Need some serious advice

[AgaBoogaBoo]

First, if you plan on posting some worthless comment, please leave it out of this thread. There are threads that don't really matter and ones that do, this is one that does matter.

My brother who is 10 years old is having trouble at school with other kids. He's in 4th grade right now by the way. Anyway, being at that age, lots of small things can add up and make it tough on the person because he's not mature enough to be able to ignore bad comments, so they get to him.

Let me tell you a few incidents, keep in mind, this is a 10 year old, not something you'd handle as an adult. Today on the bus some kids brought in a picture and started showing it, they showed it to everyone but him and when he asked they all passed it around so he couldn't see it. Then they called him a "nerd." My dad says that he won't have the courage to ignore them until he can fight back, he said that when they call him a nerd he should go up to their face and say nerd five times.

Also, we live in a fairly well off county, in the top 10 richest. (I'm not bragging, keep on reading). The way we spend our money is a bit different, as in, we don't spend as much as some of the kids he's around on clothes. Let me give you an example, he'll have 4th graders come in wearing all Abercrombie stuff and nike or reebok shoes or some expensive jersey. It's almost always like this and you can tell they aren't wearing the same clothes often, so not like they have 3 really nice clothes they always wear. My brother on the other hand, has been brought up with not as expensive items, I mean, does a kid really need to wear a tshirt and pant that costed his parents more than $100 EVERY day along with an expensive pair of shoes?

Obviously, it's becoming more and more like a middle school where clothing is a big factor. Once he gets to high school I hope his problems are solved because he'll be with lots of people, and not all of them will be like him. Many days he'll cry at night that whatever he does he gets made fun of and that they all gang up on him.

What should we do exactly? Times like this can be really confusing and that's why I'm asking here. Also, we understand he needs to toughen up, but what should he do? I don't think we want to go out and spend lots of money to make him accepted by his peers because his true friends shouldn't care. Oh, his good friends are perfectly fine with him, but even though they're good friend, all the other bad ones make you feel bad.

He does not wear torn up cheap shirts, he wears decent clothing, but that does not mean $100 an outfit for each day. Any reccomendations?

Sorry, no cliff notes and those who want to make worthless replies in this thread, go somewhere else. If this thread gets out of hand I'll ask the mods to lock it because this is a serious thread. Thanks guys!

 

[melly]

If he has true friends, IMHO he should talk to them about it and see if they'll 'help' him defend himself. If the other kids realize he has a 'posse' behind him, they might not be so quick to make fun of him.

Aside: I also agree that kids that age should not be in designer clothes. They grow out of them quickly, and to quote The Fresh Prince, "You go to school to learn, not for a fashion show."

 

[labrat25]

the true lack of importance is something he'll hafta learn, one way or another (not to sound harsh... though the way he is learning it now is better than living with the dilusion that clothes do matter)

honestly i know exactly what that was like, it's just something he'll learn to deal with... he'll find friends who are "nerds" like himself
that's preferable, IMHO, than trying to fit in with the A&F crowd

 

[AgaBoogaBoo]

Originally posted by: xmellyx
If he has true friends, IMHO he should talk to them about it and see if they'll 'help' him defend himself. If the other kids realize he has a 'posse' behind him, they might not be so quick to make fun of him.

Aside: I also agree that kids that age should not be in designer clothes. They grow out of them quickly, and to quote The Fresh Prince, "You go to school to learn, not for a fashion show."

Good point, problem is some of those kids that are his friends, are only really friends outside of school, but when they get on the bus, they're different. His "real" friends ride different buses or something of the sort, but even with friends behind you, a group of kids trying to act all hard and everything might just want to make fun of someone or something so they pick on him

 

[Feldenak]

It helped when the other folks I went to school with thought I was a bit psycho.

As for actual helpful hints. Look at the way you carry yourself and your actions, he will emulate them. If you are confident and mature in the way you handle problems and their resolution it will rub off on him.

 

[AgaBoogaBoo]

Originally posted by: labrat25
the true lack of importance is something he'll hafta learn, one way or another (not to sound harsh... though the way he is learning it now is better than living with the dilusion that clothes do matter)

honestly i know exactly what that was like, it's just something he'll learn to deal with... he'll find friends who are "nerds" like himself
that's preferable, IMHO, than trying to fit in with the A&F crowd

Yeah, I guess that makes sense. I used to hate middle school because of this. Now in high school, there's a ton more people to choose from, it's a lot more fun too.

The thing that I question is why they call him a nerd. I don't think it's uncommon to wear glasses now, but other than that it's not like he's on the computer a lot or studying all day or something.

 

[AgaBoogaBoo]

Originally posted by: Feldenak
It helped when the other folks I went to school with thought I was a bit psycho.

As for actual helpful hints. Look at the way you carry yourself and your actions, he will emulate them. If you are confident and mature in the way you handle problems and their resolution it will rub off on him.

Thanks for that, I think I'll try something like that and tell him what I do in high school to avoid/stop people I don't like from bothering him.

 

[Nocturnal]

If that was my son or brother I'd have him take up some kind of martial art. This happens everywhere, rich, poor, any type of neighborhood. I even went through this when I was in elementary school.

 

[Jhill]

Damn, 4th grade kids making fun of ppl not wearing designer clothes?

That is FU@ked.



I respect your family for not giving into that crap. I really do.

 

[AgaBoogaBoo]

Originally posted by: Nocturnal
If that was my son or brother I'd have him take up some kind of martial art. This happens everywhere, rich, poor, any type of neighborhood. I even went through this when I was in elementary school.

Holy crap!!! Why didn't we think of this before??? I'm going to mention this to my dad tomorrow, I think this will be a huge thing for him. Thanks for the idea Nocturnal! He used to do martial arts, but it just stopped after some time, I think I'll ask him if he'd like to try it again since the last time we moved. Thanks again!

 

[Feldenak]

Originally posted by: AgaBooga

Originally posted by: Nocturnal
If that was my son or brother I'd have him take up some kind of martial art. This happens everywhere, rich, poor, any type of neighborhood. I even went through this when I was in elementary school.

Holy crap!!! Why didn't we think of this before??? I'm going to mention this to my dad tomorrow, I think this will be a huge thing for him. Thanks for the idea Nocturnal! He used to do martial arts, but it just stopped after some time, I think I'll ask him if he'd like to try it again since the last time we moved. Thanks again!

If he's into martial arts then that's a good way to go. Really any extracurricular activity that allows him to develop confidence in himself would be good. If he decides to take up some sort of activity, be supportive of him w/o being smothering. Ask him how practice was, go to his matches/games, etc... As the older brother, the best thing you can do is be a role model without being a parent. Hell, my parents and I used to play Good Cop/Bad Cop with my little brother, they'd let me in on what's going on and then go deliver his punishment and then later I'd go in and he'd talk to me about getting punished, what he did, etc...

 

[geckojohn]

Cliff Notes??

 

[IBuyUFO]

Why doesn't he ride the "other" bus with his "real" friends?

 

[PennyTibz]

Well it's great to know that you care about your little brother. For me, it was similar....don't mean to sound like I'm better or anything, but imagine if you and your brother switched places? Let's say your brother was older and you were younger, and he was having the same problems and you weren't. It would be a lot more difficult on both of you.

I grew up similar to how your brother grew up, but the problem is, I'm the oldest of 3 siblings, 1st generation immigrant family, were were poor, and we grew up in a middle class area (not poor or rich, but middle class...we did have some people who were poor and some who were rich, but that's beyond the point).

Now, 15 years later, I'm doing great with a good job, have a few good friends that I kept in touch with, and the family is rich. Personally, I think that the way people treated me when I was young (as bad as it was at the time) was good, because it made me tough. Imagine if your little brother was treated like a king and never mistreated - it would be a lot worse. He'd go crazy and wouldn't be able to function in normal society after he got out of school. That's why a lot of people who live with their parents even when they're in their late 20's and early 30's were spoiled rich kids and have no place in the modern world.

What's my advise? Pray to God, like my parents did for me, help him to keep a few good friends (8-10 can even be too much...I only kept 5 or 6 friends from HS), and let him toughen up. So long as he isn't getting jumped or stabbed, he should do fine. Where I went to school, those types of things happened about once a week. It will help him to build his character, as it did in myself. By the time he's 16, older people will look highly upon him because of his ability to handle difficult situations. He'll be more mature than most people for his age. People who become managers, leaders and mentors in the business world weren't spoiled when they were kids - they got their ass kicked, they learned and they got used to it...then they just went on from their and learned from the past.

The martial arts thing sounds good...just don't let him get too confident in martial arts class. One night in class he might think he's tough because he wins a fight...then he goes to school the next day and might act a little "too tough" with a bad kid, and end up getting his assed kicked - it wouldn't be pretty.

I'm just writing all this because some drunk guy was picking on a single mom and her ~ 2 year old son at the supermarket today, and I was in so much of a hurry at the time that I couldn't even notice what was going on or do anything to help her. I feel like crap . Hopefully this little advice can help you and make up for that crap Karma I just gave to myself.

I hope the best for you and your little bro. Oh and I like what Feldenak said about your actions rubbing off on him. That's especially true since he's younger than you are, and I think at this younger age, an older sibling influences a child about as much as parents. I screwed up a few things in my life early on, and now my little bro and sister are doing the same thing. It really sucks, because they are doing exactly what I did, and I can't say anything about it since I did the same thing.

That's just my 2 cents. Hopefully it's worth more than 2 cents to you! I hope this helps you. I'm just trying to say what I think by relating what happened to me.

Good luck and God bless

 

[Dissipate]

I think this situation can cut both ways in the future. It can either help your brother by "toughening" him up or it could destroy him depending on how he takes it. My advice is instead of attacking this problem directly by having him beat kids up etc. you should help him channel this experience into something positive. Teach him that life is not about what clothes you wear or if you are "cool" or not. Make those other kids look like idiots. Open him up to the adult world and show him that success in life is based on personal achievement, not what others think about you.

 

[WaterTorture]

Well, I feel for you and your brother.

But, I think youre taking this a little seriously. But, here is some advice...

Everyone is mentioning martial arts and stuff, which is good. I support that because it teachs self discipline and all that, which will be good for the rest of his life. But, you know it will take at least a few months to solve the problem that way. So, that could be a long term goal.

For the short term...

1. Make him feel comfortable w/ himself and let him know that he doesnt have to impress anyone and he can be himself. Being yourself is the most important thing that everyone should learn how to do.

2. He can be as comfortable w/ himself as much as he wants to be. But, kids will still make fun. So, he's going to have to do 1 of 2 things.

a. Roll w/ the punches and laugh at himself. Kids only make fun when they think theyre hurting someone and if they cant hurt him w/ insults they will leave him alone. Developing a thick skin will help him his whole life btw.

b. Put up or shutup, hes going to have to smash somebody's face. I like this option because it has long term effects. You beat the snot out of someone at this age, chances are they will be a friend for life.

He doesnt have to learn fancy fighting either, the dirtier the better! At this age kids still think that a clean fighter is better than a dirty fighter, so have him take pride in the fact he will hit someone w/ a brick after he kicks someone in the nuts.

Don't teach him anything that will kill or seriously hurt someone though (brick is prolly a bad idea), just stuff that will make someone hurt pretty bad for a bit of time (kick to the old family jewels is good, with a follow up punch)

I had this kind of problem when I was a kid. But, it was because I was a little smaller than the other kids instead of dressing differently. I was afraid to fight and Id just run home and cry.

My aunt lived w/ us at the time and she said she was going to punch me everytime I didnt defend myself. Well, I didnt believe her and I went home crying and she socked me. Next day I went to school and they teased me and instead of running I started spinning like a helicopter w/ my fists out and I hit one of the kids and it knocked him down and gave him a black eye. I never got teased again and the kids started calling me Chopper.

So, it worked out for me and it will prolly work out for your brother. There is always going to be bullies in life and you just have to learn how to deal w/ them.

 

[Balt]

Originally posted by: AgaBooga

Originally posted by: xmellyx
If he has true friends, IMHO he should talk to them about it and see if they'll 'help' him defend himself. If the other kids realize he has a 'posse' behind him, they might not be so quick to make fun of him.

Aside: I also agree that kids that age should not be in designer clothes. They grow out of them quickly, and to quote The Fresh Prince, "You go to school to learn, not for a fashion show."

Good point, problem is some of those kids that are his friends, are only really friends outside of school, but when they get on the bus, they're different. His "real" friends ride different buses or something of the sort, but even with friends behind you, a group of kids trying to act all hard and everything might just want to make fun of someone or something so they pick on him

That's because people like that (who won't be his friend around other people) are not true friends. Even if he were to start dressing like the other students to be accepted, they would still be crappy friends to have. And it probably won't change much once he gets to high school. Everyone may be nicer to him, but they will still be lousy human beings overall.

As far as solutions go, he can either be kind of an outsider in an outsiderish clique with a few friends, or go to another school where fewer people will care about clothes and status and all that other childish crap that some people forget to leave in their childhood. If he stays at that school I doubt he'll enjoy his life much before college.

Perhaps that sounds a bit pessimistic, but I'm just relating what I learned in my years at a school that was similar to what his sounds like.

Good luck getting it sorted out, I hope he has at least a few good years before college.

 

[cucumber]

I didn't read all of the other posts, so I can't comment on if they're usefull or off base. I can tell you this though.

I was that kid when I was going through school. I was bullied. I was the nerd, the ugly one, the one without friends, the one
girls hated and made fun of. Here's my take on it. (from first hand experience)

There's absolutely nothing, NOTHING an older sibling or parent can do to change how other kids treat your brother/son. There's also absolutely NOTHING older siblings or parents can do to make the kid feel better. The more anyone tries to fix things, the more screwed up things will get for the kid. What I figured out on my own as a kid through trial an error is this:
(these suggestions are for the kid....)

1) Never answer back to those making fun of you. Never argue with them since they're not rational to begin with. Kids are not to be reasoned with. The more you try, the stupider you look. Whether you're right or wrong, the more you argue, the more sh_t they'll give you. At the most tell them to f_ck themselves. Otherwise say nothing.

2) If other kids confront you physically, FIGHT. Do not pick fights. Do not fight out af anger.
Fight only when being physically attacked. Whether you have a chance of winning or not. Fight. Again, only fight in defense. It doesn't matter if you win or loose. It doesn't matter if you know martial arts or not. Just fight if you need to. If the other guy is bigger, if you're scared, suck it up. Fight, but only in self defense.

3) If everyone treats you like crap, be a loner. Have your friends, but nothing more. Never try to fit in. Again, NEVER TRY TO FIT IN. DO NOT TRY TO BE DIFFERENT. BE YOURSELF. The harder you try to fit in, the more they'll make fun of you. Accept those who accept you. Anyone else can go to hell. This is hard when you're young, but once you're in your teens this makes you cool. Way cooler than the little queers who TRY to be cool.

I know this might sound rough and maybe a bit much to expect from a kid, but I've seen others go through this , and I've
been through it myself. As long as they think you don't care. As long as you don't look like a pussy, they'll leave
you alone. Throughout elementary school and early junior high, you will likely be a loner. But once you hit your teens
things will flip. The less you care, the cooler you are.

It's tough, but soon enough everyone is in their teens. Suddenly you become the guy who
took no sh_t. Who never backed down from a fight. You were never effected by idiots taunting you. You become the cool guy.

You showed no fear, you never gave in to their games. You did your own thing no matter what. As hard as that might be
in your pre-teens, once you're a teenager, that makes you a god.

If the kid follows these suggestions he'll find people start thinking he's the cool badass. Girls will be all over him. If the kid is even slightly good looking and not deformed, girls will find him irresistable. I am not kidding or exagerating. I always acted exactly the same. I never changed to fit in. I never compromised and followed trends. As a little kid this made me a target of ridicule. As a teen (and beyond) this made me a badass.

The biggest thing is that if the kid doesn't care (or at least pretends not to care what others think) this will make him cool.

Do not be different for the sake of being different. Be different if it suits you. Follow when it suits you.

Long story short, there's no quick fix. If the kid is "the nerd" or the one being picked on, there's no easy way out. There's absolutely nothing you can do as a sibling or parent. The more you interfere the worse the kid will get it. Sad but true.

Ther kid will have to tough it out, but if he handles things right, roles will reverse. He'll be the one peole want to be around. Once a kid shows some mental toughness and displays that he's sure of himself (false or real.... doesn't matter) other kids will be magnetized to him as a leader.

Hopefully this helps.

.

 

[robh23]

he needs to punch the leader in the face, then they wont take the risk of bullying him.

 

[Calin]

If he is wearing glasses, you might try some eye-surgery (laser-based). He might need to use glasses in special conditions, but not all the time.
I know this won't help much on the problems you say he has, but maybe it will help a bit

Calin

 

[nan0bug]

I went through the same problem in elementary school and most of middle school.

Give him some Nofx and Bad Religion cds. Maybe some descendants, they're poppy but they're like the original poppy punk band so thats ok, they've got cred. No MTV punk! He needs some punk rock in his life, but hes too young for the hardcore OI sh!t and letting him listen to this new poppy punk crap thats on MTV would be like dressing him up in womens clothing.

Trust me, the transformation will be crazy for a while. It will start slow, then before you know it he'll be spiking his hair and sneaking hair dye into the house. This is a good thing, think of it like the process a caterpillar goes through to become a butterfly. Let him put liberty spikes in his hair and wear spike bracelets on his wrist and a chain on his wallet. Its only temporary, eventually he'll realize punk is a state of mind and you don't need to advertise it.

It worked for me, my school was the same way, and I was the same as your little brother -- its not that my mom couldn't buy them for me, it just came down to 'what do you want more, computer stuff or designer clothes, your choice'. I preferred computers. I got picked on endlessly. Then my half-brother from Ohio came to visit me and happened to bring along a couple Dead Kennedys cds. I couldn't get enough. Before too long I was, as Ed norton said in fight club, 'the zen master, right up in everyones hostile little faces'. Never got messed with again after that.

Edit:

I want to add something. My teenage years weren't the best. I got locked up a couple times. Punk will instill a sort of independance in him that needs to be reigned in by parental guidance. Independance is a good thing, just don't hand him the ball and let him run with it. Give him creative outlets, push him to be socially conscious.

Another good thing about punk is theres a strong straight-edge scene that if you get him in that direction early will keep him off drugs and alcohol. Just don't let him turn into an elitist prick

 

I went through something really similiar to this when I was in fourth and sixth grade. It's not easy, but he just needs to find one or two people in his class or grade that he can trust, and be able to fall back on them when he's upset. It's never fun to cry at night after school though, that just makes my heart wrench.

Another thing your parents may want to do is speak to the teacher. Tell her/him that you don't want a big deal made out of it, but that your son isn't really enjoying school because he doesn't feel like part of the in-crowd. See what the teacher says.

The above poster is right though, the only thing that'll make this better is time and behavior changes. Follow cucumber's advice, and it'll all be fine. It may take a couple years, but it'll work.

Good luck, this is one of the hardest things I ever went through, and it'll eventually turn out just fine.

 

[MaxDSP]

Originally posted by: Calin
If he is wearing glasses, you might try some eye-surgery (laser-based). He might need to use glasses in special conditions, but not all the time.
I know this won't help much on the problems you say he has, but maybe it will help a bit

Calin

Eye-surgery? The kid's 10 years old...