I require the presence of these perverted animals to satiate my needs, its a terrible truth.
Go for the ugly chicks, they want/require the same thing. You can work your way up from there. A tried and true method is to go to a bar quite late and find the last chick sitting on a barstool by herself or the one ugly friend in a group that isn't getting any attention. In the second situation you get all kinds of bonus points for helping the guys out hitting on the hot friends, they will more than likely help you score some higher quality poon in the future for "taking one for the team" even though you really aren't.
Or hire an escort, as long as your money is green and you don't smell bad I'm pretty sure they don't give a shit about any of your shortcomings, whatever those might be. For a reasonable fee she will doo all of the things that your hand won't.