Spam King ... The Funniest Thread I've EVER Read

telstar1

Golden Member
Feb 14, 2001
1,206
0
0
This is a thread about a guy that mass-distributed his resume and then threatened to sue those that resented his mass-mailing.
It's long, but a very amusing read.

link
 

ericb

Senior member
Nov 11, 1999
898
0
0
This is so funny it's worth reading all of it. I didn't really think there were people like that out there.
 

RedRooster

Diamond Member
Sep 14, 2000
6,596
0
76
Haha, that was hilarious!
That BS fella is quite the character.

Quote of the entire page has got to be:
"I bet you couldn't pour pi$$ out of a boot with instructions on the heel!"

That first rebuttal letter from Matt Hiltner sounds like one long Monty Python joke.
 

Swag1138

Diamond Member
Feb 7, 2000
3,444
0
0
GREAT JEBUS, thats hillarious!

Whats sad....is I know people like that...in fact, Ive had friends that occasionally acted like that.

But they never entertained me nearly as much
 

Kev

Lifer
Dec 17, 2001
16,367
4
81
these people keep talking about how they did a web search on Bernard Shifman and came up with that page, but i can't find it on google...wtf?
 

blakeatwork

Diamond Member
Jul 18, 2001
4,117
1
81
Ahhh, now I know who to forward all the incoming spam to...

"Dude, yer getting Shifmanned!"
 

RSI

Diamond Member
May 22, 2000
7,281
1
0
ROTFLMAO at the whole thing. This part is great :

Mr. Spammer, you swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As they say in Texas. I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?


Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.


You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake? You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. ah heck off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away. I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you my not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.


P.S.


You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine,conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.

In other words, go away.




-RSI
 

GSOYF

Senior member
Nov 20, 2001
510
0
0
damn that was some funny shiznit...i think my favorite line has to be..."you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel." Some funny crap...thanks for the amusement!!! but do you think that I could be sued for responding to this thread???
 

azazyel

Diamond Member
Oct 6, 2000
5,872
1
76
That was definately worth the time to read.



<< He is illegally threatening me with lawsuits. I could charge him with barratry, which is threatening to sue in order to get a reaction and then failing to follow through on it... that he?s done on four separate accounts now. >>


This may come in handy. Customer's always try to pull this for the stupidist reasons.
 

Jzero

Lifer
Oct 10, 1999
18,834
1
0
Not to mention how cool you sound when you start throwing around an obscure word like "barratry"
 

Hanover

Member
Oct 19, 1999
55
0
66
As my Pop used to say:

That guy couldn't find his @ss with both hands.


Cheers........

Hanover
 

AreaCode707

Lifer
Sep 21, 2001
18,440
101
91


<< PS.. My entire family comes from a legal background. Did you really think I would start something I knew I couldn't win. Don't be a smartass... its not helping you any. I may decide to spare you the law suit if you keep complying with my requests.. but now because of you.. I have to pay lawyers and my baby girl will not get all the clothes she
wants.. pretty lame isn't it.
>>



*Might* spare him the lawsuit, sheez, isn't he nice? (Way to back down?) And he's a very qualified person - his whole family comes from a legal background! :Q

Baby girl? This guy's been allowed to have children? Poor kids.
 
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