Rate my poem!

[Gibsons]

work on the meter.

 

[DyslexicHobo]

What's the meter?

 

[MmmSkyscraper]

Originally posted by: dudeman007
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I think I'm in falling in love
so how bout teh sex?

ROFLMAO :thumbsup:

 

[Mo0o]

Originally posted by: DyslexicHobo
What's the meter?

The pace, number of syllables etc.

 

[DainBramaged]

Too mushy. I am getting my girlfriend whatever flavor ring she wants this Valentines day. And if she don't like her candy ring, she will still say she does unless she wants a face full of fist.

 

[Pepsi90919]

You are the best of the best, for that I'm sure

i'm a grammar nazi and this line isn't sitting well with me. take out 'for'.

otherwise, :thumbsup:

 

[ActuaryTm]

Originally posted by: Shame
Condensed version:

I stalked you once. I stalked you twice.
Your protective order ended thrice.
I dug a pit, I dug it deep.
If you come over, is where you'll sleep.

Very well may be the most creative (and accurate) poetic genius ever displayed in Off Topic.

 

[xirtam]

Every night while I lie in bed,
*Only thoughts of you run through my head
Each waking moment I think about you.
*And I wish you felt the same way I do. *

*I close my eyes and hear your beautiful voice, *
It would be all I heard if I had the choice.
Your gleaming eyes are filled with allure
*You're the best of the best, of that I'm sure *

*Though I have long desired to show you how I feel, *
*Fear of rejection places me on uneven keel*
*As I think of how it could be so nice, *
*I want to tell you, but then I think twice. *

I want the feeling to be mutual.
*I want more than an average dating ritual. *
I want our time to be exceptional,
*I want every moment to be memorable. *

My only desire for you and me
Is to be more than friends, with intimacy
It doesn't feel like my feelings and I will part.
So in this small box I give you the key to my heart.


===============================

My proposed changes are in the lines marked by stars
On either end, just don't tell her that you're from Mars
And she from Venus, for then she might flip out
And give you the finger, and then you'll strike out.

 

[pray4mojo]

Originally posted by: UbiSunt
Why Heroic couplets? An Italian sonnet would be more approapriate for the subject matter.

ababcdcdefefgg
abbaabbacdccdc

Write something with that rhyme scheme. Then you can have any girl you want.

 

[DyslexicHobo]

Originally posted by: xirtam
Every night while I lie in bed,
*Only thoughts of you run through my head
Each waking moment I think about you.
*And I wish you felt the same way I do. *

*I close my eyes and hear your beautiful voice, *
It would be all I heard if I had the choice.
Your gleaming eyes are filled with allure
*You're the best of the best, of that I'm sure *

*Though I have long desired to show you how I feel, *
*Fear of rejection places me on uneven keel*
*As I think of how it could be so nice, *
*I want to tell you, but then I think twice. *

I want the feeling to be mutual.
*I want more than an average dating ritual. *
I want our time to be exceptional,
*I want every moment to be memorable. *

My only desire for you and me
Is to be more than friends, with intimacy
It doesn't feel like my feelings and I will part.
So in this small box I give you the key to my heart.


===============================

My proposed changes are in the lines marked by stars
On either end, just don't tell her that you're from Mars
And she from Venus, for then she might flip out
And give you the finger, and then you'll strike out.

Thanks a lot for the help! I'll consider making some of those changes, they sound a lot better than the stuff I thought of.

And LoL at your little stanza at the end.

 

[nageov3t]

Originally posted by: suse920

Originally posted by: brigden
Shite.

indeed.

 

[DyslexicHobo]

Originally posted by: loki8481

Originally posted by: suse920

Originally posted by: brigden
Shite.

indeed.

That's fine if you think it's bad, can you at least tell me why?

 

[nageov3t]

Originally posted by: DyslexicHobo

Originally posted by: loki8481

Originally posted by: suse920

Originally posted by: brigden
Shite.

indeed.

That's fine if you think it's bad, can you at least tell me why?

cliche, rhyme scheme doesn't really work, most of the rhymes seems forced, and an erratic syllable pattern is a bad thing to have when writing couplets.

 

[Glitchny]

Originally posted by: loki8481

Originally posted by: DyslexicHobo

Originally posted by: loki8481

Originally posted by: suse920

Originally posted by: brigden
Shite.

indeed.

That's fine if you think it's bad, can you at least tell me why?

cliche, rhyme scheme doesn't really work, most of the rhymes seems forced, and an erratic syllable pattern is a bad thing to have when writing couplets.

I agree that some of the ryhmes seem forced, and I'm no a big fan of ryhming poems in general. But Im pretty sure she'll like it, even i its just the fact that u wrote it.

 

[TitanDiddly]

I know I?ll miss her later
Wish I could bend my love to hate her
Wish I could be her creator
To twist her arms now

She stares up at the stars when
The stars fell from her hair then
I bent down to collect them
And then she was gone

Oh I sleep just to dream her
I beg the night just to see her
That my only love should be her
Just to lie in her arms

Oh I came there to find out
Find out she made up her mind ohhhh
My arms are all tied up
To me she was blind

Mmmm this space between us
Where wingless dreams fall earless
Will you not bear me witness
With your back to me now
It seems so unnerving
Yet still somehow deserving
That she could hold my heart so tightly
And still not see me here

Oh I sleep just to dream her
Beg the night just to see her
That my only love should be her
Just to lie in her arms

I know I?ll miss her later
I wish I could bend my love to hate her
Wish I could be her creator
To be the light in her eyes

DMB

 

[DyslexicHobo]

I decided I didn't like that one set of lines so I changed it...

How's this sound if everything else is the same:

I'd like to have you by my side
All the time through changing tides
I promise our times will be so grand
We'll walk together hand in hand



It will replace the stanza starting with "I want the feeling to be mutual. "



Edit: Ehh... maybe I'm making too big of a deal of this. Forget it, I'll just change it and print.

 

[gwlam12]

some parts dont flow. read it aloud and fix it.

 

[EyeMWing]

Originally posted by: Mo0o
I am very angsty
So I write poems
Even though I can't.
But that's ok because
I just write a sentence
and randomly insert
returns. Wow I'm deep.

WORD!

 

[Lorn]

Just because it rhymes doesn't mean its a poem.

 

[Lorn]

PS. Don't give that to any girl. Ever.