When marriages go bad, how do you prevent/forsee that?

[RossMAN]

Married/divorced ATers please lend your advice.

My marriage is going great but we're still newly weds.

I want to feel the same amount of love/compassion/respect for her 50 years from now when we're old, gray, sagging, toothless and hairless.

 

[ThaGrandCow]

1 word: COMMUNICATION

If you have that you have a great chance at being in it for the long run.
Don't think you can forsee it though. By the time you feel it coming it's probably to late, but there are exceptions sometimes.

 

[RossMAN]

Communication is good, we have that down pat but there's always room for improvement I guess.

 

[Geekbabe]

Respect for each other is important,even as you both evolve and change as people over time. Being supportive of each other's goals and believing,having faith in each other even when you don't always understand exactly what track your partner is on.

You gotta trust each other over everybody else,don't let third parties put their noses into your
marriage, the two of you come first and in regards to your relationship the only opinions that matter are yours and hers.

 

[Elita1]

Rossman: congrats on your recent marriage!
I tend to see marriage(and the relationship with my hubby) not only as something sacred and precious, but something that needs constant care, much like a garden.(yeah, yeah, sounds corny but I swear it's true).
I have no first-hand bad experience but marriages go wrong for many many reasons. Don't fear losing what you have with your wife, though...with work and love your marriage can grow even more wonderful and beautiful.
My parents, for example, are two old farts who act like teenagers discovering their first crush, I swear it's both the grossest and the most beautiful thing to see

edit:Great post, baffled

 

[Ornery]

My parents divorced after 16 years. I've been married to my wonderful wife for almost 24 years. My theory is that people don't change. The person you date is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Try and get to REALLY know that person before the marraige and kids.

 

[NetworkDad]

Yea, what baffled2 said.


It sure helped for me and my wife to have pre-marital counseling. It takes a lot for 2 different people to move in together and start doing everything together. Everyone has their own ways of doing things from how the towels get folded to who's family will you be visiting for the holidays.

Everything i do, i do for my wife (and daughter). I work extra hard so she can be a stay-at-home mom, and she works hard taking care of the home. Giving for each other, and being supportive in everything she does has worked really well so far.

 

[gopunk]

i heard a three-way is a good way to strengthen a relationship

 

[HappyPuppy]

The fact that you asked the question is indicative that your marriage is in serious trouble. Get divorced before you produce any children and ruin their lives, too. If you are of a religion that doesn't allow divorce, then off your wife, move to Puerto Rico and begin a new life. Don't let this be the end of your fun.

 

[Cougar]

You want to know how to make a marriage last? 1 word:

FEAR


Make sure you keep that woman in her place. Make it known that she'll get a beat down if she ever steps out of line. A woman's place is in the home, barefoot and pregnant. She should have dinner ready when you come home from work and you should never be bothered with the trivial aspects of her life.

Trust me.

 

[Orsorum]

I never knew there were so many people who could take such a complex, serious, meaningful question and turn it into a nef-fest... good Lord.

I have to agree with what Baff and Elita said, that's what I've seen in the couples I've met that are going on 50 years together... can't speak for my own parents, unfortunately, they divorced after 15 years.

Good luck.

 

[Pundit]

Hello newlywed,

TheGrandCow hit the nail on the head with communication. You and she must tell each other everything. The two of you have an unspoken agreement about how you will conduct yourselves in the marriage. If you do anything that you feel guilty about (even if it seems totally insignificant, you must tell her). If you start arguing and criticising each other, that usually means that one of you has done something that they feel guilty about.

I'm very happy for you. I'll be getting married soon as well.

 

[Geekbabe]

<< I never knew there were so many people who could take such a complex, serious, meaningful question and turn it into a nef-fest... good Lord.

I have to agree with what Baff and Elita said, that's what I've seen in the couples I've met that are going on 50 years together... can't speak for my own parents, unfortunately, they divorced after 15 years.

Good luck. >>



well take my advice with a grain of salt, if I was so smart I wouldn't be divorced..sigh hindsight is an amazing thing.Oh well, hopefully what I learned I'll apply in future

 

[Orsorum]

<<

<< I never knew there were so many people who could take such a complex, serious, meaningful question and turn it into a nef-fest... good Lord.

I have to agree with what Baff and Elita said, that's what I've seen in the couples I've met that are going on 50 years together... can't speak for my own parents, unfortunately, they divorced after 15 years.

Good luck. >>



well take my advice with a grain of salt, if I was so smart I wouldn't be divorced..sigh hindsight is an amazing thing.Oh well, hopefully what I learned I'll apply in future >>



Good, . You're a smart woman, baff, use what the good Lawd gave ya.

 

[linuxboy]

Hi RossMan

The issue of marriage and subsequent separation from marital unions often occurs for much of the same reasons that people go out to discover their "true calling" or have a midl-life crisis or some other sort of dramatic event.

These reasons are complex in number and even more complex in some of the theories driving behavior and outcome but I think it can be summed up with one word: change.

A huge part of life involves knowing what change is, anticipating change, and working to ensure that transitions are smooth. If you and your wife have a change and say have a child or move or experience turbulence, these are areas where change occurs and the response to this change determines whether your bond grows or has fissures and hidden places that are never visited. Assuming you built on a foundation of trust and openness, dealing with changes in the physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of your partner's life and learning to genuinely care, and to fully love, growing in love, make the huge differences in long-term successes and failures.

Years pass by quickly. Couples find themselves at some point with kids, with jobs, and then start thinking to the dreams of youth to realize they are better off by themselves because through whatever means, they have a less-than-perfect relationship and having settled into this early on with poor choices, they do not see a way out except for divorce.

Also, many people do not understand what it means to love, and what it means to share a life with another human being. With so many things that can go wrong, one of them usually does wear down a marriage and make it one of conventience of mutual resentment or some other sort of arrangement.

If you want to feel the same way later, talk about it, and be responsive to change. Make the effort, and make your partner feel loved. It really is the little things in everyday life that make the difference in the long-term.

Well, that turned out to be really long. There's also no real formula. Love and caring umbrella the whole thing and every couple have a unique shared bond and shared memories that build, grow, and change. Working through the good and the bad is a matter left up to the individuals so since I doubt I know your wife as well as you do, you tell me what will make your marriage last- you're the expert here.

Cheers !

 

[Pliablemoose]

The simple answer:

Women feel very strongly that talking solves all problems, men like to grunt & scratch.

Supress the natural urge to grunt & scratch & instead listen to & talk to your wife EVERY DAY...


I could throw around the bonding, networking, feeling, men are from Mars blah blah blah all day, just talk to her & collect a few scars, yeah, chicks dig scars. (I've broken 10 bones & look like a freaking roadmap when I'm naked from all the scars & stitches)

I'm married for the 2nd time; in Texas, you're allowed one failed "starter marriage"

If things start to go bad, it's usually too late to salvage what's lost, went to therapist with first wife & she left me that evening, I kept on with the therapist, who commented that when a couple seeks help, it's usually way too late

The relationship ending thing is sort of odd, you both start to develop a response to a stressor that causes a "flooded" feeling, sort of a residual of all the old arguments & it gets to the point where a look or posture can trigger it. Once the couple reaches this stage it's pretty well all over.

 

[djheater]

A university professor went to visit a famous Zen master. While the master quietly served tea, the professor talked about Zen. The master poured the visitor's cup to the brim, and then kept pouring. The professor watched the overflowing cup until he could no longer restrain himself. "It's overfull! No more will go in!" the professor blurted. "You are like this cup," the master replied, "How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup."

 

[StageLeft]

I've been married now for a year and a few days and I dated mrs. skoorb for over 5 years before that. For what it's worth we have very few fights and those we do have are never particularly heated and we get along well. I attribute much of it to being easy going, or maybe it's cause I'm just a big pushover...nah, it's cause I'm easy-going You have to try and guess what the other person feels and is going through and how you'd like to be treated in that situation and never letting anything fester and rott is essential.

Hmm, not much advice but I still hold to it :frown:

 

[weezergirl]

Ok, I was in a research project about married couples for about 3 years and this is what I've collected from the hundreds of couples I had to observe.

The #1 problem in marriage is sex. One person always wants it more. They're too tired. Or one of the spouses is tired of always being the one to initiate sex. Especially after you have kids. You just never have time. First off, you have to make time. Even if it comes to the point where you have to schedule it in "Wednesday nights after we put the kids into bed" or whatever DO IT. And be aware of who is initiating all the time. Basically each person wants to know they are still attractive and wanted by their spouse. This is easily forgotten after 20 years of marriage.

After that, different problems could range from whatever. It really does come down to communication and just not taking the other person for granted. Keep the surprises going and the affection you show her constant no matter if it's 5 or 10 years later. And if you have a problem with something tell her. Learn to compromise. etc. It has to be equal from both sides though and not just one person always giving giving giving. The other spouse always ends up resenting it.

Anyways, after being involved in that research project I got really scared of marriage. But I still think it's possible to have a happy one that lasts forever. Good luck!!

 

[DAPUNISHER]

I've been married over 12 years and with the wifey for 16 years and I agree with the others about keeping trust and respect and communication at the top of the list but all is for not if you can't do the one thing that most can never do: Love her more than you love yourself!!! The other very important factors(at least for me) are to always back her up and give her unconditional support for any endeavor she undertakes, not be overly jealous(a little is O.K. and appreciated sometimes because it shows you still care) over her(I know this falls under trust technically but jealousy deserves it's own place ) which includes no 3rd degree if she's late or something and understanding that she may flirt occassionaly with other men she finds attractive so be secure in yourself and ignore it And most importantly: NEVER FIGHT OVER FINANCES Too many marriages go down that hard road to divorce because the couple couldn't agree on this topic

 

[dirtboy]

For me it was when I would come home and not look forward to being with her or doing things with her. That and I could tell all along that she really wasn't happy. Sometimes I wonder why we even got married, but things for me were bad from the begining.

 

[Farmall]

I don't have all the answers and this one may not be right as well.

The biggest hurdle that can make a marriage stumble is communication, and probably second would be financial. The marriage has to be open and honest with respect and appreciation for each other. Do things together.

Good luck to both of you.

 

[Orsorum]

<< The relationship ending thing is sort of odd, you both start to develop a response to a stressor that causes a "flooded" feeling, sort of a residual of all the old arguments & it gets to the point where a look or posture can trigger it. Once the couple reaches this stage it's pretty well all over. >>



That's very, very true... last girlfriend I had, we had a series of arguments during the last three months or so... it got to a point where I knew from her posture and tone of voice that we were going to fight.

Looking back, I wish I would have had a lot more backbone during those discussions.

 

[TheOmegaCode]

<< i heard a three-way is a good way to strengthen a relationship



>>

specifically, two chicks (not dudes).

 

[Orsorum]

<<

<< i heard a three-way is a good way to strengthen a relationship
>>

specifically, two chicks (not dudes). >>



Ditto!!!