For a season with so much promise, it was only natural that the players tried to derail momentum with about 300 arrests this summer. My favorite one happened when Damon Stoudamire was allegedly carrying pot through an airport detector. They asked him to empty his pockets, so Stoudamire placed the weed (wrapped in tinfoil) in one of those little buckets, along with his cell phone, car keys, wallets and everything else. The NBA ... it's FANNNNN-tastic! I love this game!
One thing's for sure: Utah will be the worst team in the West. They're brutal. A guy named "Arroyo" replaced Stockton -- I had to look up his first name on the internet. Their big off-season move was Keon Clark, who went to college in Vegas (UNLV), then played for Toronto, Sacramento and now Utah. No wonder he keeps getting busted for pot; he's probably clinically depressed. Greg Ostertag and Jarron Collins share the center position; this could be the team that yields Shaq's first 100-point game. Your go-to guys this season? Andrei Kirilenko and Matt Harpring.
What a ghastly bunch. If you could wager on "Number of total Utah wins" vs. "Number of weeks before Sloan is sobbing at his retirement press conference," which one would you take?
After a Clippers practice last February, Jimmy Kimmel's show filmed a bit where Quentin Richardson rated his teammates' cars. Well, I happened to be there. Searching for participants, we approached Andre Miller, who was untying his sneakers at the time. After we explained how the piece was called "The Cars of the LA Clippers," Miller scowled and said, "Man, I ain't doin' sh*t for the Clippers!" Then he stormed off.
I mention that story for three reasons. One, it was one of the highlights of my year. If I could go back and make "Man, I ain't doin' sh*t for the Clippers!" my high school yearbook quote, I would. Second, no moment sums up last year's Clippers better than that one. And third, there were three unhappy guys on last year's team -- Miller, Lamar Odom and Michael Olowokandi -- and they're all gone.
Seattle Sonics - Here's a team built along the lines of George Karl's old Bucks teams, but with one crucial difference: They're playing in the West. I can follow that sentence up with 20 paragraphs, or I can follow it up with four words. I'm choosing the four words. Here they are:
That's not gonna work.
Can you imagine? Behind-the-scenes in the Blazers Training Camp? I think I would have to be sedated before every episode. Remember my "How Much Would You Pay?" game? I'm not kidding ... I think I would pay five grand for ten episodes of "Blazers 420," or whatever they would end up calling it. Can't this happen? This week on an emotional episode of "Blazers 420," Ruben Patterson loses his electronic tracking bracelet in Seattle. Really, can't this happen? Why spend all the money on "Playmakers" when they could have just gotten the real thing?
(And speaking of TV networks, why hasn't E! run an E! True Hollywood Story about the Blazers yet? They're doing Jenna Jamison, Corey Haim, the cast of "Melrose Place" ... what would be better than a two-hour Blazers show, with re-enactments and everything? We could have segments on Arvydas's wife, Randolph sucker-punching Patterson, Rasheed and Stoudamire getting arrested, the fans turning on them ... who wouldn't watch this? Seriously, why am I always the one who has to suggest these things?)
T?wolves - During a preseason feature this week, SportsCenter called these guys "T-mendous!" I love dopey graphics like that. If I worked for them, I'd be sitting around praying for Marshall Faulk and Kevin Faulk to rush for 150 yards on the same day, just so I could write the graphic "ClusterFaulk!" Anyway, I'm not sure about Team T-Mendous. They brought in two proven playoff guys (Cassell and Spree), changed centers (the Kandi Man for Rasho) and even signed Fred Hoiberg and Mark Madsen so Wally Z had buddies to hang out with.
On paper, everything makes sense ... but can you really slap NBA teams together like roto teams?
Rockets - And then Yao came to town. So what does Rudy do? Instead of revolving the offense around Yao, he keeps playing that same freewheeling style. Yao never gets the ball. The best passing center since Walton ... and he's an afterthought in the half-court offense. Go figure. Meanwhile, Mobley and Francis are still doing their run-and-gun thing, and poor Yao's pining for the old days on the Chinese National Team. The whole situation was so mindbogglingly stupid and improbable, Houston's front office pushed Rudy T out the door last summer. And rightfully so.
Did the whole thing change Rudy T's place in history? Yeah, I think so. Can somebody be a Hall of Famer when they can't figure out how to use the next Bill Walton? If Jeff Van Gundy was smart enough to flee New York two years ago, he'll know how to use Yao -- run every halfcourt play through him, spread the floor, keep sending cutters through the lane. If they double-team him, Yao will pick the defense apart. And once the guards learn to take off on rebounds, it will be the '77 Blazers all over again. Rudy T should have known better.
One more thing, and I can't emphasize this strongly enough: This is THE sleeper in the West. Maybe Jimmy Jackson won't fit in; maybe Stevie Francis won't like playing second fiddle; maybe Eric Piatkowski will battle bouts of loneliness on the road; maybe Yao played too many games this summer; maybe Eddie Griffin will be a David Lee Roth-level distraction; and maybe Moochie chopping his afro was a bad omen. But no other Western upstart has a higher ceiling. If the Rockets are running on all cylinders, would you want to play them in the first round? Me neither.
Dallas - And Antoine Walker ... believe me, I watched him for seven years straight. He can't get to the line. He can't score down low against any above-average defender (Kenyon Martin simply demolished him last May). He launches an utterly ludicrous amount of threes. Statistically, he's a 38-percent shooter who took an astounding 1,554 shots to score 1,570 points last season. Think about that for a second. For instance, Duncan took 1,374 shots to score 1,884 points, and Nowitzki took 1,489 shots to score 2,011 points. Walker barely averaged one point per shot. Was there a less efficient All-Star in the league?
Now throw this in: He's a below-average defender. He stopped rebounding about three years ago. Maybe he'll make "SportsCenter" with an occasional highlight pass, but you won't see the three other passes he bounced off the basket support that same night. And he was such a dominant personality in Boston, his teammates tuned him out after awhile -- did you notice how none of the Celtics spoke up against the trade (not even Paul Pierce or Jim O'Brien)?
Antoine's best quality doubled as his worst quality: His unwavering belief that he's the best player on the floor in every game. That's fine when you're playing in Boston, but watch what happens in Dallas -- in close games, much like Van Exel did last spring, he'll keep launching shots that should have gone to better scorers. Eventually, Nelson won't play him in crunch time anymore, which will destroy Twan because A.) he needs numbers (it's a contract year for him); and B.) he won't handle being an afterthought on a 60-win team. I already feel bad for him and the season hasn't even started yet.
On a bigger stage, I just feel that Twan's considerable flaws will be magnified for everyone to see. It's too bad. He really does care. He just isn't nearly as good as he thinks. In theory, he's perfect for them -- someone who can handle the ball, score down low against the right matchups, drain an occasional big three, and provide some of that swagger that Van Exel gave them. I just don't think Twan will accept being a complementary player. After watching him for his entire career, including about 200 games in person, I feel pretty safe making that statement.
As for the Mavericks, it's all relative: Any team with Nowitzki, Nash, Finley and six decent teammates is going to win 60, and any team that can play Walker, Jamison and Travis Best against everyone else's second string has an enormous advantage in this league. But they will never, ever, EVER beat a Lakers team with a motivated, ticked-off Shaq. Not in this lifetime.
Lakers - * I think GP will have a bigger impact on this team than Malone. Remember, Payton never played with a true center before -- he's going to have the Ashton Kutcher "I Can't Believe I'm Sleeping With Demi Moore" Face going for 82 games. And none of the Lakers have ever played with a real point guard before -- do you realize how many fast breaks they missed out on over the last five years? Also, they always had trouble defending opposing point guards -- GP solves that immediately. Even though he isn't a stopper like he was in the mid-'90's, you won't see Bibby and Parker running amok anymore.
* Here's how Malone fits in: Filling the lane on fast breaks, banging home open 18-footers, giving them a post-up game when Shaq is resting, and tossing an occasional elbow into somebody's mug. Not a bad way to wind up a career. Maybe they'll miss Horry's three-point range, but Mailman gives them a different look. Whether he will have a "Clyde Drexler on the '95 Rockets" effect remains to be seen -- anything less will always feel like a pseudo-ring for him. Just ask Steve Smith.