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VMware says "Pull My Finger" for Environmental Action
PALO ALTO, Calif., April 1, 2008 - You may have noticed a distinct change in menu recently for VMware's weekly lunches. VMware is now recycling all employee methane production, to be deposited in a new, environmentally safe and innovative collection apparatus located in each restroom toilet seat and urinal. All cafeteria lunch menus are now optimized for maximum methane emission, to further the cause of VMware's latest initiative in the ever-expanding field of employment ecology - a radical new PGE inspired workplace bio-emission conservation program entitled, "Freedom And Responsibility Together" (FART, Palo Alto Chapter), in conjunction with VMware's long-standing corporate sponsorship of the highly successful and widely acclaimed, "Peace Out Of Productivity" and "Scientific Humanitarian Industry Trust" national movements.
In two weeks, the newly furnished, specially designed employee and conference room chairs at the Promontory campus will be equipped with Anal-Sys(tm) methane collection and biometric identification systems to track methane collection by employee ID. All VMware employees (especially managers and
executives) are encouraged to participate, with the greatest energy producers recognized at Annual Review time; though VMware is already recognized as the industry leader in bio-emission repurposing, it is expected that Microsoft and Sun will follow shortly given the already massive energy savings VMware has already demonstrated in its pilot program. Other campuses will be added each week until all VMware sites are contributing excess methane. The energy salvaged from this revolutionary new program will power lights in the Prom-C cafeteria, all conference rooms, and in the near future, ESX servers in the local machine rooms and OSDC.
"FART technology is helping our customers realize significant energy and cost savings, while addressing critical data center capacity issues," explained Helen Burt, senior vice president and chief customer officer for PG&E. "We expected this would happen; after all, there are far more java programmers than cows."
"This is not only an environmental issue. It's an issue of energy independence and it's an issue of national security," said Lee Thomas, head of the Environmental Protection Agency under President Ronald Reagan. "We need to all come together on this and the time to move on it is now, not later."
Other companies are partnering with VMware in this effort as well. "Lowering energy costs through data center employee methane harvesting is a key opportunity for our IT customers," said Diane Bryant, vice president and general manager of Intel's Server Platforms Group. "The rebates that PG&E customers receive as a result of deploying methane capture and reclamation systems in cafeteria environments will be a big incentive for moving faster with their energy conservation efforts." Energy prices in prime bean-eating states Massachusetts, Texas, Arizona and New Mexico have already dropped considerably after successful deployment of methane harvesting systems. Those keen on reducing dependence on foreign energy supply need look no further than the next Wednesday lunch, hopefully Mexican food.
So the MySQL distributed database system (installed in Virtual Machine Appliances and distributed freely on VMware's Appliance download site) can properly classify and credit methane deposits, each participating employee will submit a valid gluteus-maximus impression (GlutPrint(tm)) for database insertion. Each GlutPrint(tm) and sample emission must be generated in the presence of a member of VMware's management, HR or cafeteria staff using VMware-provided standard photocopy machines located in each building. In addition, each campus visitor is now required to submit a GlutPrint(tm) as well, so the Anal-Sys(tm) equipped conference room chairs can validate, classify, and credit the methane source.
Unidentified methane production will result in release of waste methane into an externally viewable combustion chamber which will safely ignite the emission before it can contaminate its surroundings. This will also serve to alert others that an individual requires security to validate and authorize his or her presence on this campus, given that all campus visitors must be processed before admission to the property. In the event of a temporary power system failure this feature may also function as an alternative lighting source. Please consult user manuals distributed with each Anal-Sys(tm) installation and VMWeb for more information.
All participating employees are subject to minimum contribution requirements as established by your manager and physician - failure to do so will result in compulsive methane extraction using VMware cafeteria's patented methane generation system via weekly Wednesday lunch; VMware has contracted with Bon Appetit for additional methane production, providing them with target incentives for employee production. Employees working from home may also contribute using VMware-provided Anal-Sys(tm) auto seat and home collection systems.
If Anal-Sys(tm) technology demonstrates a low false-positive identification rate, VMware may expand its usage to replace the current card-based building-access system; each door will be equipped with a biometric gluteal scanner (GlutScan(tm)) from Anal-Sys(tm), obviating the need for last century's antiquated badge technology. Extensive testing of this system is already in process. Noted Jeff Hanson, VMware Facilities Site Manager and badge controller, "Badges can be lost or stolen, but one can never lose one's ass."
NOTE: Any employee caught using Beano(tm), an illegal substance, on VMware property, will be severely disciplined, up to and including termination.
Beano was classified as a Schedule I controlled substance under Section
III.4b,13 United Nations 2007 Convention on Ecological Hazards. Please consult the Employee Handbook for more information.
Please, eat more beans! VMware needs your valuable contribution to the ever-expanding cause of energy conservation.