The TeAm's Great BBQ Recipe Compendium

[bryanW1995]

Traditionally men have gathered together to hunt the biggest game in the forest (usually moose, reindeer or even bear) and kill it with their bare hands. The meat is then divided evenly between all the houses in the village and grilled over a fire or hot charcoal unseasoned.

If you live in an area where all you get is some low meat content animals such as squirrels, mice, moles etc. people usually don't bother and eat grilled sausages with some mustard instead. Sadly this is gaining popularity and our manliness suffers as a result.

Ok, I can see a group of manly men killing moose or reindeer with their bare hands, but how the f*** do you guys kill a bear that way???

 

[petrusbroder]

Very carefully:

You have to surprise the bear. Therefore you take a cold bath (to remove most of the "man"-smell) then you find where the bear i question has peed and rub the dirt on yourself - that is called olfactory mimicry. Then you look for the bear. When he slumbers, you carefully approach the bear, very quietly, holding your breath. :biggrin:
When close enough, you exhale your fetid breath and punch him with your left fist in the middle of his snout/nose. When the bear rises his head, you punch the bear on the windpipe - larynx with your right fist and as hard as you can. You have to put all your weight behind that punch or you may suffer the consequences.
If you hit him correctly, then the bear will faint (the so called vagus-reflex, when hard enough, makes the heart go into fibrillation, which is very inefficient in pumping blood and the bear faints almost at once; that is why you never ever should hit a human on the wind pipe).
You now have approximately 1 minute to strangle the bear: since his neck is very thick the only way to do that is to compress the carotid-arteries just approx. 1½ inch to each side of the windpipe. To do that efficiently you push very, very hard with your thumbs where you may feel a very weak heartbeat, which BTW will be very fast and thus quite difficult to feel. It takes approximately 4 - 5 minutes for the bear to go to bear heaven, but his fighting spirit will never revive ... :\

All the above will work if you do it all correctly.
If not ... you'd better be very fast at running and climbing ... or become the bear's next meal. :|

You could be two hunters doing this. You could also use a club to hit the nose. But for the wind pipe hit the club is too clumsy - there the hit must be dead on. For the strangulation you could grab some nut-sized stones instead of using your thumbs, but the risk is that the stones may glide to the side and thus not occlude the arteries. ^_^

This method actually works, when performed correctly. You could practice on bear cubs (when they are half grown and only approx 80 kg), or on sick and old animals, but you have to do it with a good sized and healthy brown bear male to prove your manliness. And you have to have at least two unrelated male human witnesses ... ()

However, when successfull, you will get the choiciest part of the bear's meat, his dried heart, and his claws. After first a cold bath, then at least ½ hours sauna and then cooling down in the snow and brushing your teeth with birch twigs, you will be accompanied to your resting place by at least two blond, blushing, well proportioned, scantily clad young women, who will do their best to keep you awake as long as possible. Therefore I advise you not to drink too much alcohol ... or not to hunt the bears in this way. ()

Edit: @mk: is this post a nef of the highter quality and grade?

 

[mk]

Thank you for saving me the trouble of typing all that.
I would've needed to ask a little help on some of the details, having never taken part in a Hunt. I was never big or strong enough so hunting Bear was out of the question but can still remember how serious my uncle was when he repeated how "quick and decisive" our actions needed to be when facing the King of the Forest. "You must respect the Lord of the Woods," "there's no room for error" and all that.

I wasn't trying to complain about your posts, petrusbroder. You aren't a proper nef in the sense that your posts actually have content unlike what you can often find in threads dedicated only to increasing one's post count but yes, that was a quality post.
And let's face it, if posts were required to add something useful to the discussion and be on topic my p.c. would be in single or low double digits.

 

[petrusbroder]

No prob, mk. I never thought that.
My grandfather (on the maternal side) introduced me to the hunt. He was not so big but quite strong. And he knew the anatomy of every animal worth hunting in the woods. He claimed that the bear was not the most dangerous animal to hunt, while the European Bison (Visent) was ... For that prey you need to be at least 6 hunters and the death rate (for the hunters) was often 25 - 50%.

 

[Rudy Toody]

I don't think I want to try this because when I lived on a chicken ranch, I had difficulty strangling chickens. Even more difficulty with turkeys.

 

[Lightflash]

Petrus, that was the best method I have ever heard on how to kill a bear with your bare hands. I applaud you and now must go find a bear.

 

[petrusbroder]

Now, let's see: Does anyone have a good recipe for Bear BBQ?

I mean, since Lightflash is going to provide the meat - and it should be around 150 - 200 kg ...

 

[Lightflash]

Now, let's see: Does anyone have a good recipe for Bear BBQ?

I mean, since Lightflash is going to provide the meat - and it should be around 150 - 200 kg ...

Actually I heard bear is terrible to eat, but then again I have been told that about pretty much anything I have eaten and enjoyed.

Hopefully someone has a large BBQ pit and can help with the skinning.

 

[petrusbroder]

I don't agree: bear meat is just great. I had some just 2 days ago - it was the fillet, medium, well seasoned.

Tell us when to come - I'll bring my sharpest knife for the skinning and a sharp axe to split the joints!

 

[Lightflash]

I don't agree: bear meat is just great. I had some just 2 days ago - it was the fillet, medium, well seasoned.

Tell us when to come - I'll bring my sharpest knife for the skinning and a sharp axe to split the joints!

Well then I must find a place that will give me a bear steak dinner. Only thing around me that is size in hunting is deer. Although I must admit that deer tenderloin is one of the best meats I have had.

 

[Fullmetal Chocobo]

HAPPY TOWEL DAY!!! Yes, I'm at work, wearing my towel. Not just my towel, but my towel in addition to everything else. I scare people enough around here.

 

[petrusbroder]

Yay! Happy Towel Day, FMC!

 

[The Borg]

What a pleasant surprise to find this informative thead still weaving its way along...

 

[bryanW1995]

WOW...just, WOW. I will NOT be trying to kill a bear anytime soon (hopefully), but at least if I do find myself in need of that particular skill in the future I won't be completely unprepared.

edit: next time I go to Rudy's I'll see if they have any good recipes for bear meat. Something tells me they'll know how to cook it just right...

 

[Rudy Toody]

What a pleasant surprise to find this informative thead still weaving its way along...

Hi Perry! Glad to see you are still weaving your way along!

 

[Rudy Toody]

Yesterday was one of those beautiful sunny spring days in Seattle that makes living through all the rain worthwhile.

I decided to go out and enjoy the sun, but I didn't have any sun-block. So, I slathered my body with Buttery-Flavored Crisco. It seemed to work, but I finally had to come back inside after a neighbor lady came outside and rolled me in flour.

 

[petrusbroder]

I would have liked to see that! LoL

We want pics!

 

[bryanW1995]

One time I flew from houston to Seattle in early may. It was mid 90's with 98% humidity in houston, and mid 50's in seattle. I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt, all my other clothes were packed up. I thought my mom was kidding when she told me it would be "cold" in seattle...moral of the story, always listen to your mother!

 

[Wiz]

Whoa, hold on - 55F in May - HEAT WAVE!!
Bet there were locals in shorts and sandals, I'm sure you didn't stand out too much - except... we may go out in shorts and sandals in May, but we usually take a coat just in case.

We call it "dressing optimistically".

 

[petrusbroder]

Just now 9ºC (48.5ºF) here in northern Sweden - almost summer ...

 

[bryanW1995]

I've decided that it would be much easier to emigrate to a warmer climate than a colder one. I get chills when the temp drops below 68 f (20c). I actually use my pool heater 9 months out of the year.

LOL @ "dressing optimistically". My trip was back in 1997, it's amazing how much "smaller" the world feels today.

Does anybody else find it funny that people in colorado buy beach houses in florida and people in florida buy ski lodges in colorado?

 

[rabrittain]

Wow!! Whazzzuuuuup!!? The stats.free-dc.org site is down!!

 

[petrusbroder]

Here is one receipe for ...

BBQ Bear Stew

3 lbs. bear steak, cut in 2-inch cubes
5 pieces uncooked salt pork, or 5 pieces of thick bacon (chopped)
1 cup catsup
1/3 cup A1 sauce
2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
2 cups onion diced
1 tablespoon orange juice
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon chili powder
Serves 6-8


Steps

Trim all fat from bear steak (bear fat tastes rancid) and cut into 2-inch cubes
Sear meat with bacon or salt pork so it’s brown on all sides in a heavy fry pan or cast iron wok.
Place the meat in casserole.
Add rest of ingredients to a bowl and mix well, then pour into the casserole and bring to a boil, stirring constantly, then put casserole into hot bbq grill, cover and and bake for at least 2 hours in a 325F oven, stirring occasionally until meat is tender.

You have to cook bear meat very well because bears often have trichinosis. Only cooking it well enough (above 74ºC) will kill those parasites. So: no rare, medium-rare or medium, only well done!

 

[petrusbroder]

Here are some links for bear meat cooking:

http://www.bowhunting.net/susieq/bear.html

http://www.canadaintherough.com/cooking_recipe.html?s=3&e=2

http://www.recipeslib.com/on-the-grill/19060-grilled-bear.html

 

[petrusbroder]

Now let us nef some more ... we need to hide these receipes in a clutter of posts!