Ever spoken and wished you could take the words back, or that you could crawl into a hole?
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around, walked out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. Melinda Lowe, 39
---
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. I wanted to follow as best I could, so I asked my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. Kathy Newman, 46
---
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few snaps. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggested I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and discovered that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!
---
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me, without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." Colleen Collins, 31
---
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. Faye Emerick, 34
---
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter. Amy Richardson
---
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with toilet training and I was onto him constantly. One day we stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While eating my burger, I smelled something funny, so I checked my seven-month-old daughter but she was clean. I then realized that Danny had not been to the toilet in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have any clothes with me..." Then I asked, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled."SEE MUM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their burgers laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by telling me that they thought it was them.
---
This had a lot of viewers laughing for 2 days. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any??? A female news anchor, who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
------------------------------------------
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day. Carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!)
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see...... The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
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A happy, little fly was buzzing around a barn one day, when she happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.
She ate. And ate...and then .. she ate some more!!! Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.
She looked around, wondering what to do about the unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution!! She thought if she could just become airborne, she'd be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle.
Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and sprung confidently into the air.
She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor! Dead Fly....
The moral of this sad story?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of sh*t.
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Diary of an Irish Man Living in Canada
"OUR FIRST WINTER "
DEC 20th
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years the wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.
DEC 24th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.
DEC 26th
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish-grey.
JAN 1st
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my a * rse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.
JAN 5th
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of white sh * te last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush that b *stard snowplough came by twice today. Where's that bl * ody shovel?!
JAN 9th
More f *cking snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep fromf reezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the f *cking house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a f *cking deer on the way to casualty and was written off.
JAN 13th
F * king baxtered white sh * e just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little c * nts next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that carrot so far up the little p *icks a r* e it'll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the a *s ehole that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the ba *t ard hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael "f *c king" Schumacher and buries the f *c king driveway again.
JAN 17th
16 more sodding inches of fu *k ing snow and f* cking ice and f *c king sleet and god knows what other white sh * e fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick. Can't move my fu *k ing toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more f *c king snow forecast.
------------------------------------------
It's dark in here...
A housewife takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again and the mom's lover are again in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh!t again.
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The Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, some how swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little b******d. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to s**t out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
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Englishman,Australian,Frenchman
An Englishman, an Australian and an Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.
The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Australian was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back.
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Australian in horror he said
smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.
The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.
"Tie the Frenchman to my back."
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication, we do not even have a chicken.
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.
TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
KOFI ANAN
We have yet to pass a resolution commissioning the identification of this animal and it is far too early to discuss any road.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MARY WHITEHOUSE
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken? I don't remember a chicken
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chick book - and Internet Eggsplorer is an integral part of eChicken2003.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
What is your definition of chicken?
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
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Three Tortoises
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic.So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Roy give me the bottle opener' 'I didn't bring it' says Roy. 'I thought you packed it'. Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, 'Did you bring the bottle opener?'.
Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.
Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts.'
I KNEW IT! ...... I'M NOT F**KING GOING.'
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A.T.R
A man travelling on a plane needed to go to the gents, but every time he went there was someone else using it. after a while the flight attendant noticed his predicament and suggested he use the `ladies` but not to touch the buttons mounted on the wall.
He entered the ladies loo and took his seat upon looking around the cubicle he saw the buttons on the wall as below.
_______________
comfort panel
_______________
w.w. w.a.
_______________
p.p. a.t.r.
_______________
After a while curiosity got the better of him, so he pressed w.w. and a spray of warm water gently washed his bottom. this was marvellous he thought! So then pressed w.a. and out jetted warm air and dryed his bottom. Not to be outdone he decided to press p.p. and out popped a powder puff and powdered his bottom. He thought that the ladies really had it made for them so he pressed a.t.r. and promptly passed out.
Waking up later in hospital he asked the nurse what had happened? she said you pressed the a.t.r. button which means automatic tampon remover, your penis is under your pillow and your balls are under the bed in the bucket!
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around, walked out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. Melinda Lowe, 39
---
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. I wanted to follow as best I could, so I asked my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. Kathy Newman, 46
---
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few snaps. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggested I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and discovered that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!
---
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me, without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." Colleen Collins, 31
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My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. Faye Emerick, 34
---
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter. Amy Richardson
---
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with toilet training and I was onto him constantly. One day we stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While eating my burger, I smelled something funny, so I checked my seven-month-old daughter but she was clean. I then realized that Danny had not been to the toilet in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have any clothes with me..." Then I asked, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled."SEE MUM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their burgers laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by telling me that they thought it was them.
---
This had a lot of viewers laughing for 2 days. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any??? A female news anchor, who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
------------------------------------------
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day. Carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!)
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see...... The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
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A happy, little fly was buzzing around a barn one day, when she happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.
She ate. And ate...and then .. she ate some more!!! Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.
She looked around, wondering what to do about the unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution!! She thought if she could just become airborne, she'd be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle.
Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and sprung confidently into the air.
She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor! Dead Fly....
The moral of this sad story?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of sh*t.
------------------------------------------
Diary of an Irish Man Living in Canada
"OUR FIRST WINTER "
DEC 20th
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years the wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.
DEC 24th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.
DEC 26th
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish-grey.
JAN 1st
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my a * rse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.
JAN 5th
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of white sh * te last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush that b *stard snowplough came by twice today. Where's that bl * ody shovel?!
JAN 9th
More f *cking snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep fromf reezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the f *cking house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a f *cking deer on the way to casualty and was written off.
JAN 13th
F * king baxtered white sh * e just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little c * nts next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that carrot so far up the little p *icks a r* e it'll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the a *s ehole that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the ba *t ard hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael "f *c king" Schumacher and buries the f *c king driveway again.
JAN 17th
16 more sodding inches of fu *k ing snow and f* cking ice and f *c king sleet and god knows what other white sh * e fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick. Can't move my fu *k ing toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more f *c king snow forecast.
------------------------------------------
It's dark in here...
A housewife takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again and the mom's lover are again in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh!t again.
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The Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, some how swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little b******d. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to s**t out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
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Englishman,Australian,Frenchman
An Englishman, an Australian and an Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.
The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Australian was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back.
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Australian in horror he said
smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.
The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.
"Tie the Frenchman to my back."
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication, we do not even have a chicken.
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.
TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
KOFI ANAN
We have yet to pass a resolution commissioning the identification of this animal and it is far too early to discuss any road.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MARY WHITEHOUSE
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken? I don't remember a chicken
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chick book - and Internet Eggsplorer is an integral part of eChicken2003.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
What is your definition of chicken?
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
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Three Tortoises
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic.So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Roy give me the bottle opener' 'I didn't bring it' says Roy. 'I thought you packed it'. Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, 'Did you bring the bottle opener?'.
Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.
Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts.'
I KNEW IT! ...... I'M NOT F**KING GOING.'
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A.T.R
A man travelling on a plane needed to go to the gents, but every time he went there was someone else using it. after a while the flight attendant noticed his predicament and suggested he use the `ladies` but not to touch the buttons mounted on the wall.
He entered the ladies loo and took his seat upon looking around the cubicle he saw the buttons on the wall as below.
_______________
comfort panel
_______________
w.w. w.a.
_______________
p.p. a.t.r.
_______________
After a while curiosity got the better of him, so he pressed w.w. and a spray of warm water gently washed his bottom. this was marvellous he thought! So then pressed w.a. and out jetted warm air and dryed his bottom. Not to be outdone he decided to press p.p. and out popped a powder puff and powdered his bottom. He thought that the ladies really had it made for them so he pressed a.t.r. and promptly passed out.
Waking up later in hospital he asked the nurse what had happened? she said you pressed the a.t.r. button which means automatic tampon remover, your penis is under your pillow and your balls are under the bed in the bucket!