Discussion Uncertain if I am unconsciously repelling peers and friends. Or am I simply overthinking the issue?

[interchange]

I don’t think anyone said that. It’s just human nature.

That's what I was trying to say, but also I am not particularly bothered if someone thinks I'm an asshole. I don't aspire to be one by any means, but I recognize both that you simply can't be compatible with everyone and that what someone thinks of you often says more about them than it does about you.

 

[Satyrist]

Frankly, it actually does. And people aren't assholes for making such attributions. A lot of our body language is simply hard-wired or at least socialized into us unconsciously at a very early age. There is positive feedback from abnormalities in eye contact, etc. and negative cognitions about one's social ability and status. That can exacerbate things by adding embarrassment and fear. You certainly could, even as an experiment to record results if you wished, do intentional practice of making eye contact, smiling, keeping your body position more open and filling more of the available space, gravitating more toward the center of a room instead of the borders, etc.

Well, from that perspective, I've got something a bit more concrete to work with now. If for no other reason, that if I'm going to get viewed as an asshole, I'd prefer to be actively guilty of being so, instead of mistakenly.

*edit : I'll give the experiment a try.

 

[snoopy7548]

Well, from that perspective, I've got something a bit more concrete to work with now. If for no other reason, that if I'm going to get viewed as an asshole, I'd prefer to be actively guilty of being so, instead of mistakenly.

*edit : I'll give the experiment a try.

So you're going to act like an asshole in order to prove you're not an asshole? Sounds like you might be an asshole...

 

[Red Squirrel]

You sound similar to me. Social stuff can be hard, it's hard to perceive how others see you etc or how to act in a certain situation. Because of this I tend to be more quiet/reserved as that is safer than trying to be fake, but that's often not well excepted in this extroverted world. I try not to overthink it though. The people that DO know me know I don't mean any harm and as far as I'm concerned that's all that really matters to me.

I often forget about this but I actually am on the autism spectrum, really low though... but that probably does play a bit of a role. But I think it's mostly just the fact that I'm just really introverted, and getting more so as I get older. Like I think back of being a kid in school, and I can't imagine myself going back to such a setting now. Just being constantly with other people all day and not stopping to have to do stuff with them like group projects etc. I just want to sit down in my own work area and do what I have to do.

I consider myself lucky to have a pretty simple job that does not really require any social interactions. I do socialize a lot with coworkers but I also know them well. I'm not traveling to different customers etc like some jobs. I remember when I first started in IT I did get sent out a few times to different customers and always felt awkward and shy. I guess I did something right though as more often than not the customer would actually say good things about me to my boss. So yeah, at the end of the day it's probably best to just not overthink what others might think of you, as it's probably not even bad.

It is true what they say though, as you get older you start caring less and less what people think and I actually see that in myself to some extent.

 

[Satyrist]

So you're going to act like an asshole in order to prove you're not an asshole? Sounds like you might be an asshole...

*shrug*

There's continuing to follow a set of steps that don't appear to be all that successful, and then there's trying something a wee bit different.

 

[interchange]

I see more of a spectrum in body language:
Aloof --------- open --------- domineering

On the aloof side you aren't giving enough information about who you are so people have to fill in the gaps with their own projections. On the domineering side people don't have space for their own selves to contribute. You want to be somewhere in the middle, showing an openness to connection but not an obligation. If the suggestions are overdone, I can certainly see it coming across as domineering/asshole behavior.

Would love to hear your results.

 

[purbeast0]

I've learned a long time ago that life is too short to worry about what other people think of you.

This is what I was going to post in here myself but saw someone else did.

I feel like once I realized this, my mindset changed big time. It didn't really happen to me until my late 20's or early 30's.

But once I started to not care what other people think, and just do what I do, it made life a lot more enjoyable and less stressful.

EDIT:

And social media doesn't help either, because everyone who uses it thinks everyone else cares about them, but most people really don't. No one cares that you are checking in at Five Guys to eat a burger, or that you are on vacation in the Bahamas.

 

[ImpulsE69]

I think we've reached a point in society where the 'not caring what anyone thinks' has gone a bit too far though. Most of the stupid things people have done or said are followed by 'I don't care what anyone thinks'. Caring what others think is a big part of what keeps people in check and not being complete assholes. Confidence and asshole are a fine line. Some of this stemmed from social media distance/anonymity and has crawled into real life interactions.