Need someone to listen...

[Megatomic]

Hi guys, I know this isn't really H&F material, but I don't post in most of the other subforums here at AnandTech so you all must suffer.

Here is my problem: I feel like I am losing everyone. My father died on Feb. 12 and that was a tragedy for my entire family. Today my eldest child, Adam, who happened to be my training partner and ultrarunning companion, left home to go into the US Navy. I am very excited for him, he's stepping out into the world and becoming a man. But this is difficult also, mostly for me but also for my wife. And next week my wife and I are moving to Florida and our two younger children (a junior and a senior in high school) are staying here in NY to finish out the school year. My baby (our daughter) is going to join us in Orlando in June, and this makes me very happy. My younger son wants to stay in NY until he goes off to the Navy in August. He thinks he's in love and doesn't want to leave his girlfriend until he absolutely has to, this makes me a little angry at him but it is making his mother miserable.

Emotionally I'm a wreck. I'm keeping a smile on my face for the benefit of others. It's sapping my energy. My running and strength workouts are suffering. I feel like crap. And worst of all, I have no confidantes to share all this with IRL. My wife NEEDS me to be her John Wayne right now so I can't dump on her. And I am a social misfit here in rural NY as I don't hunt, drink, chew, smoke or watch NASCAR so I have no buddies.

I know life is going to be amazing once things stabilize in a few months. Adam and Ryan (my younger son) were going to be leaving home anyways, this was a known hurt I tried to prepare for - and failed. Having my father pass away (at just 59 y/o) and having to say good bye to my daughter for 3 months was an unknown I had no way of preparing for. And the stress of the move. And trying to help my wife cope with an empty nest all the sudden.

And the irony in this is that if my son didn't leave I'd be able to cope with the other issues better as we'd just go out and run for hours. You know, we'd leave the pain and misery behind long enough to get our thoughts in order. I've exorcised a lot of demons out on the trails...

Thanks for reading this, I actually feel a bit better having communicated this crap to someone.

 

[JimKiler]

Hang in there and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel but not right now. Letting your kids do what is best for them should help strengthen your relationship with them. Is there no running clubs at your work or in town?

 

[Dude111]

I am so sorry your father has passed away.. Always know he will be with you!

Sometimes i feel the same way you do!! (Alot actually)

I do hope your son will be OK thruout his tour and will be back home before you know it!

Peace and love to you

 

[highland145]

Sorry for your loss. Best of to you and the wife.

Surely there's a running club near you. Or you could always take up hunting, drinking, smoking........screw NASCAR.

 

[Megatomic]

Thanks guys. There is a running club near me and I've joined them in plenty of outings, but with just a week left and it being winter still (they're not all gung ho about winter running like I am) there is little chance of getting something organized.

I am going to join a club in Florida. Hopefully there are some trail runners who run ultras for me to hook up with.

 

[interchange]

Hi Megatomic. I think this absolutely belongs in health and fitness. I am glad to hear you are feeling a bit better after writing this outs. I too know very well the pressure of being the guy who needs to demonstrate control and support his family. Since your feelings seem to be related to specific current life situations, I think you should consider seeing a counselor for a short period. They may be able to help you transition in your life.

 

[SociallyChallenged]

Hey man, I'm sorry to hear about both of those events. You can't stop missing either of them, but take every opportunity to remember favorite times with both of them. Talk to your children as often as you can. Other than that, just try to stay busy and be social. It's hard and exactly the opposite of what you'd want to do, but it will distract you a bit. Even if it's just taking a month of martial arts classes and grabbing beers afterward. Just something out of the ordinary should help break up the monotony. As interchange stated, a counselor might be a good resource for ideas on how to deal with the situation in a productive manner. If you're not comfortable with that, then try talking to your wife and other family members. They're there for support.

 

[mechBgon]

I'm sorry about your dad At least it sounds like you were on good terms. You clearly make a difference in your family's lives and will be there for them in the future, but it's so understandable that it's hard to let go right now. At least you're saying what's on your mind, hope it's some help that we care.

 

[marmasatt]

So sorry for your loss Jeff. I've got a buddy going through the exact same thing (between that and the empty nest issue). It's a new stage in your life. Your wife may have a difficult time coming to grips with it, so continue to be there for her and remain strong. You are a little depressed now but it's not always going to be like this. I think others have a great idea about finding something relatively social or something that combines the social and athletic. (Softball, hoops, martial arts, big race, etc). Good idea to pray about it as well. May help relax your nerves. And it sounds like you could use a little help.

 

[Megatomic]

Thank you mech and SC. I was on the best of terms with both of them. My dad and I had a conversation a few days before he passed and we both said everything that needed to be said then. When he passed I knew he loved me and my family and that he was proud of the person I am. He died knowing that I love him and that I was grateful for him being there in my life and making me the man I am today.

And I do feel so stupid for being so distraught over my son leaving for the Navy. It's just that everything I do he used to do with me. Running. Exercising. Drinking coffee. Jokes. Movies. If he was old enough I'm sure beer and Crown Royal would be on that list, too.

I'm doing everything I can to break up the monotony. Moving to Florida next week will be huge, he never ran a step with me there. This should help, alot.

And mech, it does help. Breaking down in front of my wife did also. I hate being John Wayne anyways.

 

[Megatomic]

So sorry for your loss Jeff. I've got a buddy going through the exact same thing (between that and the empty nest issue). It's a new stage in your life. Your wife may have a difficult time coming to grips with it, so continue to be there for her and remain strong. You are a little depressed now but it's not always going to be like this. I think others have a great idea about finding something relatively social or something that combines the social and athletic. (Softball, hoops, martial arts, big race, etc). Good idea to pray about it as well. May help relax your nerves. And it sounds like you could use a little help.

Thanks my friend. I'd like to find a hash group in Florida, it doesn't get any more social than that, does it?

The praying doesn't come easily for me. Both of my parents were taken at a "young" age now, I feel a bit bitter about it when I see such miserable, old people out and about. It took a while for me to come around after mom passed, I guess it won't be long this time either.

 

[TRCDROM]

I am very sorry for your loss. You need to take care of yourself and your wife physically, emotially and mentally. I would recommend something like a martial arts class (doesn't matter the type of martial arts as long as you like the school). This will:

- Give you someplace to go on a regularly scheduled basis
- Introduce you to others (starting a social life - even if it is just while you are in the school/dojo)
- Give you exercise
- Give you an outlet for frustration (sometimes you jsut need to hit or kick something hard)
- Give you time away from everything else in your life (clear you mind - don't think about anything else for that time - this is you time)
- Learn a new skill (you can then start making this your hobby - e.g. get books, magazines, read websites)

The other thing I would do related to the above is look on Groupon under Florida. See what classes you can sign up for at a very low price. I signed up for a "spinning class) for $20 for two months - to see if I would like it. I also signed up for a kickboxing school that was approxmately $50 for three months of unlimited sessions. I used to train and this was a great way to get back into it.

I do not want to be the one that takes your anguish and says "I have the same or I have it worse" - this thread is about you. I just want you to know that I fully understand and found a lot of "comfort" (maybe not the right word) in a physical activity class.

Maybe this is something that you can even do with the wife.

Good luck with everything,

 

[Megatomic]

Thanks for the ideas, TRCDROM. My wife and I are actually looking for something to do together and at this point we're considering dance classes. I have never been able to dance so that would be opening a door to something completely new, it's kind of exciting to be honest. I'll check out the Groupon thing, saving money is always good.

I suppose at this point I should give an update on the family. It's been an ugly year:

1. Wife and I almost divorced. We were separated for almost 3 months this summer/fall. We are now working through our problems and truly things are better between us at this time than they have been in years.

2. I was diagnosed with extremely low Testosterone levels. This is being corrected by the use of a hormone replacement gel. I feel so much better even though I've only been using it for 2 months.

3. My eldest got himself discharged from the Navy as he couldn't take the separation from his fiance'. He came to live with us this summer for about 2 months and left to go back to NY to be with her. His stress added to the marital issues that led to my separation. But he's in college now and doing much better, our relationship with him is improving and the future looks good at the moment.

4. My younger son joined us in FL for a month before he went to the Navy. He is doing great and brings us lots of joy and pride. He is now in Oceana, VA attached to an F/A-18 squadron. He is loving life.

5. My daughter, our baby, is the source of so much pain for us now and also helped me almost lose my marriage. She decided to get herself knocked up so she couldn't leave NY. She has written off basically her entire family after everyone refused to give her a car or money or help her finance a four wheeler. She has turned into a trailer living welfare mom with too little to eat. She could live with us here in FL in a very nice home and have plenty to eat but she's made her choice. I can't count the number of times I've cried over her.

So 80% of the family is doing well, but it's hard to be completely positive when my daughter is living such a horrid yet self-induced life. Our hope is that she will eventually get to the point where she has suffered enough and will ask for help, or even better to come home.

 

[Saint Nick]

Hope you come back strong in 2013 Megatomic

 

[Megatomic]

Thanks Saint Nick, I spent the last 2 months of 2012 prepping for a great 2013.

 

[Mursilis]

I'm happy to hear most of your issues have resolved, but sorry to hear about your daughter. I've got three daughters, and I can imagine your angst. Hope she matures soon!

 

[Megatomic]

We hope so, too. I just realized that I didn't even post the worst part of her situation: she doesn't even like the father anymore. It's almost more than I can take. If only I'd have made her move to FL with me last March while she was still a minor.

 

[blackdogdeek]

Good luck, OP. I hope things turn out well for you and your family.

We hope so, too. I just realized that I didn't even post the worst part of her situation: she doesn't even like the father anymore. It's almost more than I can take. If only I'd have made her move to FL with me last March while she was still a minor.

Maybe the father being out of the picture could turn out to be a blessing in disguise somehow? But definitely try not to dwell on what could have been. That path leads to depression.

 

[Megatomic]

Good luck, OP. I hope things turn out well for you and your family.

Thank you.

Maybe the father being out of the picture could turn out to be a blessing in disguise somehow?

We are trying to keep our hopes from getting up, but yes, we have considered that. Though I don't want my granddaughter to be raised in a broken home.

But definitely try not to dwell on what could have been. That path leads to depression.

Indeed it does. I'm trying really hard to keep that from happening too often. The holidays were tough.

 

[tedrodai]

I wish you and your family the best during these hard times. I have close family members that have caused grief as well, but I can't imagine it being my daughter in those shoes. Of course she's not yet 1 year old, so there's plenty of time for drama. All we can ever do is the best we know how.

 

[Megatomic]

Thanks tedrodai, we're taking it one day at a time and maintaining a loving and forgiving attitude.

 

[SWScorch]

I'm sorry to hear all of this, dude. I can only say that I truly hope that 2013 turns out to be a much better year for you and your family!!

 

[Rob_63]

Hey Bud, sounds like you have a lot on your plate. (and also sounds like you are managing it just fine too)

I just started getting back on the forums again and thought I would look you up to see how you have been and where you ended up, the last time we corresponded you were either still in Tx. or had just moved to NY. Sounds like we are dealing some of the same issues, the empty nest syndrome, rebellious teenage years, separation with the spouse. (we managed to work it out also) Grandchildren 4year old grandson and 9 week old granddaughter.

I hope all is well with you, I would love to move to Fl. myself, my sis lives in Naples and has been after me for years to relocate down there. I certainly wouldn't miss the winters (or the mullet headed-camo wearing deer hunting-Budweiser guzzling-skoal dippin Nascar enthusiasts.)

I would wager your daughter will pull through this all eventually, she didn't spend the majority of her life around a loving caring family and not have it rub off, common sense will prevail sooner or later and she will want more for her children and herself.

 

[Megatomic]

Thanks Rob. I don't have a ton of time right now for verbosity (leaving for the airport very shortly) but things with my daughter have improved greatly. She is the reason I'm leaving for the airport, her and my perfect granddaughter have been here for the past week. Things are on the mend with Tiffany and her mother and she and I picked right back up where we left off. So my immediate family is close to complete reconciliation and that makes me very happy.

In other news, my eldest sister (younger than me, 40 Y.O.) had to deliver her son 8 weeks early last week so they could begin chemo on her. She was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer, inflammatory Type 3. It went from a small bump in her breast to her entire breast being one giant tumor in 3 weeks. One lymph node was found to be affected and there is a spot on her spine, but they say with the chemo treatment and a double mastectomy she could have a good chance to raise my nephew. This has really kicked my larger family right in the guts, there always seems to be some crisis that affects us. So if you pray or cast positive thoughts, think of Gretchen and her family. This is baby number 4 there are many that depend on her.

 

[jaqie]

I am really bad at this kind of thing, I have had a lot of troubles myself and I tend to try to pull them out to help others but I have learned recently that makes others feel even worse, so I will not do that here... instead please know I would do all I could over text to try to help you feel better but I really don't know how.

Others having a hard time with life are thinking of you, I guess that's the best I can do. *hugs*