When marriages go bad, how do you prevent/forsee that?

[SagaLore]

Here are some guidelines:

1. You're married, so don't think about other women

2. Put your wife before yourself - if you both do that, then compromises come easier.

3. Try to make her life easier, the less stressed she is, the less she will stress you out

4. Sometimes, you just have to say you're sorry and was wrong (about anything) even though you aren't/weren't

5. Don't ever do anything stupid to lose her trust

6. Tell her she's beautiful every morning

7. Divorce is only for people that are selfish, people might change, but marriage is a COMMITMENT, so make it work no matter what

8. Don't pretend you like something, or she'll hold you to it years from now (a food/scack, movie, type of clothing, etc.)

9. If you want to talk to her about sex - wishes, problems, suggestions - do it much much before you're having it, not during or right after

10. Just remember there is a reason you married her, some days you might forget why, but always remember there was a reason, so no matter how you feel or how the situation is, you hold to that reason even if you can't remember what it was, because later you'll remember again and be glad you never gave separation a millisecond of thought

 

[SagaLore]

<< My parents divorced after 16 years. I've been married to my wonderful wife for almost 24 years. My theory is that people don't change. The person you date is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Try and get to REALLY know that person before the marraige and kids. >>



This is a really good point. People really don't change. What happens is people pertend to be someone who they aren't, just to satisfy the other person, and you can only mask yourself for so long until your ownself get's so unsatisfied you need to be yourself - and that's when people use the excuse "people change".

Now even though people don't change, they do grow up, so if you get married extrememly young before you or the other have a chance to realize who they are, then yes that can screw things up. But even so Marriage is a COMMITMENT so you HAVE to make it work.

 

[SagaLore]

<< The simple answer:

Women feel very strongly that talking solves all problems, men like to grunt & scratch.

Supress the natural urge to grunt & scratch & instead listen to & talk to your wife EVERY DAY...


I could throw around the bonding, networking, feeling, men are from Mars blah blah blah all day, just talk to her & collect a few scars, yeah, chicks dig scars. (I've broken 10 bones & look like a freaking roadmap when I'm naked from all the scars & stitches)

I'm married for the 2nd time; in Texas, you're allowed one failed "starter marriage"

If things start to go bad, it's usually too late to salvage what's lost, went to therapist with first wife & she left me that evening, I kept on with the therapist, who commented that when a couple seeks help, it's usually way too late

The relationship ending thing is sort of odd, you both start to develop a response to a stressor that causes a "flooded" feeling, sort of a residual of all the old arguments & it gets to the point where a look or posture can trigger it. Once the couple reaches this stage it's pretty well all over. >>



Grunt? Scratch?

I'm offended by that stereotype. My wife does all the grunting and scratching.

 

[wyvrn]

A -- Communication. You can never have too much.
B -- Time. With both partners working nowadays, this is ultra-important. It is easy to drift away from your mate if you never see each other and share your experiences.
C -- Trust. You must feel at all times like your mate is loyal to you. Lack of trust can kill a marriage very quickly.

That being said, my wife and I have all 3. Time is probably the hardest for us because she works 12hr shifts, and I have school and a company to run. Very stressful. Communication is key, it is easy to get lax when things are going well, but the lines must always be open for it.

I think each couple ideally should see their priest/marriage counselor *before* marriage. This person can usually help you sort out issues such as religion, finance, etc.. before they become problems. Oh yeah and the realization that marriages are hard work, and love is the undying devotion to your loved one even when things are *hard*.

 

[SagaLore]

<< Ok, I was in a research project about married couples for about 3 years and this is what I've collected from the hundreds of couples I had to observe.

The #1 problem in marriage is sex. One person always wants it more. They're too tired. Or one of the spouses is tired of always being the one to initiate sex. Especially after you have kids. You just never have time. First off, you have to make time. Even if it comes to the point where you have to schedule it in "Wednesday nights after we put the kids into bed" or whatever DO IT. And be aware of who is initiating all the time. Basically each person wants to know they are still attractive and wanted by their spouse. This is easily forgotten after 20 years of marriage.

After that, different problems could range from whatever. It really does come down to communication and just not taking the other person for granted. Keep the surprises going and the affection you show her constant no matter if it's 5 or 10 years later. And if you have a problem with something tell her. Learn to compromise. etc. It has to be equal from both sides though and not just one person always giving giving giving. The other spouse always ends up resenting it.

Anyways, after being involved in that research project I got really scared of marriage. But I still think it's possible to have a happy one that lasts forever. Good luck!! >>



Ever since my wife started on the pill, her labido literally disappeared. She knows it too, she wants her labido back.

 

[Red Dawn]

<< don't let third parties put their noses into your >>

You got that right. That was a main contributor to the breakup of my Marriage.

 

[Kaieye]

Simple: Who ever you marry(the opposite sex) should be your best friend...

 

[PlatinumGold]

i've been married almost 7 years now. for us the toughest year was our first year. the adjustments were hard to make. I grew up in America, she grew up in Korea so we had some cultural differences to work out also.

the key to keeping things going is to realize that marriage is a daily commitment. i recommit myself to my wife and now my family (i have 3 kids now) every day.

there is no magic formula, there isn't any one thing that can guarantee that the two of you will stay together or love each other forever, all you can do is recommit yourself everyday to the relationship and to her.

 

[StageLeft]

<< 8. Don't pretend you like something, or she'll hold you to it years from now (a food/scack, movie, type of clothing, etc.) >>

Oh wow - that reminds me of my mother who to this day still gives us things we don't like but we didn't have the heart to tell her the first time and it's far too late now.

<< 10. Just remember there is a reason you married her, some days you might forget why, but always remember there was a reason, so no matter how you feel or how the situation is, you hold to that reason even if you can't remember what it was, because later you'll remember again and be glad you never gave separation a millisecond of thought >>

good one

 

[cressida]

<< Respect for each other is important,even as you both evolve and change as people over time. Being supportive of each other's goals and believing,having faith in each other even when you don't always understand exactly what track your partner is on.

You gotta trust each other over everybody else,don't let third parties put their noses into your
marriage, the two of you come first and in regards to your relationship the only opinions that matter are yours and hers. >>



sometimes easier said then done

 

[Amused]

When marriages go bad...

Next, on Fox.