An alcohol check mystery shop at a grocery store after the clerk gave me a hard time about writing from a different perspective...
Sailing the seven seas is a tough job. So when I received word from the king that he had a dirty little job for me on land, I jumped for it. A true pirate must accumulate land and favor to become famous, so I set sail for the Port of Chester in New Amsterdam, a place you call New York in the New World. A long sea journey lay ahead, but my crew and the parrot on my shoulder were ready for the challenge.
Now the King told me to infiltrate the great Atlantic and Pacific Tea Company and find out if they allowed young people to purchase grog and flaunt the laws of the government. As I am a pirate I really don't care for laws and such, but when in Rome, do as the Romans do. So, disguising myself as a landlubbing weenie, I approached the store.
It was a dark and stormy night. The fact that the store was not rocking back and forth shocked me. I felt confident that my peg leg would not slip out from under me because the parking lot was free of trash. The lighted sign of the store shined like the north star that guided my ship home after the great storm at the Barrier Reef. The shopping carts were packed neatly in their pen, like all the gold my crew found on Gilligan's island. The sales ads hung in the window as motionless as the sails on a motionless ship on a motionless sea when there isn't any motion. The entry vestibule was clean and free of trash, but it felt almost like walking the plank. I did not notice any associates loitering in the parking lot or in front of the store, probably because they were afraid of the big pirate approaching them in an ill fitting polo shirt and chinos. With a parrot. And a peg leg.
The inside of the store was clean, well lit and without any dangerous spills. And if I did end up taking any dangerous spills with my peg leg, I would sue, as my aunt is a lawyer. The products were well stocked and properly marked. I also am properly marked with the tattoos of a pirate who has sailed the seven seas and visited the most dangerous spots on Earth. The music volume was proper and I did not notice any offensive smells. After years at sea one does learn to ignore offensive smells. I did not hear any security announcements. Funny since I expected somebody to alert the other shoppers to the presence of a pirate in their midst.
The employees were in what seemed to be proper dress and on the sales floor. As a pirate I would prefer a uniform of weapons and striped shirts, but I know these landlubbers like their novelties and niceties. Let them enjoy these things while the real men go to sea. The employees did not observe the ten foot rule as I passed by. Actually in the pirate world the ten foot rule means one must keep ten feet between them and me, or else my parrot will insult them mercilessly. The employees were busy at their tasks though. Their tasks included not going to sea and fearing how much of a manly pirate I am. I did not notice any managers on the sales floor or by the registers, and that is a good thing, since pirates despise authority figures.
So after all of my toil, I was refused a purchase of alcohol! But, Mr. Ahab O'thedeep, you are a great and gnarly pirate, why didn't you take the grog and raze the town? Aye, I must be a gentleman when it comes to the King's mission, so I quickly removed myself from the establishment, boarded my ship and left the forsaken town. Now, as my crew and I slink away, I dream of my improved influence with the King and my chances of marrying his beautiful daughter. Aye, life is good.
Umm.. excuse me, my name is Charles, and that big pirate O'thedeep is my uncle. I had to type all of his rantings on my computer, or else he would sink my house. With cannons. Even though I like i Iowa. Anyway it is really hard to read words that are written in blood, but I finally did it. I was pretty upset to find that I had to rewrite the entire story, but I was ready to do it. To save my house from pirate attack. In Iowa. But unfortunately, somehow the dread pirate found out that his orders did not come from the King, but from a mystery shopping company. And this brought down his whole house of cards. No pirate glory, no influence with the King, no King's daughter, and worst of all, no pension. Last I heard he went crazy and razed Havana. May we pray he never returns to the Port of Chester in New Amsterdam.