I went on a guided cave tour a few weeks ago, and the guide told this one to the kids:
How do Mexicans cut their pizza?
<Mexican accent>With Little Caesars</Mexican accent>
Haha this had me rolling.Might need some explaining for kids:
Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car. They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
From the time Charlie was a little kid he wanted to drive a street car. He dreamed about it, talked about, had pictures of street cars in his room, read books about them, everything in Charlie's world was street cars. On his 21st birthday, Charlie went down to the public works department and took the driver's exam. He flunked. So Charlie spent the next six months studying night and day to pass the exam. He flunked again. Now Charlie was desperate. If he failed the exam a third time, that was it, he could never be a street car driver. So Charlie studied all the more. He read every manual over and over. He memorized the routes, knew all the rules. Yet on his third try he flunked for good. Charlie was heart broken. He wandered the streets in anguish.
Then, one day Charlie saw a driver hop off the street car to fetch a soda. Charlie thought "Here is my chance". Charlie jumped in the driver's seat and took off. Charlie was in heaven, he was driving a street car! He laughed aloud in absolute joy. He slammed into a crowd of pedestrians, killing fourteen. The police lead him away in cuffs as he screamed that it wasn't his fault.
Charlie was found guilty of fourteen counts of negligent homicide and sentenced to death. On the day of his execution Charlie, still pleading his innocence, was strapped into the electric chair, and the switch was thrown. The power surged yet nothing happened to Charlie. The warden came forth and told Charlie that he was free to go. Under the rules of the state, if an execution failed the prisoner was freed. Charlie broke down in utter despair, sobbing and cursing his fate. The warden, puzzled to say the least, asked Charlie why he was so sad. Charlie replied "I just realized that I really am a bad conductor."
LMAO I'm glad everyone has left for the day because I'm laughing my ass off.Might need some explaining for kids:
Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car. They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
Might need some explaining for kids:
Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car. They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
Two flys are on a piece of shit. One fly farts. The other says, "Hey! Do you mind?! I'm eatin' here."
-Drew Carey
I will be visiting a middle school class of kids tomorrow. That's grades 6-8. I have been told they are in a special STEM program.
The teacher inviting me has a tradition of having his guests tell a joke to the kids at the start of the school day.
Any AGE-APPROPRIATE jokes to suggest?
Thanks.
Two flys are on a piece of shit. One fly farts. The other says, "Hey! Do you mind?! I'm eatin' here."
-Drew Carey
Might need some explaining for kids:
Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car. They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
you can find tons of totally safe for work and age appropriate jokes here
http://www.sickipedia.org/
:biggrin:Bears think if you're lying down motionless, you're dead.
So every day, the first bear to wake up must think its entire family is dead.
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people
show up. One is a retired golfer in his seventies and the
other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them,"I'm not going to sugar coat
it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you
two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment --
chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the
whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The
lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About
halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful
naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up
to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues
to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and
then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never
seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top
that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion
out of there."
Got me a new truck!
I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs..
Yesterday, some guys ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them.
I yelled, assholes!'
Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbra Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy On Scotch.
Damn, I LOVE this truck!
Q: What happened to the plant in math class?
A: It grew square roots.
Q: How did the cheerleader define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam?
A: Fear of utility bills.