Planning for death of father?

[Imported]

Update: Father passed away May 13th, laid to rest yesterday May 29th. RIP dad.

My father has a few months left to live and my mother is taking it pretty hard. I've been somewhat prepared for this (his age, declining health and now second battle with cancer are all factors) so I'm trying to be there for support and not let emotions get the best of me. We're trying to get all the finances, health care, etc. mapped out to save time in the future so I'm trying my best to make a list of everything that might need to be done..

I know I need to find my father's discharge papers from the service for burial in a national cemetery. We've already executed a healthcare power of attorney and a financial durable power of attorney is coming soon. My father and mother have a will, but it probably needs updating so that'll have to be done. We have a hospice nurse who visits a few times a week.

Has anyone gone through something similar and know what other steps or things need to be done? I know I'm probably missing a few things.. and thanks in advance for any help.

 

[GrumpyMan]

Sounds like you have everything under control. My dad and mom both died of cancer....feel for ya. Just be there for your mom when it's time, she'll need you. Take care. I'm sorry I can't write anymore, I'm tearing up......

 

[skyking]

First of all, I am so sorry for your troubles. My wife and I have 4 parent's worth of experience with this.
You really do have the majority of those kinds of things listed there.
Of greater concern is how to make your father's remaining time as comfortable as possible.
1) Do not be afraid to ask for help of any kind. If there is even a small chance your father would benefit from it, ask his doctor, the hospice nurse, any home health care professional.
He may benefit from counseling, as would you and your mother.
2) Include him as much as you can in what you are doing.
3) Give yourself a break. This is incredibly hard.
4) Get your mom some time off too.

There is much more and I will add to this later.

 

[melly]

I am sorry for your situation.

To answer your question, you will also need tax records and benefits info from former employer (might fall under financials, but you will have to file a tax return for deceased members, deal with pensions if applicable); also, if your father owns any real estate in his name alone that will have to be dealt with if not specified in the will. It might help to make a list of any memberships he had to cancel them.

 

[Stifko]

3) Give yourself a break. This is incredibly hard.
4) Get your mom some time off too.

Those last 2 are important. Try to be there when he goes. I am sorry that I wasn't at my dad's side when he passed. He used to tell me that you can never really prepare for someone to left this world or for someone to enter it.

 

[Kreon]

First of all, I am so sorry for your troubles. My wife and I have 4 parent's worth of experience with this.
You really do have the majority of those kinds of things listed there.
Of greater concern is how to make your father's remaining time as comfortable as possible.
1) Do not be afraid to ask for help of any kind. If there is even a small chance your father would benefit from it, ask his doctor, the hospice nurse, any home health care professional.
He may benefit from counseling, as would you and your mother.
2) Include him as much as you can in what you are doing.
3) Give yourself a break. This is incredibly hard.
4) Get your mom some time off too.

There is much more and I will add to this later.

These 2 especially. You will likely not want to take a break (same with your mom). But you need to. You will crash and burn.

You should also find someone to help you (not necessarily a professional). When my dziadziu was dying, I depended heavily on my girlfriend for all sorts of things. A shoulder to cry on, someone to vent to, someone to go out with and try to get my mind off of it for a while.

I feel for you. Watching someone who raised you suffering sucks. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life, and I honestly fear the day when it happens to my parents.

1 of the things we did for my dziadziu was buy him a ton of old movies from his younger days and the uber digital cable package. Some of my best memories with him from that time were watching movies he watched when he was my age.

As far as the things under control: Does he want to be buried in a national cemetary? I only mention it because we assumed my dziadziu did as well, but when asked he wanted to be buried locally. He still had a full military funeral though.

Sorry there is no organization to this post. I just kind of blurted out my thoughts.

 

[Flash1969]

I lost my mom just over a year ago and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. We also knew it was coming and did all the things mentioned here, but you can't totally prepare for it. Even though I knew it was coming, it hit me like a ton of bricks when she actually passed. Obviously, I'm still devastated by it. I wish you the best and like has been said above, "Give yourself a break. This is incredibly hard. and get your mom some time off too." It's easy to forget to take care of yourself because you get so caught up in being there for everyone else. My thoughts are with you

 

[Gothgar]

Good luck, keep your head up,

 

[Dirigible]

What care does your father want? Make sure you know what he would want when he can no longer make his wishes known. Does he want a breathing tube? Does he want to be resucitated in case of ardiac arrest? Does he want to fight for an extra two weeks even if it means more pain?

My dad died of cancer last July. It totally sucked and continues to suck. The toughest part was telling the docs no breathing tube, no nothing, but to just make the end as quick and easy as possible.

 

[Geekbabe]

In terms of practical stuff you're going to want all his acct numbers & passwords from any/all bank accts, Credit cards etc, you'll also probably want access to any social networking accounts as well as a message (if any) that he'd want you to post after he passes.

 

[IEC]

Any NFA trusts or transferable machine guns? Make sure that kind of stuff gets properly transferred or taken care of ahead of time.

 

[JulesMaximus]

My Dad died December of 2010 after a long battle with diabetes. No matter how prepared you think you are it will still shock you when it happens and affect you in ways you never thought of.

All the material stuff is meaningless (by meaningless, I mean it pales in comparison to what you'll go through emotionally-it is important). Focus on family and being there for each other.

Sorry to hear you're going through that. Best wishes to you and your family.

 

[purbeast0]

i'm sorry to hear about your situation. personally if i were in your shoes, i'd spend as much time as i could with your father. my dad passed away totally unexpectedly and i hadn't seen or talked to him in about a month on 4th of july when we had a great last time together. im at least lucky to have some pictures of that time we hung out together.

the hardest part for me to this day is that i remember so vividly the day he died and exactly how it all went down, and how he looked in the hospital bed dead. i wish i could get that out of my mind and forget it. and the 3 or 4 days following are probably the toughest days of my life, but i tried to spend it with family as often as i could because that helped a lot. the times it really got to me after that was when i was alone and started thinking about stuff.

and you said that you don't want to let emotions take over. one word of advice i can give you is to LET them take over. if you feel like you need to let out emotions and cry, just do it. don't let it build up or try to hide it, it will only make it worse.

as others have said above, and as much as this sucks to hear, there is absolutely no way you can mentally/emotionally prepare for it and it is going to be extremely difficult. it helped me a lot to be around family after it happened. my dad has a huge family.

my dad passed august 2009 and to this day i still cry about it, and it feels good when i do. i mean i miss him, he's my dad. i also feel like i've gotten closer to my uncles since then, and it's kind of hard sometimes because one of them looks so much like my dad.

best of luck to you and your family.

 

[unokitty]

Imported,

Wanted to wish you luck. Its a tough situation. But it sounds like you are doing the best that you can.

Here is a link to the national archives where your Dad can request a copy of his DD-214 (Service Record).

http://www.archives.gov/veterans/military-service-records/

Uno

 

[janas19]

I feel for ya bro. Hope and pray for you and your father's inner peace.

 

[Modelworks]

I know I need to find my father's discharge papers from the service for burial in a national cemetery.

You need to do this ASAP, it isn't something that can be arranged quickly. For my dad we had to provide copies of the papers to the local marine base where he will be buried. The base here, camp lejune, has the provision to allow a space for the wife , so they can be buried next to each other , so that is something to talk about too. If your dad really likes the military one thing my dad really liked is the base sent the chaplin and some other volunteers to see him, they brought him a bunch of shirts and caps, etc and that made him feel really good that day.

I am going through the same thing right now. My dad is 82 and dying from COPD. Hospice comes to the home during the day and helps with things like bathing since he can't get out of the bed now. My mom is having a very hard time with it all because she said that even though hospice comes during the day it is the night that is the worst because she can't sleep well because my dad will often awake and start wanting something so she has to get back up.

It can be really hard, my dad was a different person a few months ago, now when I visit him he sometimes doesn't recognize me and even started yelling at me when I was giving him his pills because he said they were not the same ones he took earlier, even though they were. You just have to take a deep breath and a few minutes away from it all and remember the person they were before it got bad.

 

[EagleKeeper]

Imported,

Wanted to wish you luck. Its a tough situation. But it sounds like you are doing the best that you can.

Here is a link to the national archives where your Dad can request a copy of his DD-214 (Service Record).

http://www.archives.gov/veterans/military-service-records/

Uno

As an FYI

If you are not the veteran or next of kin, you must complete the Standard Form 180 (SF 180) PDF. See Access to Military Records by the General Public for more details.

 

[twinrider1]

Set up accounts as POD or joint. Transfer physical property. Do these things ASAP.

It's not a pleasant subject, but talk out all the financial details with him before he passes. Find out how he wants things handled. I was so thankful that my dad had everything arranged and we had spoken about it at length.

For anyone with a parent living in an apartment. Don't keep the important papers in the apartment. When a person passes, the apartment locks everything and only the executor is allowed access. Sounds cold, but they have to protect themselves.

 

[Imported]

Thanks for the kind words. I'll definitely be taking note of the advice given so far.

Concerning the service records, that it one thing I'm getting done ASAP. I have to double check how the local national cemeteries work, but from what I understand, its something I have to do after he passes and work out with a funeral home? There isn't a way to reserve space for the two local ones.

What care does your father want? Make sure you know what he would want when he can no longer make his wishes known. Does he want a breathing tube? Does he want to be resucitated in case of ardiac arrest? Does he want to fight for an extra two weeks even if it means more pain?

My dad died of cancer last July. It totally sucked and continues to suck. The toughest part was telling the docs no breathing tube, no nothing, but to just make the end as quick and easy as possible.

I'm sorry for your loss. My father doesn't want to be put on any machine and would rather it be as quick, painless and easy as possible. We went over this as a family when we were doing the end of life medical power and will respect his wishes. I believe there was a provision where even my mother can't go against that later on.

Any NFA trusts or transferable machine guns? Make sure that kind of stuff gets properly transferred or taken care of ahead of time.

Don't believe so. He only has a couple shotguns and a bolt-action rifle.

Set up accounts as POD or joint. Transfer physical property. Do these things ASAP.

The physical property (two homes, two cars) are in both my parents names. I believe my mother is the beneficiary in most of his accounts (mutual funds, stocks, etc.) or they are joint-owners, but that is something I'll have to discuss and research further.

 

[skyking]

My mother in law had a long battle with cancer. They had home health people, but my wife did a great deal of her mother's care. Too much of it, as it turns out.
We found out after the fact that we could have gotten more help, that is why I suggest to ask for anything that might help. You may get things you had not anticipated.

 

[KeithP]

My mother just passed away at the end of December from cancer (Dad still alive) so I know how you feel. Depending on your parents financial situation, you may want to look at a living trust.

http://www.calbar.ca.gov/Public/Pamphlets/LivingTrust.aspx

You might also want to find a good estate lawyer. There are some tax implications with a house and stock you need to be aware of...from: http://library.findlaw.com/1999/Jan/1/241495.html

With community property, even though 50 percent passes outright to the surviving spouse, both portions of the community property receive a stepped-up basis at the death of the first spouse. If a married couple owns a house worth $500,000 which has a tax basis of $45,000, the tax basis for the entire house (both community property shares) is stepped-up to $500,000 upon the death of the first spouse, and a later sale of the house for $560,000 will result in only $60,000 in gain. A sale of the house for the same amount prior to the death of the first spouse would have caused a $515,000 gain.

This works the same way with stocks.

-KeithP

 

[slightlyhuman]

=[

teared up reading this. my thoughts are with you OP.

 

[Zedtom]

The one thing I remember from my father's passing is the kindness shown by hospital staffers and the rude remarks from members of my family. I went around and apologized to employees who bore the brunt of anger and frustration from my relatives who were upset.

I can understand grief because I was feeling it too. I can also forgive my relatives for their hostility, but there is no call for unloading on the people who were just doing their jobs.

 

[BoomerD]

It sounds like most of the important things have already been covered, so I'll just toss in this.
No matter how well prepared you THINK you are for his passing, it will still hit you like a ton of bricks. The emotional hit is something that you just can't plan for.

Best wishes.

 

[Imported]

Just thought I'd give a quick update.. My father passed away on May 13th. Laid to rest yesterday at the national cemetery near Santa Nella. Been a crazy couple of weeks but much of the advice above helped a lot, so thank you.

Not a cloud in the sky yesterday. RIP dad.