Sonikku finally committed! By Blizzard no less

[dave_the_nerd]

*hugs*

 

[Tweak155]

This story is quite amazing, thanks for sharing as it surely requires courage. Life sucks like this sometimes, for some people it is in short spurts, for others it becomes a long test of endurance. It sounds like the latter has taken place in your case, I hope that you find what it is that you need to see it is worth continuing.

As far as jobs go, one thing I learned a long time ago is that you have to get through the NOs to get to the YESes, sounds like you may hit more of them than the average person, but stick to your guns and keep giving it your best! Best of luck to you Sonkku.

 

[Majes]

Sonniku it seems your entire existence is currently centered around your transition. I haven't been through one myself but I've had an uncle and a good friend make the transition. For a long time both of their worlds were entirely about their transition. It seems you are experiencing much the same but have reached a road block in the transition process. My only advice is that for the time being you have to center your life around other things. Develop your skills and relationships so that they support your transition. If you find they do not, then remove them from your life.

It's a journey, and parts of it suck. Both my uncle and friend went through incredible pain and upheaval in their lives. They both lost family and moved to find people that were more accepting. It's often just not possible to keep your original support system no matter how much they try to support you. But I can say that both my uncle and friend seem happier now.

 

[slayer202]

Thanks for sharing. I'll echo what people have said about getting help elsewhere, but AT has always been a generous community and I'm sure there are lots of people here who are willing to help in whatever ways they can.

You talked about your love of gaming and tech, and certainly there are many people here who work in those industries. I imagine they might be able to guide you towards a career path that might be attainable for you. Programming for example, is something you can start to learn on your own with very limited costs. Others can chime in and provide better insight than I can

 

[local]

I'm sorry to hear about your pain. But I am not sorry in the least that Blizzard reported it to the police.

While I have never experienced anything as strong as you I had some issues in high school that are at least a little similar. Everyone thought I was gay, mocking and ridiculing me while guys would write gay slurs on my backpack and clothes. Luckily that didn't affect me too much partially because I did not know the extent of it until many years later, I just thought they were assholes.

What did affect me was being completely incapable of talking to girls and in turn them ignoring me or worse, as when I was forced to be around some of them they made me stay in a corner and would hit me if I talked or looked their way. I felt unwanted and useless but thoughts of ending it all never really progressed beyond the consideration that it would end my problems.

Then I was kicked out of school when I was 16 for creating an ill conceived "hit list" a couple weeks after Columbine as a joke but maybe it was actually a little more than a joke because it had some of those same people that gave me no end of crap on it. That put the feelings of not being wanted and uselessness into overdrive and I retreated into EverQuest, still a loner but at least I was in a different world.

A few months later and I was in a relationship with a fairly aggressive girl from another town that took the initiative and with the exception of a couple terrible girlfriends I have been good ever since. Now 18 years later I have an awesome wife I have been with for 14 years and three young daughters.

Writing this out has made me think more about those years than I have in a very long time and it is a little painful thinking about how low I was. If I had succumbed to the darkness I would have what I do now and these three girls wouldn't exist.

Just because it is dark now doesn't mean the light has disappeared you just need to find it again. 15 years from now you could be living your dream life and looking back on these days as an abnormality to your mental health and not the norm.


Something that stood out to me in your post was that you put on a mask in the real world because you don't believe you can take the crap people may throw your way. You based this on what your peers have told you about their experience. But have you asked them if they were happier with the ridicule and being themselves than they were when they were hiding it from the world? I say this because in my experience other peoples opinions mattered less to me than my opinion of myself. I am a firm believer in being yourself, taking off that mask may be easier to handle than you think. Either way though you do need to talk about it there is no need to take it all on yourself.

 

[lytalbayre2]

Thanks for sharing your story. I can empathize with you in many ways.

There is no question that life is hard, hard for people who confirm to societal norms, and I can only imagine much harder for transgender folks.

Depression is no joke, and it's not something that can just be shrugged off.

I will second other peoples suggestion that you reach out to a psychiatrist asap for aftercare... Medication is often stigmatized, but many of my family members have been diagnosed with depression and other disorders, and I can tell you with certainty that the right medication can make a whole world of difference.

Medication is not the solution, but it will allow you to take a step out of the vicious cycle of depression and maybe set some goals for yourself that are more attainable.

are there any support groups for LGBT in your area? Have you looked? I think meeting with real people and making these connections will be key to your getting better.

What about finding real life groups of people who share common interests with you even if they are not trans. You can make deep friendships with people even if they don't have everything in common with you.

I know it must be hard without a car and good public transportation. That is one of the biggest problems with this country! Do you have a driver's license?

Perhaps jump on the social media bandwagon. If you are willing to commit suicide, why not put it all out there. Start a blog, start a twitter account or instagram. Document your life and the issues you face and get it out there in the public... at the very least, I bet if you do this, you will be contacted by others who can relate to you. If you're life is truly not worth living for yourself, then live it for others who might also be in trouble. Find ways to inspire other trans people, and to support them, through social media, etc.

Don't lose hope. You can always come back to AT and find support here.

Good luck!

 

[crashtech]

Though we don't know each other, I've read a lot of your posts and appreciate your intelligence and thoughtfulness. My impulse is to want to help somehow. I can't ease your pain, but perhaps knowing that people care could help show that there is a reason to keep going, or at least persuade you to indefinitely postpone your decision to do something so final. I'm sure that at the very least we could get you a nicer gaming PC, I have some decent parts that I will gladly donate. I could even build the PC, though I'd assume there is someone you know better here on the forums that would also volunteer. I'm ready to help at least a little, if it's okay.

 

[Sonikku]

Thank you all for your kind and compassionate words everyone. I've read every post a few times already and I really do appreciate your thoughts and suggestions.

Fuckin' spyware... :^P

Glad you're still around Sonikku. You're interesting, and I enjoy your posts. As Welsh said, you have a lot to offer. You got your space here. You just need to find your space in the world. I think it'll come, but it'll require patience. It took a lot of courage and trust to write your post here. Thanks for the trust :^)

It wasn't spyware. In case it was not evident, my transfriend who I bid my goodbye to in WoW had reported me to Blizzard immediately after our conversation and Blizzard took it from there.

You have to find some hope of some kind. If that means going off into the unknown, then that's what you have to do. There are places in this country starved for labor. And while the oil fields of North Dakota might not be the best choice for you, there are others like what Dixy pointed out.

I know you said you can't afford to move but it really depends on how badly you want to do it. You can probably get assistance until you can find a job but even if you can't, there are shelters you can go to. Sure, it's a desperate thing to do but you seem like you qualify.

If you're at the point of wanting to take your own life, then why not take some other risks that won't end in your death and might give you the hope you need.

I understand dealing with depression. I've never felt it as intensely as you have but a long slow grind can be almost as bad. But I keep trying different medications and hoping.

I'm surprised they let you out without some sort of pharmacological help. And if they did give you medication, be faithful about taking it. It can take up to 6 weeks before you feel the effects. And if they didn't give you any meds, then get some. Look at it this way, they probably aren't going to make you feel a lot worse and may end up making you feel better.

Finally, make full use of your support system. Talk about how you feel to your support groups. Check out new groups. One that I like is DBSA

Just putting your thoughts and feelings into words can give you new insights. But more important, you get some much needed emotional support.

They did put me on antidepressants. They also mandated me to meet with my endocrinologist who gives me my hormones, my general practice doctor and a psychiatrist in Carthage. They assigned me a caseworker as well to help micromanage everything.

You need to see a psychiatrist outpatient on the double. Insurance should cover it. The hospital should have referred you to one.



You're right you do need help. As far as no professionals can understand, you're wrong. How many have you met? How do you know what the few you've met can understand? You're severely limited on both those counts. In addition to that you're in no shape to make any life changing decisions right now including writing off mental health professionals so don't.

The reason you erroneously think none can understand is because subconsciously you're aware of the hard work you have ahead of you to overcome this problem you're facing and you want to avoid it because that's far easier than dealing with it.

Now imagine if you could meet your future self. What if your future self were to say that all that hard work to overcome your problem was worth it after all?

I am getting professional help. Though the one I met with last week (and am meeting again tomorrow) flatly admitted he doesn't understand what it is like. Still, I keep my mind open and humor him.

 

[tamz_msc]

All I'm going to say is that after having a close relative of mine taking his life, and me being subsequently involved in its aftermath, I firmly believe that suicide is never an option.

Glad that you have at least found a glimmer of hope to lean you away from that path.

 

[Sonikku]

I read the whole thing and while I don't fully understand your exact situation, I too contemplated suicide when I was a late teenager. I have a mild case of bi-polar so I know what those thoughts are like.

However, suicide is never the answer. All it does is hurt loved ones and friends with a pain that never ends.

With that said, finding a career can be a time consuming thing. First thing to do is discover what you like to do most or what is the skill you possess. Then see if that is achievable. Since you like tech have you considered IT? Lots of courses are available in most community colleges.

Let us know more about what kind of career you are interested in. There is a wealth of information on AT from all of us members.

My hope for years was to get into IT because I'm a techie. But I can't afford to move, no car and no school locally even has classes for it. I was looking into being an RN instead because there was schooling for that locally, but the funding has proven difficult.

You've decided to live for your mother's sake, that's a positive step. How to keep it going ? Well, help may be closer than you think. I remember several occasions over the last year or two, where your posts said "I'm in a bad way today", and " I'm in a bad space" .Nobody here paid you any attention but I did. I remember replying once with 4/5 sentences offering support and hope. I forget exactly the words. Knowing your mood, I expected a reply but you did not.

I'm sorry if I missed that. I appreciate your concern and your posts. Thank you.

Oh, and if you need a new (budget) gaming rig, I've got loads of G4560 / 8GB / SSD / budget GPU rigs in-stock, ready to ship. I'lll sell you one for $1. PM me.

Edit: Ok, right now, "loads" == three of them, but I've got some parts to build three more.

I'm sorry to hear about your hospitalization Larry. While I really would like to accept some parts for my rig that I have been unable to maintain for years, I would feel kind of bad using a thread about my nearly committing suicide as a way to angle for computer parts... Though now that I've decided to live, I do surely regret turning Crono's i7 down. ><

 

[[DHT]Osiris]

My hope for years was to get into IT because I'm a techie.

Don't give up on that part. The great thing about IT is that 99.9% of the information related to the career field exists on the platform which was developed from it; the internet. Find a place that is willing to take an entry level tech (even if it's garbage like a call-in tech support or geeksquad or something) and learn yourself up. Raw experience and knowledge can get you very lucrative jobs, schooling is not required for this field.

Citation: me, working for an ivy league uni with no schooling past HS and military training.


For what it's worth, I was very near to the edge for a time when I was younger, and what did it for me was joining the military, leaving where I was and leaving behind a lot of *very* caustic 'family' and 'friends' (I use the terms loosely) of which I've had virtually zero contact since. I guarantee my life would be worse had I not made that decision a decade ago. Big changes which shake up your life a lot have a funny way of changing things for the better (eventually).

 

[Cozarkian]

Thank you for the story, I wish you the best.

One Hought - Is there a local animal shelter at which you could volunteer once or twice a week? The animals don't judge so it is good for your soul and it can also build your resume (the longer you are unemployed the harder it is to get a job, unless you can document activity like community service or education.

Also, since you don't have a local school, maybe look for online tech courses at a University extension or a community college in a nearby town?

 

[Iron Woode]

My hope for years was to get into IT because I'm a techie. But I can't afford to move, no car and no school locally even has classes for it. I was looking into being an RN instead because there was schooling for that locally, but the funding has proven difficult.

How about an online course? I admit I don't know if any are accredited, but it would allow you to learn from home.

My one friend did an online course for a locksmith and managed to get a full time job quickly.

 

[mztykal]

First off, I read the entire post and while I can't fully understand what you're going through I am proud of you for taking the harder route and trying to work through it!

I don't know what depression is but I do hope you can figure things out enough to see the world isn't that a place. You may truly just be in the wrong state/city?

Maybe start a gofundme to relocate to somewhere else? Post it and I'll donate. =)

 

[tamz_msc]

@Sonikku One piece of advice I can give you if you're interested in IT is depending on your knowledge and your inclination to learn, it is a good idea to be familiar with data science at some level. Python is all you need to get started.

 

[clamum]

I'm sorry that I don't know what you're going through but I think what you said about "but no professionals can understand, no matter how well intended" isn't correct. I think a therapist or psychiatrist could help you (I've gotten help from a therapist personally, he was great) and if the first one you try doesn't seem right then just keep trying. I understand that costs money and whatnot but one foot in front of the other gets you to the end. I'm certain there's many professionals out there that could help you.

I just wanted to say that and that I appreciate you sharing. I can't relate to what you're going through, though I do know what depression is, but I really wish the best for you.

 

[Charmonium]

My hope for years was to get into IT because I'm a techie. But I can't afford to move, no car and no school locally even has classes for it. I was looking into being an RN instead because there was schooling for that locally, but the funding has proven difficult.

There are lots of programs to pay for nursing school. For example - https://bhw.hrsa.gov/loansscholarships/nursecorps/scholarship

Just search for nursing scholarships and you should get at least a few new approaches.

 

[kinev]

Wow! As others have said, we have no idea what you're going through, but my thoughts and prayers are with you. If nothing else, your post shows that you are articulate and able to communicate well, which is a gift that many others would be envious of! Not that you can make money with it right now, but it sounds like you have many talents/gifts that you just haven't been able to find a way to monetize yet. Keep searching; you'll find your niche eventually!

 

[radhak]

Hi Sonikku, I am happy you are around, and I'm happy Blizzard did what they did.

But hopelessness is no way to live; are you willing to allow your well-wishers to step in and maybe try and help you out of that? As you can read in this thread, there are dozens who care enough to post; and I dare say there are a lot more who'd do help if they can. Will you please allow us all to do our bit?

So, can you please follow thru on the crowd-funding idea, and set up an account? I for one would willingly chip in a few serious penny to help it off the ground, and I'm sure if you set a decent target/purpose, you could grow it to a useful level.

As I see it, the minimum you need to do now, is to take some classes that you feel most attracted to or feel would be most rewarding. Maybe you could add the cost of a used car to that. Or the cost of moving to a state where insurance policies support your surgery. I am not exactly sure, but I'd think anything from $10k to $25k would be fairly reasonable. Please go ahead and set it up; it might be the first step to a better tomorrow.

 

[Ruptga]

I don't have anything helpful to say, so here's a link to the noob's primer on depression.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html?m=0

Y'all should look it over before trying too hard to be helpful.

 

[VirtualLarry]

I'm sorry to hear about your hospitalization Larry.

Thanks!

 

[brainhulk]

Are there fields out there that are trans friendly? Maybe beauty school, waitress at nice restaurants (tips!), or stewardess? Are you fluent in another language? I have a family acquaintance who's husband is fluent in Japanese and English, feminine, and works as a translator for Delta airlines.

It might not be what you hand in mind to go into stereotypical fields, but it would provide work and income.

 

[radhak]

Btw, you might want to look around before picking a crowdfunding site.
Looks like Generosity (by Indiegogo) and YouCaring do not take a percentage of the funds (donors pay a credit card transaction fee).

 

[BurnItDwn]

Sorry Sonikku, sounds like you really feel stuck. Hope things turn around for you. You deserve a chance at a good life and to be who you are.

 

[Iron Woode]

I don't have anything helpful to say, so here's a link to the noob's primer on depression.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html?m=0

Y'all should look it over before trying too hard to be helpful.

being bi-polar, I am very well acquainted with depression.