The lions. The detroit motherfucking goddamn lions. The bane of my family. Generations ruined by a loyalty to an organization forever undone by an utterly malevolent and irresistible incompetence. We love them and we fucking despair
the only fucking time my old man ever expresses any hope or optimism is when football season approaches. "hey theyre looking pretty good this year. Who knows?" who knows? I fucking know and ive only been watching this fucking team half as long as he has. Six weeks into the season though he finally gets it. The lions do some dumb shit and hes back to his postgame ritual of trashing the place in a motherfucking rage and going to bed at 5pm
pops once told me with an infuckingexpressably sad seriousness "i wont rest in peace until the lions win a super bowl. I may be dead when it happens but when they win one ill know." seriously he told me that shit once. And thats why i will despise matt millen until my dying breath. Matt millen stole eight years from my father. Eight long years. And if i ever see that emil muzz looking motherfucker im gonna collect that debt to the fucking second
fucking lions. A team so fucking shitty that it made an army first lieutenant say fuck it i quit. We leverage league leaders into losing seasons and alltime greats into total mediocrity. We reflect our citys dysfunction mismanagement misery and pigheaded stupidity like a fucking mirror and we always kid ourselves that its somehow getting better. Squeaky fromme wasnt as deluded as we are
christ theres just too many moments to choose from. Dan orlovsky trying to make a play from row 14 in section 100 at the fucking metrodome. Stefan logan fielding a free kick by taking a knee on the four fucking yard line like a fucking dunce. Titus young losing his antipsychotics and going on some fucking bizarre crime spree that might as well have been directed by neveldine/taylor. Tatum bell getting shitcanned then stealing his teammates luggage on his way out the door in a crime so fucking petty that paulie gualtieri would blanch. This is a team with a culture so fucked up that one of the best offensive linemen in our team history proudly declared that he repeatedly let his qb get demolished because he didnt like the guy. And this was back when we actually made the fucking playoffs on a regular basis if your imagination can conjure such a circumstance. Thats our lions: Even when theyre flailing on the cusp of greatness they still find time to backbite and fumblefuck around. Whatever it takes to fuck up and let everybody down. Just disappoint baby!
Draft picks burned like autumn leaves. Charles rogers caps his 12-game professional career by threatening to murder his mother and passing out in his booth at on the border in novi like a fucking wino. Mike williams spends two years fatting around in detroit before getting folded into a dogshit trade with oakland that illustrated the concept of sunk cost better than any economics textbook ever fucking could. And roy williams after all his loudmouth bullshit his most enduring contribution to nfl history is calvin johnsons non-sequitur nickname. And all the while were dicking around with these losers andre johnson and demarcus ware are down in texas racking up allpro honors like reggie rogers racks up vehicular homicides and ben roethlisberger is the all-seeing all-raping ringbearing football god of yinzerland. The mind reels
even the good picks are wasted in that special detroit way. Matthew stafford? Sure the fucking guy looks like he should be out looking for one eyed willies treasure but the fact is hes the first lions quarterback in decades thats worth a bent dick and yet somehow after four years in the league and a couple seasons of monster stats and a playoff appearance his career highlight remains that time in his rookie year when he peeled himself off the field to get the win in a shootout with brady fucking quinn of all fucking clipboard stands. It was a feat of heroism so bold and so meaningless it was like running into a burning building to save a goldfish. We went 2-14 that year and we still talk about that game like it was our personal fucking sea of hands
and calvin johnson. Nowhere do gods look as helpless as they do in detroit. Sure we were all pissed when that freckled fuckstick jon gruden said cjs recordbreaking season last year was garbage but really he maybe kinda had a little bit of something of sort of a fucking point. What good is being one of the best players in the league when your games dont mean shit and youre never going to the super bowl? Shit just ask barry sanders. Greatest running back in the history of the fucking game and the lions drove him right the fuck out of football altogether
coaches come to detroit to fucking die and often rightly so. That fucking imbecile marty mornhinweg for instance. Fucking guy winning the coin toss then stupefuckingfyingly giving the motherfucking ball to the motherfucking fucking bears who of course promptly score. He shouldve been court-martialed and executed right then and fucking there. Either then or that time he made some big production of roaring out of practice on his harley like he was clay fucking morrow and not some overpromoted dipshit with no business whatsoever manning the captains wheel. I can scarcely dream up a more fitting hell for an asshole like that than being tasked with untangling the low rent quarterback clusterfuck in the jets camp
then it was steve mariucci. The mitt romney of nfl coaches. That bland weatherman veneer of competence with the unmistakable air of a man who would rather be anyfuckingplace else. Dude only came to detroit as a favor to his fat stupid friend who was too fucking dumb to take care of things himself. Kinda like ned stark. Turned out about the same way for him too
after that was marinelli bringing the kind of dark arithmetic that transforms 6-2 to 7-9 to 0-16. Ill give him props for making jon kitna his guy though. I mean shit you had to like kitna. Just a scrappy motherfucker with a lot of balls and a lot less talent who could take a hell of a beating and talk regrettable shit with the best of them. He reminded me of mikey whipwreck. Except mikey actually won a championship
now its coach schwartz swirling down the drain. He takes his fashion cues from the dog whisperer and all he thinks about on gameday is whether he should listen to billy squier or the fucking scorpions and he sweats and stammers through every fucking press conference like hes afraid whoopi goldberg is gonna tell demi moore that he hired willie lopez to murder his best friend patrick swayze. But at least his hearts in it. And that passions gonna serve him well in a year after hes scored that plum assistant defensive coordinator gig with the jacksonville jaguars
sure theyre moving some pieces into place this year. Theyre shoring up the secondary theyve done a half decent job of rebuilding the offensive line and they made some smart free agent signings especially compared to that bullshit "nah man were good" offseason following the 2011 season. And of course calvin johnson is as indomitable as ever. But see none of this matters. These are the detroit fucking lions were talking about. Even if its the best case scenario even if my every last fucking rockhard regular season fantasy comes true in the end somehow they will undo it all. Theyll figure it out. Theyll find a way. Stafford could throw for 5500 yards calvin johnson could break a dozen more records fairley and suh could terrorize qbs like a couple of fucking rhinoceroses every week and they could batter their way to an 12-4 record and they will still get bounced in the first round by the philadelphia fucking eagles or some other just-glad-to-be-here no-shot shit squad in a deadly dull 10-3 detroit dogfucking. Because when it comes to the detroit lions there is no fairy tale. The coach is a pumpkin and cinderellas just a dumb whore in rags. Its all just a big jerkoff. A sadistic fucking torture game put on for the amusement of millionaires with mister rictus himself william clay fucking ford senior pulling the strings. Ha ha made ya care!
Ugh. Fucking lions
yours truly
zodiac motherfucker
"Your quarterback: Drew Brees. Having Drew Brees as your quarterback means that every offensive possession will end in either a) a touchdown, or b) a horrific interception that Drew Brees is somehow never blamed for. When Tony Romo throws a pick, everyone shits all over him. When Drew Brees throws a pick, Saints fans are like GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO BREESUS CAN'T DO IT ALL HIMSELF GUMBO GUMBO PO' BOY ZYDECO POLICE CORRUPTION".
By the way, Rahim Moore is still in Denver. As a football player! They aren't making him work the merch stand or anything. They're actually letting him back onto the field after that happened. I know dabbing is legal in Colorado now, but Broncos fans aren't forgetting that shit so easily.
Your coach: John Fox. He played for overtime. I don't give a shit if he coaches thirty more years. He's the guy who played for overtime. You had 31 seconds, two timeouts, and one of the greatest QBs in history going your way, and you took a fucking knee? BULLSHIT. Once you cross the line into Denny Green territory, there's no going back. You get a permanent suck branded on you that never fades. The Broncos will crush this division, cruise into the playoffs, and promptly piss it all away because Fox will play Martyball at the worst possible time. 10 years from now, Fox will be coaching in Arizona, giving angry postgame tirades that get retrofitted into crappy beer commercials.
But hey, at least he doesn't drive while shitfaced.
They dont have a Jets one posted yet but once they do Im sure it will be hilarious.
the bears one is OK, but the emails from bears fans are pure gold
Is there a Vikings one? Can't see the site here for some reason...
KT
Your quarterback: Joe Flacco. Now that the postseason is over, ol' Boring Joe (his family calls him Boring Joe because he's boring!) can go back to completing less than 60 percent of his passes, barely throwing 20 touchdowns, and being the AFC's answer to Eli Manning. He simply isn't the same passer without Ray Lewis's MAGIC JESUS HANDS guiding his passes. Also, Flacco got paid this offseason ($52 million guaranteed). With the remaining cap space, the Ravens have signed this velcro catch paddle to play wideout.
Their fans are posers: jorts-wearing crab-billies who love playing up their city's toughness but would never dare step foot inside Baltimore city limits. If you've been to Baltimore proper, you know that it's a third-world deathscape, dotted with hobos selling copper scrap and crazy-eyed meth zombies staring at you from atop abandoned railcars. I'm shocked that the Elysium space station can't be seen hovering over it. Billy from Glen Burnie is just as scared shitless of that town as any other American is, but that's not gonna stop him from rocking a pair of purple camo pants and pretending he's the leader of some kind of battalion of unarmed Grimaces. YOU'RE SO FUCKING HARD. If Ray Lewis showed up on some Ravens fans' doorstep, they'd spend the night hiding in the carport.
Half the Flacco jerseys in Baltimore are actually dark blue, not purple. Some brilliant Chinese knock-off manufacturer realized years ago that you could just manufacture Giants jerseys and stick Ravens decals on them and our fanbase would be too stupid to figure it out. It seems like every game I hear, “Hey check out my new Flack-oh jersey, I got a good deal on the intranet” only to look over and see something that was clearly meant to have Eli Manning printed on the back of it. To make matters worse, it’s usually tucked into their pants like it’s some sort of formal attire.
I love Jay Cutler. If I could do it all over again and keep him knowing still that we would never get Peyton Manning, I would. Losing him was one of the darkest days in Broncos history.
He would be successful in Chicago if he had an o-line or more than one WR. In Denver with the same team as today sans Manning, he would thrive.
Ray Lewis is a cheap televangelist. People who flaunt their faith the loudest are very often the biggest phonies. This is why I'm convinced that Tim Tebow murdered six drifters in the spring of '03 and never told a soul about it. And this is why Ray Lewis comes across as nothing so much as a muscular Jim Bakker with an arm brace. He uses his faith to wrap himself in unearned virtue. Don't you people see that he's in the Super Bowl this year because it's GOD'S TIME? And didn't you know that Ray's magic God hands are the reason Joe Flacco completed that miracle pass to Jacoby Jones? Ray Lewis's success is proof that God loves all of you. And by "God," I mean Ray Lewis. And by "all of you," I mean Ray Lewis, too.
So why such a disconnect between how Ravens fans feel and the rest of the country? It all goes back to something that happened 13 years ago. Non-Ravens fans won't let it go… I call it jealousy.
A Ravens fan is the kind of fan who loves his team the more everyone else hates it. "It's us against the world!" says the 400-pound asshole in purple camos. I hate that kind of fan.
The lions. {user feedback that was better than the "preview" itself}
Is there a Vikings one? Can't see the site here for some reason...
KT