Religion in a Relationship (little long)

[Facin]

Probably not the right forum, but I was interested in what some of your opinions are.

I have recently started getting serious with a girl I know. We have been friends for a while and we communicate very well. For some reason though, our conversations always skirted around religion. I knew she was very religious (Christianity in this case), but she is one of those people who do not feel it is there place to try to win other people over to their religion. Since I am pretty much agnostic, I don't ever bring the subject up.

She had never asked me what my religion was because I am for the most part a pretty decent guy and I grew up in a somewhat religious atmosphere.

Regardless, she is really in love with me, but we ran into a stumbling block. She finally asked me what I really felt about God. I went on to tell her that at this point of my life, it wasn't my central focus and that I did not believe in any particular god. I told her that when I was growing up I had always told what I was supposed to believe and somewhere in highschool I decided that I wasn't going to believe something I didn't have a personal conviction for.

Anyway, when she heard that, she kind of got silent and started to tear up a bit. She then went on to tell me that she didn't know if she could go out with someone who didn't share her core beliefs. She is really torn right now because she really loves me, but she doesn't want this to be a problem down the road.

It is kind of ironic that this should occur. My mom has always gotten on me when I didn't date girls who were Christians, but now that I am, the girl doesn't know if she can date me.

Anyway, I would love to hear others experiences with similar situations. Do you people think it is wise to continue in a relationship like this. This is the first time I have been in one where it was an issue.

Thanks
(sorry for the length)

 

[Pastfinder]

Been there. I too am agnostic, but not in the literal sense. I believe in a god, but not a damning god and not a gracious god, just god. I have tried to date several girls over the years who turned out to be either Mormon, southern baptist or born-again christians. I am roman catholic but I do not practice whatsoever. I was brought up in an environment that religion is an individual thing and that it should be kept to one's self, not spread out to the masses.

My advice is to sit down with her and just talk about things. Not practicing but respecting someone's religion is different from shunning it altogether.

Well, that's my two cents, hang in there.

 

[Elledan]

First, this is the right forum for threads like this

Second, I suggest you to talk to this girl. Both of you must be able to come to some kind of agreement.

 

[Dunbar]

Sit down with her and ask her to explain why this is an issue. Up to this point it was not an issue and she obviously is the kind of live-and-let-live person. I think it's really a trivial point, especially since she let the relationship go this far without addressing it. It would be a real shame to end it just because of this but the ball is in her court.

 

[Nemesis77]

Religion... There should be a law against it.

Seriously. Respecting ones beliefs is extremely important. I'm agnostic myself, and I have sometimes been approached by religious people who want to "spread the faith". I usually listen to what they have to say, and then I explain my point of view. I respect their beliefs, and usually they respect mine. I have few times ran into situations where they have been judging me based on the fact that I don't share their beliefs.

As for the situation at hand. Talk with her. Ask her that does she love you. If she does, then what does it matter what you believe? Would the fact that you are agnostics REALLY change anything? I could see myself fall in love with religious girl. Love does not need religion! If I fell in love with a religious girl, I would love her for what she is. I would not think "she's wonderful and I love her! If only she wasn's so religious...".

The point is, she fell in love with you. And being agnostic is part of what you are. If you were religious, it could be that she wouldn't have fallen in love with you. You are what you are, and she fell in love with you. And being agnostic is part of who you are.

People should be judged based on their actions, not their beliefs.

Sorry, I switched to rant-mode occasionally...

 

[Platypus]

That sucks man, the forces of nature vs the forces of evil---er religion.

 

[Keego]

I'm going to run into this situation when I go back to school

 

[yellowperil]

If she is a really committed Christian it's going to be tough. Believing in different things while being friends isn't that difficult, because your lifestyles don't intertwine like they do in serious relationships. If she wants to share something from her Christian experience, whereas with another Christian she could bond, in your case it might spark off a debate.

 

[Dedpuhl]

If she was that heartbroken when you told her your beliefs, then It will be a long and rocky road for the relationship...

 

[Stark]

A general rule concerning dating/marriage for a Christian single is:


<< 2 Corinthians 6:14 Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? >>


Why not try going to church with her sometime and check out her core beliefs first hand?

 

[yellowperil]

He mentioned that he grew up in a religious atmosphere. I'm sure he is already acquainted first-hand with Christian doctrine. That holier-than-thou attitude offends me, too. I see no more lawlessness or darkness in myself than any other Christian.

 

[Stark]

<< That holier-than-thou attitude offends me, too. >>


Whose attitude, mine or the Apostle Paul's?

 

[Elita1]

Relationships can work even though there are different beliefs about religion.

However it's not easy and it takes a very deep level of commitment, understanding, open-mindedness and a bit of compromise.
Your ages and stage in life is important here.
If you are both seriously considering marriage then you DEFINITELY have to talk things, out, not only in the issue of religion, but all issues in life, and the life of a couple.

I say you both talk honestly to eachother and go from there. Only you and your g/f can determine what the best path to take is.

To be a bit encouraging, my in-laws have been married about 30 years or so now and one is a devout catholic and the other is agnostic. They were able to work through their differences and still find core beliefs that they had in common.
A solid friendship is also a good foundation, and a vital component.

Anyhoo, hope things work out!

And NO this is the WRONG forum to ask such things, but hey, we all like to try and help out anyways

 

[Elledan]

The 'rules' written in ANY 'holy' book shouldn't be taken literally. Times have changed since they were written down.

Anyway, somebody who is so absorbed by such an idea (a religion) could just as well be dead. S/he is unable to learn something new, unable to experience something different. They're the most extreme example of closes-mindedness.

 

[yellowperil]

The Apostle Paul's. He has probably done more to the subjugation of women in Western society than anyone.

 

[Stark]

<< He has probably done more to the subjugation of women in Western society than anyone. >>


More than Mohammed? Please elaborate.

 

[yellowperil]

<<

<< He has probably done more to the subjugation of women in Western society than anyone. >>


More than Mohammed? Please elaborate. >>



I am not sure about other societies where Mohammed may be more influential, but in the West it's always been about wives submitting to their husbands, husbands being the head of the house, blah blah. Paul in particular seems to have some sort of harbored vengeance against women (he remained a bachelor and encouraged other men to do the same). Of course when it's in the Bible, people take it for undisputed authority, and given the scope of Judeo-Christian influence in this society, you can imagine the impact it has had.

 

[Dually]

Well this is more of an issue for her than you. With the kind of requirment she has it is going to be more dificult to find someone. There isn't much u can do here in my view. This is soemthing she is has known about you but been in denial.

 

[Elita1]

Guys, for those of you who are handing out the anti-religion slurs, this is not a &quot;who's right&quot; fest.
The guy asked for relationship help. If you don't know about relationships with different beliefs then please quit posting crap.

Edit: a hearty thanks to those who are trying to help this guy

 

[yellowperil]

Sorry for posting crap in your thread, Facin.

 

[Jothaxe]

Facin,

The relationship I am in is similar to what you describe. My girlfriend is Christian, and I am agnostic. We have been together for several years now though, and have had many opportunities for lengthy discussions about god/religion. In our case we are able to respect each others beliefs and this difference is not a source of conflict in our relationship. I hope this is still true after we have a kid or two.

I would say much of the future of your relationship with this girl depends on how tolerant you both are. If she feels like she has to convert you then this will definately be a source of conflict. Like some others have said, you two need to sit down and have a serious talk about this, and about whether you two are compatable in the long run. If you are both totally honest, and it turns out that it just wont work then at least you gave it your best shot.

I think the worst case scenario is that one of you agrees to accept the other person's beliefs without really holding those beliefs. This may solve the problem in the short-term, but eventually the problem will just return in the future, and usually ten times worse. Dont let this happen whatever you do!

I find it sad that some people who really love each other learn that they are not compatible because of religion. I believe this speaks very poorly of religion. Hopefully your relationship will not be an example of this phenomenon.

best wishes,
-jothaxe

 

[bamboozled]

I was going to mention a quote from the Bible, but I see Stark mentioned the one I had in mind. Anyhow, let me tell you a story about a similar situation that I experienced.

There is a girl that I'm very good friends with now but things weren't peachy between us at the start. When we started to become friends three years ago, she was a devout Christian while I was just beginning to learn the faith. We started to become attracted to each other and things were going great between us, but one day we had a talk and she told me that she wanted to just be good friends and not have a relationship possibly ruin it. I was confused, b/c I liked her A LOT and I know she felt the same. It made sense not to ruin the friendship that we had, but she never really explained to me why she didn't want to pursue an intimate relationship with me. We seemed very suitable for each other, but she felt something wasn't right.

I find out a few weeks later as I stumble across the passage (that Stark mentioned) just why she didn't want to date. We had a talk and she told me that was the reason, she told me that she couldn't see herself dating me as I was. She went on to tell me that she will only date people that she could possibly see herself marrying and b/c I wasn't a knowledgable disciple yet, she couldn't see herself with me.

It hurt like no other pain I can describe. To be told that you aren't good enough for someone else that you deem as your equal really hurts. It took me a long time to not be bitter, but things are great between us. She isn't a potential partner now, but just a great friend.

So, to make my point clear. If she is strongly convicted, she will do what God says and things will not work out for you guys in the short term. But who knows, maybe that will affect your faith in some way and you will explore Christianity b/c of what occurs. Who knows, God works in mysterious ways sometimes. Just be honest with yourselves and ask her what she wants, let her make the decision. It's a matter of faith that she must question.

Hope that helps.

 

[ThisIsMatt]

Whatever you do, don't try to change the way either of you are (pull her away from her beliefs or you yourself accept her beliefs - accepts as in &quot;believe&quot. If either of you changes solely for the relationship, it's going to be fake and come back to bite you. Personally I would say that the outcome doesn't look to be in your favor. If she really is a die hard Christian, she knows that their are scriptures that warn against marrying outside of Christianity. I wouldn't be surprised it she rejected you for a serious relationship and rather just stuck by you as a friend, trying to see if you'd ever &quot;come around&quot;.

Not trying to be mean or anything, just saying it how I see it...

 

[Optimus]

Sigh, can no one mention the word &quot;religion&quot; in a thread without people starting in on bashing or fighting about whether religion is true, etc? Sheesh, guys - go start a new thread bashing/debating Christianity.

Facin didn't come in here asking for help on faith, he asked for help in dealing with his relationship issue.
Saying &quot;Religion suckz!&quot; helps him none at all.

Facin:

Relationshipsare about comprimise. My Mom is devout Roman Catholic and my dad is agnostic/atheist. My brother is RC and his wife isn't. When the focus of a relationship is love and understanding, then any difference can usually be handled. Just be open, understanding, and respectful of her beliefs and she should be the same way to yours. Then be ready to comprimise some things that she can't - i.e. raising the kids with religion, etc. If you are OK with her teaching the kids her faith and taking them to church, etc then everything else is just ball bearings.

Atheist with Muslim, Christian with Catholic, Jewish with Buhddist - if understanding and comprimise can take prescedence, and if the unbendable bits (raising the children, etc) can co-exist, then it can work out fine.

Just communicate, communicate, communicate and try to discuss the important stuff now, rather than be surprised later.

Good luck!

 

[slipperyslope]

I have some advice....

I dated a VERY religious woman a few years back. I have been atheist for a while and the entire time I dated this woman. I went to church with her and that made her happy for a while. We were pretty deeply in love and I enjoyed every second of my relationship. Eventually a time came when she realized that I wasn't going to change my mind in respect to God by going to church with her. Every sin she committed in our relationship she started to blame on me. She basically got to the point were she blamed me for everything that had gone wrong in the relationship.

She just couldn't handle that I wasn't a Christian like her. It hurt me a lot because I loved this woman.

I think you should have a good long talk about her beliefs and how you fit in before you decide anything. You do not want her to start blaming crap on you. I am not saying she will but trust me, if you do anything with her(like have sex) where both of you agree to it then she will most likely want to blame you for it later on in the relationship.

The relationship can work, but she will have to keep an open-mind. You will also but I assume if you are willing to accept her beliefs then you just have to hope she will truly accept yours.

Jim