Stolen from another forum but it had me in tears....
Dear Detroit Red Wings;
Congratulations on making the post season for a 20th straight campaign. Congrats also for retaking the division crown and exceeding the 100 point plateau yet again. For a second straight season you persevered in the face of mounting injuries to key players and you retained home ice advantage for the first round. Kudos.
But seriously. What the f*ck? It is now time for the airing of grievances, and I've got a lot of problems with you people. The second half of the season was an unmitigated disaster. Indeed the entire season should be written off for certain so-called top-tier players. When Hudler wasn't busy being caught off sides, he kept himself occupied with ill-concieved, poorly executed cross ice passes through a sea of defenders, ultimately resulting in a turnover and an odd-man rush the other way (which you conveniently fail to back-check for). Thanks, KHL, for turning his game to crap.
Val Filppula, you have mastered the art streaking through the neutral zone with the puck, then, upon gaining entry into the offensive zone, losing your shiat, forgtinget what to do, curling up the half boards with the puck, only to inevitably cough it up to the opposition resulting in an odd-man rush the other way. Your eye to ass passes are also something to behold. It's a wonder you haven't killed any of your wingers yet. Knowing the bruising style the Phoenix blue-liners play...you will. How about you stop doing that and play up to your pay grade?
Mike Modano, you will go down in history as the greatest American-born hockey player (that is until Ryan Miller's career is finished), but this season was nothing other than forgettable. Your rocket shot is in serious need of recalibration, as you seem unable to find the net, particularly in critical moments. Your fleetness of skate has also gone by the wayside. Maybe next off season, if you indeed decide to come back, you'll spend the entire summer training with Kris Draper instead of being wined and dined by suitors interested in your service. Because this year, you weren't even the greatest American born player wearing the Winged Wheel (way to go, Drew Miller!). Indeed, you were only a slight upgrade over Jason Farking Williams.
Brian Rafalski, I hope that you soon realize that trying to move the puck through the defender's skate whilst you man the pivot on the Belle Tire Power Play is a recipe for disaster. If you give up one more shorthanded breakaway by doing that, I will send you the bill for my 50 inch flat screen that is destroyed when I huck my bottle of Cedar Ridge Bourbon through it. STOP FORCING SHOTS!
Johan Franzen. What the hell happened to you, Mule? This was supposed to be your break-out season. And for the first half, you were a force. Since then, your play has been uninspired, lackadaisical, and Todd Bertuzzi has been showing you up at every possible opportunity. Todd. Farking. Bertuzzi. I understand that you've started to believe the hype that you're a playoff beast. And maybe you are. But to go into post season Beast Mode, you have to actually MAKE the post season. Well kudos. Your team did. Little thanks to you. In the future, if you could play all 82 games as if they mattered, I'd appreciate it.
Kronwall, you put up gaudy offensive numbers and by all measures (to the hockey mulletocracy, anyways) you had a career year. Those of us that watched the games know better. Remember the good 'ol days, back when you were defensively reliable and were a force of devastating nature in the neutral zone that struck fear into the hearts of opposing forwards? So much so that Teemu Selanne would piss his breezers at the mere thought of you? What the hell happened to that guy? You spent the second half of the season refusing to get your hands dirty, failing to be responsible defensively, and completely unwilling to throw a game changing check when your team needed it most. Stop trying to put up gaudy offensive numbers and start trying to put someone through the farking boards.
Henrik Zetterberg, please get healthy. Immediately. Grab some stem cells or something. Seriously. You're the straw that stirs the drink.
Datsuyk, you're going to have to carry this team for a little while. May your steals be bountiful, and your dangles be legion.
And Babcock. You have the luxury of icing (arguably) the best bottom five forwards in all the NHL. Kris Draper, Darren Helm, Patrick Eaves, Justin Abdelkader, and Drew Miller were the most consistent, hardest working guys on the team. Would you please double shift these five in the first period of every game to set the tone? Franzen, Filppula, Hudler, and Modano can't seem to show up on time, so let these guys get it done.
Phoenix is hungry and dangerous. You squeaked by them last year because Doan missed 4 of 7 games. You will not be so fortunate this year. Phoenix is a better team this year, and their young stars are emerging as dominant players (I'm looking at you, Yandle). They will roll you in four if you approach the first round of playoffs as you approached the second half of the regular season. Shape up and go Wings.
Yours in Gordie,