what do you think makes a relationship work?

[MrDudeMan]

what makes you want to stay in your relationship? obviously no one has a perfect one, so what makes you want to work at it and continue? after say 6 months, what level of unhappiness are you willing to sort through? do you believe there is a common list of things you both need to have in order for it to work out?

i have been in a relationship with a beautiful, nice, and caring girl for almost 3 years. i love her for her, but im beginning to realize i dont know who "her" is. i sat there and thought about the things we do and dont have in common, and i realized we dont really have a lot in common.

thats why i am asking this question...what makes your relationship with your SO tick?

thanks ahead of time for the serious input

 

[Maverick]

we respect each other's space and can have great conversations. We work in the same field also so we can talk about just about anything with each other. Plus there is a strong attraction between us.

 

[MidasKnight]

what makes you want to stay in your relationship?

Loving each other. Having allot in common.

i have been in a relationship with a beautiful, nice, and caring girl for almost 3 years. i love her for her, but im beginning to realize i dont know who "her" is. i sat there and thought about the things we do and dont have in common, and i realized we dont really have a lot in common.

In your situation I'd think about a seperation for a small period of time. Have you step back and be outside of your relationship to gain another perspective on it. You might find that you and her are really meant to be together or you might find out that it really isn't meant to be.

One thing I've learned being married to my wife ( 16 years ) is that problems will happen but those problems are really growing opportunities if both choose to learn from the experiance.

Good luck.

 

[PingSpike]

Boatloads of a dirty sex.

 

[slycat]

just be glad ur at this juncture now instead od married w/children.

 

[Electric Amish]

Accepting a person for who they are and not trying to make them be what you want them to be.

 

[WhiteWonder]

nothing, relationships arn't ment to last.

 

[Jzero]

I don't know.
Seriously. I sat in relationships for as long as 3 years and knew it wasn't right but it wasn't bad enough to want to get out.

Well, when I met the one who was "right" it just felt that way. I saw her and pretty much said "I want that one!" the key is that she felt the same way.

 

[Kadarin]

Communication, mutual attraction, and mutual interests and common ground.

 

[djheater]

I realize it's not for everyone but I've come to see Shakespeare's Sonnet 116 as a Zen koan for relationships:

Sonnet 116
William Shakespeare

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

 

[sillymofo]

Tolerance.

 

[BillyBatson]

wow 3 years and you are now seeing this? What made you start analyzing thigns in the first place?

I think the #1 thign in a relatonship is friendship. As long as youa re friends first thigns are more likely to go well more often! you will talk more, hang out more, get along more, won't argue as much cuz come on do you seriously yell and fight with one of your boys? no, you are alos willing to take mroe crap from your friends on average and be able to talk it out faster or put it behind you.
Other obvious thigns are honesty, trust, having the right htigns in common and the right things not in common and so forth, all of which are present in a real friendship anyway.

 

[Rudee]

Sincerety. If you can fake that, you got it made.

 

[jjones]

Duct tape.

 

[Yeeny]

Originally posted by: BillyBatson
wow 3 years and you are now seeing this? What made you start analyzing thigns in the first place?

I think the #1 thign in a relatonship is friendship. As long as youa re friends first thigns are more likely to go well more often! you will talk more, hang out more, get along more, won't argue as much cuz come on do you seriously yell and fight with one of your boys? no, you are alos willing to take mroe crap from your friends on average and be able to talk it out faster or put it behind you.
Other obvious thigns are honesty, trust, having the right htigns in common and the right things not in common and so forth, all of which are present in a real friendship anyway.

Friendship is really the most important thing, I agree. If you respect your sig other, and genuinely like them for who they are inside, then you can get through almost anything. Being able to grow with the person is important also. People change over time, and its very rare that three years after you get with someone, that they will be the exact person they were at the beginning. But you probably aren't either. What matters is if you can accept the changes, and they can accept yours.

 

[MrDudeMan]

let me elaborate on my feelings a little bit...

oh, FYI, i really appreciate the serious answers. i know everyone is different, but it lets me look from a different point of view and realize some of my faults may be causing things to go wrong as well. i am interested in fixing this because i have a lot of time invested in this relationship and she is a great girl.

the reason i am just now thinking about this is because i kind of woke up one day, had breakfast, and looked at her picture in the frame in my room. i sat there thinking about how cute her smile is, and then it just hit me...i dont really know a whole lot about her besides she is cute as a button and i love her for who she is. but that was just the problem...i analyzed my feelings and figured out i dont know who she really is. i mean i do, but i dont...its complicated (im sure you all understand).

to make some things clear: we were friends before we started dating (for about 2 months i guess) and we are still friends now. when we argue, i try to just take a deep breath and let it go (unless it needs to be sorted out immediately and emotions are involved). it doesnt always work, but i make an honest effort. she doesnt like to argue, but she also doesnt like to debate and discuss things. i like to, so that kind of gets on my nerves. i see something controversial, i want to talk to her about it, and she just ignores me or gets a little frustrated if i dont see it her way. she doesnt get mad and need things to be her way, its just the confrontation part of it that she avoids.


Yeeny, I really thought about your post and took it to heart. i know i am a different person in some ways and so is she, and as far as i know she is willing to roll with the punches. the problem is she wont tell me what i am doing wrong. i let her know what i dislike about her (not in a rude way, i say it very nice and calm the first 10 times, then i start to get a little annoyed). i try to talk to her about it, but i think she is afraid to hurt my feelings. i said to her a few weeks ago "please, i dont care how bad you will think you hurt my feelings. just tell me if i do something, anything at all, that bothers you." she sat there silent, even though i know i do things that annoy her.

i am willing to accept her changes, and she is willing to accept mine. however, she wont tell me anything about herself in the process, which is why there is that big problem. i dont know if i have stepped on her toes because even if i did she wouldnt tell me.

i really do love her, even though at this stage im having a hard time putting a finger on why, but i know i do.

 

[MrDudeMan]

Originally posted by: Jzero
I don't know.
Seriously. I sat in relationships for as long as 3 years and knew it wasn't right but it wasn't bad enough to want to get out.

Well, when I met the one who was "right" it just felt that way. I saw her and pretty much said "I want that one!" the key is that she felt the same way.

i like your answer because it is sincere. i wish you had more insight because typically your responses are incredibly on target, but i can respect your opinion on this. hopefully it works out that nicely for me :beer:

 

[djheater]

Originally posted by: MrDudeMan

i really do love her, even though at this stage im having a hard time putting a finger on why, but i know i do.

I regard the emotion of love as a spiritual experience. I try to NOT qualify it, because I feel that to define it by qualification would be to limit my ability to experience it honestly.

 

[StageLeft]

Entropy. I mean empathy.

 

[MrDudeMan]

Originally posted by: Electric Amish
Accepting a person for who they are and not trying to make them be what you want them to be.

sometimes i feel like i am doing that to her, but honeslty i try not to. i asked her not to do simple things that annoy me or get on my nerves...i dont try to push her to be another person to fit my liking (at least i hope i dont...i really dont do it on purpose if i do)

 

[RossMAN]

Love and fun with food

 

[MrDudeMan]

Originally posted by: djheater

Originally posted by: MrDudeMan

i really do love her, even though at this stage im having a hard time putting a finger on why, but i know i do.

I regard the emotion of love as a spiritual experience. I try to NOT qualify it, because I feel that to define it by qualification would be to limit my ability to experience it honestly.

i can agree with that, but i also think you need to love things about them also...i mean i love spending time with her, i love her smile, i love all that, but i need to love things about her as well in order for me to be happy (if that makes any sense). maybe im wrong and im just trying to hard to make it work...and maybe i need to just relax, but i will admit i simply dont know and i want to fix it.

 

[Kadarin]

Originally posted by: Skoorb
Entropy. I mean empathy.

I think you meant "inertia"..

 

[MrDudeMan]

Originally posted by: Astaroth33

Originally posted by: Skoorb
Entropy. I mean empathy.

I think you meant "inertia"..

hehe :laugh:

 

I love her because shes my sister, duh.