So my girlfriend of 8.5 years decided to break up on Sunday

[mrchan]

Sorry man, just try and move on. Definitely don't stay in contact with her though, this email, snail mail, text message thing won't help things at all.

 

[SirChadwick]

Just be glad you didn't marry her and then find all of this out. That's what happens in too many relationships today. I wish you the best of luck and know things will work out for you. Hang tough.

 

[psteng19]

Originally posted by: DainBramaged
Does anyone really blame her for putting her career first? If I had a girl say, "Stay with me or go do your career," I'd be out of that relationship fast. I would *never* sacrifice my career for a woman.

I take it you've never truely loved a woman.

 

[Stuxnet]

Originally posted by: Slappy00
Hero is right, a lot of good girls have already been picked over

Bull. Nothing personal against Hero, but he sounds like he's talking from a perspective of failure. I'm a year older than you and I live in a rather typical city. There are single women everywhere. It might seem like there are fewer, but that's because you don't know how to spot them.

Picking up a 27 year old woman is a little different than picking up a 17 year old girl. Most of them are pretty much done with the games by then, and there are no more (statistically significant) women who are tied down at your age than there were when you were in high school. The only difference is the terminology. What was once "exclusively dating" is now "marriage".

So what.

In fact, one thing you'll probably be pleasantly surprised by is the fact that most 27 year old single women are tired of trying to cut through all the bullsh*t. If you're a guy with a longterm relationship as a goal, you're not a "player", and you're confident, then the type of woman you're looking for will be much simpler to find.

One thing to keep in mind is that you are ALWAYS "on display". Supermarkets, Blockbuster Video, gas stations... they're all fair game. If you see someone you're attracted to and they're not flashing that ring finger, start up a conversation. You'd be amazed by how receptive they are. I'm an average looking guy with an average build, and I have to be careful from time to time. Women our age are looking for the same thing you are: a partner who's confident, fun, and REAL.

Be those things EVERYWHERE.

 

[Slappy00]

Does anyone really blame her for putting her career first? If I had a girl say, "Stay with me or go do your career," I'd be out of that relationship fast. I would *never* sacrifice my career for a woman.

Relationships are a series of compromises, careers are no exception. Sometimes you have to think of the relationship first, careers can be accomplished at anytime in your life. In any event she could have started her career up here also (with a bit more work), but she took the easy (and selfish) way out. Can you blame her? Yes, yes i can.

 

[jjones]

Originally posted by: Red Dawn

Originally posted by: HeroOfPellinor
What really sucks is that you're now 27 and the pool of quality available women is gonna be a LOT slimmed down from when you were 19.

Actually his chances of finding a mate whose best suited for him is probably better than it was when he was 19. A lot of those women he missed out when he was 19 are still around, just more mature now and ready to be in a commited relationship

My point is, that you've probably squandered your window of opportunity as far as real love goes. Maybe not, but probably.

And you know this how?

If there is someone out there she'll probably find you and it'll be when you don't expect it.

Finally some advice from you that's worthwhile.[/quote]
Couldn't agree more Red; Hero's post is complete nonsense. I didn't get married until I was 35 and dated like mad up until that time; I could have easily kept on going if I hadn't decided to finally settle down. My experiences during my late 20's and early 30's was lots of fun and definately no shortage of quality women. And I can tell you one thing for sure, the sex is sure a hell of a lot better.

 

[Ausm]

Love = Sux

Lust = Rulez


Ausm

 

[tk149]

Sorry to hear that, Bro. Be strong.

Lots of good advice (and not-so-good advice) in this thread.

My opinion: Walk away, cut ALL contact. She's already written you off. I was in a somewhat similar situation, and let me just say that you're better off walking away now. Forever.

Let me break the bad news: She's probably already banged another guy.

I'm sorry, I hate to say it, but you have to assume the worst. It'll help you get over her faster.

Good luck to you.

 

[MisterJackson]

Op, that pain you speak of is nothing to be ashamed of (or consider yourself to be emo over ), it's natural. It's good that you have fam and friends for support, otherwise it makes it that much harder. I lost my wife and son (4 years together total) and I honestly didn't think I'd make it. I'm prone to depression to begin with and we didn't "talk" about things in my family. My friends were as supportive as they could be, but weren't much help outside of being there for me to ask me out drinking most every night. That led to a really bad pattern and a downward spiral.

Spiritualy, physically, emotionally, all the "ly's"....I was tapped. Worst of all, my ex was doing some really stupid sh1t and my son suffered as a result. She kept him from me at every chance she got or used him to manipulate me. I thought I would die from the pain. My BP was through the roof, I was having panic attacks, and losing weight like crazy.

Somehow though I made it. Looking back it's hard to remeber that pain as I think I've blocked a good bit of it and I think thats just how I coped. When I hit rock bottom I decided it was time to quit feeling sorry for myself and thinking the "wrongs would right themselves". I took control finally and fought for full custody of my son with everything I had. I won too (after getting a better attorney, my first divorce attorney told me we shouldn't even bother fighting for custody because "guys just didn't get custody nowadays").

Now, years later, my life is great. I own a semi successful business (still in my first year), have my son full time (his mom see's him maybe once every few months if he's lucky), and I feel good about myself and my future finally.

Maybe I'm off topic here, but my point is, no matter how bad it "hurts" you will one day look back on this as a distant memory.

You sound like a cool dude with a bit of common sense, I'm sure the loss is hers.

 

[AgentEL]

Don't have a long, drawn-out break up. Save some self-respect and dignity for yourself and just break it off clean.

 

[secretanchitman]

ouch. im sorry man. 8.5 years is a damn lot of time. and i thought 2.5 years in mine was a lot.

im sure she dumped a great guy. its totally her loss.

hope things work out for you and her. who knows...maybe she'll realize what a stupid mistake she did and come back to you! after being together that long, im sure she'll think about how the guy she will (maybe who knows) date is nothing compared to you.

again, im truly sorry.

 

[Slappy00]

Pix (with proper editing in case you might know her(which i doubt unless you went to WIU in Macomb circa 98-02 or SHG in Springfield circa 93-97)) and protect me from slander (or is it libel i donno)) for all the jackals, and more stuff when i get home (around 1730 CST).

My opinion: Walk away, cut ALL contact. She's already written you off. I was in a somewhat similar situation, and let me just say that you're better off walking away now. Forever.

that seems like the way to go I don't see how contact will make this any better, but some people will say that I should keep some sort of communication open to her in case she wants to talk.

I do need to wrtie her a letter of some sort to let her know what the deal is, dont want to be too big of an a-hole about it though, I mean there were good times, its not like a nightmare is ending or anything. And maybe finish it up with one of those timeless quotes like "They say that we destroy the things we love, but really the things we love destroy us" (Oscar Wilde for those that don't know).

Or i could just put somethign like : "You suck, ktxgr8" which will leave her scratching her head (she is one of those "nature" girls, who have a hard time believing that computers do more than write papers and download music). I donno though she might wise up and send me a letter back with "Ev, you teh one that got served. Pwnd nubboots". Heh if that happened then I could leave her with a smile on my face.

Meh I donno, but I'm sure the collective minds of ATOT can think up something

 

[Stuxnet]

It's not a matter of being an "a-hole". Cutting off contact in this situation isn't about exacting revenge. It's about doing what's necessary for yourself. It's about doing whatever it takes to move on as quickly as possible. If an unintended side effect of that is she thinks you're being a jerk, who gives a sh*t. You weren't doing it to hurt her, and you know that. Whether she knows that is her problem, not yours.

Fix "you" first. Worry about her later... or better yet, not at all.

 

[ckk81]

Originally posted by: AUMM
whatever you do, do NOT hang around as a backup for her....go out and try to meet someone else

indeed...

 

[t4t3r]

don't even bother with all that man. like someone else said, get rid of anything and everything that reminds you of her. don't try to contact her or anything as it will make it worse and lengthen the grieving process. she will either be the first to talk to you, or she's really gone and it will save you the trouble.

it's going to suck for awhile, make no mistake about it. however, the sooner you start realizing that it's her loss, the quicker you will get over her. spend some time on yourself - get back into your hobbies or make some new ones, spend time with friends and family, etc etc. take this as an opportunity to do your own thing and just enjoy life.

 

[thoro86]

hang out w/ some other girls, have relationship. She'll be back later...or not....

 

[zebano]

Hangin there man.

First off, cutting contact and doing whats right for yourself is very important. The simple reason is you have to regain your self-confidence before you head into a new relationship. I agree with the letter writing, but you don't necicarily need to send it. Journaling is (for me) very cathartic. I have never dated a girl for more than 5 months that I didn't marry, but one of them was a great friend for 1.5 years until we dated, after that we didn't speak at all and if I had my way, I would have sat in bed for weeks.

My only advice is to figure out what you want to do with your new life and attack it head on. True love is available at any age if your open to it. Just don't rush things.

 

[Slappy00]

Oh crap I forgot to mention that her birthday is coming up on the 21st (Aug) what the hell should i do,

AND her sister (which i mentioned before, sees me as her big brother that she never had) wants me to usher for her wedding (September) (she told me that SHE invited me to the wedding and I am HER guest, but she understands if I would want to pass).

I don't believe I forgot those two issues man this keeps getting better

(updating the main page also)

 

[Red Dawn]

Originally posted by: Slappy00
Oh crap I forgot to mention that her birthday is coming up on the 21st (Aug) what the hell should i do,

Easy, ignore it. Odds are she might be out celebrating with another guy anyways.

 

[jmdeathsquad]

Originally posted by: Slappy00
Oh crap I forgot to mention that her birthday is coming up on the 21st (Aug) what the hell should i do,

send her a dozen black roses with a bomb inside

 

[MaxDepth]

Sorry, Slappy, but you should have planned on the marriage after grad school or during. I have freinds who did that and are still married. And I have friends who dragged out the relationship with just the promise of "marriage someday" and they are no longer together. Why? Commitment; not just the owrds but the deed.

From your first post it sounds like you thought everything you did was good enough for the both of you. But she went to grad school too and is now feeling that "30 pinch of what have I done with my life." Two people who look forward to career goals as well as life goals have to be comfortable with not only the way their life is going but with their significant others too. It is very rare that college sweethearts ever get careers in the same geographical area that they are also happy with having. I've seen better relationships come about because two people have life and work in the same area and meet by chance (like at a social event).

As much as I want an independent, career-oriented young woman in my life, I also have to take in account that those same features could be my downfall. She may want to pursue her career more fully and that might mean a relocation. Also, she may be too independent and think a life along is better than a life being permanently attached to me.


But don't get me wrong, I feel your pain. I had a girl in my life who after collge wanted nothing more than to live together and to get married. And then after two years of grad school felt afraid that marriage would tie her down to just one location and a limited career path. Plus the fact she went insane.

But now I am dating girls who have started careers and who like the area. Girls in their mid-twenties and early thirties rock!

But dating someone for almowst a decade and for a third of their life - well, it does make a person pause and think critically of their life. So, keep in touch, but don't stalk. Listen but don't judge. And ask yourself, what do you really want? If you answer her than ask yourself again, why? And what is the real reason you didn't get married in the first place. Because if you answered you always thought there would be time, then you didn't really want her.

Enjoy being single. Yeah it might be scary at first but learn to be out with others. You haven't done so since the 20th century.

 

[randay]

Originally posted by: Slappy00
Oh crap I forgot to mention that her birthday is coming up on the 21st (Aug) what the hell should i do,

email her a nekkid sex pic of that hot new number you hooked up with while hanging around at teh strip club?

 

[Queasy]

Originally posted by: Slappy00
New issues

I forgot to mention that her birthday is coming up on the 21st (Aug) what the hell should i do?

Ignore it. You aren't dating anymore and she clearly wants to move on. You'll save time and money.

AND her sister (which i mentioned before, sees me as her big brother that she never had) wants me to usher for her wedding (September) (she told me that SHE invited me to the wedding and I am HER guest, but she understands if I would want to pass).

I'd skip it and send her a nice wedding gift. Being an usher at a wedding is not that big of a deal.

 

[Ninjja]

Originally posted by: Red Dawn

Originally posted by: HeroOfPellinor
What really sucks is that you're now 27 and the pool of quality available women is gonna be a LOT slimmed down from when you were 19.

Actually his chances of finding a mate whose best suited for him is probably better than it was when he was 19. A lot of those women he missed out when he was 19 are still around, just more mature now and ready to be in a commited relationship

My point is, that you've probably squandered your window of opportunity as far as real love goes. Maybe not, but probably.

And you know this how?

If there is someone out there she'll probably find you and it'll be when you don't expect it.

Finally some advice from you that's worthwhile.[/quote]

I agree with the above commentary

 

[Slappy00]

Sorry, Slappy, but you should have planned on the marriage after grad school or during. I have freinds who did that and are still married. And I have friends who dragged out the relationship with just the promise of "marriage someday" and they are no longer together. Why? Commitment; not just the owrds but the deed.

True but you can't plan for circumstance, I wish I knew how hard it would be for two people to find a job in the same area (Im in the sciences which = big city, and she is well a naturalist (which makes for lively debate when we talk about animal testing, GMO's etc) which = outlying areas for the most part). Not for the lack of trying but Chicago has many many many more laboratory positions than St. Louis, and also has many postitions for her, execpt that when St. Louis came along she stopped looking for things in Chicago. The relationship was moving along to tell you the truth and if it wasn't for her sister getting the question popped to her earlier this year I would have done so this December. Now I had to wait so i didn't steal her sister's thunder. Guess I waited too long

You haven't done so since the 20th century.

oh gwad ur right...

Because if you answered you always thought there would be time, then you didn't really want her.

that auctually was my answer