What to do about GF's parents?

[Jzero]

Originally posted by: Stefan

I bet they're Chinese parents

Shes polish. (well her grantparents are - her parents are just white. I dont know what kind of white though )

I'm Icelandic

I dated a pure-bred Polish girl (both her parents were 100% Polish). It was a VERY similar thing. There was a grandfather clock in the hallway. Her mother chose curfews in a seemingly arbitrary fashion (she would have to be home at like 10:00 on a Sat night, yet going out after a concert on a Thursday night, with the same group of people and school the next day, she could stay out until 12:30AM. WTF?). The grandfather clock was the official time. If she wasn't in the door by the time it finished chiming, her mother would be pissed. I would usually try and get there 15 min. early and then we'd sit on her doorstep and talk until we heard the clock chiming.

At the time, I was 18 and she was 15. Not quite the same age difference, and we were both in HS, so her mom's curfews made a little more sense. We broke up when I went to college. It was just too weird being in so different worlds. I no longer cared who got the clarinet solo in the fall band concert.

FWIW, I bumped into a friend 2 years later who was now dating her, so she was 17 or 18, and he was asking me on advice for how to deal with her strict and over-protective mother.

My advice to him was similar to what I posted earlier in this thread - you just got to deal with it. Staying on her parents' good side is a very good idea. Get her home early. If she can't/won't move out, then you gotta either deal with it, or move along.

 

[pulse8]

Just know that as long as she's living there, it will NEVER get better. I had to deal with similar problems, they weren't quite as crazy as yours, but the problems never went away because as long as she was under her parent's roof, she was under their control and if she would fight it, it would only get worse.

 

[frizzlefry]

been a while since i've posted... and now i know the reason why... non sensical questions as posed above... use your friggin head man and figure it out. it's common sense. they're controlling. she's living under their roof. they support her. deal with it or move on. nuff said.

 

[isasir]

I have quite a number of female friends in similar situations. Some of 'em need to flat out lie to their parents, just so they can go out with their boyfriend, while others just can't lie to 'em, and thus have it worse. All of 'em are Indian.

One in particular actually did move out a few years ago, just for the sake of having freedom from curfew. She's not one to even drink, party etc. You'd think that'd change her parents, right? Wrong. She's back home now, supposedly because her parents got sick, and she needed to take care of 'em. Her curfew is still the same tho'.

Besides flat-out having her ask her parents what she can do to get the curfew raised to a more reasonable time, I don't know what else to say (besides what everyone else already has).

 

[FuZoR]

she has to talk to her parents... but if they dont budge move out
she is living other their roof, so they have the right of the being overprotective and whatnot.

 

[radioouman]

Ask her to marry you, and then you won't have to worry about it.

 

[SlowSS]

Originally posted by: radioouman
Ask her to marry you, and then you won't have to worry about it.

Marry her for this reason??? Also, he said he just met her two weeks ago.

As a parent, it is their duty to nurture, educate and protect their child, but not a tyrant or overbearing.
Stefan, you don't know their situation enough to say they are screwed up parents, I just can't see
you know everything about their lives in just two week to consider them screwed up parents.
Maybe there was tragic incident occurred in their family enough for her parents to keep tight rein on her, who knows.

I expect my children to follow my house rules (which I absolutely don't have any problems with)
and be considerate. When my daughters go out, I expect them to show common courtesy and call
home once or twice to just let us know that she is alright and tell us what time they are expected
home. It has nothing to do with keeping them on leash, I worry about them, there are lot of crazy people
out there, and I am definitely concerned about their well being and safety.

As for Stefan's gf, she has choice, she could talk to them to give her little more freedom because of her age,
or just put up with their demands, or move out. It is her choice to make, not stefan.

 

[SagaLore]

Wow. Parents actually being parents. How unusual...

 

[dirtboy]

Originally posted by: BMdoobieW

What do I have to get her to say to her parents that the way they try to control her is totally unacceptable?

Excuse me? Until she moves out of their house, they are in control. Period.

 

[T9D]

..

 

[Jzero]

Basicly it comes down to treat others like you'd like to be treated.

That doesn't really work when it comes to parenting. Sure, if I was living with someone, I'd like it if they let me stay out until 4:00am without getting mad at me, but when you're a parent, sometimes you've got to be a hardass for your child's own good. Being a parent is not about being a friend.

 

[pulse8]

Originally posted by: SagaLore
Wow. Parents actually being parents. How unusual...

I'm sorry, but asking a 20 year old child to be home by 9:30 is ridiculous.

 

[HokieESM]

Originally posted by: SlowSS

Marry her for this reason??? Also, he said he just met her two weeks ago.

As a parent, it is their duty to nurture, educate and protect their child, but not a tyrant or overbearing.
Stefan, you don't know their situation enough to say they are screwed up parents, I just can't see
you know everything about their lives in just two week to consider them screwed up parents.
Maybe there was tragic incident occurred in their family enough for her parents to keep tight rein on her, who knows.

I expect my children to follow my house rules (which I absolutely don't have any problems with)
and be considerate. When my daughters go out, I expect them to show common courtesy and call
home once or twice to just let us know that she is alright and tell us what time they are expected
home. It has nothing to do with keeping them on leash, I worry about them, there are lot of crazy people
out there, and I am definitely concerned about their well being and safety.

As for Stefan's gf, she has choice, she could talk to them to give her little more freedom because of her age,
or just put up with their demands, or move out. It is her choice to make, not stefan.

Wow... one of the most sensical responses in this thread. As a 24 year old in graduate school who has been out on my own for four years, paying my bills, I have come to appreciate how my parents dealt with me. But then, of course, I realize they could only deal with me that way because of my level of responsibility at the time. I never had a curfew--of course, I DID have to tell them when I would be home. If I was 15 minutes late, my parents would have been angry..... but if I called an hour before and said "Mom, I'm running late, I'll be home at ____", everything was fine. And I didn't violate this trust (because it is a priviledge).... I tried hard to give them accurate assessments of when I would be home... and called if I was running behind.

Just a few recommendations for the original poster. NEVER bring her home late. EVER. Call her parents during the date. Several times if necessary. Put some "accident" time in the schedule. If it helps, go over with her parents WHAT you're going to be doing on the date: it might make a big difference. If you say "we were planning on going to a movie that starts at 9 and gets out at 11pm", they'll be a LOT happier than if they don't know what you're doing--idle time (in parents' minds, at least) leads to trouble.

Anyhow... best of luck with it....

 

[BigToque]

People should be reasonable. All people have feelings and desires. If they care about someones happiness they would try and be reasonable. Everyone should try and be understanding. Living under someone elses roof doesn't make them God over you or give them the right to treat someone indecently. ......granted her situtation isn't all that bad but I've seen some jacked up stuff that parents do to their kids. Basicly it comes down to treat others like you'd like to be treated. I know there is no way a lot of parents would like to be treated the way they treat their kids. It's all about being balanced and reasonable.

This is exactly how I feel. Once you start to grow up (at about 17), you just have to let your kids be their own people. We don't need you to protect us anymore. We need you to be a friend and someone who can help guide us. If we mess up, you can say "there you go, I said you SHOULDN'T dont it.". Thats good, then we have learned something about life because you let us. By saying "NO, you CAN'T do this" doesn't help us learn anything. You may have made mistakes before and you learned from that mistake. We need to make our own mistakes and learn from them ourselves. You can still worry about us when we go out (thats what a parent does), but this is the time to let us try and venture out on our own. And by doing that, I don't mean you drop us out of the nest and say "fly or die". We still need you guys to help us, but we also need you to let us to try to fly with a safety net below.

Just a side note: She's been my gf for 2 weeks, but I've been dating her for 1 month.

 

[BigToque]

Being a parent is not about being a friend

Of course it is!

 

[n0cmonkey]

If she doesnt like it, she can move out. Simple solution for a simple problem.

EDIT: Oh yeah, and if they are this controlling, I am sure you all call the parents when she is going to be late.

 

[StageLeft]

That's so pathetic that they require a 20 year old to go home earlier than I had to when I was 16. Holy shiznit batman.

 

[Sid59]

Originally posted by: Jzero


I no longer cared who got the clarinet solo in the fall band concert.

that's awesome. That made my night.

 

[Siddhartha]

Originally posted by: Stefan
This is a very strange situation for me as I've NEVER encountered parents like this (with either someone I've dated or just regular friends)

My gf is 19 (20 in april - I am 20, 21 in july) and her parents are very controlling of her. She has to ask when she wants to go out. They tell her how long she can go out and when she has to be home. This is not just with me, but even with her friends as well.

Most times when we are out (or when anyone ever goes out), things don't always go as scheduled. Dinner starts late, a movie runs long, etc. Life happens and sometimes the night takes a couple extra hours.

The last time she was over (she came over for dinner with me and my family last night), she was supposed to be home by 9:30. She got home at about 10:30. 1 hour late, no big deal.

Anyway, she tells me today that she now has a curfew and is only allowed to go out 1 time a week (1x/7days)!

WTF are her parents thinking? This has been happening for so long and every time it comes up, they seem to threaten her living situation, telling her that she lives in their house so its their rules. She has tried talking to them in every imaginable way and they are just totally unreasonable. There is no compromising with them.

What kind of fscked up people are they? I am not gonna say anything to her parents as this is a problem between her and her parents, but I would like to help her out somehow.

What do I have to get her to say to her parents that the way they try to control her is totally unacceptable?

She doesn't want to cause problems, but I told her that this is a bad situation and someway she is gonna have to tell them that they are not gonna tell you what to do anymore and that they are just gonna have to deal with it. There isn't a nice answer to this problem.

I would never strain my relationship with my girlfriend by criticizing parents. I would keep quiet and help her out as much as I can.

 

[dakata24]

sucks to be in that situation.

might not have helped that your relationship is still pretty young and have already broken curfew.

good luck.

 

[Jugernot]

Her parents are old fashioned just like mine are... when I first started getting serious with my ex, my parents wanted to know everything about where I was at all times. I tried everything and they never gave in... I moved out and it fixed it.

For financial reasons, I moved back in with them and they are no longer as controlling as they were. Of course it helps that I'm now 21 versus 19, but I think they finally understand that they can't control me. Maybe she shoulddo the same?

btw, I do happen to agree with her parents, as much as I hated to hear it from my own parents. When she is living under their roof, it's their rules...

 

[dabuddha]

I didn't go through all the posts but is she asian?
btw, for those that say she is an "adult" and she has the "right" to go out and whatnot, I can't wait till your kids throw that in your face
She lives under their roof, she has to live by their rules. If she doesn't like it, she can pack her bags, kiss her family goodbye, and move out