Originally posted by: Atomic Playboy
Why does it need to be clean?
Originally posted by: Tobolo
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along,"
Originally posted by: FDF12389
Originally posted by: Atomic Playboy
Why does it need to be clean?
Cause thats what the assignment says.
Originally posted by: Squisher
One of the guests at a birthday party for a woman turning 100 years old notices that the guest of honor has slumped sideways in her wheel chair so she inserts a pillow that she found into the woman's wheel chair to support her. Much to her consternation she finds the woman slumping the other way and puts in another pillow. When she finds the woman slumped forward she finds a ribbon and ties the woman into her chair to finally keep upright.
A while later the son of the guest of honor arrives and looks at his mother tied in between two pillows so he leans over, wishes her happy birthday, and asks what all the pillows and ribbon are for. She whispers back, "they won't let me fart."
Originally posted by: uberman
I've taught speech and I'm somewhat amazed why you'd need a joke for a speech. People often try humor because they feel nervous about speaking in front of others. Is this a demonstration speech where you'll be displaying and describing something to others. This is an early type of speech used in a speech class to allow speakers to take the spotlight off themselves and hold something so they feel less nervous.
Public speaking is incredible the way it makes people feel nervous. I had seniors practicing for senior exit projects. They had to speak in front of their peers (only 9 students) and they were terrified. I was teaching native Spanish speakers at the time. One student apologized and said he was "embrazada."
I questioned whether he was really "embrazada" and whether that had caused him to mess up his speech. He meant that he had been embarrassed, because "embrazada" means you are pregnant. The teenage boy was not pregnant to the best of our knowledge.
Originally posted by: The Boston Dangler
Q: what's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A: the wheelchair
you're right for hating me
Originally posted by: JDMnAR1
An elderly couple was attending church services one Sunday. About halfway through the sermon, the wife leaned over and said to her husband, " I just let a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He replied "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
======================
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the
patients were shouting, '13....13....13.' The fence was too high to
see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through
to see what was going on.....
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
Originally posted by: Atomic Playboy
Originally posted by: FDF12389
Originally posted by: Atomic Playboy
Why does it need to be clean?
Cause thats what the assignment says.
In that case, I recommend the Aristocrats.
Originally posted by: geno
The Little Rascals are all in school one day. The teacher says, "Children, it's time for a spelling exercise. I will say a word, you spell it, then use it in a sentence."
She first calls on Alfalfa, "Your word is 'business'." Alfalfa spells the word with ease, "B-U-S-I-N-E-S-S" and for using it in a sentence, "My father is a successful business man." The teacher commends him and moves onto Darla. "Darla, your word is 'telephone'." "T-E-L-E-P-H-O-N-E, I know how to use a telephone"
"Very good!" the teacher says in delight. She next calls on Buckwheat, "Buckwheat, your word is 'dictate'."
Buckwheat says, "D-I-C-T-A-T-E"
"And for the sentance?"
"Hey Darla, how'd my dictate last night?"
Best one in the thread.Originally posted by: JDMnAR1
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the
patients were shouting, '13....13....13.' The fence was too high to
see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through
to see what was going on.....
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
Originally posted by: OdiN
I give this a FAIL!/10.
It's stupid.
Also, businessman is one word.
Originally posted by: OdiN
You've got to tell it better than that dude.
Originally posted by: OdiN
That's a poor excuse for a poorly told joke.
Originally posted by: OdiN
Uhm....
On a scale of 1-10 I give this a -100 Billion.
Stupid.
Originally posted by: OdiN
Originally posted by: Demon-Xanth
Two guys are at a bar at the top of the empire state building and one guy turns to the other and says "You know, if you jump off the wind currents will push you into the 6th floor window and you'll be unhurt.". The second guy says no way, so the first guy jumps off. And sure enough, he goes right into the 6th floor window and comes back up the elevator. The second guy says "that was a fluke, no way you could do that again." So the first guy jumps off again, and amazingly enough, right in the 6th floor window. Seeing this the second guy jumps, and falls right past the 6th floor window and smacks the ground. As the first guy returns, the bartender says "You know Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
You've got to tell it better than that dude.