My brother caught his wife! Update...

[Gooberlx2]

Without reading all the replies:

Yeah I'd be pissed, but after I calmed down and actually thought about it I'd take it as a hint that I need to either spice things up in the sac, or be more attentive overall, or both. Maybe she's just wants to try new things and perhaps he ought to try to be involved, so long as they're both still comfortable with whatever they try.

It might be shocking the first time, but it's not something he should lose his head over.

 

[TheVrolok]

Did she physically cheat? No. Did she mentally cheat? Yes. But are I'm sure the husband has fantasized about other women as well, which is also mental cheating if you wanna stretch it like that. I view her actions as a form of cheating yes, just the same way if a man were to go to a strip club and have interactions with the women he would be cheating as well.

 

[FrustratedUser]

Originally posted by: Kiyup

Originally posted by: RishiS
She was camping?

WTH is camming?

Cybering with a webcam.

URL?

 

[MainFramed]

Originally posted by: Kiyup

Originally posted by: RishiS
She was camping?

WTH is camming?

Cybering with a webcam.

:Q

 

The lock the PC/get rid of internet access is the most ridiculous suggestion I have seen in ages. Hello!!! We aren't dealing with a kid here. And what makes you think that cutting off the internet wouldn't provoke someone to do it more or actually go out in person and find the pleasure? We aren't dealing with kids here. She can find a man who's got money and will help her with internet access or she can get a part-time job, get internet access and use the rest of the time "camming" with another man.

Doing stuff like locking the PC/cutting off internet access doesn't heal the wound. It disguises it. And frankly, everything would get worse, as he could hardly ever trust her again if he did that. Why stay married then?

As I said, he should try to pay more attention to her in matters of marriage and spicing up the relationship. But if nothing seems to work and they have no kids in the relationship, then maybe it's time to end it.

"That has nothing to do with the original topic, so saying that this is a double standard implies that it's acceptable for married men to frequent strip joints."

Okay, BatmanNate, check this out: Yes, it does imply that it is what is accepted by men, but women very much reluctantly accept it. As much as I'm proud of you and other men who don't engage in that crap, the reality is there are more disrespectful (in my view) men like that. We had a discussion on that subject long time ago at this forum. People were all over an individual who held the view that it was disrespectful. They said it was "judging" and thought that visiting strippers should be a man's way of life. Frankly, my domain of discussion here is American men, as Europeans pretty much have seen too much of porno to feel affected or emotionally attached. . . . Basically, I salute you, but perhaps you can see the root of my argument.

And I should add that I can see that you feel very passionate about this subject. You sure don't give in when it comes to this sort of discussion. You're a good arguer. If you weren't married, I would grab you real fast. Did that just offend you? :Q

 

[psianime]

Gross...

 

[Dragnov]

Originally posted by: SherEPunjab

Originally posted by: Gr1mL0cK
If she honestly didn't think anything was wrong with it and she wasn't cheating, then why was she hiding it in the first place?

No, I would not trust/forgive her.

There is a difference between doing something wrong and cheating. Big difference. I have friends who smoke but don't tell their wives this. They hide this from them, are they being unfaithful? The guy has two options:

a) he lets this ruin their relationship. i dont' know if they have children or not, or how long they have been together, but he can take this and use it to really screw up the relationship, but, keep it going.
b) he uses this to break the relationship. divorce.
c) he puts her on lockdown (i.e. no internet, etc.) throws the camera out of the house, and slowly starts getting over it, after a firm commitment from her to never do it again.

Those are the choices he has. Is it worth throwing a way a perhaps otherwise good marriage? thats up to him to decide. was the marriage already rocky, and this the last straw? again up to him. But, if it were me, and it was a good marriage, other than this incident, i'd do option C above. It would be foolish in my view to make this the one and final thing that leads to a divorce. A divorce has bad stigma in society, and if theyhave kids it makes it 1000 times worse. he may become depressed/angry, it may affect his business, there are so many factors to this.

Theres also a difference between smoking and actually exposing yourself and pleasuring yourself to another person. It's like this... how would you like it if your GF/Wife became a stripper behind your back? Essentially its the same thing... I guess the only difference is that she isn't getting money for it...

Every guy fantasizes (sp?) yes. But none of us actually go around finding live strangers to pleasure ourselves in front of.

First, shes not upfront and honest to talk about whatever issues are going on.
Second, she decides to do something behind her husbands back.
Third, she claims theres nothing wrong with that.

So again, no... personally I wouldn't be able to trust that person... especially if they do that during marriage.

 

"Theres also a difference between smoking and actually exposing yourself and pleasuring yourself to another person. It's like this... how would you like it if your GF/Wife became a stripper behind your back? Essentially its the same thing... I guess the only difference is that she isn't getting money for it"


I agree, Gr1ml0ck. I too thought that Sherpunjabi's analogy was weak.

I think I couldn't compose my thoughts in the best descriptive manner. So, I'll make an effort to now: Was what she did morally wrong? Yes. Regardless of his conducts, two wrongs don't make a right. However, if he's done something similar in the past, he has no rights to jump on her case.

That said, the fact that she responded with "well, it really wasn't cheating; and I have no intent to ever meet someone" does suggest that she's just a slut; or to say it kindly, she's one who prefers to be liberated in sexual matters. It seems she made no effort to say, well, I know this is wrong, but I couldn't find a way to convey to you my desperation and feeling of neglection. However, it is good to give her the benefit of doubt. She may not understand why she does what she does after all.

The best remedy for now is, he should sit down with her this time to talk about remedying the situation. Ask her why she did what she did. Don't argue with her about her reasoning. Ask her what she wants in the relationship they two have as a married couple. Ask her if she feels neglected in any way. Ask her if there's something she wished to say but never got to say it. Basically, a nice one on one conversation. Then go from there with trying to improve things. Her responses would give an idea what's really going on in her mind. Avoid being hostile toward her, as she would be inclined to hide her true feelings if he is hostile toward her. And don't talk like a victim, as that could provoke her to "feel sorry for him"; therefore sorry for all she did. The problem is, it would be difficult to gauge her true feelings when that happens.

I hope your brother can remain in good terms with her, even if things don't go as planned maritally. You have described her as a nice lady who's been good to your family. Don't end that feeling.

 

[Howard]

I know a girl who lets her BF go to strip clubs because she understands that men have to release... She approves.

 

[sandorski]

Originally posted by: Electric Amish

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
her computer has to go ! maybe a few sessions with a counselor would be in order?

How is this any different from a man whacking it to a skin mag or a porno??

amish

Yup, pretty much the same.

 

[MichaelD]

Originally posted by: dabuddha
that's just messed up dude.
i don't think i could trust her if my wife ever did that.
its just as bad as actual cheating because the trust is broking

IMO it's not as bad as cheating..but it's the step right before it. Sooner or later telemasturbation gets old...and you want the real thing.
Also, any geek worth his salt can trace a direct webcam to an IP....that dude might show up at the door. She was probably just "getting off" but the dude would want and search for the real thing. :Q Dangerous, to say the least.

There definitely needs to be a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong talk about this. <--every man's worst nightmare; the "long talk."

 

[Dragnov]

Originally posted by: sandorski

Originally posted by: Electric Amish

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
her computer has to go ! maybe a few sessions with a counselor would be in order?

How is this any different from a man whacking it to a skin mag or a porno??

amish

Yup, pretty much the same.

Exactly how? Do you masturbate in front of people? You must be the roomate that got caught.

 

[rgwalt]

Originally posted by: Isla
What's the difference between her doing that and married guys looking at porn? Or married guys going to strip clubs?

If he doesn't look at porn or go to strip clubs, then he has a right to be upset. But if he gets his jollies checking out other nekkid chicks...

Porn and strip clubs are fundamentally different than this situation. Porn doesn't talk back. Girls at strip clubs do, but they don't get the same sort of satisfaction or intimate feelings as they are getting paid. She was getting it for free from another guy over the net. Now, she has to ask herself "If I caught my husband doing the same thing, how would I feel?".

Personally, I would give her another chance, but that type of behavior would have to stop. If she couldn't live with that, then the marriage wouldn't last anyway.

Ryan

 

[T2T III]

Has anyone contacted Jerry Springer? I don't mean to sound insensitive, but your brother has two choices:

1) Dump her because if his trust was broken, it will be hard to regain.

2) Accept what he witnessed. See if his wife will agree to some joint counseling. Obviously something was missing from their relationship which prompted her to hit the 'Net with the Web cam.

 

[Yeeny]

Ok, my take on this is simple. It is between her and her husband, no one else, as Geekbabe and Isla have said before. Those of you judging, get off your pedestals, its a long way down, and you could get a nasty bruise when you fall. No one is perfect, we all do stupid/bad/wrong things in our lives, and just because you haven't done this one, doesn't mean you won't do something else that will cause someone just as much pain in their lives.

And for those attacking EA about his marriage, lay off. It may not be for you, but who the heck are any of you to tell him how to live his life? If his wife is happy with it, he is happy with it, then the rest of your views don't mean squat. Love doesn't come in just one size to fit all, it can stretch to bounds beyond your wildest imagination. Would I have a marriage like that? Hell no! But does that mean the whole world should live their lives like I want mine? Be a pretty boring place if they did, don't you think?

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: Beast1284

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
her computer has to go ! maybe a few sessions with a counselor would be in order?

What's a counselor going to do? Besides take your money of course.

Help this couple explore why this woman set up a web cam to cyber with a stranger instead of setting up a web cam to give hubby a treat that would probably have spiced things up right nice at home

 

[Feebes]

Any serious relationship is about trust. If they werent supposed to do that kind of thing than the trust is broken.....and that's killer....and from the sound of it, she shouldnt have been doing that kind of thing. That's screwed up......a wife breaking her husbands trust.

 

[PistachioByAzul]

Would you brother cheat if he had the chance?

 

"Porn and strip clubs are fundamentally different than this situation. Porn doesn't talk back. Girls at strip clubs do, but they don't get the same sort of satisfaction or intimate feelings as they are getting paid. She was getting it for free from another guy over the net. Now, she has to ask herself 'If I caught my husband doing the same thing, how would I feel?'."

Oh Lord! I've been avoiding this argument, but it's starting to get to me. See, one can make the argument about porn on magazine. Nevertheless, strip clubs simply can be sugarcoated as you want, but it amounts to the same thing. If there were not more than one cases of men who hook up with strippers or actually get to make advances, it would be a different discussion. But the reality is, getting a stripper is not a hard thing to achieve with all of the physicality involved. All he need does is transform into a confident, reasonably financed, and smooth-talking guy. I know stripping is a job; they have job ethics, blah, blah, blah. But the reality is, it also is an easy industry for such so-called ethics to be violated.

And I should add that Electric Amish's view about sex seems to reflect the view of most men, even those who deny it: Sex and love are mutually exclusive in the men's world. Don't get me wrong: There are men who try to connect with the feminine side and actually appreciate sex as a compliment of love, but many men do not view things this way.

Edit: I see absolutely nothing wrong with judging. Judging is human nature and a necessity for survival. I just think that one's judgement should be a well-informed one. And you better live a consistent life if you're going to cast the stone. . . .

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: luvly
"Porn and strip clubs are fundamentally different than this situation. Porn doesn't talk back. Girls at strip clubs do, but they don't get the same sort of satisfaction or intimate feelings as they are getting paid. She was getting it for free from another guy over the net. Now, she has to ask herself 'If I caught my husband doing the same thing, how would I feel?'."

Oh Lord! I've been avoiding this argument, but it's starting to get to me. See, one can make the argument about porn on magazine. Nevertheless, strip clubs simply can be sugarcoated as you want, but it amounts to the same thing. If there were not more than one cases of men who hook up with strippers or actually get to make advances, it would be a different discussion. But the reality is, getting a stripper is not a hard thing to achieve with all of the physicality involved. All he need does is transform into a confident, reasonably financed, and smooth-talking guy. I know stripping is a job; they have job ethics, blah, blah, blah. But the reality is, it also is an easy industry for such so-called ethics to be violated.

And I should add that Electric Amish's view about sex seems to reflect the view of most men, even those who deny it: Sex and love are mutually exclusive in the men's world. Don't get me wrong: There are men who try to connect with the feminine side and actually appreciate sex as a compliment of love, but many men do not view things this way.

Edit: I see absolutely nothing wrong with judging. Judging is human nature and a necessity for survival. I just think that one's judgement should be a well-informed one.

Just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't read the menu.That said I think the biggest worry in this case is that this woman went to the trouble of setting up a web cam and finding some real,live breathing person to interact with instead of taking the damn plunge and talking stuff out with her husband.

As far as skin mags and the like, smart couples can use that stuff to keep fires burning at home instead of as some shameful activity that gets hidden and never talked about.Yeah,men like to look,so what ? Use it to the homecourt advantage

 

[CraigRT]

Originally posted by: Kiyup

Originally posted by: RishiS
She was camping?

WTH is camming?

Cybering with a webcam.

OMG that is so retarded.

"cybering" is the dumbest thing evAr. unless of course you have no way of actually getting to see your S.O. in person. not with just some random person. it needs to be a last resort for a couple. --> IMHO.

 

[Grasshopper27]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

Just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't read the menu.That said I think the biggest worry in this case is that this woman went to the trouble of setting up a web cam and finding some real,live breathing person to interact with instead of taking the damn plunge and talking stuff out with her husband.

As far as skin mags and the like, smart couples can use that stuff to keep fires burning at home instead of as some shameful activity that gets hidden and never talked about.Yeah,men like to look,so what ? Use it to the homecourt advantage

As usual, GeekBabe hit the nail right on the head...

Skin mags personally are boring to me, I need more of a story to get involved. That is why most p0rn is such comedy, the plots are absurd. That being said, if you want the good p0rn, you need to find the stuff made for couples/women, it tends to have far better production values and storylines than the generic stuff.

I'm gonna look at attractive women as long as I live, but I'll never touch one and I'll always come home to Thumper. For what it's worth, if she chooses to look at other men for their looks, more power to her, so long as she comes home to me.

Grasshopper

 

[mrlayance]

Originally posted by: Yield

Originally posted by: Kiyup

Originally posted by: RishiS
She was camping?

WTH is camming?

Cybering with a webcam.

OMG that is so retarded.

"cybering" is the dumbest thing evAr. unless of course you have no way of actually getting to see your S.O. in person. not with just some random person. it needs to be a last resort for a couple. --> IMHO.

I agree
This has just been taken to the next level. It is basically phone sex with a live image.
It is wrong, going to the strip club is wrong, If you think this is ok then you are sadly wrong!

 

[ragazzo]

tell your bro to get even and be certain that his wife will catch him in the act. plain and simple.

 

[FrancesBeansRevenge]

The actual 'act' is no big deal. If my wife told me she had interest in doing this my reponse would be 'Only if I can watch'

The 'bad' part comes with the fact that she was doing it and trying to hide it. She isn't trustworthy.