Need a clean joke

[dirtboy]

Why do you need a joke to make your speech go over better?

 

[andy04]

Joe Schmoe got the axe at his firm and had to find a new job.

He starts his job search early, setting his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 am.

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was brewing, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).

He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE), and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO), to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (MADE IN SWITERLAND), to the radio (MADE IN JAPAN), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY), and began his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while.

He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE), and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

 

[EMPshockwave82]

Originally posted by: dirtboy
Why do you need a joke to make your speech go over better?

Originally posted by: FDF12389
I don't need a joke for a speech, the speech is the joke. Our first assignment is to tell a joke.

 

[EMPshockwave82]

Originally posted by: andy04
Joe Schmoe got the axe at his firm and had to find a new job.

He starts his job search early, setting his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 am.

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was brewing, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).

He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE), and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO), to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (MADE IN SWITERLAND), to the radio (MADE IN JAPAN), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY), and began his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while.

He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE), and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

Somebody got outsourced

 

[grrl]

Originally posted by: Ocguy31
So these two girls find a cup........

LOL

 

[Demon-Xanth]

A woman goes into a pet store and sees a parrot, the store keeper tells her that it's a good parrot, but it used to be in a burlesque house. She decides takes it home with her.

After getting home, she sets the parrot in a cage and the parrot looks around and says "New house."

She tells the parrot, you're going to be living with me now. And to that the parrot says. "New house, new madam."

She's a bit struck, but is okay with it. Her daughters walk into the room and as they do the parrot says. "New house, new madam, new girls."

Again, she is surprised, but thinks that she can get the bird to learn to be more polite. Just then her husband walks in and the parrot says

..
..
..

"Hi John!"

 

[her209]

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel lightly), the limo driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "but would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, so I'd like to do the driving today."
"I'm sorry, but I cannot let you do that -- I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never come in to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 MPH.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the limo driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches. The cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on his radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him!" said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean REALLY important!" said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," says the Chief, "then who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "Now what in the hell makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver."

===============================

A woman walks into her doctor?s office and says ?Doctor, I have this terrible rash.? She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large ?M? shaped rash. The doctor replies, ?Now that is the strangest rash I?ve ever seen.? The woman explains, ?Well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love.? The doctor shrugs her shoulders, prescribes some lotion and sends the woman on her way.
The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash. ?How did you get that?? the doctor asks. ?My boyfriend goes to MIT and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love,? she says. The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way.
The third day another young woman comes into the doctor?s office and she too has a big rash in the shape of an ?M? on her chest. ?Let me guess,? the doctor says. ?Your boyfriend goes to Maryland?? ?No,? the patient replies, ?My girlfriend goes to Wellesley.?

 

[glenn beck]

"Listen: Stop right there, man. A man goes into a restaurant. You listenin'? A man goes into a restaurant, and he sits down, he's having a bowl of soup and he says to the waiter, waiter come taste the soup. Waiter says: Is something wrong with the soup? He says: Taste the soup. He says: Is there something wrong
with the soup? Is the soup too hot? He says: Will you taste the soup? What's wrong, is the soup too cold? Will you just taste the soup?! Allright, I'll taste the soup - where's the spoon?? Aha. Aha! ...
Whadaya know from funny, you bastards?"

 

[Scarpozzi]

Just don't tell them you're going to start with a joke. I once said, "I'm going to begin my speech with a blonde joke..." A blonde in the back said, "Hey!!! I'm blonde!!!" I replied, "Ok...I'll tell it slow."

 

[FDF12389]

Originally posted by: Scarpozzi
Just don't tell them you're going to start with a joke. I once said, "I'm going to begin my speech with a blonde joke..." A blonde in the back said, "Hey!!! I'm blonde!!!" I replied, "Ok...I'll tell it slow."

Originally posted by: EMPshockwave82

Originally posted by: dirtboy
Why do you need a joke to make your speech go over better?

Originally posted by: FDF12389
I don't need a joke for a speech, the speech is the joke. Our first assignment is to tell a joke.

 

[FDF12389]

Originally posted by: JDMnAR1
An elderly couple was attending church services one Sunday. About halfway through the sermon, the wife leaned over and said to her husband, " I just let a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He replied "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

======================

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the
patients were shouting, '13....13....13.' The fence was too high to
see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through
to see what was going on.....

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

I used that one, it worked well.

Thank You

 

[foghorn67]

Two muffins were in an oven. One says to the other, "boy, it sure is hot in here."
The other says...
"Holy Shit, a talking muffin."

 

[rudeguy]

Originally posted by: foghorn67
Two muffins were in an oven. One says to the other, "boy, it sure is hot in here."
The other says...
"Holy Shit, a talking muffin."

What did one snowman say to the other?
"do you smell carrots?"


What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
snowballs

 

[Fritzo]

Originally posted by: andy04
Joe Schmoe got the axe at his firm and had to find a new job.

He starts his job search early, setting his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 am.

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was brewing, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).

He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE), and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO), to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (MADE IN SWITERLAND), to the radio (MADE IN JAPAN), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY), and began his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while.

He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE), and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

This sounds like something 70 year old would write in the editorial section of the newspaper.

 

[Kyteland]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World%27s_funniest_joke

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?"

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off ? go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.

A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight.

 

[Ballatician]

Originally posted by: geno

Originally posted by: OdiN

I give this a FAIL!/10.

It's stupid.

Also, businessman is one word.

Originally posted by: OdiN
You've got to tell it better than that dude.

Originally posted by: OdiN
That's a poor excuse for a poorly told joke.

Originally posted by: OdiN

Uhm....

On a scale of 1-10 I give this a -100 Billion.


Stupid.

Why don't you post a good one then? Put up or shut the hell up.

I would say +1 but I learned quickly to filter out any of his posts.

 

[SandEagle]

what do u get when u cross an elephant with a rhino?
Elephino (he'll if I know)

Men it's late