for girls and friends without having to bother the parents.

Or like me - I told them directly. I love you guys, but I can't stand to live you. Maybe when you're old and there are grand kids. I'll still come home for a dinner x times a week. ^_^
 

MrPickins

Diamond Member
May 24, 2003
9,022
599
126
Parents should raise their children with the ability to survive in this world on their own, so if you can live on your own and without your parents assistance then your mother did not fail.

This.

The whole point of parenting is to raise self-sufficient children.
 

destrekor

Lifer
Nov 18, 2005
28,799
359
126
Parents should raise their children with the ability to survive in this world on their own, so if you can live on your own and without your parents assistance then your mother did not fail.

Yeah that's the tough thing for them.

The Polish heritage and culture is one of close community and pride.

Toledo has a large Polish population, and while I only have 12.5% Polish blood, it's the freshest heritage, but also the recent addition (great grandma was 100% polish blood, both her parents were born in Poland, she may have been born in the U.S., not sure) is also the only Polish I have, so that is interesting to me.

They have a close-family tradition, so my recommendation is even after moving out, make your parents proud by maintaining a stable life, but also nearby enough that regular visits are easy and common.
They'll come over often, and you'll want to do the same.

I'm going to want to do that with my folks, and for me it's not even the Polish thing, it's just the notion of family for me. Problem is, we're all going off in different directions, and I do feel a little sad that my parents are basically without their kin now. Sister is in Texas, and I'm away for school a few hours from my hometown. Still go home for break, and depending on the employment situation between graduation this year and a 4 month training block for my signal branch training in the Army next summer, I might or might not live at home with them just for stability reasons. Moving out, moving back in (not leaving all my stuff and paying for an apartment for 4 months without use), and moving out again sounds like hell.
And for employment I probably will live in Columbus or Cinci versus Toledo, better employment options. Will have to visit on occasion for sure if that's the case.
 

AnonymouseUser

Diamond Member
May 14, 2003
9,943
107
106
They have a close-family tradition, so my recommendation is even after moving out, make your parents proud by maintaining a stable life, but also nearby enough that regular visits are easy and common.
They'll come over often, and you'll want to do the same.

I can understand and respect that tradition, and I agree with your recommendation.
 

UnatcoAgent

Diamond Member
Oct 25, 1999
5,462
1
0
What the hell is wrong with people's parents? Who guilt trips their kid to stay home?? You need to get out there and experience the world... seems oddly selfish
 

destrekor

Lifer
Nov 18, 2005
28,799
359
126
What the hell is wrong with people's parents? Who guilt trips their kid to stay home?? You need to get out there and experience the world... seems oddly selfish

lol
You do the same.

I am all for young adults making their mark and leaving home, entering into the real phase of being a self-supporting adult.

However, I think you aren't seeing the facts of the world either. The majority of the world is either completely based on collectivist culture, or more in-between collectivist and individualistic.
The U.S. does oddly reign supreme in the individualistic culture world. Even other Western countries have more community-based cultures. We seem to strive for as little community as possible.

I won't ramble, but the strength of familial bonds are extremely strong in cultures that aren't as individualistic as the typical American culture.
 

Born2bwire

Diamond Member
Oct 28, 2005
9,840
6
71
Man, my mom would consider herself a failure as a parent if I lived at home until I was 25.
 

UnatcoAgent

Diamond Member
Oct 25, 1999
5,462
1
0
lol
You do the same.

I am all for young adults making their mark and leaving home, entering into the real phase of being a self-supporting adult.

However, I think you aren't seeing the facts of the world either. The majority of the world is either completely based on collectivist culture, or more in-between collectivist and individualistic.
The U.S. does oddly reign supreme in the individualistic culture world. Even other Western countries have more community-based cultures. We seem to strive for as little community as possible.

I won't ramble, but the strength of familial bonds are extremely strong in cultures that aren't as individualistic as the typical American culture.

I moved out when I was 18, one of the best decisions I ever made. The years I spent living by myself, while living close by to my family (and far at times) shaped me into who I am today. Who says you can't live away from home while still having strong family ties?
 
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