Unpopular opinion: 2 working parents bad. 1 needs to stay home and raise the children

[brainhulk]

2 elementary school aged kids. Wife quit her dream research position. Immediate effect on school performance, now that she can help and monitor them after school. I think the benefits for the children outweigh the extra money we would have. My wife agrees this is for the better even though she had to give up her dream job.

2 working parents bad. Don't let babysitters,relatives, and afterschool daycare raise your kids.

 

[jpiniero]

In a lot of a country, that's not really doable since you need two incomes to afford the mortgage among other things.

 

[IronWing]

Sell children for medical experiments: the win that keeps on winning.

 

[Red Squirrel]

That's how it SHOULD be but the economy is forcing both to work because costs of living keep going up. Go back 30 years and it was more doable as everything was cheaper.

 

[Stopsignhank]

Just curious why you did not quit your job? I did and was a stay at home dad for 7 years. Actually part time for 2 or 3 years before that.

Of course it helped that my wife made more than I do.

 

[zinfamous]

That's how it SHOULD be but the economy is forcing both to work because costs of living keep going up. Go back 30 years and it was more doable as everything was cheaper.

It SHOULD be whatever works best for the parents and family. In many cases, both like to work because they like what they are doing. Children are either fine being raised in daycare or with family, or not. It all depends. All humans are not the same single entity.

In ~5 years, when those kids no longer need constant supervision, what is Mom going to do after being 5 years out of her field? In some industries, it's not too difficult to waltz back in, but that isn't always the case.

I just think that each family needs to decide for themselves if they have that luxury. ...mainly, it's not that the economy forcing all parents to work is why parent's feel that they all have to work, across the board. There are many, many reasons that both parents work that don't have anything to do with the state of the economy.

 

[whm1974]

2 elementary school aged kids. Wife quit her dream research position. Immediate effect on school performance, now that she can help and monitor them after school. I think the benefits for the children outweigh the extra money we would have. My wife agrees this is for the better even though she had to give up her dream job.

2 working parents bad. Don't let babysitters,relatives, and afterschool daycare raise your kids.

How old are the kids? What will you do if you get laid off or fired? Your employer goes under? If the kids are attending grade school, there no reason for your wife not to work part time at least.

 

[snoopy7548]

This is probably something that should be decided before having kids, though I understand "accidents" happen.

Of course having one parent at home all day will be better for the kids growing up, especially when they're infants, but that's not possible in all cases.

Maybe look into consulting/work from home?

 

[brainhulk]

How old are the kids? What will you do if you get laid off or fired? Your employer goes under? If the kids are attending grade school, there no reason for your wife not to work part time at least.

5 and 9. If i get laid off and fired, I believe my wife will be able to find work in the private or corporate sector. The research position will not be easy to come by. And unfortunately none of these positions have half day positions that would allow her to be home before 3pm. So she volunteers at the elementary school. She keeps up her clinical skills by helping her friends out if they need a random Saturday off.

 

[pete6032]

How old are the kids? What will you do if you get laid off or fired? Your employer goes under? If the kids are attending grade school, there no reason for your wife not to work part time at least.

Wow way to judge a situation with no context. What if OP makes good money, has a steady career, 10 months of emergency fund, etc?

 

[soulcougher73]

I agree and I have no kids.

 

[Luna1968]

I understand that in many situations it takes two incomes to pay the bills. however when i see a woman at work making 80K and i know damn well her husband is making that if not more goes back to work as soon as she can. I find that so wrong, either one of than can quit and make it if they cut cost. But nope gotta make those two Audi and the McMansion in the burbs payments. to those people money and climbing the career ladder is more important than being a mommy or daddy.

 

[whm1974]

Wow way to judge a situation with no context. What if OP makes good money, has a steady career, 10 months of emergency fund, etc?

Neither you nor I even know anything about @brainhulk financial well being. And I assume nothing.

@Luna1968 Why are you assuming that just because a woman make 80K that her husband is making that or more? The are plenty of men who make considerably less then their SO does.

 

[Kaido]

I mostly agree with this, but I also have mixed feelings on it. Whenever possible, I think it'd be amazing to have one (viable) parent stay at home while a child grows up. My mom was able to do this & it was a really great experience for me growing up, so my frame of reference, having experienced it myself & having had it be a positive element of my life, means that I see it as a Good Thing.

However, my wife was a full-time nanny for some really wonderful families, where everyone's situation was unique. When I lived in the south, the cost of living was way cheaper and you could afford to have one parent stay at home. I live in the northeast now, and it's very difficult to not have both parents work, if one parent doesn't have an awesome-paying job.

So sometimes there are simply financial restrictions that dictate the situation, which means that the kiddo has to be watched by the grandparents. Other times, there are other factors involved. For example, my buddy couldn't stay sober to save his life - he was a great dad outside of his drug use, but his life was a wreck & he couldn't stop using, and fortunately his parents were available to watch the kids. It got so bad that eventually he got his kids taken away from him & the grandparents are now the full-time guardians, and those kids are in a waaaaaay better situation now than they were before.

Also, some people just don't do well as parents, but still want to have families & raise their kids well, and I don't think that involvement but managed assistance is a bad thing. I'm not saying that in a mean or negative way, but sometimes you get two highly-driven "power couples" who both have a strong need to be at work, and having a loving, caring nanny at home to mitigate two Type-A personalities can help tremendously. People are the way they are, so seeing that situation in action kind of changed my view on things, to allow for more variation in different situations, while also getting good results.

Everything really boils down to the "it depends" principle, as applied on a per-situation basis. Sometimes you situations where have one or both parents pass away, or are physically/emotionally/mentally unavailable, and a family member or friend has to take care of the kids. I do think having a caring stay-at-home parent is a good thing, when available, and is a really good target to aim for. One of my friends is a "product of the system", as he likes to say, and was in foster care from a young age...from his stories, it was an incredibly difficult experience for him in so, so many aspects.

I think that having a caring, dedicated person in your life growing up that you have daily access to is a huge benefit. Ideally, that would be a functional biological parent, but circumstances often dictate the situation, and you do the best you can given your set of constraints. And it doesn't just apply to babies & younger kids, either:

Eric Bettinger: Why Stay-at-Home Parents are Good for Older Children

www.gsb.stanford.edu

But yeah, I think, in an ideal world, having one capable parent to stay at home with the kids would be something to strive for. But I also know a lot of single working moms who are doing a great job raising their kids with the resources they have available, and there are just plain a lot of people in really crappy situations. Growing up, my friend's mom died of cancer & they had 4 kids at home, so their sister had to bail from college & take care of them, because his dad had to work during the day to provide for them. Not an ideal situation, but that was their reality, and they all turned out fine!

 

[brianmanahan]

with a median personal income of 32$k, it's tough to swing it for a lot of people

 

[Kaido]

with a median personal income of 32$k, it's tough to swing it for a lot of people

For better or for worse, your personal financial situation pretty much dictates what options are available to you, especially in America, where you often have to travel by car to go anywhere. I spend between $200 to $400 a month just in gas, primarily because of my job, and it's not like walking or biking is an option, not just because of the distance between places, but also because we hardly have any sidewalks here, lol.

There was actually a really good article & interview on CNN today: "I took maternity leave twice as CEO of Stitch Fix. Here's what I learned"

I took maternity leave twice as CEO of Stitch Fix. Here's what I learned

I took two 16-week maternity leaves as CEO. I was out of the office the whole time, delegating the role of steering my public company to our President and COO.

www.cnn.com

Some interesting stats:

* More than 60% of households with children have two working parents
* 40% of families with children under 18 at home have mothers who earn the majority of the family income

This is a great quote from the article:

In my view, universal leave is one of the best ways that we can positively impact the trajectory of gender equality. By setting the stage for equal roles in early parenting and raising the next generation's children in households where parents assume more equal roles, we are setting important norms for our children and instilling values they will take into creating their future. I want my boys to grow up with two parents who share an equal responsibility for taking care of them. Universal leave helps do that by establishing equal parenting from day one.

Like you mentioned with the financials, unless you're fortunate to be independently wealthy or have a high-paying job, finances kind of dictate the situation, and the situations can be difficult. For example, I make pretty decent money fixing computers & can work as much as I want because I'm freelance & nearly all businesses are computer-driven these days, but I also want a family life & need to block out time for that. My wife is a stay-at-home mom (per both of our choices & family goals), but she also does family portrait & real-estate photography on the side.

I already average 70 hours a week as it is, and her contribution helps so that I don't have to work more to provide well for my family. Between that & budgeting (yay Instant Pot!), we're able to make things work & enable her to stay at home while our family is young, but she's definitely ready to go back to work full-time as soon as the situation allows for it.

I don't think the traditional JFK "dad works, mom stays at home" was a bad thing, if those were your personal family goals, but I like the idea of parental equality in terms of responsibility a lot more. Where I grew up, a lot of dads were pretty hands-off, because they were the breadwinners & their wives were the domestic engineers, and that split defined the behaviors & familiar normals in the culture of the 80's & 90's. But like today, my buddy's wife works & he stays home with the kids, and I'm not gonna lie, I get super jealous sometimes, because he meal-preps like a boss, goes hiking with his kids all the time, plays video games with his kids, etc.

Granted, I realize that's actually a tremendous amount of work & responsibility to manage on a daily basis, but still, it looks pretty awesome, haha! But, my wife always wanted to be a mom & homemaker for when the kids were young, and we've had to work to find ways to make that happen. Not everyone is that fortunate, based on their skills, education, and opportunities, but while it's difficult to apply across the board, I'm definitely a big fan of having kids raised by a stay-at-home parent who is capable of providing for their child.

I qualify that ("capable") because one of my buddy's moms in high school had untreated bipolar disorder & he had a really difficult (and scary) childhood at times. I knew another kid who had a severely alcoholic father who raged all the time, and things weren't like they are today where CPS would (generally) pounce on that situation right away.

TL;DR - life is difficult; do the best you can!

 

[esquared]

Neither you nor I even know anything about @brainhulk financial well being. And I assume nothing.

@Luna1968 Why are you assuming that just because a woman make 80K that her husband is making that or more? The are plenty of men who make considerably less then their SO does.

Brainhulk is a baller. Most of us know that here.
He showed us a copy of his check one time
to embarrass the rest of us.

 

[TheVrolok]

Just to add another anecdote, my wife or I would love to stay home, but our student loans say "no way no how!"

 

[Exterous]

with a median personal income of 32$k, it's tough to swing it for a lot of people

Even when its not the allure of a 3200+ sqft house for 4 people, pricey SUV leases and a garbage pile of electronics is too much to resist for many

 

[mikeymikec]

I think the death of 'a job for life' also plays a role in the situation, for most people I think it makes sense to have two career irons in the fire, because who knows what might happen in the future, another recession, the gutting of an industry, health problems, etc.

It's also annoying (as I understand it), that part-timers are often paid less per hour than full-timers, so therefore keeping the pilot-light on for one's career becomes problematic. That's just aside from in say America where your healthcare goes down the toilet if your job does, or job availability means taking a job with a crappier healthcare package. If my health problems had occurred in America, I bet that I would have had to stay with my parents for many more years until I got my career back on track, that's aside from being lucky enough to have parents with the means to help me.

It's a wonderful thing to say, "ideally, one parent should stay at home and mind the house/kids", but the environment that made that scenario plausible for most people IMO died a long time ago. Ideally, an abortion would never be necessary, or hospitals, police etc.

 

[brianmanahan]

Even when its not the allure of a 3200+ sqft house for 4 people, pricey SUV leases and a garbage pile of electronics is too much to resist for many

lol true

i know a guy who makes about as much as me could've paid off his 3k sqft house in his late 30s and start saving for his kids college funds

nah, lets go for a 4k sqft house and buy a bmw

then again when your parents are worth millions, i guess why not

 

[ponyo]

My wife stays home and doesn't work. It was easy decision for us because at best she might earn $30k a year or less if she worked. The extra income would be nice but we don't really need or miss it. I know my daughter appreciates her mom being home when she comes home from school.

 

[BarkingGhostar]

2 elementary school aged kids. Wife quit her dream research position. Immediate effect on school performance, now that she can help and monitor them after school. I think the benefits for the children outweigh the extra money we would have. My wife agrees this is for the better even though she had to give up her dream job.

2 working parents bad. Don't let babysitters,relatives, and afterschool daycare raise your kids.

The wife and I had a choice. We could have done what you did but we chose the opposite path. We kept our jobs, avoided making concessions and now have and enjoy all of the toys that it comes with.

 

[Majes]

One thing that isn't mentioned in this thread is the cost of child care... I know a two-teacher couple that essentially has one of their incomes wiped out to pay for their child care costs. At that point wouldn't it make sense to stay home and raise the kids yourself?

I think we could do a lot better for our kids in this country... I had a student tell me the other day that she was excited for her dad to get out of jail in a few weeks, but she was worried because her mom was sleeping with her uncle...

I've seen a lot of kids that suffer because a school or a day care just isn't good for them, but at the same time I have so many students whose home lives are so terrible that school is literally a godsend for them and the only chance they have to see anything good in life.

The family unit can be a powerful tool in raising successful children, but it is suffering in this country at the moment. Day cares and schools are trying to fill that gap, but they really aren't made for that sort of thing.

 

[Geekbabe]

2 elementary school aged kids. Wife quit her dream research position. Immediate effect on school performance, now that she can help and monitor them after school. I think the benefits for the children outweigh the extra money we would have. My wife agrees this is for the better even though she had to give up her dream job.

2 working parents bad. Don't let babysitters,relatives, and afterschool daycare raise your kids.

yes, it’s all good till divorce time comes, then the stay at home mom becomes nothing more than a leech who sat home eating bon bons while the poor man slaved away supporting everyone. And look your honor she has an advanced degree... why should I pay any alimony? Forget that she’s been out of the work force for five years or more. Child Support, why I‘m going to have the kids 50% of the time ( on paper anyway, hahaha) Marital property? She signed a prenup, that’s all she gets.

I think becoming a stay at home parent is like committing fiscal suicide be you man or woman.

btw, this is a general statement not aimed at the OP at all. I wish you & your family all the best. I do have to wonder though how your wife will cope, agreeing that a decision is “ for the best” isn’t the same as saying ” the job was miserable, thank you for allowing me to be home with the kids”

There is also this issue...the huge costs of education, there will be many who feel women shouldn’t pursue advanced degrees, that the money will be “ wasted” since she’s just going to be home with the kids.