Need a bit of advice here...

[CptFarlow]

Greetings,

There might be a better forum to post this on, but I have always enjoyed talking to people on Anandtech, so I'll try it out here first.

I recently moved back home with my parents because of financial difficulties, and after being away for a while, I'm getting to see again how much my parents really aren't happy together. Now, my mother, who is 58, has been quite upset lately. Usually it's about little things. The clothes basket not taken downstairs, trash not taken out, etc. Scolding my father or I about it is one thing, but going into a fit of rage is another. I am a very peaceful person (Read: Taoist) and I have tried to calm her down to no effect.

My father told me last night that twice this year, my mother had two minor strokes. One in January and one in June/July area. I have done some minor research and believe it is most likely an Ischemic stroke that affected the cerebral cortex. Now, I'm no doctor so I realize it is an internet diagnosis, and treat it as such. He explained to me that the strokes have affected her mood and behavior since then.

About 30 minutes ago, I confronted my mother about it and asked why she has refused to see a doctor, and she is denying that she even had the strokes! I guess this shouldn't come as a surprise, denial is a common part of many illnesses.

My main question: Since she refuses to get treatment on her own, what can I do? I know it is her choice, but what if she has a stroke while driving? Is there a way I can force her to see a doctor?

On a related side note, she also just revealed to me that in her living will, she named my younger sister as the person to make medical decisions about her. She said she wouldn't name my father because "he just can't wait until she is dead" and wouldn't name me because I'm a Taoist and therefore I would "just let her die." Neither are true. My father does care about her, but after so many years of marriage, there is only so much her can do...

My point is, she seems to feel that nobody cares about her, so she wants to die. Okay, I think that covers everything...thanks for any help ahead of time...

 

[onlyCOpunk]

Well it doesn't sound like there really is anything you can do. Medical conditions are like an addiction where an intervention can be made, but that's also worth a shot.

I suppose your best option is to just continue showing her you care and with hope she will come around. Does she do any outside of the house activities? Maybe get her to some Yoga classes. Try doing things one on one with her. Maybe some sort of activity where you both have to rely on each other to show her that she can't do everything on her own.

 

[SludgeFactory]

She needs to go to a doctor. I'm not sure legally what you can do to make her go. Get your younger sister involved now, since she appears to be the only one your mom trusts. Obviously, if she has any other type of episode or stroke-like symptoms (weakness, numbness, loss of balance, impaired speech/vision, etc.) it is a medical emergency and you must call 911 or get her to the ER.

The things you describe are alarming. No you can't diagnose it yourself, but you and your dad know what he's seen, and him relating that history to the physician would be very important. People also have TIA's (transient ischemic attacks), where they have temporary stroke symptoms for a matter of minutes. They're predictors of future stroke.

The big concern is that a major, debilitating or life-threatening stroke could be right around the corner if she does indeed have some type of blockage.

 

[TehMac]

You should talk to your sister, explain to your sister. Regardless of your Taoist beliefs, there's nothing that prohibits using forethought. You're not just saving your mother, but you're preventing a possible accident. Maybe you should become an evangelical if you feel like your religion is holding you back from helping your mum, and another driver.

 

[Confusednewbie1552]

Keep showing your mom that you and your dad care about her and thats why you want to take her to a doctor. Hopefully she'll eventually trust you and your dad and go to a doctor and have a better life. I hope this helps.

 

[CptFarlow]

I want to thank all of you for your kind advice. It does help. I figured the best thing to do would be just to reassure her that I do care. My religious beliefs, or lack thereof, shouldn't have anything to do with this, but for some reason she has a misunderstood view of my way of life...

I'm going to talk to my sister, and chances are she doesn't know about this yet. She's been off to college across the US...so it'll be interesting to see how she deals with this when she comes home for Xmas.

Again, thank you very much. I'll keep ya posted...

 

[CptFarlow]

To reply to your question...no, she doesn't do anything out of the house, except work. She is a substitute teacher, but other than that she does nothing except house duties. My mother doesn't really have any friends and we never get visitors...so she is happy to have me home so she isn't so lonely...

I'm gonna see what kinda options I have to get her out of the house to do something together. Something other than shopping.:roll:

 

[skace]

Originally posted by: CptFarlow
I recently moved back home with my parents because of financial difficulties, and after being away for a while, I'm getting to see again how much my parents really aren't happy together. Now, my mother, who is 58, has been quite upset lately. Usually it's about little things. The clothes basket not taken downstairs, trash not taken out, etc. Scolding my father or I about it is one thing, but going into a fit of rage is another. I am a very peaceful person (Read: Taoist) and I have tried to calm her down to no effect.

You call these "little things" but remember, what is little to you, may be big to someone else. Perhaps these are just examples of the things you 2 do. Are you slobs? Does she clean up dishes after you, vacuum up after you, etc?

If you want your mom to take your advice and see a doctor, first prove to her that you really care. Eliminate all the things she chases after on a daily basis, give her a week with some peace of mind and maybe you can open her up to getting her issues looked at by a doctor.

 

[CptFarlow]

Originally posted by: skace

Originally posted by: CptFarlow
I recently moved back home with my parents because of financial difficulties, and after being away for a while, I'm getting to see again how much my parents really aren't happy together. Now, my mother, who is 58, has been quite upset lately. Usually it's about little things. The clothes basket not taken downstairs, trash not taken out, etc. Scolding my father or I about it is one thing, but going into a fit of rage is another. I am a very peaceful person (Read: Taoist) and I have tried to calm her down to no effect.

You call these "little things" but remember, what is little to you, may be big to someone else. Perhaps these are just examples of the things you 2 do. Are you slobs? Does she clean up dishes after you, vacuum up after you, etc?

If you want your mom to take your advice and see a doctor, first prove to her that you really care. Eliminate all the things she chases after on a daily basis, give her a week with some peace of mind and maybe you can open her up to getting her issues looked at by a doctor.

While you may be right about "little things" bothering other's such as my mother more, I honestly don't think that my mother will ever be truly happy. She complains of not having "nice things" when she is surrounded by great possessions. She has a pewter collection that is the largest I have ever seen. Yet she always needs something new. Anyways, I gotta get back to the topic at hand.

No, my father and I and most certainly not "slobs" by any standard. We clean up after ourselves, I do my own dishes, and even cook dinner every night now that I am home. My mother has had a huge break in the usual chores in quite a while. I sincerely believe she finds something to be upset about. It's all a matter of opinion. My mother would have me vacuum the carpet everyday while I wouldn't bother twice a week. To me, it's just the usual gripes between a man and a woman.

 

[CptFarlow]

UPDATE

My mother came home tonight and had some groceries. I helped her bring them in and went to watch some TV. I had thought she went outside to the garage to argue with my father some more for the "little things" I have recently referred to. After not hearing any noise I got curious and went into the kitchen to find my mother on the floor in the fetal position. I ran over and tried to rouse her, and she was obviously disoriented. "What? Where am I? Huh?"

I told her that I was grab my father, and then she started yelling, "No! Keep him away from me!" and repeated it a few times. (To clarify, my father would never hurt my mother, I know that for a fact, so please do not misconstrue her exclamation there. She was just furious at him for not getting stuff done around the house.) I got her up and over to the couch, and started to try to figure out what happened. She first said she slipped on some water on the floor. The floor was completely dry. She then said her shoes were worn. They were barely a month old and the soles were still in great condition, with plenty of traction. Then she said she decided to fall asleep on the floor.

It's obvious that she passed out, and I'm worried it could have been for quite a while. I got her to agree to let me take her to a doctor, so I am going to call some tomorrow.

Any input?

 

[GenHoth]

Take her to a doctor, hope she is doing well. What do you want to know? That you're going to be referred for a scan and a neurologist? Let us know what the docs say.