An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.
"What happened?" says the doctor.
"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."
The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"
"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."
THE ONES BELOW ARE JUST ADDED.
--2--"How can a man tell when his sperm count is elevated?
His girlfriend has to chew before she swallows."
--3--"A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man: "What are you
doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give
me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they
pay me $25." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more
before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet
again in the donation center. Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman:
[shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
-4-- "SUPPORT: "John Doe computer assistant, may I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
SUPPORT: "What sort of trouble?"
CUSTOMER: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
SUPPORT: "Went away?"
CUSTOMER: "They disappeared."
SUPPORT: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
CUSTOMER: "Nothing."
SUPPORT: "Nothing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
SUPPORT: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I tell?"
SUPPORT: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
CUSTOMER: "What's a sea-prompt?"
SUPPORT: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
CUSTOMER: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
SUPPORT: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
CUSTOMER: "What's a monitor?"
SUPPORT: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
CUSTOMER: "I don't know."
SUPPORT: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
CUSTOMER: "Yes, I think so."
SUPPORT: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
CUSTOMER: "Yes, it is."
SUPPORT: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
CUSTOMER: "No."
SUPPORT: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
CUSTOMER: "Okay, here it is."
SUPPORT: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
CUSTOMER: "I can't reach."
SUPPORT: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
CUSTOMER: "No."
SUPPORT: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
CUSTOMER: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."
SUPPORT: "Dark?"
CUSTOMER: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
SUPPORT: "Well, turn on the office light then."
CUSTOMER: "I can't."
SUPPORT: "No? Why not?"
CUSTOMER: "Because there's a power outtage."
SUPPORT: "A power... A power outtage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
CUSTOMER: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
SUPPORT: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
CUSTOMER: "Really? Is it that bad?"
SUPPORT: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
CUSTOMER: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
SUPPORT: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
"
"What happened?" says the doctor.
"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."
The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"
"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."
THE ONES BELOW ARE JUST ADDED.
--2--"How can a man tell when his sperm count is elevated?
His girlfriend has to chew before she swallows."
--3--"A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man: "What are you
doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give
me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they
pay me $25." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more
before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet
again in the donation center. Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman:
[shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
-4-- "SUPPORT: "John Doe computer assistant, may I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
SUPPORT: "What sort of trouble?"
CUSTOMER: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
SUPPORT: "Went away?"
CUSTOMER: "They disappeared."
SUPPORT: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
CUSTOMER: "Nothing."
SUPPORT: "Nothing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
SUPPORT: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I tell?"
SUPPORT: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
CUSTOMER: "What's a sea-prompt?"
SUPPORT: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
CUSTOMER: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
SUPPORT: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
CUSTOMER: "What's a monitor?"
SUPPORT: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
CUSTOMER: "I don't know."
SUPPORT: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
CUSTOMER: "Yes, I think so."
SUPPORT: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
CUSTOMER: "Yes, it is."
SUPPORT: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
CUSTOMER: "No."
SUPPORT: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
CUSTOMER: "Okay, here it is."
SUPPORT: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
CUSTOMER: "I can't reach."
SUPPORT: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
CUSTOMER: "No."
SUPPORT: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
CUSTOMER: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."
SUPPORT: "Dark?"
CUSTOMER: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
SUPPORT: "Well, turn on the office light then."
CUSTOMER: "I can't."
SUPPORT: "No? Why not?"
CUSTOMER: "Because there's a power outtage."
SUPPORT: "A power... A power outtage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
CUSTOMER: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
SUPPORT: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
CUSTOMER: "Really? Is it that bad?"
SUPPORT: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
CUSTOMER: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
SUPPORT: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
"