To the married men out there, got any "wifeisms"?

[StrangeRanger]

I'm married myself, and as a joke, me and some friends are trying to come up with a list of things not to do/say to your wife for a bud that is about to get married. Anyone got any pointers?
j

 

[PrinceofWands]

Don't come home at 430am, drunk off your butt with 3 friends, throw open the bedroom door, flip on the light, kick the foot of the bed and say "Bitch, get up and cook us breakfast!"

When she says "Do you still think I'm pretty?" don't respond with "Compared to what?"

When she asks "Where's your sense of humor?" don't respond "Well I married you didn't I?"


Here's a couple get of trouble free cards:

Wife: Do you notice anything different about me?
Husband: I couldn't notice anything, I was blinded by your beauty.

Wife: How could you forget ______?!
Husband: The joy I've experienced being with you has obscurred other memories."

 

[Carbo]

Well, my wife stopped asking me if a certain outfit makes her look fat when I replied, "No, your ass makes you look fat".

 

[NuclearNed]

Get ready to learn more information about calories, hair, and clothes than you could have ever imagined existed.

There is no correct answer to most questions.

Buy a second television.

 

[glenn1]

"jeeez, your mother was right when she warned me about that" is a definite no-no. Also, tell him to never, ever, disagree with her in disputes with her mother, that's a sleeping on the sofa for a month type offense...

 

[KiltedFool]

Not married, but nearly so, and a few lines:

"A man is incomplete until he is married, and then he is finished."

Son: "How much does it cost to get married Dad?"
Dad: "I don't know son I'm still paying for it."

Marriage - It's not just a word, it's a sentence.

KF

 

[MrMilney]

Never, ever say "Honey, I know you're upset but my show is almost over, can you wait 5 minutes to talk?"

 

[MomAndSkoorbaby]

MrM,

I like that one!

 

[PullMyFinger]

Damnit Carbo,
Well, my wife stopped asking me if a certain outfit makes her look fat when I replied, "No, your ass makes you look fat".

You nearly made me laugh coffee out my nose with that one.

 

[Carbo]

Pleased to make your day, PullMyFinger.

 

[(M)]

After 3 kids, she asks "Am I too big?"

I say, "No Honey, my **** is too small"

 

[StrangeRanger]

^bump
I need more guys. or hell, gals, what has your man said that sent you into a flying rage (not that you thought you were in a flying rage)?
j

 

[KiltedFool]

If at any point, you find out that you are the one in the argument who is right, apologize at once!

corollary:
Apologizing to your wife has nothing to do with being wrong and everything to do with tranquility.


Natural law of marriages:
Hormonal influence on female behavior may NOT be mentioned by the man until AFTER the woman has already mentioned it's presence. If you mention the impact on her rationality BEFORE she mentions it, head to the couch. Once she acknowledges the effects, you may nod your head and agree safely.

Any help?

 

[zmatrix]

A lot of issues can be put to rest in the first 5 minutes of a situation by the husband apologizng...at least that what most women say.

 

[HomeBrewerDude]

An old standby of mine (actually my wife uses this one too):

You're right, dear, and I was wrong. It will never happen again.

 

[Electric Amish]

Don't argue because you'll never be right.

Don't say anything because it will:

a) always be wrong
b) even though you said it, it's "not what you really meant".



<< Apologizing to your wife has nothing to do with being wrong and everything to do with tranquility. >>



This is VERY true.

amish

 

[KiltedFool]

Another spin on the same concept:

There is no such thing as winning an argument with your wife.

KF

(How'm I doing guys, considering I'm not even married yet)

 

[miniMUNCH]

Dude...I feel for all you.

MY wife never argues with me. She really is extremely rational almost 100% of the time...more than me,that's for sure. But, on the otherhand, I always treat her with utmost respect and care so we never argue.

We have never yelled at one another or anything...I thought this was normal because my parents never argued or yelled...but I have come to find that this is very unusual.