So my girlfriend of 8.5 years decided to break up on Sunday

[Slappy00]

Originally posted by: ItsAlive

Originally posted by: spidey07

Originally posted by: Slappy00
I was considering writing her at least one letter (not pleading or begging or anything like that jsut letting her know that this situation is not fair to me and im not going to be hanging around waiting for her reply) ... i mean she does at least deserve that .... dont you think?

No. I don't think. She literally doesn't deserve jack squat.

She's dead to you dude. You don't write letters to dead people. You'll only be feeding her ego by doing so. End all contact, now. No letters. No e-mails. No nothing. She's dead to you.

I agree, don't try to make her jealous or anything just end contact......If she is not seeing someone else, she will eventually start to miss you and be curious to know how you are doing. By eventually I mean roughly 6 months to a year. If she is seeing someone already then its over.......either way ending ALL contact with her is the best course of action.

Dont stay at home alone. Get out and stay active. It will take your mind off things and also put you out in the world where chances for meeting someone new are eminant. I would not jump into another relationship anytime soon, give yourself some time alone to rebuild your self esteem and get your mind back to status quo. I would not concern yourself with her happiness because she obviously is not concerned with yours. I wouldnt even acknowledge her birthday. As far as the wedding I think its a bad idea. Just end all contact and stick to your guns on this. She will either come running back to you after she realizes she made a huge mistake or else she is seeing someone else, whereby any chance to repair the relationship is futile.

Quoted from Harley Davidson and The Marlboro Man: "Never chase buses or women, you'll always get left behind".

Awesome quote!

And thanks to everybody for the support and advice, I have read each and every single one of your posts.

 

[daniel49]

Originally posted by: Slappy00
So sunday started like any other, the woman and I woke up and for the last few days i was noticing her begining to distance herself from me in subitle ways (if you know someone long enough you can see these behaviors). In any event i asked her "whats the matter you seem disconnected" and then she unleashed a torrent of emotion and the dreaded conversaiotn that anyone in a long-term realtionship fears.

Background:

We've been dating since the first year in college, through our graduate years and beyond. Many would ask why we didnt get married yet, and the answer isn't simple but suffice to say that graduate school (in different states) running around to find work and what-not has prevented us form really spending the last 3 or so years together and finding jobs/careers. Recently we were both looking for jobs and I managed to find one in a large pharmaceutical in Chicago and she found a little gig up here too (part time but something she could possibly leapfrog from), but it was no big deal since i was making enough money for the both of us. I had an apartment lined up and we were ready to go, and then out of the blue some job she applied to in St. Louis calls and apparently it was a really good position, so now she had to choose between her career and our realtionship. She chose the former. ALthough I was devistated (and her sister (who gets along with her) told me in no such terms "you shoulda dumped her @ss right there") I devised a plan for me to find my way down there and for us to live together. I was finally making progress these past weeks and on Sunday all this came down upon me, all at once...

Funny thing is that when we talked about it she said she was tired of "trying" even though I am the one doing most of the work, and she added that she was "scared" of living with me and enjoying her newfound independance in my absence, which is also funny becasue i could point to numerous times where she mentioned that all she wanted was for us to live together. Finally she said the one thing that i was hoping that I would not hear but i was half-expecting to hear anyways: that she is interested in other people. Pretty convienient for her, not so convienient for me who has planned a life around a person who apparently was not doing the same, and consiquently not really talking to people on the side. In any event after much discussion she compromised and decided to "think about it" for a period of a month and come back to me and we would talk further about the situation. Funny thing is the more I think about it the more it seems that she is keeping me as a spare tire, just in case this interesting new person is a jerk/alcoholic/whatever. In anyevent we are only to communicate via e/snail mail, and or txt messages (one of each per day, max). No phone calls, no seeing each other, otherwise. Im not sure what I should say if I do write her, I feel that I will either piss her off or sound desperate.

Its strange looking over the horizon and seeing void but I guess that many have walked down the same path and have lived happy and sucessful lives, but now that sure don't seem to be the case.

For those interested: we met when i was 19 and she was 18 I am now 27/28 and she is 26/27 (B-Days in August).

New issues

I forgot to mention that her birthday is coming up on the 21st (Aug) what the hell should i do?

AND her sister (which i mentioned before, sees me as her big brother that she never had) wants me to usher for her wedding (September) (she told me that SHE invited me to the wedding and I am HER guest, but she understands if I would want to pass).

I don't believe I forgot those two issues man this keeps getting better

pix (Removed for lack of sexyness or something)

Update:

So I got an e-mail from her today, although most of it is kinda too personal to post here I can put some relevant pieces up:

As I look at the situation, I wonder if I?m being honest and seeing things for what they really are, if I have that single-mindedness or if I?m caught up in the peripheral debris, busy swatting flies in the kitchen while the house burns down?.

Which is another reason why I appreciate the time apart. This is time to find that focus again after trying new things and tapping in to new sources of strength and inspiration. I am not trying to prolong our break-up or cause a bigger schism for us to repair if we are going to get back together. I am not trying to cause more pain; I simply am exhausted and need time & space to heal & rejuvenate.

Other than that she is planning on writing me letters and what not... I don't get it anymore whats going on?




Cliffs:

Don't date self-centered women who put themselves ahead of a relationship, and if you are listen to your friends and familiy, as they can see things that you choose to ignore.

she wants to go let her go...your postponing the inevitable.
she is not happy in the relationship.

 

[npoe1]

Well, I have a similar problem with my possible ex-girlfriend of 6 years, and the situation about my future with her is similar, first I didn?t about us and when I finally start to think in ?us?, she told me that she don?t love me anymore, that the relationship just get cold. After no seeing me for one month for work related issues that I have, she doesn?t work, live with her parents.

I don?t what to do, but I?m thinking, for now I?m depressed. The whole thing happed in July, 24.

 

[Slappy00]

Originally posted by: npoe1
Well, I have a similar problem with my possible ex-girlfriend of 6 years, and the situation about my future with her is similar, first I didn?t about us and when I finally start to think in ?us?, she told me that she don?t love me anymore, that the relationship just get cold. After no seeing me for one month for work related issues that I have, she doesn?t work, live with her parents.

I don?t what to do, but I?m thinking, for now I?m depressed. The whole thing happed in July, 24.

Can you expound a bit more ... background?

 

[Pikachu]

You've been with her for 8.5 years, and now your opinion of her is that she is a self-centered women who put themselves ahead of a relationship..."? Weren't paying very close attention during that time, were you?

"you shoulda dumped her @ss right there" Good advice, glad it finally sank in.

Fvck her, fvck the birthday and too bad, but blow off the wedding as well.

I read none of the replies after the OP, so that's why this probably repeats 50% of the other responses...

 

[bmx045]

dude, some marriages don't even last 8.5 years....I'm surprised you two got that far no offense. She sounds like she's getting the usual, newfound state of being single. Don't do anything for her birthday, the point she is trying to make is to be separated and to have time alone. I'm sure when she's celebrating with whoever, she'll notice you're not there....especially after 8.5 years of always being there.

I don't know much about this situation but I'm pretty sure she'll feel bad that you're not there, but give her what she wants, leave her alone and if she really doesn't want you anymore she won't contact you. You have no obligation to bend over backwards for her now, as much as you might want to be with her and stay attached, it's just going to cause a longer traumatic experience. If she regrets it she will let you know because I'm sure she will miss you. If she infact treasures her new job more(which is a big risk), she's a tard, she can't manage priorities, or she really wants you gone. Time will tell my friend.

Don't be a nag to her...pay close attention to her reaction to this whole situation in terms of communication towards you, but don't be a back-up, don't stalk her, or be another ring on her finger she can take around with her while she acts single. Been there, done that, and it sucks. It sucks being depressed to the point where you can barely eat, and you're constantly sleeping....don't hang on is what I'm saying, move on as fast as possible.

 

[Slappy00]

Originally posted by: bmx045
dude, some marriages don't even last 8.5 years....I'm surprised you two got that far no offense. She sounds like she's getting the usual, newfound state of being single. Don't do anything for her birthday, the point she is trying to make is to be separated and to have time alone. I'm sure when she's celebrating with whoever, she'll notice you're not there....especially after 8.5 years of always being there.

I don't know much about this situation but I'm pretty sure she'll feel bad that you're not there, but give her what she wants, leave her alone and if she really doesn't want you anymore she won't contact you. You have no obligation to bend over backwards for her now, as much as you might want to be with her and stay attached, it's just going to cause a longer traumatic experience. If she regrets it she will let you know because I'm sure she will miss you. If she infact treasures her new job more(which is a big risk), she's a tard, she can't manage priorities, or she really wants you gone. Time will tell my friend.

Don't be a nag to her...pay close attention to her reaction to this whole situation in terms of communication towards you, but don't be a back-up, don't stalk her, or be another ring on her finger she can take around with her while she acts single. Been there, done that, and it sucks. It sucks being depressed to the point where you can barely eat, and you're constantly sleeping....don't hang on is what I'm saying, move on as fast as possible.

As s mini update im pretty much done mourning, I got too much on my plate right now to deal with some insane woman. Like many have mentioned here: its her loss, I did what I could and really more than what I should have, and she took took took but never gave. I can live without that, starting to date again will put me in a strange place, as well as gettign rid of all her sh1t in my house (and she has a lot of sh1t in my place). We ahd good times and bad, but she did not want to contribute to our happiness... i can do better

You've been with her for 8.5 years, and now your opinion of her is that she is a self-centered women who put themselves ahead of a relationship..."? Weren't paying very close attention during that time, were you?

No not really, complacency does that to you. Plus it was really only evident when she did the whole St. Louis thing, its like gettign hit in the face with a "dumbass" sign. At that point i saw the forest for the trees, and due to the time we had invested.. the relationship dragged on for 4 more months. I can't really explain my actions in the past, I can only live in the present and look foward to the future, which right now is a "?". But I got a job, money and good friends.. I think I'll be alright.

 

[Pikachu]

First impressions are usually right. I know people always act their best when you first meet, but you can usually see through the BS. People really don't change from birth to death. They're the same "person" no matter how their circumstances change. I'm surprised her true nature wasn't fully evident within the first week, let alone 8+ years.

 

[FP]

Your ex writes really well.

 

[Slappy00]

Originally posted by: binister
Your ex writes really well.

Yah too bad she's hell-spawn.

 

[NickelTitanium]

May I suggest that you have sex with her sister or one of her close friends? You will feel so much better.

 

[FDF12389]

listen to your friends and familiy, as they can see things that you choose to ignore.
q]

QFT

 

[renaldoriggs]

Originally posted by: npoe1
Well, I have a similar problem with my possible ex-girlfriend of 6 years, and the situation about my future with her is similar, first I didn?t about us and when I finally start to think in ?us?, she told me that she don?t love me anymore, that the relationship just get cold. After no seeing me for one month for work related issues that I have, she doesn?t work, live with her parents.

I don?t what to do, but I?m thinking, for now I?m depressed. The whole thing happed in July, 24.

I like how you refer to her as your "possible ex-girlfriend" as you hang on to that last thread of hope that really isn't there. I'm sure she would say flat out you're an ex and not "possible ex". Stop living in denial.

 

[txrandom]

Sorry about your loss, if I had dated someone for 8.5 years and they broke up with me, I'd be heartbroken. Good luck.

Btw she has the same birthday as me!

 

[npoe1]

Originally posted by: renaldoriggs

Originally posted by: npoe1
Well, I have a similar problem with my possible ex-girlfriend of 6 years, and the situation about my future with her is similar, first I didn?t about us and when I finally start to think in ?us?, she told me that she don?t love me anymore, that the relationship just get cold. After no seeing me for one month for work related issues that I have, she doesn?t work, live with her parents.

I don?t what to do, but I?m thinking, for now I?m depressed. The whole thing happed in July, 24.

I like how you refer to her as your "possible ex-girlfriend" as you hang on to that last thread of hope that really isn't there. I'm sure she would say flat out you're an ex and not "possible ex". Stop living in denial.

Well, I know that it wasn?t a good idea but in the heat of situation, I ask her if she was sure of what she was doing, and her answer was: ?no I?m not sure, probably I?m making a mistake? then, I asked her if we are breaking up, her answer was that she didn?t know but she think that she already did enough damage to continue the relationship and I have hope because I didn?t see it coming, and in some way I think that hope is what keep me up, because I have no time to suffer for this (a lot of work) and I feel really bad when I think that is over specially alone, but she call me sometime, and send me SMS (text message), always telling me that I should eat, sleep, rest well. I like that, because I always thought that she was a nice person and if all this end, well I think that I will not hate her or have some resentment. I will try to provide some background later, but I?m really busy.

Actually I?m afraid of losing her, which seems already happen, but I resist me to see the "possible" true.

 

[Tong]

Dude, i'm in the same situation except only been in it for 7 1/4 years, and i have a beautifull child. If it's only u and her, RUNNNNNN completly close the whole thing off and run. Me and moms been up and down for 5 years now, i keep taking her back (Hi my name is Spare Tire) because i can't close the book on the relationship due to the fact that i still have to see her to see my daughter (state of MA visitation crap) so all those feeling come back up. So if you can, cut it clean with a razor and RUNNNNN. Enjoy your life. (btw both of us are 26 born exactly 10 days apart and have been together since 1999 1 child)

 

[Imyourzero]

OP, I don't have time to read the entire thread (and probably won't) but I did read your first post. I'm really sorry about that. It sucks to spend that much time with someone and then feel like the past 8-9 years of your life were wasted time since you could have been spending your 20s looking for someone else or at the very least learning the joys and sorrows of casual sex.

My thoughts are, if you think there is any way that she won't return then drop her @$$ like a bad habit and be as cold as you can be to her. Screw her (not literally) for putting you through this after you trying to hard to be with her!! On the other hand, if you think she'll come back, that's an entirely different ballgame. She could return and then pull this crap again in the future. If you think she's just keeping you around as the spare tire while she explores other "opportunities" then that's BULLSHEN!! I don't think I'd wait around.

It's kinda weird when couples are together for that long and don't get married. I mean everyone expects you to and some almost wonder if there is a hidden reason why the couple doesn't get married...but I think if you are comfortable where you're at in the relationship, it shouldn't matter if you stay together for 10 or 15 years and don't get married. If everything works and both of you are comfortable, why introduce the trials and tribulations of marriage if both of you aren't 110% ready for it? It will either be hard, or not work at all, if both people aren't totally dedicated to making it work. OTOH, some people think if you've been together that long, might as well make it official.

But I've heard about the "danger zone" where if you delay it for too long, one of the parties might get tired of waiting around or might just get bored with the lack of exciting "newness" and start looking elsewhere. It could be just for physical pleasure (i.e. she still wants you for emotional support) or it could be that she wants an entirely new scene (sounds like that's the case here since she wants to take a 1-mo break with very limited communication).

Since NONE of us know her like you do, or know much about your relationship at all for that matter, I think you should do some deep thinking (as if you haven't already been doing that). If you think she just needs a breath of fresh air and will come back and be faithful, she might be worth waiting around for as long as she dosen't use this as an opportunity to be promiscuous. I mean she might need some time/space to realize what she'd miss if the relationship ended. Or she might feel so free and alive that she just leaves the country and becomes a French prostitute for the rest of her days.

If she leaves, do NOT let her come crawling back!! That will only send the message that you can't live without her and she can pull this shite again later on when she feels "This is time to find that focus again after trying new things and tapping in to new sources of strength and inspiration." Yeah, I think we know what's being tapped and what new things are being tried... :disgust:

FWIW, my birthday is the same as hers (Aug 21). If you want me to call her on that day and wish her a very "happy" birthday on behalf of you and the rest of ATOT, I will.

 

[meltdown75]

Well, sounds like she is pretty much forcing you to grow a pair by putting you through the grinder.

Just be glad that she's doing the dirty work for you. She's doing you a favour. Another few years down the road, who knows - you could have been dealing with sorting out a messy divorce with kids involved.

You are still young.

Another vote for banging the sister :thumbsup:

 

[Sentinel]

"Don't date self-centered women who put themselves ahead of a relationship, and if you are listen to your friends and familiy, as they can see things that you choose to ignore."

Yes, but after 8 1/2 years- you should be able to tell where things were going. IMHO she pulled this one out of her ass.

 

[Geekbabe]

Lemmie see, after 8 1/2 years you weren't married, you weren't engaged, you weren't even living together ?

I'm struggling real hard to see what it is exactly that you lost ?

 

[IFICUDIWUD]

Tough luck on the chick... don't see you getting back to gether.. not to worry theres a world full of wimmins out there... Oh yea .. go to the sisters wedding and take a date.. then you wont feel as if you are intruding and you ex will get the message

 

[LittleNemoNES]

nvm

 

[Descartes]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Lemmie see, after 8 1/2 years you weren't married, you weren't engaged, you weren't even living together ?

I'm struggling real hard to see what it is exactly that you lost ?

Are you being serious?

 

[yowolabi]

Originally posted by: Slappy00

Originally posted by: Cdubneeddeal

Originally posted by: Paddington
My advice to the OP is to send a short and sweet letter that says: I've found someone else, and moved on. I'm not interested in continuing to communicate with you. Have a nice life.

Whether it's true or not, it will make her burn up inside for ditching a good thing when she had it going. It would also make you seem as if you are quite in demand. The key here is to not come off as a dipshit loser who can't get a date and whose entire love life is dependent on the remote possibility of her one day coming back to you.

I disagree. Two wrongs do not make a right. What you're suggesting is straight out of high school. Adults, in my opinion, are supposed to be a little bit more mature than what you are suggesting.

I was considering writing her at least one letter (not pleading or begging or anything like that jsut letting her know that this situation is not fair to me and im not going to be hanging around waiting for her reply) ... i mean she does at least deserve that .... dont you think?

Whatever you write will come off like this, no matter what your intent:

"Whine whine whine about what we could of had and how emotionally fragile I am. Here is proof that i'm not a strong man and you made the right decision to replace me with the artist (or whoever she's currently with. and yes she is with someone)."

And about her "deserving" something, you need to grow out of that kind of thinking. She made a decision to cut you out of her life and replace you with someone else. She had completely thought about and made the decision before even letting you know something was wrong. You should feel she deserves something, but it's not a letter. The best way to let her know that you're not hanging around is to simply.... not hang around. Silence conveys that message much more effectively.

 

[classy]

I read bits and pieces of it but to put it bluntly, no woman wants a sorry @ss man who she has been with for a 8 long plus years and not see no marrying future. She should have booted your butt about 3 years ago. Go waste someone else's time. Give me a break :roll: