Once again I find myself consumed with rage-filled thoughts concerning my neighbors, and this time I?ve suffered physical injury as a result of their irresponsible trespassing.
Apparently I?m the only person alive who still values privacy and the sanctity of land ownership rights. My property is mostly wooded, and one of the reasons I enjoy it so much is the fact that I can mess around in my yard and not have to worry about the nosy neighbors gawking at me, scrutinizing every little thing that I do. I guess I?m a quickly dying breed: I?m one of those people who believe in the freedom to do whatever I like on my property, just as long as I?m not a nuisance to my neighbors. It?s the American way, or at least it was until recently.
My property has a little grassy section right out in the middle of the woods that is perfect for basking in the sun on a warm spring day. I was just messing around in the woods, not doing anything particularly important, when I noticed that there was a blanket stretched out on the grass in a sunny spot. It seemed particularly inviting even though I wasn?t sure how it had gotten there. I crawled onto it and stretched out; pretty soon I was dozing and not paying close attention to what was going on around me.
Had I been fully awake, what happened next might have been avoided.
The neighbors came bustling out of their nearby house. They are a loud bunch and frequently demonstrate a habitual desire to trespass on my property, which simply infuriates me. During my little nap, I had apparently rolled around a little and wrapped the blanket over myself so that I was not immediately visible. I didn?t hear them coming, and to an outside observer it would have been very obvious that my neighbors were unaware that I was there?
?especially once they started peeling off their clothes.
At this point, I was fully awake, but I decided to lie quietly still just to see what would happen next while they frolicked naked in my grass. The wife looked pretty good, but the husband was definitely showing telltale flab of middle age. Then the unthinkable happened: their lusty minds turned towards the blanket, and to my dismay it suddenly became perfectly clear to me the reason that it was there.
They plopped down their pasty white butts right on top of me, but somehow in their love-making frenzy failed to notice my presence and that I definitely was not enjoying the ride. Without going into too much graphic detail, the next several minutes were horrific as I was ground into the folds of the blanket by the rhythmic gyrations of a pair of hairy butt cheeks.
Thankfully, the man wasn?t exactly a professional rodeo star, so it was over in just a few short minutes. Then the screaming began. I screamed because I suddenly noticed that I was bleeding profusely. The woman screamed because she finally took note of me. Then the action began. The man gave me a swift kick in the side, which painfully sent me sprawling into the grass. They quickly gathered together their blanket and their clothes and ran back to their house, their exposed backsides still visible to all.
The next time I?m in my woods, you can bet that I?m going to carry my camera.
(Ned?s editorial note: the caterpillar lies through his teeth: I?m not all that flabby)
Apparently I?m the only person alive who still values privacy and the sanctity of land ownership rights. My property is mostly wooded, and one of the reasons I enjoy it so much is the fact that I can mess around in my yard and not have to worry about the nosy neighbors gawking at me, scrutinizing every little thing that I do. I guess I?m a quickly dying breed: I?m one of those people who believe in the freedom to do whatever I like on my property, just as long as I?m not a nuisance to my neighbors. It?s the American way, or at least it was until recently.
My property has a little grassy section right out in the middle of the woods that is perfect for basking in the sun on a warm spring day. I was just messing around in the woods, not doing anything particularly important, when I noticed that there was a blanket stretched out on the grass in a sunny spot. It seemed particularly inviting even though I wasn?t sure how it had gotten there. I crawled onto it and stretched out; pretty soon I was dozing and not paying close attention to what was going on around me.
Had I been fully awake, what happened next might have been avoided.
The neighbors came bustling out of their nearby house. They are a loud bunch and frequently demonstrate a habitual desire to trespass on my property, which simply infuriates me. During my little nap, I had apparently rolled around a little and wrapped the blanket over myself so that I was not immediately visible. I didn?t hear them coming, and to an outside observer it would have been very obvious that my neighbors were unaware that I was there?
?especially once they started peeling off their clothes.
At this point, I was fully awake, but I decided to lie quietly still just to see what would happen next while they frolicked naked in my grass. The wife looked pretty good, but the husband was definitely showing telltale flab of middle age. Then the unthinkable happened: their lusty minds turned towards the blanket, and to my dismay it suddenly became perfectly clear to me the reason that it was there.
They plopped down their pasty white butts right on top of me, but somehow in their love-making frenzy failed to notice my presence and that I definitely was not enjoying the ride. Without going into too much graphic detail, the next several minutes were horrific as I was ground into the folds of the blanket by the rhythmic gyrations of a pair of hairy butt cheeks.
Thankfully, the man wasn?t exactly a professional rodeo star, so it was over in just a few short minutes. Then the screaming began. I screamed because I suddenly noticed that I was bleeding profusely. The woman screamed because she finally took note of me. Then the action began. The man gave me a swift kick in the side, which painfully sent me sprawling into the grass. They quickly gathered together their blanket and their clothes and ran back to their house, their exposed backsides still visible to all.
The next time I?m in my woods, you can bet that I?m going to carry my camera.
(Ned?s editorial note: the caterpillar lies through his teeth: I?m not all that flabby)