Rate my poem!

[DyslexicHobo]

I never write poetry and I'm usually horrible at it, but I thought it'd be a nice gesture to write a poem for this girl I like for Valentine's day.

Could you guys give me some constructive criticism?


Every night while I lie in bed,
Only thoughts of you run through my head
Each waking moment I think about you.
I only wish you felt the way I do.

I can always imagine your beautiful voice,
It would be all I heard if I had the choice.
Your gleaming eyes are filled with allure
You are the best of the best, of that I'm sure

I've wanted to show you how I feel.
But with this rejection I cannot deal.
As I think of how it could be so nice,
I want to tell you, but then think twice.

I'd like to have you by my side,
All the time through changing tides.
I promise our times will be so grand,
We'll walk together hand in hand.

My only desire for you and me
Is to be more than friends, with intimacy.
It doesn't feel like my feelings and I will part,
So in this small box lies the key to my heart.


(Last line refers to a necklace that I'm giving her)

 

[Buttzilla]

how old are you?

 

[MartyMcFly3]

Not bad. I like this one though.

An angel?s smile is what you sell
You promise me heaven, then put me through hell
Chains of love got a hold on me
When passion?s a prison, you can?t break free

You?re a loaded gun
There?s nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done

Chorus:
Shot through the heart
And you?re to blame
You give love a bad name
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name
You give love a bad name

Paint your smile on your lips
Blood red nails on your fingertips
A school boy?s dream, you act so shy
Your very first kiss was your first kiss goodbye

You?re a loaded gun
There?s nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done

Chorus

 

[DyslexicHobo]

Originally posted by: Buttzilla
how old are you?

15

Edit: Yeah, that's probably why you think it sounds so tacky.

 

[brigden]

Shite.

 

[Buttzilla]

Originally posted by: DyslexicHobo

Originally posted by: Buttzilla
how old are you?

15

Edit: Yeah, that's probably why you think it sounds so tacky.

better then what i can do. just one thing. is she interested in you? you would definately know if she's interested or not. if not, your just asking for a rejection so don't waste your time or money. if she is, you still don't need to do this. go out, grab her hand and if she doesn't let go then your money.

most important thing...act natural. Like you know what you want.

 

[TechBoyJK]

Originally posted by: DyslexicHobo
I never write poetry and I'm usually horrible at it, but I thought it'd be a nice gesture to write a poem for this girl I like for Valentine's day.

Could you guys give me some constructive criticism?


Every night while I lie in bed,
You're the only thing that runs through my head.
Each waking moment I think about you.
I only wish you felt the way I do.

I like you because of your beautiful voice,
It would be all I heard if I had the choice.
Your gleaming eyes are filled with allure
You are the best of the best, for that I'm sure

I've wanted to show you how I feel.
But with this rejection I cannot deal.
As I think how it could be so nice,
I want to tell you, but then think twice.

I want the feeling to be mutual.
I want more than the norm dating ritual.
I want our time to be exceptional,
And every moment be memorable.

My only desire for you and me
Is to be more than friends, with intimacy
It doesn't feel like my feelings and I will part.
So in this small box I give you the key to my heart.


(Last line refers to a necklace that I'm giving her)

Not bad, I'm 24 and I can relate....

 

[aplefka]

:thumbsup: :thumbsup:

 

[Jpark]

not bad

 

[Jpark]

Originally posted by: Buttzilla

Originally posted by: DyslexicHobo

Originally posted by: Buttzilla
how old are you?

15

Edit: Yeah, that's probably why you think it sounds so tacky.

better then what i can do. just one thing. is she interested in you? you would definately know if she's interested or not. if not, your just asking for a rejection so don't waste your time or money. if she is, you still don't need to do this. go out, grab her hand and if she doesn't let go then your money.

most important thing...act natural. Like you know what you want.

i used to always write a song for a girl. seemed to work for me

 

[Mo0o]

I am very angsty
So I write poems
Even though I can't.
But that's ok because
I just write a sentence
and randomly insert
returns. Wow I'm deep.

 

[DyslexicHobo]

Hmm better replies than I thought. :-D

As for whether or not she's interested, I'm not really sure. I'm hoping this will show her that I really like her, she's really into literature and poetry so I think she'll really appreciate this.

And a song... Heh, I have enough trouble writing a poem, but giving it a melody too!? All that beside the fact that I can't sing.

 

[Shame]

Condensed version:

I stalked you once. I stalked you twice.
Your protective order ended thrice.
I dug a pit, I dug it deep.
If you come over, is where you'll sleep.

 

[DyslexicHobo]

Originally posted by: Shame
Condensed version:

I stalked you once. I stalked you twice.
Your protective order ended thrice.
I dug a pit, I dug it deep.
If you come over, is where you'll sleep.

Hahahahaha

 

[suse920]

Originally posted by: brigden
Shite.

 

[UbiSunt]

Why Heroic couplets? An Italian sonnet would be more approapriate for the subject matter.

 

[z0mb13]

Originally posted by: DyslexicHobo

Originally posted by: Shame
Condensed version:

I stalked you once. I stalked you twice.
Your protective order ended thrice.
I dug a pit, I dug it deep.
If you come over, is where you'll sleep.

Hahahahaha

ROFLMAO!!

 

[genci88]

emo

 

[DyslexicHobo]

Originally posted by: UbiSunt
Why Heroic couplets? An Italian sonnet would be more approapriate for the subject matter.

Riiiight.... :-/ Whatever you say.

 

[shilala]

10/10. I think I'm in love.

 

[tyler811]

Originally posted by: aplefka
:thumbsup: :thumbsup:

 

[dudeman007]

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I think I'm in falling in love
so how bout teh sex?

 

[thegimp03]

that's a good poem man...

 

[HomeBrewerDude]

sounds like it will serve its function as a sentamentally nice way of saying that you want to have sex.

just don't try to publish it somewhere...like on the internet.

 

[DyslexicHobo]

Originally posted by: HomeBrewerDude
sounds like it will serve its function as a sentamentally nice way of saying that you want to have sex.

just don't try to publish it somewhere...like on the internet.

Ehhh, it doesn't really sound like I'm just trying to get her in bed does it? That's not what I was going for... :/