Bought another surge protector, a cheapo just to plug in some cheap stuff that didn't even need surge protection. However, the POS has a busted LED on the on/off switch. Surge protection LED indicator works, I can get power out of it, so I think I'm going to let it slide. Package sucked and the thing was bouncing around in the box, so it may have been a return.
Edit: Okay, I'm an idiot -- lulz -- the switch, apparently, doesn't light up. Sort of confirmed on Amazon, and looking closely at the switch, there seemed to be a solid opaque layer inside the switch. Couldn't spot an LED like all my other switches. I just assumed it did because the other six surge protectors I had from the same brand had light-up switches.