The title of this thread lead me to believe the police report ran more like...
We were temporarily indisposed while we were waiting for officers, O'brien, Murphy, and Livingston to finish on the subject's face, when she began to act erratically and bit officier Doyle on the scrotum. At this point I retrieved my service weapon and radio and notified dispatch "officer needs assistance", while simultaneously trying to subdue the subject. My efforts failed as the perp's head and torso as well as the floor were somewhat slippery, and officer Murphy kept repeating "Almost there", while shoving me away, and I fell backwards. At this point the scene became chaotic and the situation fluid. I believe Doyle, but it was possibly Livingston, but more likely both, was able to lift the subject to her feet. Rushing back in I was struck in the left eye by officer O'Brien's issue. With officer's Livingston's hand still trapped in the subject's vagina, and all other officer's deprived of their service weapons, officer Murphy was finally able to achieve climax, missing the subject all together as she rose, and striking both officers Livingston and Doyle (potential ricochet) as we scrambled to restrain her. At this point the cocaine was really starting to kick in, and I lost track as to whether or not the perp was quivering uncontrollably due to officer Livingston's efforts, her assault on officer Doyle, was purely play-acting, or the effects of the charlie and molly which we consumed earlier ...in the line of duty. With several onlookers nearby and officer Doyle vigorously massaging his scrotum, we decided the best thing to due would be to place the subject under arrest and await backup and CSI to gather samples while we made efforts to counteract the effects of the street drugs with tumblers of Stoli.