First and foremost I don't want anyone to mistake the reason I am posting this. I am posting this because I want to, not for pity, not for attention, but for myself, putting this all out there just in case my instincts are true (which they actually are and have been almost my entire life).
I have not had an easy life by any stretch of the imagination... born into an abusive household in a small town that did not understand or care to like or want me. The girl that liked playing with matchbox toys and sandboxes and all manner of electric and stuff, not much for dolls or anything, but also loving living animals.
I was not really accepted then... and that set the stage for me always being the outcast tomboy geek girl, to which I have always been.
I started having health problems around the time for puberty. Mostly it was back troubles, but there were also very serious problems with me being very tired all the time and sleeping / falling asleep in school. My father not believing in anything he couldn't see just took this opportunity to be even more hard on me. He didn't care that the teachers said that when I was able to be awake I was the brightest student they ever saw (the ones that didn't hate me for being left handed and a weird tomboy and punish me for such, that is)... I was misbehaving and had to be straightened out.
I eventually found out my mother had been being abused by him too, and we left together, but she did not hold together mentally, going into mental wards she was deemed unfit for her teenage daughter's care. I moved back in but got treated as a slave, not even allowed to be in the main house except when I was doing chores... a shack was built for me with an outhouse, no plumbing or water but I at least had power and heat, though it was a 1000 foot walk to the house in the forest and up a 50 foot bluff. I wasn't even allowed on family vacations...
One time I could not do what was required of me because I was "being lazy" (in great pain and unable to do anything) I was kicked out with nothing but an S10 pickup with a campershell and a few possessions stuffed inside. I could never really get on my feet because of several factors: my health was still giving me issues (even I thought I was just being lazy, I was brainwashed so badly by him), another being I have high functioning autism (which is very very close to asperger's), and there were other issues such as PTSD.
I drifted for quite some time, being taken advantage of by many people and never really able to get myself into a stable life nor stable job. You don't want to know the kinds of things that were done to me... I have blocked many of them out to this day.
Once I finally did get help to get on disability, after 8 years of transient living... and I have not been homeless since, though I have come very close several times due to the income levels of such being so low I have to room up with people and my HFA keeping me from understanding things. I did finally get some of my problems diagnosed and started to learn that I truly was ill and it wasn't just me being lazy. The entire time my health issues just kept getting worse, but I have always been a survivor. I just pushed through.
In 2003 I was diagnosed with MSA, and was told I had had it since 2000 when I had tried to go through college but suffered a sharp decline in my abilities, from biking to classes to a few months later being unable to do many things I had taken for granted... even though I had health problems before, this new problem which I had not understood was like being socked in the stomach and then beaten up every day... it really is a very nasty disorder that takes everything out of you, a little more each day.
I have been fighting it with everything I have, and enjoying what of life I could, and avoiding the people that would take advantage of me as much as possible, even though my functioning level of HFA is actually pretty dang low. For the curious, I had my IQ tested when in college, it was "above 170" which was as far as I bothered to test it... but like many with that level of intelligence, I also have the problems... You would think with that level of IQ I would be able to tell the intent of others, but not really. The only reason I am still alive is my instincts, I have learned to trust them, to trust what I feel I need to do, when my instincts warn me of something, I listen. This has literally saved my life on more than one occasion, including when I have had death threats against me when I lived in kansas.
Why would I have death threats against me? Here is one of the most difficult things there is for me to put on a public place, because I learned at an early age to hide it - the people that I told or found out have been the ones that want to harm me in so many ways... I was born intersexed. What this means, is that I was born with a mishmosh between male and female for a body. In the USA, anyone born like this is considered and is legally a male, nomatter how female they look or how female their mind/brain is. My father when I was born was told by the doctors to 'pick a sex' and then they mutilated my body to fit what he wanted in a child... not who I was, but what he wanted. I was treated as an object as children so often are. I was born with a body that was slightly male, but mostly female, as I have come to find out later... this is actually a large reason I have so many health issues - it's common for intersexed people to have major health issues. I was mutilated at birth by doctors who decided to assign a sex to me. I was not born male, but the entire world considers me one, nomatter what my heart and mind and indeed my health problems and body tell me inside.
This is something many people will not accept, and to this day the only thing I can think of besides hate for anything different is fear... fear of things they do not understand or know about. I tried to live as a male, I swear I tried, but the emotional trauma of it all just kept slamming me harder and harder, just like the health problems did. I no longer could take it... I had to live as who I truly always was, as who I was born as. But this country looks down on what they call transsexuals, even if I myself am not truly one, I have been branded as one because of what that doctor did to me right after I was born. Besides the heartwrenching pain of knowing how I am and was an object to be mutilated and trained into what others wanted, I have to deal with people that think and say that I am some kind of terrible being because of how I was born and what was done to me afterward. I also had to and still have to deal with the pain of knowing I can never bear children, I am one of the many unfortunate women who does not have the capability to give birth. This has been... one of the biggest hurts of it all. Even my birth name has become very traumatic for me to even see or hear.
Now the last few months, I have been losing the battle against MSA. I have felt myself get weaker and sicker, and have been unable to even pee without severe pain and bleeding and shaking so hard I almost fall down and having to lay down for a few hours after every attempt of trying to... and having to be almost entirely housebound because even on my good days I have not been able to get out more than an hour even with my roommate taking care of me and pushing me in a wheelchair wherever I need to go along with driving me places. I have been losing more and more cohesive thinking abilities, getting memories and thoughts mixed up so bad that I ask things that merely moments earlier I witnessed before.
All in all, I am proud to have lasted this long, not only to have survived abuse through my entire life, but homelessness and being unable to hold a job or support myself, even through that I got my own high school diploma even while living out of a pickup truck and being beaten on every week or so in high school because I was so different. I am proud of myself for having become an extremely knowledgeable PC tech and having beaten the odds of MSA (20% of people live through their tenth year of having it, I am at year 12 right now). I am still not in a nursing home, though I cannot do much that I like to do anymore and even typing this has been incredibly difficult and painful for me. This body is beginning to truly fall apart and though I would never, ever have said or even thought such a thing before, I can feel the end coming.
I so look forward to my next life, and so hope it will not be as painful as this one. If the response to this is positive and not painful for me, I will explain my spiritual beliefs in a following post, they are quite unique and some will find them fascinating and maybe even inspiring.
~Jaqie Fox, She who loves knowledge and life-love.
I have not had an easy life by any stretch of the imagination... born into an abusive household in a small town that did not understand or care to like or want me. The girl that liked playing with matchbox toys and sandboxes and all manner of electric and stuff, not much for dolls or anything, but also loving living animals.
I was not really accepted then... and that set the stage for me always being the outcast tomboy geek girl, to which I have always been.
I started having health problems around the time for puberty. Mostly it was back troubles, but there were also very serious problems with me being very tired all the time and sleeping / falling asleep in school. My father not believing in anything he couldn't see just took this opportunity to be even more hard on me. He didn't care that the teachers said that when I was able to be awake I was the brightest student they ever saw (the ones that didn't hate me for being left handed and a weird tomboy and punish me for such, that is)... I was misbehaving and had to be straightened out.
I eventually found out my mother had been being abused by him too, and we left together, but she did not hold together mentally, going into mental wards she was deemed unfit for her teenage daughter's care. I moved back in but got treated as a slave, not even allowed to be in the main house except when I was doing chores... a shack was built for me with an outhouse, no plumbing or water but I at least had power and heat, though it was a 1000 foot walk to the house in the forest and up a 50 foot bluff. I wasn't even allowed on family vacations...
One time I could not do what was required of me because I was "being lazy" (in great pain and unable to do anything) I was kicked out with nothing but an S10 pickup with a campershell and a few possessions stuffed inside. I could never really get on my feet because of several factors: my health was still giving me issues (even I thought I was just being lazy, I was brainwashed so badly by him), another being I have high functioning autism (which is very very close to asperger's), and there were other issues such as PTSD.
I drifted for quite some time, being taken advantage of by many people and never really able to get myself into a stable life nor stable job. You don't want to know the kinds of things that were done to me... I have blocked many of them out to this day.
Once I finally did get help to get on disability, after 8 years of transient living... and I have not been homeless since, though I have come very close several times due to the income levels of such being so low I have to room up with people and my HFA keeping me from understanding things. I did finally get some of my problems diagnosed and started to learn that I truly was ill and it wasn't just me being lazy. The entire time my health issues just kept getting worse, but I have always been a survivor. I just pushed through.
In 2003 I was diagnosed with MSA, and was told I had had it since 2000 when I had tried to go through college but suffered a sharp decline in my abilities, from biking to classes to a few months later being unable to do many things I had taken for granted... even though I had health problems before, this new problem which I had not understood was like being socked in the stomach and then beaten up every day... it really is a very nasty disorder that takes everything out of you, a little more each day.
I have been fighting it with everything I have, and enjoying what of life I could, and avoiding the people that would take advantage of me as much as possible, even though my functioning level of HFA is actually pretty dang low. For the curious, I had my IQ tested when in college, it was "above 170" which was as far as I bothered to test it... but like many with that level of intelligence, I also have the problems... You would think with that level of IQ I would be able to tell the intent of others, but not really. The only reason I am still alive is my instincts, I have learned to trust them, to trust what I feel I need to do, when my instincts warn me of something, I listen. This has literally saved my life on more than one occasion, including when I have had death threats against me when I lived in kansas.
Why would I have death threats against me? Here is one of the most difficult things there is for me to put on a public place, because I learned at an early age to hide it - the people that I told or found out have been the ones that want to harm me in so many ways... I was born intersexed. What this means, is that I was born with a mishmosh between male and female for a body. In the USA, anyone born like this is considered and is legally a male, nomatter how female they look or how female their mind/brain is. My father when I was born was told by the doctors to 'pick a sex' and then they mutilated my body to fit what he wanted in a child... not who I was, but what he wanted. I was treated as an object as children so often are. I was born with a body that was slightly male, but mostly female, as I have come to find out later... this is actually a large reason I have so many health issues - it's common for intersexed people to have major health issues. I was mutilated at birth by doctors who decided to assign a sex to me. I was not born male, but the entire world considers me one, nomatter what my heart and mind and indeed my health problems and body tell me inside.
This is something many people will not accept, and to this day the only thing I can think of besides hate for anything different is fear... fear of things they do not understand or know about. I tried to live as a male, I swear I tried, but the emotional trauma of it all just kept slamming me harder and harder, just like the health problems did. I no longer could take it... I had to live as who I truly always was, as who I was born as. But this country looks down on what they call transsexuals, even if I myself am not truly one, I have been branded as one because of what that doctor did to me right after I was born. Besides the heartwrenching pain of knowing how I am and was an object to be mutilated and trained into what others wanted, I have to deal with people that think and say that I am some kind of terrible being because of how I was born and what was done to me afterward. I also had to and still have to deal with the pain of knowing I can never bear children, I am one of the many unfortunate women who does not have the capability to give birth. This has been... one of the biggest hurts of it all. Even my birth name has become very traumatic for me to even see or hear.
Now the last few months, I have been losing the battle against MSA. I have felt myself get weaker and sicker, and have been unable to even pee without severe pain and bleeding and shaking so hard I almost fall down and having to lay down for a few hours after every attempt of trying to... and having to be almost entirely housebound because even on my good days I have not been able to get out more than an hour even with my roommate taking care of me and pushing me in a wheelchair wherever I need to go along with driving me places. I have been losing more and more cohesive thinking abilities, getting memories and thoughts mixed up so bad that I ask things that merely moments earlier I witnessed before.
All in all, I am proud to have lasted this long, not only to have survived abuse through my entire life, but homelessness and being unable to hold a job or support myself, even through that I got my own high school diploma even while living out of a pickup truck and being beaten on every week or so in high school because I was so different. I am proud of myself for having become an extremely knowledgeable PC tech and having beaten the odds of MSA (20% of people live through their tenth year of having it, I am at year 12 right now). I am still not in a nursing home, though I cannot do much that I like to do anymore and even typing this has been incredibly difficult and painful for me. This body is beginning to truly fall apart and though I would never, ever have said or even thought such a thing before, I can feel the end coming.
I so look forward to my next life, and so hope it will not be as painful as this one. If the response to this is positive and not painful for me, I will explain my spiritual beliefs in a following post, they are quite unique and some will find them fascinating and maybe even inspiring.
~Jaqie Fox, She who loves knowledge and life-love.