Why the immense pressure to have children?

[Descartes]

For longer than I could probably fathom, one of the major reasons for getting married was to raise children. It's a natural assumption. Things have certainly changed over the past few decades though.

 

[aldamon]

Originally posted by: MrWizzardOne reason I can think of is once you have had a child you realize how incredibly selfish and self centered your life has been up to that point.

I have no idea why this is a bad thing. Maybe you can clarify?

 

[Xavier434]

Well, I agree with Mosh that the reason people do it is because it is "the right thing to do" and it is "the next step" after marriage. The reality is that if you two don't want kids then don't have any. In fact, I say that if only one person in the relationship doesn't want kids then they shouldn't have any. The reason is simple. People who truly do not want kids will usually not do as good of a job parenting them. That doesn't make them irresponsible or bad people. It's just that people will usually devote more time and energy towards something that they want to do vs. something that they don't want to do. I understand that there are tons of exceptions, but the way I figure it is that there are more than enough people out there who want kids to make up for those who don't want them so why risk the lack luster parenting?

 

[CKent]

1) People are always jealous of those in a better situation. Kids are annoying, grubby little monsters and a huge drain on the wallet; people without them are in a much better situation.
2) Anyone different from the norm is persecuted, this is one of the basics of human nature. They can't burn you at the stake (though they'd love to) but it doesn't change how they feel. And they're growing in number and getting dumber

 

[SlowSpyder]

I'm one of the "don't care for kids" crowd that had a baby. My wife and I got pregnant, and now my son is 11 months old. I'm not going to blow sunshine up your butts about how you'll change your mind once you have your own kid or any of that. But, I will say you find patience you didn't think you had and can deal with your own child much more then you'd think you could. With that being said, after he was born I had my vasectomy, one is enough for us. He's a lot of work, I don't know how people have so many, I know I'd go nuts. Having my son hasn't changed my mind, I don't suddenly love kids. Infact i still don't care for them. But, I do have to say I'm happy that he's around and look forward to him getting older. Whether you decide to have kids or not, I think it's important to not just look at now, but also the future. Right now it's certainly nice not to be tied down, but what about 20 years from now, are you going to wish you would have had some children? Whatever you choose, don't let anyone pressure you, if you know you don't want kids and will never want kids then don't have them. Some people just seem to think that having kids is what you are supposed to do.

 

[Papagayo]

I have a kid and there is nothing I would not do for him. But that is our decision. If you don't want kids, there is nothing wrong with that. Please don't judge other people. There is nothing wrong with people not wanting kids. Just the same, there is nothing wrong with people that wants and loves kids.

 

[CKent]

Originally posted by: Mxylplyx
It's your responsibility as a responsible, educated adult to pass your wisdom to a new generation. Otherwise we cede the world to the retards. Now I'm going to have to have one more because your too damn selfish to help out your own team.

Clevon? That you?

 

[MrWizzard]

Originally posted by: Nightfall

Originally posted by: MrWizzard
It's easy for someone who has children to think they are better than someone who doesn't.

One reason I can think of is once you have had a child you realize how incredibly selfish and self centered your life has been up to that point.

Not saying you are just what most people say who wait to have kids till they are older.

That I can agree with to a point. Human beings by nature are selfish and self centered. Everyone wants things and they are only interested in their own well being for the most part. Getting married and having a successful marriage requires you to be something other than selfish and self centered. Having kids adds and extra level to that.

Its funny cause to some people, if you don't have kids, you are selfish and self centered. Even if you can't have them, the same rule applies. The key here is not caring what others think of you and doing what you feel is right for you.

I spoke with a couple a while back who couldn?t have children, rather than be sad about it they made the best out of it. They didn?t have a problem telling people they could not have children. Instead of being sad they would tell people they could not have children due to medical reasons and they were using the time to travel and do things that most couples could not do because of some restrictions children cause. It made sence to me and I was happy for the couple because even though they wanted a child they were still taking a bright outlook on life.

 

[Qwest]

Tax purposes?

 

[FlashG]

Originally posted by: Nightfall
Why to people who have kids show it off like a badge of honor or a special club? Lets face it, kids are not hard to have. You don't need a special degree or certification to have one. All you need to do is have sex. So why do people perceive themselves to be better than others cause they have kids and you don't? Or just because they have kids and they think their kids are better than others. I just don't get it.

Assuming that there was no malevolent government intervention. It would be a much different world if people had to be certified to have and raise kids.

 

[zerocool1]

Originally posted by: Nightfall

Originally posted by: thepd7
I respect people who decide not to have kids more than those who end up having accidents. My roomate from a few years back decided he never wanted kids and siad he was going to get a vasectomy at 18. I don't know if he did or not but it wouldn't suprise me.

People who are smart enough to recognize that they don't want kids and don't have them are great, just like the people who love kids, prepare for having them and then do it.

It's the people who don't have a clue and then end up having kids that are the idiots and should be asked all the time "when are you going to stop having kids?"

Personally I want 4 kids though. Props to you and your wife for being responsible and that is awesome that you told someone you were sterile. LOL.

The whole sterile thing was a trip. I really made her feel badly because I told her we were trying and trying and it just wasn't working. Then, I went to the doctor and found out I was 100% sterile due to my testicles not able to maintain a good temperature. She was put on the spot and just couldn't recover. She felt so bad asking and that was my intention.

I have to agree with you there. There are people that plan for the future, and those are the ones that are the most responsible. The ones that don't have any plan that have them are the worst. I know a couple that had a daughter and wanted one. However, they had no plan for what to do afterwards. She is 6 years old now, and they argue over who is going to watch her from one night to the next. By the time she gets to be 12, she is going to have a complex like she is a pain in the ass to watch over. Thats not the way a child should be raised.

are you going to adopt then?

 

[Demon-Xanth]

Send this to those people:
http://farm1.static.flickr.com...85008_e95eff8ff6_o.jpg

 

[vi edit]

Originally posted by: Descartes
For longer than I could probably fathom, one of the major reasons for getting married was to raise children. It's a natural assumption. Things have certainly changed over the past few decades though.

Now more than ever you have young adults spending a siginificant portion of their early to mid 20's going through school and then hunting down jobs. It's not till the late 20's to early 30's before many families feel emotionally or financially ready for a family.

My wife was 26 before she had her first full time "real" job. Before that she was in school and couldn't even imagine trying to be pregnant during that time, let alone try and raise an infant.

Our parents and their parents weren't dedicating so much of their lives to education and trying to solidify a career before they were comfortable with starting a family. It's just hard for them to understand why a 30 year old isn't a parent yet.

30 is the new 20.



It's just too bad that there are so many health risks that start to creep up on women in their mid 30's and up that try to have kids.

 

[SlowSpyder]

Originally posted by: aldamon

Originally posted by: MrWizzardOne reason I can think of is once you have had a child you realize how incredibly selfish and self centered your life has been up to that point.

I have no idea why this is a bad thing. Maybe you can clarify?

Exactly. Just like my post above. I loved not being tied down. I enjoyed spending money on me if I wanted too. I liked to go fishing when I wanted to go fishing. I liked to play video games when I wanted to play video games. I still wish I could do those things, but having a baby means often not doing the things I want to do. There's nothing wrong with being too selfish with your time and money to have kids, just be sure to know that fact so you don't have kids if you don't want them.

 

[Double Trouble]

Originally posted by: MrWizzardonce you have had a child you realize how incredibly selfish and self centered your life has been up to that point.

QFT x 100

If 90% of the people in the world do something, then its perfectly logical for them (once you reach the 'normal' stage when people have kids) to ask about kids. I'm sure it can be annoying, but they don't mean harm by it. I can imagine that question would be devastating to someone who can't have children though. Ouch indeed.

I've never really been all gung ho about having kids, but once you do have them, you experience a whole new part of life that those without kids simply can not comprehend. It's not all wonderful either, its hard work being a good parent, but in the end I really think life without children would be really empty.

My wife and I traveled, we did everything couples without kids do, had great fun etc, but after a certain amount of time you just mature and realize that there is more to life than that stuff. That's my perspective though, I'd never push it on anyone else.....

Incidentally, that's coming from a guy who always swore that he never wanted kids.

 

[Demon-Xanth]

You could always take the environmentalist route:
"The earth has an overpopulation problem and we're just doing our part to save the planet."

 

[MrChad]

Originally posted by: moshquerade
Before that there is immense pressure from the relatives to get you married off. :roll:

It because it's just the way things are "supposed to go". It's understandable to get sick of hearing it, but the people who say it mean no harm.

Originally posted by: Descartes
For longer than I could probably fathom, one of the major reasons for getting married was to raise children. It's a natural assumption. Things have certainly changed over the past few decades though.

Agreed. Many people tend to view life in a series of pre-defined stages. Grow up, go to school, get a job, meet a girl (or guy), get married, have kids, send kids to school, retire, have grandkids, etc.

To answer the OP's last series of questions, kids aren't hard to have, but they are difficult to raise, especially to raise well. Once you have kids you generally seek out others who also have kids because it gives you some common ground to build a conversation or a relationship around. Some parents are competitive with their kids, but I think many parents like to swap "war stories" about parenthood.

 

[Kelvrick]

Because once you have kids, you become a member of the "babysitting" round table where parents pawn off their kids to another parent to go out and have fun/sex/drugs for a night.

EDIT: I think i'll be happy with 1 or 2, but the gf wants 4 (like her parents and ironically my parents). 2 boys, 2 girls. Hey, she's the one popping them out. We'll see what she thinks after she pops the first one out.

 

[Chaotic42]

Yeah, I get crap for not wanting kids. People think I'm some kind of monster or something.

I guess it's just taboo. I can't think of much that would be worse to me than having kids.

 

[Wheezer]

you should see the look on peoples faces when they ask if we are married, and we tell them no, but we have lived together for the last 18 years.

it's this priceless perplexed look and you can see that the gears are straining to comprehend what they just heard.

When asked why I tell them "because it works for us...and that is all that is important"

 

[Nightfall]

Originally posted by: Papagayo
I have a kid and there is nothing I would not do for him. But that is our decision. If you don't want kids, there is nothing wrong with that. Please don't judge other people. There is nothing wrong with people not wanting kids. Just the same, there is nothing wrong with people that wants and loves kids.

I refuse to judge others on their decisions to have kids. Its a decision that we have not made and until you walk a mile in the shoes of others, you will never know how it is. I think the problem here is judging to be honest. There are people all over that find it easy to judge others for one reason or another and it does go both ways.

 

[Nightfall]

Originally posted by: zerocool1

Originally posted by: Nightfall

Originally posted by: thepd7
I respect people who decide not to have kids more than those who end up having accidents. My roomate from a few years back decided he never wanted kids and siad he was going to get a vasectomy at 18. I don't know if he did or not but it wouldn't suprise me.

People who are smart enough to recognize that they don't want kids and don't have them are great, just like the people who love kids, prepare for having them and then do it.

It's the people who don't have a clue and then end up having kids that are the idiots and should be asked all the time "when are you going to stop having kids?"

Personally I want 4 kids though. Props to you and your wife for being responsible and that is awesome that you told someone you were sterile. LOL.

The whole sterile thing was a trip. I really made her feel badly because I told her we were trying and trying and it just wasn't working. Then, I went to the doctor and found out I was 100% sterile due to my testicles not able to maintain a good temperature. She was put on the spot and just couldn't recover. She felt so bad asking and that was my intention.

I have to agree with you there. There are people that plan for the future, and those are the ones that are the most responsible. The ones that don't have any plan that have them are the worst. I know a couple that had a daughter and wanted one. However, they had no plan for what to do afterwards. She is 6 years old now, and they argue over who is going to watch her from one night to the next. By the time she gets to be 12, she is going to have a complex like she is a pain in the ass to watch over. Thats not the way a child should be raised.

are you going to adopt then?

We have talked about it to be honest. However, if we do adopt, it might be internationally. We would like to have a healthy child, not one that has been abused by the adoption service here. Plus, there are many many healthy children out there that are in need of adoption. Also, if we adopted, it would probably be in the 4-8 year old range.

 

[DangerAardvark]

I want enough kids to start a band. Plus a couple more to fill out the percussion section.

It's ironic that having a child can either be one of the most selfless things you do or one of the most selfish.

 

[dainthomas]

Originally posted by: MrWizzard
It's easy for someone who has children to think they are better than someone who doesn't.

One reason I can think of is once you have had a child you realize how incredibly selfish and self centered your life has been up to that point.

Not saying you are just what most people say who wait to have kids till they are older.

This never made sense to me. If anything people who have kids tend to be more selfish since they are contributing to overpopulation for the sole (or at least majority) reason of passing on their genetic material. If it was just to have a family with your SO, then there are plenty of children available for adoption.

 

[edmicman]

Originally posted by: NightfallSo why do people perceive themselves to be better than others cause they have kids and you don't?

The satisfaction that once they die, their spawn will live on in their image, and your family line dies with you? ..shrug..