The funny repost thread!

[ThePresence]

Post Your Funny Reposts!

Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We
always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from
the male side. These are our rules!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.

2. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

3. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

4. Crying is blackmail.

5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.

10. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

11. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

12. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

13. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

14. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

15. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

16. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

17. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

18. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

19. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

20. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such
topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

21. You have enough clothes.

22. You have too many shoes.

23. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

24. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

 

[Jfrag Teh Foul]

LOL

 

[cheapgoose]

:beer:

 

[Fausto]

It's a repost, so I'll repost a similar bit.

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

8:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday

8:45 Breakfast in bed - Freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents - expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner

9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil

10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer

10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo condition, blow dry

12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe

12:45 Catch sight of boyfriend's ex and notices she has gained 7kg

13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit

15:00 Nap

16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist - card is from secret admirer

16:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body

17:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror

19:30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers

22:00 Hot shower [alone]

22:50 Carried to bed...[Freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen]

23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM

6:00 Alarm

6:15 Blow job

6:30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section

7:00 Breakfast - rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench

7:30 Limo arrives

7:45 Several Whiskeys en-route to airport

9:15 Flight in personal Lear Jet

9:30 Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club [Blow job en-route]

9:45 Play front nine [2 under]

11:45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon

12:15 Blow job

12:30 Play back nine [4 under]

14:15 Limo back to airport

14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo

15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew [all nude]

16:30 Land world record Marlin [1234lbs] on light tackle

17:00 Fly home - massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson

18:45 Sh*t, shower, shave

19:00 Watch news - Richard Simmons assassinated; marijuana and porn legalised

19:30 Dinner - Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon, big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a pair of t*ts

21:00 Napoleon Brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall size TV as you watch Match of the Day

21:30 Sex with three women [all with lesbian tendencies]

23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and cleansing ale

23:30 Night cap blow job

23:45 In bed alone

23:50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room

 

[JBT]

HAHA

 

[ThePresence]

Fausto, your repost pwn3d mine 1000x.

 

[azazyel]

17 is the golden rule at my place.

 

[samgau]

Speechless...

 

[Fausto]

Originally posted by: ThePresence
Fausto, your repost pwn3d mine 1000x.

Oldy but a funny. Here's another...."letter from a spurned lover".

Dear Terri:

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Terri." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at the Rainbow Room and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, Terri, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this coed, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so surface. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Terri? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a quart of <edited for AT>, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Terri, to watch. Do you know that I mean? Nothing feels the same without you, baby.

Jesus, Terri, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at Mt. Sinai Baptist Church? Well, she drops by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we have a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're f*cking in our old bedroom. And this broad's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about God and her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Terri ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid." (Some of this I thought about later.) You know what I mean? What happened to our spontaneity? You get so caught up in the routine of a marriage and you just lose sight of each other. And then you lose yourself.

That's the saddest part of all for me. But I keep thinking we can get it back. I know we can, because I only want this stuff with you. Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Shannon's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders. She's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. (She's pulling for us to get back together, Terri. She really is.)

So we're drinking in the hot tub and talking about happier times. Here's this hot girl with the same DNA as you (although, let's face it, she got an extra helping of the sexy gene) and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Shannon's really into the whole an*l thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside the <edited for AT> of your sister's <edited for AT>, all I can do is think of you? It's true, baby. In your heart you know it.

Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. I keep thinking that I think if you'd just try it, I wouldn't have to pressure you so much. Because who needs all that bitterness, Terri? It just tears us apart. And I can't be apart from you.

Because I love you.

 

[Maximus96]

that was great

 

[GtPrOjEcTX]

nice

 

[Abhi]

 

[moonshinemadness]

Fantastic damn thats funny

 

[Farfrael]

HAHAHA ..
the spurned lover letter is great.
thx for the laugh :beer:

 

[emb09]

fantastic

 

[Fausto]

Originally posted by: Farfrael
HAHAHA ..
the spurned lover letter is great.
thx for the laugh :beer:

Friend of mine emailed it to me....thought it was worth the copy/paste.

 

[ThePresence]

Originally posted by: Fausto

Originally posted by: Farfrael
HAHAHA ..
the spurned lover letter is great.
thx for the laugh :beer:

Friend of mine emailed it to me....thought it was worth the copy/paste.

HAHA, yeah it was. :beer:

 

[dquan97]

pretty funny

 

[MercenaryForHire]

This thread rocks.

- M4H

 

[datalink7]

The Difference Between Men and Women

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named
Elaine. He asks
her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A
few
nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves.
They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while
neither one of
them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought
occurs to
Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you
realize
that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly
six months?"

And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to
herself: Geez,
I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been
feeling
confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push
him into
some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this
kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more
space, so I'd
have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going
the way we
are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are
we just
going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are
we heading
toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am
I ready
for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: So, that means it was... let's see...
February when
we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the
dealer's,
which means...let me check the odometer... Whoa! I am way
overdue for an
oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face.
Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship,
more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before
I sensed
it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it.
That's
why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings.
He's afraid
of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the
transmission
again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not
shifting right.
And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this
time. What
cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting like a
garbage
truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd
be angry,
too.

I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the
way I
feel.

I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty...the
rats!

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting
for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting
right next to
a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I
truly do
care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person
who is in
pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give
them a
warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up
their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
beginning to
brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel
so... (She
breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no
knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no
horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.

There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he
can,tries to
come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that
he thinks
might work. "Yes," he says.

Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you
really feel
that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing
him to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if
it
involves a horse. At last she speaks.

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn.

When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos,
turns on the
TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a
tennis match
between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in
the far
recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on
back there
in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever
understand
what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about
it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two
of them,
and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.
In
painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and
everything he
said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word,
expression,
and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible
ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off
and on, for
weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions,
but never
getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a
mutual friend of
his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and
say, "Norm,
did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

 

[BullsOnParade]

Lol, nice one Fausto.

 

[Kalvin00]

 

[MystikMango]

What!? No Leykis 101 students here?

Rule 1: Never date a single mother. Why? She made 1 mistake already (having a baby), you don?t want to be mistake #2. Or? she has a baby already, and you will never be 1st in her life as the baby will always come first.

Rule 2: When out to dinner with a woman, and she answers her cell phone, excuse yourself from the table and leave her with the check. Why? She?s either talking to the babysitter (see Rule 1) or talking to the dude that she?s going to bang after you pay for dinner. Or? by taking her out to dinner, you are basically paying for the exclusive use of her time, it?s just plain rude for her to be on the phone in the middle of dinner.

Rule 3: Never hold a woman?s purse. Why? She can hold it herself. When she goes shopping by herself, do you think she asks other people to hold it? Probably not, so there?s no need for you to hold it. It?s a female power play.

Rule 4: Always use a condom, always. Forget the STD lecture and think about your bank account. Do you want to pay for a child you don?t even want for the next 18 years for 5 minutes of pleasure?

 

[azazyel]

My favorite part:

Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

 

[xSauronx]

Originally posted by: MercenaryForHire
This thread rocks.

- M4H

yeah that sounds about right