What to do about GF's parents?

[BigToque]

This is a very strange situation for me as I've NEVER encountered parents like this (with either someone I've dated or just regular friends)

My gf is 19 (20 in april - I am 20, 21 in july) and her parents are very controlling of her. She has to ask when she wants to go out. They tell her how long she can go out and when she has to be home. This is not just with me, but even with her friends as well.

Most times when we are out (or when anyone ever goes out), things don't always go as scheduled. Dinner starts late, a movie runs long, etc. Life happens and sometimes the night takes a couple extra hours.

The last time she was over (she came over for dinner with me and my family last night), she was supposed to be home by 9:30. She got home at about 10:30. 1 hour late, no big deal.

Anyway, she tells me today that she now has a curfew and is only allowed to go out 1 time a week (1x/7days)!

WTF are her parents thinking? This has been happening for so long and every time it comes up, they seem to threaten her living situation, telling her that she lives in their house so its their rules. She has tried talking to them in every imaginable way and they are just totally unreasonable. There is no compromising with them.

What kind of fscked up people are they? I am not gonna say anything to her parents as this is a problem between her and her parents, but I would like to help her out somehow.

What do I have to get her to say to her parents that the way they try to control her is totally unacceptable?

She doesn't want to cause problems, but I told her that this is a bad situation and someway she is gonna have to tell them that they are not gonna tell you what to do anymore and that they are just gonna have to deal with it. There isn't a nice answer to this problem.

 

[BeauJangles]

Well, they have no legal control over her anymore. I wouldn't go down that path though, it will only lead to more conflict. Has she really sat down with them and explained everything? i.e. Why she's been late in the past (and how it's not her fault) and how she feels that by being 19 she can make her own decisions?

 

[BMdoobieW]

What do I have to get her to say to her parents that the way they try to control her is totally unacceptable?

Excuse me? Until she moves out of their house, they are in control. Period.

 

[BD2003]

She can either move out, or she can put up with their sh*t. There is absolutely nothing she can say to them, trust me. I had a friend in the same situation, the only way things changed was when she moved out to live with her boyfriend for 6 months. By the 6th month they were begging her to come back and things changed.

 

[Eli]

She is an adult, they have no control over her.

She should just tell them that she is old enough to make her own decisions now, and that they need to kindly fsck off.

I suggest she get out on her own as soon as possible.

 

[Jzero]

she lives in their house so its their rules

Is about the long and the short of it. It's pretty absurd to expect someone who is 20 years old to be home at 9:30. That's really stupid and controlling. OTOH, as long as you live rent-free with your parents, you really don't have much room to complain. If you really want to have that degree of control, moving out is the only real option.

 

[Yossarian]

It isn't that hard to get her home on time. You guys blew it, too much smooching after the movie is over. It sucks but you guys brought it on yourselves. If she doesn't like it, move out. Maybe if she follows the 'rents rules for a few weeks the curfew will lighten up.

 

[BD2003]

Originally posted by: BlinderBomber
Well, they have no legal control over her anymore. I wouldn't go down that path though, it will only lead to more conflict. Has she really sat down with them and explained everything? i.e. Why she's been late in the past (and how it's not her fault) and how she feels that by being 19 she can make her own decisions?

They have no legal control, but they also have no legal duty to feed her, clothe her etc. In her parents house, its their way or the highway.

 

[godmare]

Originally posted by: Stefan
This has been happening for so long and every time it comes up, they seem to threaten her living situation, telling her that she lives in their house so its their rules. She has tried talking to them in every imaginable way and they are just totally unreasonable. There is no compromising with them.

This I don't understand:
You're going to be 21 this year, and she 20, and you both still live with your parents? If you aren't going to grow up and be independent from them, why should they let you just do whatever you think you ought to do?

Btw, I'm 21 and haven't lived with my parents in over six years.

 

[Eli]

Originally posted by: BMdoobieW

What do I have to get her to say to her parents that the way they try to control her is totally unacceptable?

Excuse me? Until she moves out of their house, they are in control. Period.

Nonsense. She's 18, they have no legal control over her.

 

[Eli]

Originally posted by: PipBoy
It isn't that hard to get her home on time. You guys blew it, too much smooching after the movie is over. It sucks but you guys brought it on yourselves. If she doesn't like it, move out. Maybe if she follows the 'rents rules for a few weeks the curfew will lighten up.

She's 18, the rules are absolutely rediculous. I haven't had rules like that since I was like 12, literally.

 

[godmare]

Originally posted by: Eli

Originally posted by: BMdoobieW

What do I have to get her to say to her parents that the way they try to control her is totally unacceptable?

Excuse me? Until she moves out of their house, they are in control. Period.

Nonsense. She's 18, they have no legal control over her.

They could perfectly well send her packing, too.

 

[chiwawa626]

Originally posted by: BMdoobieW

What do I have to get her to say to her parents that the way they try to control her is totally unacceptable?

Excuse me? Until she moves out of their house, they are in control. Period.

I have to agree with that, as long as she lives in their house she is under their supervison, care, and control. You need to show some resposibility (who knows how) to the parents so they can trust you fully. From now on (both of you) try being on time and im sure the restrictions will slowly rise.

 

[optoman]

I went out with a girl and her parents were always telling her to be home at 10. She was also 19 and it never changed. If she was ten minutes late, they would be pissed. Even a couple of years later her parents still tried to control her. The basically picked the college she went to. It sucks having parents like that. She eventually broke down and moved to Seattle away from her parents in Chicago.

Good Luck.

 

[Spac3d]

If she doesn't like their rules she can move out. I don't see the problem here.

 

[godmare]

Originally posted by: Spac3d

If she doesn't like their rules she can move out. I don't see the problem here.

Exactly. Maybe in 25 years you'll know what it's like to have your kids loaf around when they're 20 years old and think they rule the roost.

 

[Eli]

Honestly, the only way solve the problem is through communication. She has to tell them how she feels.

It's not completely unreasonable for a 19year old to be independant regardless of who she's living with. There is no point in the parents creating conflict, all they're doing is making her want to leave. If they realized that, maybe they would shape up.. because they aren't going to have any control when she does move out.

 

[Angrymarshmello]

What everyone is saying is true - she lives under their house, so it's their rules

 

[pinoy]

Originally posted by: Eli

Originally posted by: BMdoobieW

What do I have to get her to say to her parents that the way they try to control her is totally unacceptable?

Excuse me? Until she moves out of their house, they are in control. Period.

Nonsense. She's 18, they have no legal control over her.

whats with the age thing? just because she's 18 she can do whatever she wants? if she thinks she can support herself, feed herself, clothe herself, put roof on top of her head, i'd say she's mature enough to do whatever she wants. But for now, she just have to follow the rules. Although, telling her to talk to her parents will probably help to have a good and trusting relationship.

 

[godmare]

Originally posted by: Eli
If they realized that, maybe they would shape up..

That's the most bass-ackwards statement in this thread yet. They're not making her turn tricks for food and board.

 

[Kanalua]

Originally posted by: godmare

Originally posted by: Spac3d

If she doesn't like their rules she can move out. I don't see the problem here.

Exactly. Maybe in 25 years you'll know what it's like to have your kids loaf around when they're 20 years old and think they rule the roost.

She should grow up, and move out...haven't lived at home since the summer after high school graduation.

Edit: And when she moves out, if she still wants to be parents free, she gotta pay her own way...take hand outs from the parentals (ie - rent/food money), then you can expect to be on their leash.

 

[HappyPuppy]

As long as she lives at home she has to obey her parents rules. I don't care if she's 35 years old. She is living off of her parents. They are paying the bills.

If she doesn't like it all she has to do is get a job and move out. Simple, huh? Not for everyone. Some people take longer to mature.

 

[rgwalt]

Ultimately, if she is economically dependent on her parents, they have a say in how she lives her life. Now, it SHOULDN'T work like that, but there is no getting around it here. If they don't like what she is doing, they can kick her out, make her pay rent, or stop paying her bills for school, etc. So, until she can support herself, or you are willing and able to support her, you have to play by their rules.

Sorry buddy.

Ryan

 

[BigToque]

I can't understand you people who say "If she doesnt like the rules then she should move out" and "as long as she lives in the house she has to live by the rules". That is just absurd.

Do you people have any idea how difficult it would be to pay rent in an appartment and still pay for school? We are all old enough to make decisions for ourselves at 18, but most people until they hit about 24 (or are out of university) can not afford to live on their own. Its just not reasonable to expect that.

Of course your parents are providing a great service for you by letting you live at home. But the fact is, THATS WHAT BEING A PARENT IS! You help your kid with things until they can support themselves. If you are going to school full time and working to make some money for yourself your parents should help you with shelter and food as long as you need. Obviously you pay for your personal things like clothes and entertainment, etc.

What kind of fscked up parent thinks "Ok, well my kid is 18 so I dont have to LEGALLY support him, MY JOB IS DONE"?!?

 

[Eli]

Originally posted by: godmare

Originally posted by: Eli
If they realized that, maybe they would shape up..

That's the most bass-ackwards statement in this thread yet. They're not making her turn tricks for food and board.

What are you talking about? You took my statement totally out of context, read it with the other sentances.

What is the point in forcing these rules on her? That's right, there are none, as far as we know. Why can't she live her life? It does not matter that they are providing food and shelter, they can still be reasonable. Like I said, it sounds as if they are being controlling. Why? I don't know. She needs to find out, and the only way she's going to do that is by talking with them.

Most problems are caused by a lack of communication. They probably don't realize how it is affecting her. If they really are trying to be controlling, then the thought of her leaving should be enough to make them change their thought process, that's all I was saying.